2,501 Things That Really Piss Me Off: A Catalog of Insults and Intrusions That are Sure to Ruin My Day

by Herb W. Reich

Overview

Complaining, psychologists assert, is good for the soul. It acts as a relief valve to help dispel the pent-up energy generated by our frustration. If we weren’t able to complain, we would no doubt exhibit more physical violence and engage more frequently in destructive behavior. Our neighbors outrage us, our children mock us, strangers insult us, government agencies mistreat us, unscrupulous entrepreneurs victimize us, and even inanimate objects conspire to screw up our lives. Compelling inner voices harass us, the crowd in the Agora thwarts us, and irrationality surrounds us everywhere. It’s enough to make someone paranoid! 2,501 Things That Really Piss Me Off demonstrates that misery loves company, and that we are the company that misery loves. 
Intended as a catalog of everything irksome in our lives, 2,501 Things That Really Piss Me Off reviews the broad spectrum of affronts, annoyances, nuisances, grievances, vexations, mortifications, and molestations that disrupt our equanimity and that daily pervert the simple pleasures of living. It gives voice to the time-honored practice of people everywhere in the world—griping. Within these pages the reader will find items of anger, reflection, humor, social comment, and even the occasional non sequitur. For its octogenarian author, it is pure catharsis, but it is also the author’s intention that the reader be entertained, and, with a little luck, enriched by the realization that the demons that confound him confound the rest of us as well. That he is not alone in his Weltschmerz.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781616085728
Publisher:	Skyhorse
Publication date:	08/01/2012
Pages:	176
Product dimensions:	4.90(w) x 7.00(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

Herb Reich spent fifteen years as senior acquisition editor at John
Wiley & Sons. Before that, he administered the behavioral science publishing program at Basic Books and served as editorial director of the Macmillan Book Clubs. Along the way, he edited The
Odyssey Scientific Library and contributed to The Random House
Dictionary of the English Language and the Corsini Encyclopedia of
Psychology. The author of Don’t You Believe It! and Numberpedia, he lives in Hastings-on-Hudson, New York.

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

SECTION 1:

The Offenders

lawyers politicians paparazzi my cousin Marvin people who have graduated from assertiveness courses people who leave the price on a gift when I find dirty words in my alphabet soup bait-and-switch practices the boss's salary when they make bad movies out of good books people who don't leash their dogs yentas the Macarena e-mail spam waiters who ask, "Who ordered the ...?"
parents who don't parent credit cards that arrive in the mail unsolicited Eurotrash people who are always late people who are always early hackers nineteen-year-old technomillionaires people who don't understand me people who do understand me repetition reiteration redundancy prolixity superfluidity why brassiere is singular but panties is plural checks that bounce tennis balls that don't when police arrest a mime, they must tell him he has the right to remain silent bad drivers bad putters I can never find the inside of my Mobius strip all day long I've been trying to find out what time it is, and everyone gives me a different
  answer anything teal cookies made with lard talking heads on TV people who are out to get me paranoia that the ancient Greeks never learned to write English so we could read them in the
  original Venus envy premature elaboration when my beer goes flat when my bacon isn't crisp accordion players preachers who dabble in politics politicians who dabble in preaching the sink spigot that gurgles unproductively, then suddenly hoses out a tsunami wave that
  floods over the front of my trousers hitting a succession of red traffic lights when I'm late for an appointment nepotism there is no other word for synonym trompe l'oeil shower curtains
.com being hit by lightning newspaper delivery boys who never miss the roof PTAs that hold cocktail parties to raise money for stop-student-drinking programs the picture in my closet is getting really ugly colorized Marx Brothers films three-card monte games on the street doctor's receptionists who think they are working for the Almighty doctors who think their receptionists are working for the Almighty the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune the whips and scorns of time the oppressor's wrong the proud man's contumely the pangs of dispriz'd love the law's delay the insolence of office the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes people who display their learning politicians who dedicate themselves to making the country safe for hypocrisy body piercing sanctimonious political candidates French poodles with polished nails French poodles getting a menu of options when I call 911
Panglossian optimism pseudointellectual display obfuscating euphemisms the tax code the word phonetic isn't spelled the way it sounds paper cuts songwriters who rhyme go with befo'
supercilious head waiters the annoying music played while I'm waiting on the phone for a human voice the annoying music played in elevators the annoying music played in my daughter's room the Psychic Friends Network not being able to predict that they were going bankrupt cutesy TV News anchors hair loss memory loss job loss sentences that begin, "The thing is ..."
fortune cookies that lie to me the weather in Buffalo psychiatrists haven't discovered one really good new phobia in decades computer prodigies and their megathingies my shrink reads "War and Peace" while I'm on the couch the bank pays interest quarterly, but charges interest monthly my passport picture I can't figure how Teflon sticks to the pan borborygmus my inability to trisect an angle exhibitionists with nothing to exhibit diner waitresses who call me "Hon"
the broken E string on my ukulele
Days of Our Lives excludes Saturdays and Sundays
General Hospital doesn't accept insurance assignment
The Guiding Light went out palm buzzers lapel flowers that squirt water plastic dog doo dribble glasses whoopee cushions dribble cushions whoopee glasses the infirmity of good taste in modern society election results are too often determined by which candidate spent the most money lawyers getting hit in the head by a pelota dandruff a turnover on the one-yard line mirrors that distort my reflection mirrors that don't distort my reflection the scurrilous inaccuracies and manufactured controversies in supermarket tabloids I wasn't born rich instead of handsome I wasn't born handsome high LDL the guest room TV that automatically resets to Hotel Channel every time it's turned off melancholia obtuse angles obtuse anglers the word lisp has an "s" in it reality hero worship whiners people who are more inept than we give them credit for entropy telephone solicitations at dinner time bad toupees overnight letters that arrive a week later theatre-goers who understand Ionesco Sophia Loren has stopped making movies Tori Spelling hasn't the salesman who talked me into buying a green plaid suit the company that made the green plaid suit the green plaid suit agita vulgarity frivolous lawsuits the cost of a campaign for election to public office any bacchanalia to which I have not been invited being tickled being tackled being tarred and feathered potholes losing my short-term memory potholes unintentionally paying for my dentist's children to go to Ivy League colleges root canal work that extends to graduate school being groped in a public place being groped in a private place undercooked meats in nouveau cuisine whoever dreamed up blueberry bagels Lady Gaga's Monster Balls bad Elvis impersonators good Elvis impersonators the equanimity with which we accept mediocrity the magician who pulls a rabbi out of a hat making a wrong turn on a pilgrimage spherical aberration in my shaving mirror menus with sandwiches named after celebrities the proliferation of awards dinners the change of time zones when traveling psychological analyses of Gilligan's Island
