Table of Contents
Introduction Football, in Spite of Itself xiii
Prologue Respite 1
Chapter 1 The Super Bowl Without Jock Straps 13
Chapter 2 The Monkey's Ass 23
Chapter 3 Nuggets 35
Chapter 4 "Tom Brady Here" 54
Chapter 5 "Beware the Pissed Off Pretty Boy" 68
Chapter 6 Garish Fist Ornaments 82
Chapter 7 Ballghazi 90
Chapter 8 Cheater 99
Chapter 9 No One Buys Tickets to Watch a Morality Play 107
Chapter 10 Dings? 118
Chapter 11 Whuppings 126
Chapter 12 "We Pay Him Damn Well to be Neutral" 139
Chapter 13 No Broke Dicks 151
Chapter 14 Roger and Me 168
Chapter 15 The Big Splat 185
Chapter 16 Immortality Gets Old 205
Chapter 17 "Start Blow-Drying Teddy Koppel's Hair 'Cause This One's Done" 215
Chapter 18 American Carnage 225
Chapter 19 Patriotism 235
Chapter 20 Cheesehead Elegy 247
Chapter 21 "We Don't Want You in Los Angeles" 256
Chapter 22 "I'm Drunk, I'm Stupid, I'm a Pats Fan," the Man Told Police 264
Chapter 23 The TV Reporter in the Belichick Underwear 273
Chapter 24 Clocks and Sitcoms 285
Chapter 25 Turn-Ons 293
Chapter 26 This Man's Liver Belongs in Canton 303
Chapter 27 "Faith, Family, and Football … Probably Not in That Order" 310
Chapter 28 "We Need a Black Charlton Heston" 316
Chapter 29 Just Compartmentalize, Baby 332
Chapter 30 The Last Visit 337
Acknowledgments 351
Notes 355
Photograph Credits 359
Index 361