America, But Better: The Canada Party Manifesto

by Chris Cannon, Brian Calvert

Overview

As the U.S. political arena increasingly resembles a production of CATS performed by actual cats, Americans are looking for a new leader. That leader is Canada. Yes, under the banner of the Canada Party, the entire country is running for president of the United States. Our campaign promises include:

The phrase "job creators" will be changed to "job creationists," and they will be given seven days to actually create some.

We will continue building oil pipelines, but they will carry maple syrup. If there's a spill, at least the animals will be tasty.

Guantanamo Bay will be closed and the inmates moved to the Arctic, where they can be legally snowboarded.

America, but Better combines the doctrine of American exceptionalism with a dose of Canadian humility and common sense. Ready to restore the nation to its former glory, the Canada Party will soon have Americans shouting:

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781771000628
Publisher:	Douglas & McIntyre Ltd.
Publication date:	08/04/2012
Pages:	176
Product dimensions:	4.90(w) x 7.70(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Chris Cannon is an American writer from Oklahoma living in Vancouver, B.C. He is the author of four books and hundreds of articles in magazines including Rolling Stone, Men’s Journal, and Billboard. A former U.S. Marine Corps sergeant, Chris served in the intelligence and counterterrorism fields as well as the Presidential honor guard. He spent two years on White House duty under Bush 1 and Clinton, marched in Clinton’s inauguration parade, and was a member of the Silent Drill Team. A graduate of Columbia University and the University of Chicago, Chris now teaches cultural criticism, satire, and magazine journalism at the University of British Columbia.

Years after earning a Masters’ degree studying tumor biology at the University of Saskatchewan, Brian M. Calvert began his second career focusing on comedic writing, acting and producing. The bulk of his earlier work was via collaborations with the online sketch comedy groups ChurchofJerks.com and VILLAGEiDiOT.ca, both of which he helped create. In total, he has written, acted, produced, directed or edited over 50 short films and 5 multi-media (live & video) stage shows. Brian was born and raised in Ontario, completing much of his schooling in Sarnia, border city to Port Huron, Michigan. He now lives in Vancouver.

Table of Contents

Outline:
Table of Contents Foreword from the English Empire Introduction
1. America and Canada: Continental BFFs
• MAP: How America Sees Canada
• MAP: How Canada Sees America
• Marrying Our Governments (After Verifying They Are Different Genders, of Course)
• Canadian Fashion: Our "Wear What You Kill" Policy
• Obesity: Big Thoughts on Big People
• The U.S. Constitution, Annotated
• Thoughts on Relieving America's Sexual Tension
• The Lucas Plan: Fixing America with CGI
• Combining Our Cities: Welcome to Van Francisco, Dirty Hippie Capitol of the World!
• Understanding Hockey, from the Country That Gave You Football and Basketball (True Story)
• Star Track: We Gave You Shatner, You Gave Us Bacula. Do the Math.

2. It's a Small World (Unless You're, Like, an Amoeba or Something)
• American Exceptionalism, or How to Make Other Countries Feel Bad About Their Bodies
• Killing with Kindness, Torturing with Tenderness
• Weaponizing Politeness: Fight Like a Canadian!
• The United Nations and Other Global Oxymorons
• Showing Nature Who's Boss
• Repelling Immigrants from Your Southern Border (We Have Experience)
• How to Dodge the Draft Without Bringing Your Neighbors Into It
• A Simple Solution for Integrating Our Indigenous Peoples (Just Kidding -We Have No Idea)
• Un-American Idol: How Reality Shows Can Stop Illegal Immigration

3. The Irony of Being Ironic in a Post-Ironic Age
• Making English the Official Language for Native English Speakers
• DisneyCorps: Why We Should Turn FOX News over to Michael Bay
• Living in Fear: Lessons from Godly Folk
• Gun Control: How to Aim Properly
• Cults of Personality, or Cults of the Lack Thereof
• Rewriting U.S. Law (Citizens United: What Else Can Be People?)
• The Internet: Why Are We Trying to Regulate Porn?
• The Metric System: Exactly Ten Times More Awesome than Imperial Units
• How to Say You're Sorry Without Looking Like a Total Pussy

4. Treating Experts Like Mammals: An Ideological Throwdown!
• Science vs Religion (Spoiler: Science Wins in Overtime!)
• Grampa Lost His Shins in the Big One: Our Statute of Limitations on Living Off Other Peoples' Sacrifices.
• Consuming Our Future: Some Tasty, Post-Apocalypse Recipes
• It's Not Easy Being Greenpeace
• What To Do With "The Gays"
• Health Care: A 10-Part Dental Plan for Hockey Players
• Weed. Sweet, Sweet Weed.
• Crime and Punishment, and Then Crime Again
• Combining Our Icons (Introducing the Eagle Beaver!)
• Notes on the American Dream, from the Country You Kick in Your Sleep

5. Appendices
• Tear-out application forms for elected officials
• Mad-libs (How different media outlets get their news)

6. Sidebars
• Campaign promises sprinkled throughout the book
• Timeline of U.S. Canadian history
• U.S.-Canada comparison chart
• Quizzes at the end of each chapter

Editorial Reviews

Capitalizing on the success of their YouTube campaign promoting the fictional Canada Party, Cannon (100 Albums that Changed Popular Music) and Calvert bring their politicking to print in this breezy rundown of their "platform," urging Americans to ignore traditional candidates and embrace Canada—yes, the country—as the best candidate for the President of the United States. Tongues firmly in cheek, the duo offer creative resolutions to a slew of hot-topic issues like healthcare (implement "a flat tax on cosmetic medical procedures"), illegal aliens (create a reality show about them), and NASA (include a "perennial spring-breaker" on every mission and film them asking, "Where all the green women at?"). Though it's not meant to offer legitimate solutions to the nation's problems, the authors use humor to map the glaringly wide—and ever-expanding—divide between American Democrats and Republicans, and when the duo strike a soft spot, such as America's overestimation of its cultural and global importance, their bite is on par with that of the Daily Show, Steven Colbert, and Bill Maher. But when they rest on easy stereotypes, the book falls flat, sounding more like a humor piece in Reader's Digest than something with real teeth. (Aug.)

Publishers Weekly

America, But Better is a beguiling little bagatelle in a dispiriting political year, and Chris Cannon and Brian Calvert are to be thanked for adding maybe the only dash of humour to the entire proceedings,… So as we prepare for two national conventions in which nothing will happen and three presidential debates in which no minds will be changed, maybe we should junk the whole thing and take a few pages from the Canada Party manifesto”—David M. Shribman, executive editor of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, in The Globe and Mail

From the Publisher