2007-Eleven: And Other American Comedies

by Frank Cammuso, Hart Seely

Overview

From the pages of The New Yorker, The New York Times, and Slate stagger Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely, restoring a cheerful sanity to our deranged lives and times.

Every now and then, funny writing somehow manages to retain full possession of literary quality. Please see Twain, Heller, Benchley, Parker, Frazier, Geng. And now please see Cammuso and Seely. If you're not some famous person in our hyped, commodified, three-screen (movie, TV, computer), celeb-ridden society, count your blessings. Because if you are, Cammuso and Seely will probably get you sooner or later. They got Martha Stewart--they have her planning gracious plans for her version of the Son of God's final repast: "Jesus has indicated--against my better wishes--that He intends to gird Himself with a towel and wash everybody's feet. So be it. But beforehand, I'll run his terry cloth for five minutes in the dryer, making it toasty and soft." They (fondly) postu-late how Phil Rizzuto might have written a characteristically fractionated version of "Casey at the Bat": "'Fraud!' cried the maddened thousands, and the echo murmured 'Fraud.' / Hey, Murcer! Look! Bea Arthur! Didn't she play Maude?" The Flintstones become the Clintstones, Quentin Tarantino directs The Three Little Pigs, and Dr. Seuss collaborates poetically with Rod Serling.

Even when the targets of these pieces are of the moment, Cammuso and Seely's humor will endure. What's more evanescent than pop-music stardom? Sex, maybe, but not much else. But who won't laugh, even years from now, as Cammuso and Seely--in "Six Degrees of Chuck Berry"--introduce some of the record industry's often interchangeable personages to each other: "Tanya, Enya. Enya, Shania. Shania, Mariah. Mariah, Wynonna. Wynonna, Fiona . . . " Nobody.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780375505911
Publisher:	Random House Publishing Group
Publication date:	09/19/2000
Sold by:	Random House
Format:	eBook
Pages:	176
File size:	2 MB

About the Author

Frank Cammuso draws editorial cartoons for the Post-Standard newspaper in Syracuse, New York. His work has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, Newsweek, The Washington Post, USA Today, and The Village Voice.

Hart Seely is an award-winning reporter for the Post-Standard newspaper in Syracuse, New York. His work has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, The New Republic, National Lampoon, The Village Voice, and Spy magazine. He is married and has three children.

Read an Excerpt

The Xmas Files

Elm Street Bethlehem, PA. 11:51 P.M. December 24

We're too late! It's already been here.

Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.

Look, Scully-just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine ... halls decked with boughs of holly stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

You really think someone's been here?

Someone ... or something.

Mulder, over here-it's a fruitcake ...

Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal!

It's OK. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Who? What are you talking about?

Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

But that's legend, Mulder-a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?

Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive and in a hurry.

It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.

It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.

But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?

You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child, my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back, it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

Impossible.

I know what I saw. And that night, it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!

I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X files.

Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake.

But we have no proof.

Last year on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspaces over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

But that was a meteor shower.

Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody-not even the zookeeper-was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

Mulder, I-

Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?

On the roof. It sounds like ... a clatter.

The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.

What People are Saying About This

Steve Martin

I laughed out loud, even though my captors warned me not to!

Dave Barry

These guys are very smart and very funny. And there are two of them. I am dead meat.

Christopher Buckley

Who's on first today? Cammuso and Seely.

Editorial Reviews

Reporter Seely and editorial cartoonist Cammuso (both of whom work for the Syracuse Post-Standard) regularly team up to bring their unusual brand of literary humor to the airwaves of NPR and the pages of the New York Times. This slim volume collects 29 of their lampoons, most of which involve a far-fetched premise--radio therapist Dr. Laura Dolittle talking to animals, James Bond confronting a sexual harassment suit, a clothing catalogue penned by David Mamet. In one hilarious essay, the pair imagines Martha Stewart planning the Last Supper: "Whether it's a plague of locusts or a hollandaise that has curdled, you can always expect some last-minute crisis." In another, they cleverly invent a collaboration between The Twilight Zone's Rod Serling and Dr. Seuss, a poem called "And to Think That They Landed on Mulberry Street." (Try reading it aloud.) Their parody of The X-Files (the "Xmas Files")--in which Mulder and Scully investigate the existence of Santa Claus--has already become a cult classic. (X-Files fans have pirated, e-mailed and posted it online, often without giving proper credit to Cammuso and Seely). Perhaps, then, the only flaw in this entertaining collection is in its title: whereas these same X-Files fans would have waited in line for a book titled The Xmas Files, nobody's likely to know what to do with the idea of a 2007-Eleven. (May) Copyright 2000 Cahners Business Information.|

Publishers Weekly - Publisher's Weekly

Each humorous essay is an excellent satire of our media culture...pretty damn good.
—Brill's Content

Ellen Oxfeld

"I laughed out loud, even though my captors warned me not to!"                  
—Steve Martin

"These guys are very smart and very funny. And there are TWO of them. I am dead meat."      —Dave Barry

"Who's on first today? Cammuso and Seely."
—Christopher Buckley

From the Publisher