potholes I forgot not knowing the difference between that and which not knowing the difference between who and whom whomever it is which don't know the difference Godot never showed up Lefty never showed up my airplane luggage never showed up Sheridan Whiteside never left finding out that the Shadow doesn't know catheters when my coupons expire the day before I go shopping high-fivers high taxes high colonics the accusatory look on Le Penseur artistic pretension the incredible wastefulness of the Crusades, especially the Children's Crusade religious fanatics of any kind our loss of innocence our loss of civility people who pontificate mimes their team 26, my team 0
the disappearance of spittoons Chia pets that don't stop growing lubricity plangency anfractuosity strangury people who try to impress me with their pretentious vocabulary being the company that misery loves writers who seem to always split an infinitive our schools no longer teach civics having a tandem bike and no one to ride it with traffic gridlock broken parking meters the word "monosyllabic" has five syllables tall, leggy, beautiful blond models who seem to prefer funny-looking, dumpy, bald,
  ignorant guys with bad breath who happen to be extremely rich I'm getting forgetful potholes I never had a dog named Toto I never had anything named Rosebud I never could name that tune we don't yet have a medical school degree in proctopsychiatry — for specialists with
  patients who have their heads up their asses the ephemeral metaphoric vocabularies of art critics and wine afficionados equivocating pet psychologists people who act as if they have a monopoly on the truth people who alter reality to support their point of view smiley-face balloons I think, therefore I am not Descartes plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose kamikaze pilots wore helmets drivel cacophony parvenus sycophants moral turpitude lawyers politicians whenever I switch lanes in traffic, the lane I moved into slows down and the one I just left
  speeds up we've lost Peanuts we've lost Calvin & Hobbes Pauly Shore movies polka dot lederhosen hour-long messages on my answering machine that leave no space for other callers Pete Rose has not been elected to the Hall of Fame there's no longer a distinction between fame and notoriety; it's now all just celebrity naming airplane luggage after Amelia Earhart and expecting it to arrive at its destination not being allowed to play on the Net all day at work pork barrel legislation, especially when introduced by congressmen who loudly proclaim
  their aversion to high taxes and government waste wine in a box the people next door the floor plan of my house was laid out by Maurits Escher I never saw J. Edgar Hoover in his party frock the incredibly loud sound of dripping water the morning after some serious drinking the pirates of penance prerecorded phone solicitations holding a full house against four of a kind governmentese bad news travels at twice the speed of good news farm subsidies paid for not planting ignorance stupidity bigotry venality vice presidents who can't spell "potato"
the outrageous tastelessness that passes as haute couture Colonel Mustard in the closet with Miss Scarlet Miss Scarlet in the closet with the candlestick leaky coffee cups idolatry auctioning body parts on e-Bay the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to child abuse parent abuse spousal abuse police abuse the popularity of exposed navels identifying an octopus as a sea animal with eight testicles Pamper-wearing babies in public pools road hogs someone else's flatulence confusing hype with achievement cab drivers who don't know how to get from here to there children's beauty pageants ominous figures in the night ominous figures on a P&L type A personalities the politicization of the news on the Fox network chain letters, especially on e-mail making the same mistake twice mustard plasters speed traps the behavior of some royals bumper stickers that say, "My child can beat up your honor student."
pastrami sandwiches served with mayonnaise inattentive waiters crematoria that don't give discounts for burn victims waiters in a crowded restaurant who ask, not too subtly, "You still workin' on that?"
polysemous words shallow profundity bee stings shrapnel how few stars appear on Dancing With the Stars
the government didn't bail me out Savonarola's execution when my dentist says, "this won't hurt"
not getting the larger one the abandon with which universities award unjustified honorary degrees people who oppose abortion but favor the death penalty. (It seems not a matter of what, but
  of when.)
people who oppose the death penalty but favor abortion Howard Stern's protracted preadolescence being asked for a midstream sample in a paper cup. And no wash and wipes available.
rudeness missing plane connections missing train connections missing connect-the-dot connections the gravitational density of black holes the speed of light existential angst the traffic on the Grande Corniche people who respond with "No problem" rather than a courteous "You're welcome"
giant squid the Vatican's castration of so many masterful sculptures the unhappy fate of Pelleas and Melisande needlepoint Bless Our Happy Home wall hangings moose-scented incense your knowing smirk your smirking knowledge the time it takes to get to Neptune profligacy my inability to tie a timber hitch
"a slim chance" and "a fat chance" mean the same
"flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same
"slow down" and "slow up" mean the same
"wise guy" and "wise man" do not mean the same noses can run, but feet can smell the level of civic ignorance in this country: Newsweek research found only 38 percent of citizens were able to pass America's official citizen test tight shoes loose morals gutter balls tongue studs, eyebrow studs, nipple studs, belly button studs when the other team kicks a field goal when my team misses a field goal predictable plot lines gilt complex a film in which not one car is blown up mosquito bites Gresham's Law people who throw garbage out of car windows political spin doctors greed palmetto bugs bedbugs I've never been invited to the White House pompoms know-it-all columnists Vanessa Williams was disqualified as Miss America
