Table of Contents
Introduction 12
I Hooking Up 17
Stop Hooking Down and Start Hooking Up! 19
Manipulate Someone into Sleeping with you by Being Genuinely Interested in Them 26
How to Infect Their Phone with the Virus of You 28
Send Sexts so Good, You'll want then to get Leaked 30
Are You Sexually Compatible? (Keeping in Mind he Gets Five Tries to Give You an Orgams) 34
69-ing Your way to a more satisfied you 36
Predict the Future of the Relationship by overanalyzing Brunch 39
II Dating 45
Should You Date? An Equation 48
How to Ask Someone Out on a Date After You've Already Slept with Them 49
The Treacherous Lands of Dating 52
Why to Pretend to be, Other than Your Garbage Self 55
Find Out If They're Playing Mind Games with You by Playing Mind Games With Them (With a Select Your Own "Venture"!) 59
Define the Relationship by Overanalyzing How They Introduce You to Their Friends 63
Piece Together What Their Last Relationship Was Like By Stalking Their Ex 67
Casually Bring up that You Want to be Strictly Exclusive 70
III New Relationship 75
Choose the Perfect Profile Picture for Social Media 77
Single You vs. Couple You 81
What to do Now That Everyone Wants to Bone You 86
How to Relate to Your Single Friends Now that You're an Insufferable, Happy Person 88
Your Insufferably Happy Schedule Now that You're in a New Relationship 92
How to Survive Being A +1 at a Wedding: Drinking Game 93
Cobble Together an Anniversary Out of Your Amorphous Beginnings 96
Don't Say "I Love You" First 99
IV Long-Term Relationship 103
Stop Messing Around with Flashy Sexual Positions and Settle on the Two You Like 106
Take Out Your Anger Responsibly [An Inventory of What Is and What Isn't Ok To Throw During a Fight] 108
Establishing Healthy Boundaries and Trust (Unless they Leave their Email Open) 111
Channel Your Jealousy into Productive Activities 113
Things You Can Admit You Like Now 115
Things You Can Admit You Don't Like 117
Pet Names You Should Never Say In Public 119
V Moving in Together 123
The Three "L"S: Love, Lust & Logistics 125
Should You Move in Together? 126
Test the Relationship by Not Hiring Movers 128
How to Decorate Like the Adults You Aren't 130
Distribute the Chores So You're Equality Not Doing Them 133
Half-Assed Chore Chart 134
Which Streaming Service has the Best Murder Porn? 135
Should You Go To Your Friend's Birthday at a Bar? A Quiz 138
Repair the Friendships You Destroyed While You Were Falling in Love 141
Hosting a Dinner Party When You Don't Know Shit About Wine 143
Are You Planning on Having Friends With Kids? 146
VI Getting Engaged 151
Pick the Perfect Diamond for Your Engagement Ring 153
How to Ask for her Dad's Permission Like a Good Little Boy 157
How to Surprise her, Even Though You Just Picked Out a Ring Together 160
How to Ruin Your Proposal By Trying to Make It Go Viral 162
Ways to Stretch Your Engagement Celebration to Its Absolute Limit 163
Learn to Love the Word Fiancé, UGH 167
How to Tell Your In-Laws that You're Not Taking their Last Name without Sounding Like the Drippy Tampon of a Feminist they Suspect You Are 169
Estabish Your Family as the Christmas Family by Turning Your Significant Other Against their Own Parents 173
VII The Wedding 179
Damn It, Now You Have to Plan This Thing: A Checklist 182
How to Discourage People You Don't Like From Coming to Your Wedding 188
Seating Chart Battle Plan 191
A List of Outdated Traditions You Will Be Forced to Participate in 192
Choosing Your Signature Sexist Wedding Cocktail 193
Your Wedding Will Not Be the Best Day of Your Life 196
How to Have Obligatory Sex on Your Wedding Night 198
Epilogue 200