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CHAPTER 1

A PUNK'S GOLDEN SHOWER OF RECIPES

Every punk loves to either collect records or at least a vast, smarmy knowledge, or pretend knowledge, of said records. Punks love food, they are always hungry, starving if you will. Many songs are odes to the morsels that we crave after playing a show or pogoing like the dickens all night. Late night and fast food fare rule the school of songs that mention edibles. We thought it would be fun to make recipes out of a good sampling of some of these delicious tunes, so you can add them to your collection. So here are the various foods mentioned in punk rock songs and titles, brought to life for your enjoyment!

Punk's Golden Shower of Recipes

by Zack Carlson

Like drugs, love, and other unhealthy obsessions, gastronomic fixations can lead to unexpected inspiration. Years before Weird Al Yankovic forged a career singing about Twinkies and ice cream, punk and new wave acts raised the banner of junk food anthems.

See, different types of humans require different types of food. While the hoity-toity upper-crusters were nibbling Beluga caviar at the country club, punks were emptying their threadbare pockets to grab a slice of pizza pie, or making a three-course meal out of Pringles® , jerky, and Twizzlers®. The lower class has a palate too, ya' know, and we're never gonna rest until we see it satisfied.

Shriekers and guitar-manglers have long been powered by the raging storm in their bellies, ready to lash out at the world that keeps them hungry. From The Dickies "Shake and Bake" recipe to Fear's mouthwatering "Beef! Beef! Beef! ... Beef Balogna!!," punk and food have stayed intertwined.

Sadly, the relationship could also be abusive. For every track that celebrated the delights of the kitchen, there was a digestive ode from a darker, more questionable place. For example, see Angry Samoans' "Tuna Taco." Or don't.

But through all the burger damage and sugar rage we've endured through the decades, one thing has remained consistent: Punks gotta eat. And if we can't get our hands on the following recipes, we can always eat the rich.

Here's a bunch of songs for the playlist — All food all the time!

1- THE VANDALS "ANARCHYBURGER"
ANARCHY BURGER (HOLD THE GOVERNMENT!) BY THE VANDALS

-PATTY-
(I was thinking the government was the bun, but that sounds depressing, however you can declare the bun is in fact the government and leave it out if you wish) Lettuce may also be the government or possibly a narc, so I left that out as well.

Mix the PATTY ingredients together, add more starch/flour if you want or need to in order to make them malleable with your hands. Season to taste. Make into balls and flatten in a heated skillet with light oil. Flatten with a spatula and cook, turning once until nice and browned on both sides.

It is fairly easy to make FRENCH FRIES in the oven. Cut potatoes into strips of your desired size. Coat with salt and oil and bake on a cooking sheet at 450, turning once, for 20-30 minutes or until crispy but not burnt, of course. Keep an eye on them.

Cook the SAUTÉ ingredients in a small amount of oil until done to your liking (I enjoy slightly blackened onions personally). In order to achieve varied degrees of cookedness, obviously you can add the veggies to the pan at different times. Salt and pepper to taste.

Mix the QUICK CHILI ingredients and cook for five minutes. Adjust seasonings (sounds familiar).

And of course lastly, blend the ANIMAL SAUCE ingredients together to taste. And you can fry your sauerkraut as well, if you like. Compose everything. Your bun goes on the outside. Maybe.

-VINDALOO PASTE-
CHICKN VINDALOO (RAMONES "I JUST WANNA HAVE SOMETHING TO DO")

This is the most useful and pleasing of their culinary lyrical moments. I've made this complicated, but that's because they are deeper than they ever got credit for. Plus, this is my jam!

Toast the dry ingredients for the VINDALOO PASTE briefly in a dry pan. Grind them until fine. Mix with the other ingredients to form a paste. Set aside.

Fry the potatoes for the VINDALOO with salt and pepper in some olive oil until browned. Set aside. Fry the onions, ginger, and garlic briefly in olive oil. Add vegan chickn, salt and pepper to taste, turmeric, coriander, and fry until browned. Add minced peppers and vindaloo paste and stir, cooking for a few minutes. Add the potatoes. Mix brown sugar, tamarind, and lemon juice into the tomato sauce and add this to the pan. Cook for 10-15 minutes, adding water or broth to thin it out if necessary, and additional hot sauce or salt to taste. Serve with rice.

WIENERSCHNITZEL (DESCENDENTS)

Let's make this interesting. It really would be a breaded veal cutlet, but who cares?! Mushroom flour is an intriguing substance you can add to a lot of things to improve taste and texture. As you may have guessed, you should be listening to these songs when you make the recipes. Zany fun.

1/2 C. DRIED MUSHROOMS
Okay! Grind up those dried mushrooms into mostly a powder. Next, mix with the tofu, garlic, tapioca flour, tamari, a little oil, onion powder, half of the parsley, and salt and pepper to taste. Form into flat patties, adding more flour if needed. Mix mustard, lemon juice, and a little oil together. Set aside. Separately toss remaining parsley, breadcrumbs, and salt and pepper together to taste with a little extra flour or potato flour or your choice. Dredge patties in mustard-lemon juice mixture then in breadcrumbs and fry in a little oil (or bake at 400) turning once, until browned on both sides. Serve with scallions and gravy, or cooked apples, coleslaw, potatoes ... that sort of thing. Or on a bun, that's great too!

