Celebrating a Life: Planning Memorial Services and Other Creative Remembrances

Celebrating a Life: Planning Memorial Services and Other Creative Remembrances

Celebrating a Life: Planning Memorial Services and Other Creative Remembrances

Celebrating a Life: Planning Memorial Services and Other Creative Remembrances

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Overview

A guide of alternatives to traditional funerals, commemorating lost loved ones in a meaningful, personal way.
 
Today, many people are forgoing the trappings and timeworn rituals of typical funerals, and are instead opting to celebrate their loved ones’ lives. With careful planning, services like these can truly honor the person who has died—and both comfort and uplift those who attend.
 
Celebrating a Life offers sensitive guidance on every detail—venue, food and drink, music, flowers, eulogy, program, mementoes—all with the aim of making sure the memorial service’s honoree is remembered just as he or she would have wished. Checklists and an extensive resource directory provide much-needed help to those who have very little time to make arrangements. As author Faith Moore says, this book is not about regrets, but about reimagining how we say good-bye.
 
“In a caring, practical, and authoritative way, Faith Moore tackles a very difficult topic. Her direct and warm advice is a fabulous resource. This book is a must-read for anyone who will face the inevitability of honoring and celebrating the life of a deceased love one.” —Peggy Post, director of the Emily Post Institute and author of Emily Post’s Etiquette, 17th Edition

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781613123553
Publisher: ABRAMS, Inc.
Publication date: 03/01/2018
Sold by: Barnes & Noble
Format: eBook
Pages: 192
File size: 6 MB
Age Range: 3 Months to 18 Years

About the Author

Faith Moore has run her own innovative event planning company, Faith Moore & Associates, for over twenty-five years. Her clients include heads of state, foreign dignitaries, and many high-profile corporations. She is active on the lecture circuit and lives in Boston.

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

Redefine Why Settle for Less Than Extraordinary?

When the curtain opened, a central spotlight shone brightly on a sparkling pair of silver sneakers, resting alone on the stark seat of a wooden chair. More than a thousand of the fashion industry's most prominent figures had gathered in Carnegie Hall, not for a show, but to remember and honor Kal Ruttenstein, one of the industry's most respected designers. His star rose when he introduced the world to rhinestone-studded jeans; his talent endured throughout his life. Everyone there recognized Kal's silver sneakers, a poignant reminder of the one person who could ever fill them. Their meaning was not lost on the audience. More than a fashion statement, they were a symbol of how people were paying attention to more than just the words spoken at the memorial service. They proved that the simplest touches could create an indelible memory.

Symbolism can take many forms. At another memorial service, in a town fifty miles south of San Diego, a woman by the name of Andrea stood in front of a much smaller gathering to celebrate the memory of her father. There were no celebrities in the audience; her father, while well known in town, was a man of modest means who chose to work with his hands, first as a builder then later as a handyman. Everyone recognized the oversized leather flight jacket Andrea was wearing. On chilly days her father was never without it. The jacket — like the silver shoes — was a touching reminder of the World War II veteran.

Not so long ago these simple symbols, chosen as a way of honoring a departed loved one, would have been considered in poor taste and out of place. A favorite daughter would have worn black, not her father's care-worn flight jacket. There was a proper way of doing things. But when the baby boomers came of age and began getting married, they started doing things their way. They began placing more emphasis on making weddings meaningful for themselves and their friends, and less on appeasing the wishes of their families. The youth of that generation rejected the traditions that meant nothing to them and kept the traditions they liked. They found different places to get married: by the sea, on a mountaintop, in a field, on a boat, on a tropical island, in a castle. The destination wedding became commonplace. People started dressing in ways that reflected their personalities, whether that meant going barefoot, sporting Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts, or wearing a silk gown in a favorite shade of blue. Even black, once a symbol of disrespect, is now an acceptable color to wear to a wedding.

Reinventing wedding traditions was just the beginning. Soon after, a "party culture" evolved, raising the bar for extravagance for celebrations such as birthdays, graduations, and Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. It makes sense, then, that another important event — the funeral, or memorial service — would start to be treated in the same way. So, as three-quarters of a million baby boomers and the generations that follow are thrust, often for the first time, into planning memorial services, they are also reimagining how to say good-bye to the ones they love.

WHY THE TIME IS RIGHT FOR CHANGE

A party culture is one that is always looking to set a celebratory tone; for a memorial service this means being more inclined to focus on the positive aspects of a person's life rather than a public, prolonged mourning. Yet it is still important to acknowledge this life milestone, grieve as a community, and, even more importantly, lay a person to rest with respect, grace, and honor. More and more people no longer wish to leave the details and decision-making to someone else. They prefer to take control and do things their way. This has led to what can be called the "My Way Memorial Movement".

The many new ways people are choosing to remember loved ones demonstrate that the systems currently in place are insufficient. Even the euphemisms used to talk about those who have died — passed, passed on, passed away, deceased, expired (the correct medical term), gone to a better place, crossed over — seem inadequate. There is a stigma attached to the term "dead." In conversation we rarely say the "person who died" or the "dead person" because it sounds too harsh. A memorial service is a time to remember a person in their best light. It is for this reason that throughout this book I will refer to the person who has died as the honoree.

