50 Things Not to Do after 50: From Naming Your Pets after Tolkien Characters to Signaling ?Peace Out? to Your Friends

by Leland Gregory

Overview

If you or someone you know has just turned fifty, it’s time to accept that the rules of life have changed, and that fifty is not the new thirty for most of us. Leland Gregory understands the forgetful minds, sagging bodies, and flagging pride of his fellow middle-agers, and in 50 Things Not to Do after 50, he offers helpful advice aimed at combating the humiliations this stage of life can bring.

For example, regardless of your gender, under no circumstances should you ever

attempt to wear leather pants
start a story that involves a lot of names—you'll forget most of them before the story is over
stalk your high school sweetheart on Facebook. You might discover the person you had the hots for in 10th grade isn’t so hot anymore
get drunk in Pamplona and deciding to run with the bulls
volunteer to be a drug mule
Say things like "fo’shizzle," "whatev," or "cray-cray"
And do we really need to mention thongs, Speedos, or jeggings?

50 Things Not to Do after 50 is a lighthearted and sometimes painfully on-target book about how what we used to do in our twenties, thirties, and forties should be avoided at all costs now that we’re in our fifties.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781629144306
Publisher:	Skyhorse
Publication date:	02/10/2015
Pages:	156
Sales rank:	1,104,743
Product dimensions:	5.00(w) x 7.00(h) x 0.70(d)

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

Even if it's become an accepted topic at cocktail parties, refrain from talking about your colonoscopy or asking people about theirs. It doesn't make for pleasant dinner conversation and it conjures up nightmarish images for people who haven't had one yet. When you were younger, poo poo jokes were funny, but you're beyond that now. Besides, colonoscopies are nothing to laugh at (fart jokes, however, will always have a timeless appeal).

Avoid making a Facebook account for your dog. If you're a woman and have more than three cats, don't identify them as "children" on your Facebook page. Facebook is, however, a great way to find people you haven't seen in a while. Remember, though, that the boy or girl you had a major crush on in high school does not look the way you might remember him or her. He or she, too, has been smashed by the hammer of time.

If you're running around the house naked (which I condone), and someone calls, please, please, don't tell them you're running around the house naked. From an outsider's point of view, you probably resemble Jell-O in a paint shaker. There. I said it. I'm sorry.

"Nobody expects to trust his body overmuch after the age of fifty." — Alexander Hamilton, founding father and dude on the $10 bill

Shooting fake gang signs is not for 50-year-olds. Your twelve-year-old niece will only play along for so long before she tells all her friends what a dork you are. Also, if you don't know sign language, there's no telling what you're actually saying.

Now is not the time to do things you've never trained to do, like climb Mount Kilimanjaro, swim the English Channel, or enter a weight lifting competition. Face it, your mind and body are completely separate entities. The mind will try to convince you that you still have the abilities you had in your twenties, but your body is the realist. Take this simple test: pick up a cushion from the couch and run from one end of your house to the other as quickly as you can. If you're out of breath, put the cushion back on the couch, sit down, and turn on the television. If you're not huffing and puffing, then you might consider the previously mentioned activities.

Don't let this happen to you:

Mountaineer Reinhold Messner of Bolzano, Italy, who was the first man to scale Mount Everest without oxygen, broke a bone in his heel at his home. It was rumored that the 50-year-old man was injured when he scaled the wall after locking himself out.

You may have been practicing yoga since your twenties (bully for you!), but this does not give you the right to gesture "namaste" at complete strangers. This prayer and bow combo will only make you come off as highly insincere, and no one cares about the divine spark in your heart chakra anyway.

Don't complain about the lyrics in modern music. Remember, you used to listen to "Surfin' Bird" by the Trashmen, "Louie Louie," and "MacArthur Park." There's always been good music, and there's always been bad. I'm sure your parents thought the music of their generation was the best. Here's some advice: if you don't like modern music, don't listen to it. On the flip side, it is weird to see a 50-year-old man in a Buick blasting gangsta rap on his way to the golf course.

Stop calling yourself middle age unless half the people you know are over 100.

Don't let this happen to you:

Fifty-year-old bricklayer Alex Mitchell died laughing while watching the "Kung Fu Kapers" episode from the British comedy television series, The Goodies. After twenty-five minutes of continuously laughing at a kilt-clad Scotsman battling a vicious black pudding with his bagpipes, Mitchell gave one last "tremendous belly laugh, slumped on the settee, and died," said his widow. Mrs. Mitchell, it was reported, later sent a fan letter to The Goodies thanking them for making Mitchell's final moments of life so pleasant.

(Continues…)

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Excerpted from "50 Things Not to Do after 50"
by .
Copyright © 2014 Leland Gregory.
Excerpted by permission of Skyhorse Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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