Read an Excerpt

ONE

April 9, 1995

The Oregon Coast

If I have learned anything in this long life of mine, it is this: In love we find out who we want to be; in war we find out who we are. Today’s

young people want to know everything about everyone. They think talking

about a problem will solve it. I come from a quieter generation. We

understand the value of forgetting, the lure of reinvention.

Lately, though, I find myself thinking about the war and my past, about

the people I lost.

Lost.

It makes it sound as if I misplaced my loved ones; perhaps I left them

where they don’t belong and then turned away, too confused to retrace

my steps.

They are not lost. Nor are they in a better place. They are gone. As I

approach the end of my years, I know that grief, like regret, settles into

our DNA and remains forever a part of us.

I have aged in the months since my husband’s death and my diagnosis.

My skin has the crinkled appearance of wax paper that someone has tried

to flatten and reuse. My eyes fail me often— in the darkness, when headlights

flash, when rain falls. It is unnerving, this new unreliability in my

vision. Perhaps that’s why I find myself looking backward. The past has a

clarity I can no longer see in the present.

I want to imagine there will be peace when I am gone, that I will see all

of the people I have loved and lost. At least that I will be forgiven.

I know better, though, don’t I?

My house, named The Peaks by the lumber baron who built it over a hundred

years ago, is for sale, and I am preparing to move because my son

thinks I should.

He is trying to take care of me, to show how much he loves me in this

most difficult of times, and so I put up with his controlling ways. What do

I care where I die? That is the point, really. It no longer matters where I

live. I am boxing up the Oregon beachside life I settled into nearly fifty

years ago. There is not much I want to take with me. But there is one

thing.

I reach for the hanging handle that controls the attic steps. The stairs

unfold from the ceiling like a gentleman extending his hand.

The flimsy stairs wobble beneath my feet as I climb into the attic, which

smells of must and mold. A single, hanging lightbulb swings overhead. I pull

the cord.

It is like being in the hold of an old steamship. Wide wooden planks

panel the walls; cobwebs turn the creases silver and hang in skeins from

the indentation between the planks. The ceiling is so steeply pitched that

I can stand upright only in the center of the room.

I see the rocking chair I used when my grandchildren were young, then

an old crib and a ratty- looking rocking horse set on rusty springs, and the

chair my daughter was refinishing when she got sick. Boxes are tucked

along the wall, marked “Xmas,” “Thanksgiving,” “Easter,” “Halloween,”

“Serveware,” “Sports.” In those boxes are the things I don’t use much anymore

but can’t bear to part with. For me, admitting that I won’t decorate a

tree for Christmas is giving up, and I’ve never been good at letting go.

Tucked in the corner is what I am looking for: an ancient steamer trunk

covered in travel stickers.

With effort, I drag the heavy trunk to the center of the attic, directly

beneath the hanging light. I kneel beside it, but the pain in my knees is

piercing, so I slide onto my backside.

For the first time in thirty years, I lift the trunk’s lid. The top tray is full

of baby memorabilia. Tiny shoes, ceramic hand molds, crayon drawings

populated by stick figures and smiling suns, report cards, dance recital

pictures.

I lift the tray from the trunk and set it aside.

The mementos in the bottom of the trunk are in a messy pile: several

faded leather- bound journals; a packet of aged postcards, tied together

with a blue satin ribbon; a cardboard box, bent in one corner; a set of slim

books of poetry by Julien Rossignol; and a shoebox that holds hundreds of

black- and- white photographs.

On top is a yellowed, faded piece of paper.

My hands are shaking as I pick it up. It is a carte d’identité, an identity

card, from the war. I see the small, passport- sized photo of a young

woman. Juliette Gervaise.

“Mom?”

I hear my son on the creaking wooden steps, footsteps that match my

heartbeats. Has he called out to me before?

“Mom? You shouldn’t be up here. Shit. The steps are unsteady.” He

comes to stand beside me. “One fall and—”

I touch his pant leg, shake my head softly. I can’t look up. “Don’t” is all

I can say.

He kneels, then sits. I can smell his aftershave, something subtle and

spicy, and also a hint of smoke. He has sneaked a cigarette outside, a habit

he gave up de cades ago and took up again at my recent diagnosis. There

is no reason to voice my disapproval: He is a doctor. He knows better.

My instinct is to toss the card into the trunk and slam the lid down,

hiding it again. It’s what I have done all my life.

Now I am dying. Not quickly, perhaps, but not slowly, either, and I feel

compelled to look back on my life.

“Mom, you’re crying.”

“Am I?”

I want to tell him the truth, but I can’t. It embarrasses and shames me,

this failure. At my age, I should not be afraid of anything— certainly not

my own past.

I say only, “I want to take this trunk.”

“It’s too big. I’ll repack the things you want into a smaller box.”

I smile at his attempt to control me. “I love you and I am sick again. For

these reasons, I have let you push me around, but I am not dead yet. I want

this trunk with me.”

“What can you possibly need in it? It’s just our artwork and other junk.”

If I had told him the truth long ago, or had danced and drunk and sung

more, maybe he would have seen me instead of a dependable, ordinary

mother. He loves a version of me that is incomplete. I always thought it was

what I wanted: to be loved and admired. Now I think perhaps I’d like to be

known.

“Think of this as my last request.”

I can see that he wants to tell me not to talk that way, but he’s afraid his

voice will catch. He clears his throat. “You’ve beaten it twice before. You’ll

beat it again.”

We both know this isn’t true. I am unsteady and weak. I can neither

sleep nor eat without the help of medical science. “Of course I will.”

“I just want to keep you safe.”

I smile. Americans can be so naïve.

Once I shared his optimism. I thought the world was safe. But that was

a long time ago.

“Who is Juliette Gervaise?” Julien says and it shocks me a little to hear

that name from him.

I close my eyes and in the darkness that smells of mildew and bygone

lives, my mind casts back, a line thrown across years and continents.

Against my will— or maybe in tandem with it, who knows anymore?— I

remember.