Declan loves death metal—particularly from Finland. And video games—violent ones. And internet porn—any kind, really. He goes to school with Neilly Foster and spends most of his classroom time wondering what it might be like to know her, to talk to her, maybe even to graze against her sweater in the hallway.

Neilly is an accomplished gymnast, naturally beautiful, and a constant presence at all the best parties (to which Declan is never invited). She's the queen of cool, the princess of poker face, and her rule is uncontested—or it was until today, when she's dumped by her boyfriend, betrayed by her former BFF Lulu, and then informed she's getting a new brother—of the freaky fellow classmate variety.

Declan's dad is marrying Neilly's mom. Soon. Which means they'll be moving in together.