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Chapter 1 (Excerpt)
By the time we've reached midlife, we have a greater perspective on our lives. The usual ups and downs of daily existence tend not to rattle us as much, simply because we've been through much of this before. Overall, there's a greater sense of equanimity.
We can see the vast changes that have taken place for gay people over the past 30 years, and that perspective enables us to appreciate our own contributions to this ongoing social revolution. Although we have a personal stake in this history, by midlife we usually have had enough experience to understand that gay liberation doesn't happen all at once -- both personal and social progress in overcoming homophobia is incremental.
Kevin (Kevin is 41 and Irish-American. He loves music and cooking. He's a long-term survivor of HIV and has a partner of many years. They don't live together, and he prefers it that way): "I've developed over the years the ability to see the big picture -- things and people in their context. I have a greater appreciation for history and my minute place in it. I can take the bad with the good in stride. I have more understanding and humility at this age than I did when I was younger. Experience and reflection have led me to a point where I just think about things more complexly."
Brian (Brian is 50, from an Anglo-Scottish background. He just fathered a child. He has worked for the Peace Corps, as an alternative school teacher, and as a psychotherapist): "Midlife gives us the best perspective we're ever going to get on life. It's the time of life when we know a lot, we've gained some power in the world, and we can see life from horizon to horizon. We can see and hold and appreciate our whole life in a way that we can't do at the beginning or at the end. And we still have physical energy and the strength and health to enjoy it. Midlife is a very busy time, because I've accumulated all these friends and interests and desires. I still have energy, but there's a gradual realization that there's not enough time left to do everything I want."
Randy (Randy is 50 and African-American. He worked for 17 years for a large corporation and recently took a severance package to explore, travel, and figure out what he'd like to do when he gets back): "At midlife I feel that I make more informed choices about what kinds of jobs and relationships I want to be in. I feel more mature; I have a track record; I know what kind of person I am -- what I'm good at and what I'm not, with fewer illusions than when I was younger. I'm much clearer about what I value. I'm also aware of limits -- you can't have it all, so choose what you can have and go for it."
By the time we reach midlife, earlier anxieties begin to fade. We have managed to survive a lot of disappointments as well as reap the benefits of decades of work and training. Even if we're still struggling with relationship issues, we've usually come out to friends and family, and experienced both disappointment and success. We generally feel much more accepting of our sexual orientation and our identity as gay men.
Steve (Steve is 44 and Asian-American. He works as a medical researcher): "I have the satisfaction of achievement, what I've already accomplished. I have less anxiety and fewer inhibitions. I never thought when I was young that I could speak in public without being completely anxious, but now I do that all the time. As I feel more comfortable with myself, I'm collaborating more with others. I'm also enjoying life -- I don't have to always be productive. I don't feel the need to change as much or to push myself. I spend more on leisure time. I don't have to please everyone, because I don't care as much what other people think."
Kevin: "I'm actually happier than I've ever been. I feel secure in my work, so my midlife is relatively worry-free. I like and trust myself. I feel much less vulnerable and anxious than I did when I was younger. By now I feel reasonably confident that I can do life. I've had enough difficult and anguishing experiences and survived them, so I don't feel as afraid of the world. I trust my feelings and perceptions, and I'm comfortable expressing them."
Tony (Tony is 43 and Sicilian-American. He had a lover of 14 years who died of AIDS four years ago. At 41 he went back to school to become a physician's assistant. He coparents his nine-year-old son with a lesbian couple): "I have more of a sense of my own self-worth now than I used to. Through therapy and support groups, I've learned how to be honest with myself and accept myself. I'm better able to acknowledge my strong points, and I have a greater sense of fulfillment. This has grown by setting goals and achieving them, and by developing skills I didn't have as a younger person. Also, by having long-term nurturing relationships with my lover, my family, and my friends, I know others can love me over a long period of time, and this allows me to be less hard on myself."
Hal (Hal is 37, from a German and Irish background. He has worked as a chef and a carpenter, and he now runs a personal growth seminar): "I feel more comfortable with who I am. There's a definite change in my level of confidence. My perspective is broader, and I have a greater acceptance of different kinds of people. I've been through enough process and change that I've learned that I just have to kick back and let it go."
As younger men, we feel the sky's the limit. Early success can lead to the belief that anything is possible. Of course, the flip side of being the greatest is being nothing at all! In the face of major disappointments, younger men are often more vulnerable to self-deprecation, instead of simply becoming more realistic.
At midlife we have more experience with success and disappointment. Reality teaches us that our initial inspiration has to be followed up with hard work if we are to get anywhere. By midlife we've usually seen some results, even though they are often more modest than what we had initially imagined. If we can recognize and appreciate what we actually have accomplished (rather than comparing our achievements with grandiose fantasies), we'll be less susceptible to tempestuous swings in self-judgment. Overall, we generally have more emotional resilience in the face of setbacks and disappointments. < p>
Kevin: "My life has basically been on more of an even keel than ever before. My self-esteem fluctuated so painfully until 35. Now I feel like I'm off the roller coaster. I also recognize that trauma could overwhelm me, but on a daily basis, my mood is much more even. I don't miss the ups and downs."
Antoine: "I don't dream as much about what I can do, or what's going to happen, or something being a success -- like writing this screenplay; I just work on it, and that's it. I don't think, Oh, it's going to be wonderful, or so-and-so is going to star in it. I just want it to be a tight, well-written mystery, with legitimate suspects and no holes in the story. As long as it's something I can be proud of, that's fine. If it doesn't go anywhere, at least I know it was a tight script."
Brian: "My goals are more modest; I'm more satisfied with an ordinary life. In junior high I wanted to be president. I went to Yale Law School the year behind Bill Clinton. In my 30s, from time to time I regretted my decision to drop out of law school and join the Peace Corps. This usually happened when I was feeling vulnerable and unsure of myself. But I haven't felt that way in years, and I think that's a reflection of being more satisfied with my actual choices."
Hal: "I don't get too grandiose anyway, but putting myself down has decreased. Success or failure doesn't mean anything about me; it's just part of the process. But I still have a difficult time with finances. If I don't have enough money, I get down on myself."
Steve: "Work feels less vulnerable because I've already achieved something, so I don't feel so discouraged when I make a mistake or encounter a disappointment. However, I still feel pretty vulnerable to rejection in relationships.
"I no longer assume that I'll be great. I made a few bricks we can use in building this wall, or cobblestones for the road. I can still entertain the fantasies, but now I see them as a pleasant daydream, instead of getting caught up in them. At midlife the infinite, numinous things become more concrete -- like a gas cloud that becomes a planet. In youth I wanted to be a star. By midlife I'm satisfied being a planet -- or maybe just an asteroid."
c1998 by Alyson Publications Inc. Protected by all applicable laws. May not be reproduced in any manner without the express written permission of the publisher.
