Read an Excerpt
Adult Stuff
Things You Need to Know to Win at Real Life
By Robert Boesel, Matt Moore Sourcebooks, Inc.
Copyright © 2016 Robert Boesel and Matt Moore
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4926-2069-3
CHAPTER 1
EMPLOYMENT
Internship
Perfect World
You somehow landed yourself an internship. It's unpaid, but your foot is firmly in the door. And where does that door lead? To your shimmering future of success at this company. With your hard work ethic, you'll be able to impress your superiors in no time. You know those filing cabinets better than you know your own reflection — the Mc's come after the M's, and all the XYZ's share the same folder. You are the office master of skill and alphabetical organization — a modern Michelangelo, and these files are your manila-colored David. Your boss looks over your tireless labor and nods in proud celebration, then calls out your craftsmanship before an office-wide standing ovation. As Jill from HR adds your name to the Employee of the Month board, your boss hands you a box of business cards. Welcome to the team, intern.
Get Real
You think they're going to hire the intern for a big-person job just because you can file? An eight-year-old can alphabetize (and probably do it faster), so don't start putting in your vacation requests quite yet. You are an intern because the job market is sluggish and no company wants to pay for another full-time employee, even one with a brand-spankin'-new bachelor's degree. And job experience is job experience, even if it's unpaid or at minimum wage. Welcome to the bottom of the ladder, kid. Brace yourself, because you're about to get stepped on.
You vs. Eight-Year-Old
Are you good at cleaning up messes? No, that's not a euphemism for "solving important problems." But can you grab some paper towels and clean up the coffee that spilled in the kitchen? Your coworkers know that's not your job, but then again no one really knows what you do. They're going to ask you to clean up the spill so they can at least see proof that you do something.
While you're not interning to learn how to be a janitor (you may not be qualified for that position either), just keep your mouth shut and do what is asked of you. The only way to be given more responsibilities is to be a team player. In this case, you're less of a player and more of the water boy who hands out the towels on the sideline, but at least you're a part of the organization, so clean up those (literal) messes and stay in the game.
Finally, after an eternity of filing reports and cleaning up espresso mishaps, someone will eventually notice your hard work and take you under his or her wing. While this may look like your opportunity for a fun Lethal Weapon "veteran cop/rookie cop" learning experience, this is going to be more of a "veteran cop stomps on rookie cop" Training Day experience. You're in for some long, gritty hours learning about the business from a jaded insider's perspective.
But take comfort; making it through this tough initiation phase is how you're going to learn the most about this business and even more about yourself. Knowing how much crap you can endure without giving up will help when it comes to working real jobs, meeting deadlines, and achieving life goals. Success never happens without hardship, so if this internship is hard, try to remember it's going to benefit you later.
Just Do This
Internships are a humbling introduction to the world of real business. If you can navigate this minefield of corporate culture, you'll be prepared when it's your time to enter the actual job market. More importantly, you'll add some actual business experience to your featherlight résumé, which will help you get a job faster than your college GPA ever will. An internship is a challenging place to start if you're not used to being talked down to, but try to set your fragile ego aside and use the internship as an opportunity to eventually move a step up that very tall corporate ladder.
Interview
Perfect World
Your eye contact is confident and warm. Your laugh is sincere and genial. Your quip about the weather could fit in a Late Night monologue. You have a résumé full of impressive work experience. Now all you have to do is stick the landing with a firm handshake, and you'll get that employment gold medal. And the judges give it a perfect ten! Congratulations interviewee, you just got an adult job!
Get Real
At least, that's what you imagine when you practice your interview in the company's bathroom mirror before your meeting. If your reflection were handing out jobs, you'd certainly be starting on Monday. Unfortunately, a skeptical look is the only thing you're going to get from talking to yourself in the restroom, so before you do anything unforgivably weird, go back to the lobby and take a seat.
Believe it or not, nailing a big job interview has less to do with your education and prior experience and more to do with just convincing the HR department that you're not a murderer. Every little eccentric thing you do while in their office will count against your final score, and talking to yourself in the restroom is a pretty big red flag. So keep your fantasies to yourself before someone has to call the cops.