POT ROAST ("GLUTTONY" BY ALICE BAG BAND)

Alice Bag is cool, still playing music and doing book tours and representin'. And of course, this song is one of the fun highlights of Decline ... pay no mind to the salivating brrrooooood!! There's no law that says everything has to be fake meat right? I'm pretty sick of it too, I know I know ... so why not a different sort of "pot roast." I swear you can be gluttonous with this one as well. Pork out!

1 PUMPKIN
Cut pumpkin in half and take the seeds and goop out (actually, give the bugger a good wash too). Place in a large baking dish or Dutch oven and score the flesh deeply. Sprinkle with some broth, olive oil, salt, and pepper. Bake at 350 for 20 minutes. Add everything else except asparagus, including additional broth and paprika, and season to taste. Bake for 25 more, basting occasionally in its own juices. Like a capitalist. Add asparagus and continue cooking for 15-20 minutes. Serve in sizeable chunks with the roasted vegetables and some garlic mashed potatoes.

SHONEN KNIFE "BROWN MUSHROOMS"

Yes, I know they're talking about that kind of mushroom, but we're modifying here. Don't trip.

2 C. SLICED SHIITAKES
Coat mushrooms in half of the tamari and agave, and a little oil. Mix sesame seeds, five-spice, rice flour, and salt to taste and coat the mushrooms with this. Coat a pan with oil and heat to med-high and begin frying mushrooms. Cook for two minutes, turn, add garlic and onions. Continue cooking for several minutes till crispy. I like a pretty good coating of sesame seeds on these. Just before they are done, mix the rest of the tamari and agave with bean sauce and a little water(mustard too if you like), and pour it over the mushrooms. Remove it from the heat and serve with rice.

CHOP SUEY (SIOUXSIE AND THE BANSHEES "HONG KONG GARDEN")

British new wavers and punks were for a time obsessed with the "orient." And there was that connection of punk shows at chinese restaurants like Cathay DeGrande and Mabuhay Garden. This song has some pretty questionable lyrics, and chop suey is terrible. But here we are, making it delicious. All of it. Plus, who doesn't love Siouxsie?!

1 C. SLICED BOK CHOY
Begin by frying onions, garlic, and peppers with a tad of salt and pepper for two minutes in a little oil. Add the rest of the veggies (reserving some sprouts and the scallions) and sesame oil, and sauté for another minute or two. Add the tamari, mustard, hoisin, chili, peanuts, and half of the scallions, and cook for a few minutes more. Season to taste.

Somewhere in this train of events, fry the won ton strips in some oil until crispy. Salt them modestly and allow to drain on absorbent paper.

Serve your lovely chop suey with rice or noodles, garnish with the rest of the mung bean sprouts, scallions, and wonton strips. Of course you could add snow peas, bamboo, water chestnut, tofu or whatever else to the cooking if you like. Five Spice Tofu is a fine addition!

MASSIVE ENCHILADAS WITH RICE AND BEANS (À LA "ALFREDO'S")

Those SoCal boys love their takeout. I've rendered this in an amusing fashion, making it as inauthentic as possible.

LARGE CORN TORTILLAS (not the easiest thing in the world to find, but get the biggest ones you can)
Soak your beans, then cover them in water and cook until done (about 2 hours), adding more water if needed to keep them covered. Meanwhile, make your rice. When you have both, begin sautéing 1/2 C. onion, a minced chili, and 2 minced garlic cloves in 2 tsp. oil. Cook for two minutes, add beans and rice, and toss. Season to taste with cumin, saffron, chili powder, and coriander. Toss in toasted pine nuts and chopped mango, and remove from heat. Garnish when serving with fresh chopped onion and minced cilantro. For sauce, blend tomatillos, corn meal, green chilies, one onion, whole corianders, cumin seeds, oregano, lime juice and broth. Cook over medium heat for 15 minutes. Season to taste and set aside. Sauté spinach with garlic and half of the onions. Add a little cumin, chili powder and salt. Cook for three or four minutes, drain, and mix with more spice to taste, bell pepper, cilantro, crumbled tofu, and salt and pepper to taste. Add a little lime juice. Wet the tortillas in some water with lime. Roll filling in these, cover with sauce and bake at 400 for half an hour. Serve with those delicious beans and rice!

TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A PACKET OF CRISPS (SPLODGENOUSSABOUNDS) TO DO IT.

This is a cheeky number. Look up a lager recipe and spend the months it takes to make a bugger of it.

Meanwhile, chips are so easy to make and there are a couple of ways:

SEVERAL POTATOES SEA SALT OIL FOR FRYING

Slice the potatoes thinly and salt lightly. Fry in hot oil for several minutes, until crispy. Drain and salt. You can also fry them a bit, take them out and drain them, flatten them slightly with a spatula and then fry them again. A very crispy method. And there is also baking, coat them in oil and place on a baking sheet. Bake at 425 for 10-15 minutes, turning once until crispy.

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Excerpted from "This Ain't No Picnic"
by .
Copyright © 2014 Joshua Ploeg.
Excerpted by permission of Microcosm Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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