Table of Contents
Prologue: Radio Free Albumen ix
Part 1 Like A Young Robert Urich
1 Keanu Reeves Creates, Through His Mere Presence On-Screen, the Sense That Something Cinematic Is Happening, Even When That's Not Actually the Case 3
2 Keanu Reeves Fires a Shotgun into the Freshly Dug Grave of His Father, Andy Griffith 7
3 Keanu Reeves, as a Child, Plays on the Lot That Will One Day Be a Four Seasons Hotel, in What Will Become the Fifth-Most-Expensive Retail Corridor in North America 17
4 The Assassination of Charles Bronson by a Savage, Young Keanu Reeves 27
5 "You Run This Rotten, Evil Forest, and You Stole Those Cookies to Discredit Me" 33
6 Youth of America 39
7 Crash Dummy 53
Part 2 Bogus Journeys
8 Nonthreatening Boys 65
9 Dick and Ronnie Know Their Jobs (The Boy Looked at Johnny) 71
10 The Boy Who Came Down from the Hill 85
11 Keanu Is an Evil Robot Doppelganger and a Breakfast Cereal and a Man with a Dog's Face 101
12 Opera Envy 111
13 Transubstantiation Wedding 119
14 Plastic Roots of the Bodhi Tree 125
15 The Space of Free Action 133
16 The Laziest Boy in School 141
17 They Saved Keanu's Brain 149
18 Quattro Formaggi 157
19 That Florida Stud Thing 165
20 Jean Baudrillard's Dragula 171
Part 3 Wholesome God
21 Safe House 189
22 Wolf at the Door 195
23 Keanu Reeves Sings Chet Baker 201
24 In Every Immaculate Nancy Meyers Dream Kitchen a Cardiac Episode 207
25 Giving the Architect the Finger 211
26 A Bible Written in Hell 217
27 Philip K. Dick Energy 223
28 Keanu Reeves Is an Architect Who Says "Come to Papa" to a Bowl of Soup and Sandra Bullock Doesn't Know How to Pronounce "Dostoevsky" and without Ever Touching They Fall in Love 231
29 Translucent Placental Blubber 235
30 And Featuring Keanu Reeves as "Keanu Reeves" 241
31 Good, Clean Fun 247
32 Room 214 257
33 Flawlessly Tailored Kevlar Hair Shirt 271
34 Digital Ghost 279
Conclusion: The Essence of the Forest 291
Quod Debitum Sanguine 302
Endnotes 303