What Employers Are Judging You On
When it's finally time to greet the person who will interview you, it's essential to give a good handshake. It should be professional and self-assured, but that doesn't mean to go Muscle Beach and squeeze too hard. Your grandpa was right when he scared you into believing people will judge you on a weak handshake. Still, you don't need to put your potential employer in a cast just to convince him or her you're management material. Try to practice on your friends before the interview if you're not sure about your squeezable strength. Make an employer judge you based on your résumé, not your ability to dislocate fingers.
The interview seems to be going well, and the HR director is impressed with your previous work experience. Too bad you made most of it up so you could land this interview. Sure, "waiter at Applebee's" doesn't sound that remarkable when you're trying to land a real job, but neither does "guy who lied about being a restaurant manager" when your potential employers check your references. Nothing says "crazy person" quite like a pathological liar, so do yourself a favor and stick to the truth, as lame as it may be.
Well, either the HR manager finds your fresh-out-of-college eagerness adorable or the company must be short-staffed because it sounds like they could use you. Just don't blow it when you smile, shake her hand, and thank her by name for her time. Thank her by name ... name! Crap, what is her name? You don't remember because you've been focusing on the web of lies covering your résumé.
While it may not seem like a big deal, remembering someone's name can be the difference between a cushy, white-collar job and working in retail. Of course, when you're nervous, you can't remember everything, but blanking on an important person's name may be the cherry on top of your fairly suspicious behavior sundae. If you can't think of it, avoid calling attention to that fact. Just be overly exuberant in your farewell when you thank her for her time. That will keep her from noticing the incredible blunder you just committed.
Just Do This
Job interviews are tough. Don't make them harder by adding unnecessary stress to the situation. Remain calm, don't do anything strange, and stay on the side of the truth. Instead of lying about what you don't know, put the attention on everything you can do. Focus on putting your best foot forward instead of trying to keep it out of your mouth.
First Job
Perfect World
You got the college degree. You did the internship. And now you have your first job! A job that fits exactly within your field of study and sets you squarely on the path to the career you've always dreamed of. And with that fat weekly check, you'll be able to start paying off your student loan debt. This is what it feels like to follow your bliss.
Get Real
Aww, it's adorable you think your first job will actually apply to what you want to do with your life! Unless you majored in engineering or possess tangible skills that are, you know, actually useful in the workplace, get ready for a first job containing none of your interests. It may seem crazy to hear, but companies actually value the ability to format a spreadsheet more than the ability to recite eighteenth-century prose. Who would work in such an uncivilized office? You would, kind sir or madam, because you are in need of money.
No, your first job will not be your dream job. Your first job will be a job, and it will pay some money. And you should be grateful for that, because as of right now, you are not qualified for the awesome job you really want. You may have dreams of being the next Don Draper of the advertising world, but Don Draper didn't become Don Draper at twenty-two. He had to live a lot before that happened. Yeah, he's a fictional character, but you get the point.
And if you were a humanities major at a private university, you'd better be sitting down for this next part. There's a good chance your first job will be a regular Joe job. You might have to get a blue-collar, menial-labor position where you work with your hands instead of using your overeducated brain. (Let's hope you know how to make coffee.) Don't think you're better than this. This is the job you deserve at twenty-two, no matter how expensive your tuition was.
Who knows? Maybe you'll get lucky and find an entry-level position at a company that doesn't make you smell like a walking cappuccino. "Entry-level position" is the nice term for a job that no one wants but has to take because he or she has no skills or experience. It lives in the gray area just above "paid internship." You can proudly say you're not an intern and may even get to pay into your 401(k), but you're still doing everything an intern would do — making copies, answering phones, putting together packets. All thankless work, but necessary for a thriving business. You're a very small cog in the wheel, but hey, at least you're in the wheel. And the longer you can stay in the wheel, the more you can learn from the bigger cogs. You may have to get those bigger cogs coffee, but at least you're not that unimportant twentysomething barista who makes it.
Just Do This
Here's the paradox of getting your first job: if you don't have any experience, companies won't want to hire you. But for you to gain experience, a company has to hire you ... and that's when you have a catch-22 stroke. So take whatever job you can get. People who skip the soul-crushing "paying your dues" step in their careers don't appreciate how good they have it and therefore treat everyone below them like crap. Since you will start at the bottom rung, you'll learn key lessons about empathy, discipline, and drive that immediately successful people will never fully understand. So when you're Big Cog and order your coffee from Little Cog, you won't yell at him for the shortage of foam on your latte. You once were a little cog too and therefore are not an asshole.