"batteries are not included"
MSG when I can't spell antidisistablishmentareanism when I can't pronounce antidisestablishmentarianism when the traffic cop who stops me is younger than I am when my doctor, my dentist, and my attorney are younger than I am when my doctor, my dentist, and my attorney trade magazines for the reception room politicians who don't know when to get off the stage plane passengers who try to stuff steamer trunks in the overhead luggage compartment dogs who display their friendliness by slobbering all over me dogs who display their friendliness by humping my leg shoveling snow cleaning up leaves in October/November people who suck their teeth necrophagia necromancy back-slapping salesmen overnight flights never winning a Pulitzer Prize never winning an Oscar never winning an Emmy never winning an argument with my wife tepid coffee plastic flowers one of John Keats's finest poems, "On First Looking Into Chapman's Homer," mistakenly
  credits Cortez with discovering the Pacific Ocean (it was Balboa)
garden slugs grandmothers playing ingénue roles when a house burns up, it burns down the volume of junk mail during election seasons watermelon-flavored bubblegum cherry-flavored cough medicine religious zealots at my front door (frequently with pamphlets)
finding advertising flyers under my windshield wiper triskaidekaphobia xanthophobia I don't agree with what you say, but I'll defend my right to not agree with you guys who are out of it because their iPods are always plugged into their ears all those electronic gadgets I don't understand insipid post-game interviews with team members current events commentators with "insightful" post facto predictions computer viruses any viruses the constant increases in the cost of postage stamps every time the cost of postage goes up, the postal service goes down ugly neckties designer neckties neckties overpriced utilities party guests who assay my medicine cabinet party hosts who have nothing interesting in their medicine cabinets any time a physician tells me he's absolutely sure what my symptoms mean, that's when I
  get a second opinion stores that double their prices in time for a "one-third off " sale artificial cream cheese meretriciousness age is a high price to pay for maturity leaky fountain pens never to have been introduced to Karl Malden transparent excuses foolproof excuses proving me foolish passwords the need for passwords salesmen who won't take no for an answer waitstaff who start removing plates while some at the table are still dining Schopenhauer's idea of life as tragic Montaigne's inability to know objective truth Berkeley's belief that material objects are nothing but collections of sensations given a
  common name philosophers who know everything about everything, but nothing else funny animal videos drivers who:
  think they own the road
  pick their nose at stop lights
  refuse to move out of the fast lane when I blink them
  park two feet from the curb
  straddle the white line
  tailgate
  drive at me with their bright lights on
  only slow down at stop signs
  speed through intersections on the yellow light
  play their radios at sound pollution levels
  blow their horns instead of learning to drive better
  speed up approaching a red light and then jam on their brakes
  don't signal before they turn
  signal for a left and then turn right
  signal for a right and then turn left
  signal for a turn and then don't
  consume a six-pack before getting behind the wheel
  show no road courtesy
  cut me off
  cut me off, then give me the finger
  get behind me and honk the horn the second the light turns green
  park in spaces reserved for the handicapped
  take up two parking spaces with one car neap tide anybody that does anything better than I do bone bruises sonic teeth cleaning illiterate late-night television hosts illiterate early-morning television hosts the inflated salaries of many CEOs company executives who steal their company's assets while they bankrupt their employees'
  retirement plans war underdone grouse overdone grouse grouse belief in the Herrenvolk stepping in gum sunburn repeatedly landing on "Go to Jail"
not passing GO not collecting $200
pet pit bulls schlock radio interstate highways in Hawaii newspeak long-distance phone companies that have several different plans, the least costly of which
  they never voluntarily tell you about used-car salesmen fruitcakes phone scams religious proselytizers a golf slice a golf hook golf donut-size spare tires lawyers politicians querulousness soggy vegetables mediocre sports players who earn multimillion dollars a year dirty little men who cop a feel on the subway Paris traffic three-minute red lights J'accuse according to recent polls, over 30 percent of high school students don't know who fought
  in the Civil War the smell of lamb cooking people who don't like cats cats who don't like people junk junkies charities that ask for more the week after you've sent a check librarians who can't read books by authors who can't write candidates for high office who can't think that the tape will self-destruct in 10 seconds tick bites flea bites barbers who don't listen barbers who don't shut up burnt toast burnt coffee funny New Year's Eve hats when birds nest in my beard when birds nest in my soup the military-industrial complex

(Continues…)

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Excerpted from "2,501 Things That Really Piss Me Off"
by .
Copyright © 2012 Herb W. Reich.
Excerpted by permission of Skyhorse Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Preface,
Acknowledgments,
Prelude,
SECTION 1: The Offenders,
SECTION 2: Impolitic Politicians,
SECTION 3: Great Denials in History,
SECTION 4: The Language of Obfuscation,
SECTION 5: TV or Not TV,
SECTION 6: Movie Clones,
Afterword,
Reader's List,
About the Author,
I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to,
take it anymore.",