More people are taking the term "paying your respects" to heart and electing to have memorial services that acknowledge a person's life instead of focusing so intently on their death. In addition to having a more celebratory culture there are several other reasons for the trend. Memorial services are inherently open to a wider community of friends and acquaintances, often including people who come solely to support a grieving friend. And secondly, more people are choosing cremation or, even if opting for a traditional burial, deciding to hold a memorial ceremony without the body present, making it much easier to celebrate than grieve.

EXPLORING YOUR OPTIONS

According to recent reports from the National Center for Health Statistics, approximately 2.5 million people die per year in the United States, creating a funeral industry in the range of $13 billion. When people found they needed more support planning weddings, the wedding planner industry was born. In much the same way, the funeral industry is also experiencing a boom as people consider all the possible ways to hold a memorial service. You will find that providers in the industry are very aware of the trend toward personalization and are prepared and willing to work with you to help create the perfect event.

Just over sixteen percent of all people in the United States have no religious affiliation. There are many more who simply do not wish for a standard funeral service, which is often conducted by someone who does not know their family. Without the support of a religious institution, most people turn to the funeral industry to help with burial arrangements and an accompanying funeral or memorial service. While these services are respectful, they can also feel like a formality, a ritualistic way to say good-bye. There is little, if any, attention given to the small, personal touches that make a gathering special. The rituals performed are grounded in years of tradition, a sharp contrast to the celebratory nature of today's society.

As a growing number of people look for an alternative, a new industry is emerging. Secular celebrants are becoming an integral part of the funeral business. Although their main role is presiding over a service in place of a religious officiant, they are also an invaluable resource for funeral directors wanting to provide a more tailored experience for their clients.

Regardless of who leads you through the planning process or presides over the ceremony, a memorial service, first and foremost, should glorify the life of the honoree. People need the opportunity to grieve together, release their feelings, and recognize the value of the lives lived by those they love. For many, attending a "celebration of life" will feel more comforting and therapeutic than a traditional funeral.

WHY PLANS GO WRONG AND WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT

A common reaction of people faced with the task of planning a service, regardless of whether it is a simple family funeral or a large-scale memorial service, is to call on an outside source for help. In many ways this decision can be a good one, easing the burden of making arrangements in a time of grief. However, it can also lead to the loss of control over the planning, leading to an event swept in an unintended direction.

Edna died in her nineties, at home, surrounded by family. They had time to say good-bye and prepare for her death emotionally. But when she died, Edna's children arranged to hold her memorial service within the week. They called the Episcopalian church she had attended for many years and agreed upon a date and time. Yet when they met with the minister to discuss the service, they were unprepared for their reception. Rather than a sympathetic consoling figure, an overwrought, impatient man greeted them. There were too many weddings, too many christenings, too many funerals — far more work than what he had been led to believe when he agreed to fill in for a pastor on leave. The minister told the family exactly what the service would be: just the minimal funeral and no eulogy. They could not believe what they were hearing. This unanticipated response was so outlandish it was almost laughable. But the family had already placed the notice and had to move forward with the service they were handed.

While this is an extreme example of how a bereaved family can lose control of a memorial service, there are more subtle ways things can go wrong when plans are made under duress. Often there are extenuating circumstances, such as trying to make arrangements quickly or from a long distance, that contribute to the difficulty of establishing a meaningful ceremony. On the other hand, some people are too upset to make any decisions and are perfectly willing to hand the task over to someone else. Only later, when reflecting upon what happened, do they realize what might have been.

This book is not about regrets, but rather about learning how and why to plan and how to create a more memorable way to say good-bye. It is about making sure you and your loved ones are remembered in a way you and they would have wanted. It is also about second chances, and showing you how to re-celebrate the life of an honoree — especially when you feel the need for a more satisfying closure, an ongoing remembrance, or a way to include people who couldn't participate in the first service or ceremony.

THE IMPORTANCE OF PLANNING

As a professional event planner for more than twenty years, I have regularly been asked to help friends, family, and clients plan "the ultimate event," a thoughtful and creative memorial service. When asked about their memorial service, people often say that no one should make a fuss over them. Most people simply do not like to think about death, let alone talk about it.

One of the primary reasons for having a wedding is to create a memory for friends, family, and the couple, to earmark the transition from son and daughter to husband and wife. No other celebration is traditionally as elaborate or as festive. The next celebration that serves that same purpose, to acknowledge a major life transition, is the memorial service. On average, people have three days to plan a memorial service for a loved one. Weddings, on the other hand, can take months or even years to plan. Considering the importance of the event, there is no reason that a memorial service should not be planned in advance, just like a wedding.

In my office we often ask, "If you were hit by a bus tomorrow, would everyone be prepared to carry on without you?" Many people think they are finished planning once they've created a will. But, unless you have clearly written down guidelines for your memorial service, you cannot be sure your family will know how to fulfill your last wishes. Perhaps the service will be handed over to a clergy member who never knew you or anyone in your family. Maybe the burden of decision-making will rest with friends or family during a time when they need to grieve.