And even if your first job sucks — like, realllllly sucks hard — it will still help you reach your second job. Your second job might not be your dream job either, but it will still help you reach your third job. And by that point, you just might be on the dream career path. But you have to start somewhere, so take down those lunch orders and do it with a smile.
Happy Hour
Perfect World
Work sucks. But man, those two-dollar pints and three-dollar well drinks across the street do not. From nine to five you may be an underpaid drone just waiting to die, but at the bar from five to seven, you're the wealthiest person in town and you're going to live forever! Loosen your necktie, grab your coworkers, and punch that clock right in its big, dumb corporate face. It's happy hour, baby, and you're never working again!
Get Real
Hey, as long as you're trying to get fired, you may as well send a photocopy of your ass to your boss too. It'll look just like the drinking you're about to do with your coworkers: not pretty. Your coworkers aren't your friends. They're just the people you tolerate when you're stuck at work. Many of your coworkers may be nice people, but if you don't trust them with your log-in credentials, you shouldn't be drinking around them. They're like a Mafia family dressed in office attire. Someone could be a rat. This is the wrong crowd to tell how you really feel about work, and if that's what you do when you start drinking, you should not be here.
Alcohol makes stupid people do stupid things, like talk shit in front of coworkers.
While your real friends will enjoy the subtle beauty of that joke you made about your boss, your coworkers will only remember the incriminating part — and will likely repeat it at the most inopportune moment. It's much safer to hide your biting, observational humor from the office and instead talk about that funny cat video one of your coworkers sent to everyone.
Or perhaps your misunderstood sense of humor will come off as charming and you'll finally convince your work crush that you're a datable human being! You never know until you try, but trust us — happy hour is not the time or place to make your move. For one thing, if your work crush isn't into you, you run the risk of getting gunned down in front of everyone. The only thing worse than having unrequited feelings for a work crush is having all your coworkers know you have unrequited feelings for a work crush. Happy hour can be a place for subtle flirting, but it is not a place to lay it all out. If you're feeling it, use this time to gauge interest and save your "A game" for a more private setting where you don't have to worry about the prying eyes of HR.
Just Do This
Work happy hours are the "Reply All" of social outings. Everyone is going to see whatever you put out there. As with all events involving coworkers, moderation is key. Stick to a strict one-drink limit, and excuse yourself once the glass is empty. And know your audience well enough to save any anti-work comments for those who can keep your confidence. Remember: the best happy hours are the hours you happily spend with your actual friends, whether they work with you or not.
The Hot Receptionist
Perfect World
You see her every day as you enter the office, flawlessly coiffed and postured in a swivel chair: the hot receptionist. When she's not answering the phone, she gives you a big smile that starts your day off right. When she is answering the phone, she still manages to give you a flirtatious wave as you pass and try to pretend like you weren't slowing down to allow her time to acknowledge you. Now it's lunch, you're making small talk with her, and you two are vibing like crazy. Better have the fire department on call, because these smoldering stares you're exchanging are about to set the office ablaze.
That's it. You can't endure the sexual tension anymore. Time to move this casual flirtation to the next level. It's time to ask her out. What's the harm in dating her? You're both young and like to have fun. There's nothing wrong with seeing a movie or grabbing some tacos after work. And if it goes somewhere, even better. You'd have a precious meet-cute story to tell your kids. Yep, asking her out could be the start of something wonderful.
Get Real
More likely, asking out the hot receptionist will be the start of something uncomfortable. She could just be nice to everyone, so you've misread her signals and she turns you down. If she does, it might sting at first, but be thankful for her rejection. The hot receptionist just saved you from the biggest land mine in the workplace: the office romance. Office romances are treacherous — so treacherous that HR has rules against them. Sure, it worked out for Jim and Pam from The Office, but even that took seven years and 187 episodes. But it could happen, yeah. Happily ever after and all that. But if it doesn't ...
If it doesn't work out, you will still have to see the hot receptionist every single day you go to work. Multiple times a day, probably. And it will be awkward. Even if your relationship ends amicably, it's still going to be awkward. And if it ends poorly? Forget it. You'll have to reroute your path to the bathroom just to avoid the lobby.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Adult Stuff by Robert Boesel, Matt Moore. Copyright © 2016 Robert Boesel and Matt Moore. Excerpted by permission of Sourcebooks, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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