Planning ahead empowers the loved ones you leave behind. When somebody close to you dies, it is natural to feel like a victim of circumstance. After all, we have no control over the moment when death strikes. We can, however, choose how we celebrate that person's life. And regardless of how we choose to say good-bye, the experience is a necessary ritual for finding closure and peace of mind. When people celebrate the life of an honoree with dignity, guilt can subside. Think about how having a clear plan will release your loved ones from the frustration of wondering what your wishes would have been or — worse — feeling guilty for not intuitively knowing what you would have wanted.

Sometimes we simply don't know what our wishes are and need to make time to figure out what is important, what should be included, and what should be discarded. Planning will help you make the right decisions.

The first time you have to plan a service for someone who has left no wishes behind you will realize what a daunting task it can be. Where should you gather to celebrate? What tone should the service take? What music should you play? What words would best describe the honoree's character and accomplishments? Who are the most appropriate speakers?

On the flip side, once you realize that this is important and an opportunity to once again put your own creative stamp on a life milestone, you'll ask yourself, "Why settle for what others choose to do when we can plan something extraordinary?"

EXPRESSING YOUR WISHES

Creating your own service is all about doing something positive, something my sister believes in firmly. As an oncologist, she takes a traditional western approach to medicine (prescribing chemotherapy and proven drugs). However, when people come to her and say, "What about my sister-in-law who suggested avocado oil massages?" she will say, "Good, yes, you should do that and continue taking your medication. Try the avocado oil because whenever you feel you are doing something positive, you are doing something to help."

As you take time to plan and write down your wishes, you will gradually find it easier to think about, then talk about, and eventually maybe even laugh about your memorial service. As you consider different options, you might even become more adventurous about the context in which you would like people to remember you. Conversely, you might find that you want a more traditional service, but now know how to express what that means in a way that others will understand and easily implement.

When planning for yourself you never know how much time you have, so the earlier you start thinking and planning, the better. Keep a file of clippings, favorite music, and quotations that resonate with you. Ponder the questions posed in this book. Write down your wishes and entrust them to a loved one who will carry them out.

LESS IS MORE

In the following pages you'll find guidance on every component of planning. Even if you have only a few days to make arrangements, this book will provide you with numerous ways to quickly and inexpensively create a fulfilling, celebratory memorial service. When considering all of these ideas, you might be tempted to create a service that goes over the top. The true intent of this book is to help you create a memorial service that is true to the wishes of the honoree and provides guests the satisfaction of participating in a proper send-off. We have all heard the slogan, "Less is more." A memorial service is the perfect occasion to follow that rule. Just one thoughtful touch, embellishment, or change in venue can turn an impersonal, ordinary service into one that is truly extraordinary.

CHAPTER 2

Brainstorm Three Questions for Creative Planning

Planning ahead helps you ensure that your memorial service captures your essence and offers comfort to those who attend. You are creating a portrait of yourself that will be enormously helpful to those left behind. This is an ongoing process, one that you should revisit every few years as your preferences evolve.

The first step in answering the three questions presented in this chapter is to consider all of the possibilities. Brainstorming with a friend will help this process and make it more fun. When you're finished reading, record your preferences (see the Personal Portrait and Wishes Profile) for safekeeping.

QUESTION 1: WHAT ARE YOUR WISHES?

In this context, "wishes" are stipulations you make for how you want your celebration to be carried out. They can include legal or financial items provided for in your will, but should also include more simple requests if you have them. The focus here is on planning your memorial service, not distributing your estate, although both planning sessions can easily go hand-in-hand. When a wish costs money to execute, you will need to make sure you have allocated money from your estate to cover the costs. Consider how your requests will affect others and how feasible they are to execute. In the end, whoever executes the actual event will consider the appropriateness of the request and make the ultimate decision. Perhaps Aunt Millie says she wants a line of limousines to carry everyone from the church to the reception. Her daughter might dismiss the request when planning the event, knowing that the gesture is much too ostentatious for her mother's crowd. She would want to save her mother from a dreadful mistake, knowing the wish would more likely anger people than leave the positive image she wanted. In a similar vein, you might stipulate that you want everyone to come in pajamas and think you have a very good reason, yet some people might not feel comfortable fulfilling your request.

(Continues…)



Excerpted from "Celebrating a Life"
by .
Copyright © 2009 Faith Moore.
Excerpted by permission of Abrams Books.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Foreword,
1 Redefine Why Settle for Less Than Extraordinary?,
2 Brainstorm Three Questions for Creative Planning,
3 Organize Getting Started,
4 Creativity Personalizing Your Celebration,
5 Venue Finding the Right Place,
6 Storytelling Putting Memories Into Words,
7 Readings Passages and Poetry,
8 Song Music That Matters,
9 Symbolism The Significance of Symbols,
10 Inspiration Tradition,
11 Legacy Second Chances,
12 Gather Seven Surreptitious Ways to Plan,
Helpful Resources,
Acknowledgments,
Index,

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