Brit Wit: The Perfect Riposte for Every Social Occasion

by Susie Jones

Overview

In politics, if you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.

Margaret Thatcher

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.

Rod Stewart

Ever been at a loss for words? Ever wished that the perfect wry remark or putdown would spring to mind?

The great, the good, the intellectual and the downright insulting can all be found in Brit Wit. With wonderful one-liners from such formidable figures as Churchill and Shakespeare to more recent luminaries of British stage, screen and society including Michael Caine, Victoria Wood and Eddie Izzard, Brit Wit celebrates all that makes Britain brilliant.

Product Details

BN ID:	2940000205631
Publisher:	Summersdale Publishers Ltd
Publication date:	09/09/2009
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
File size:	1 MB

About the Author

Susie Jones is a gift book author.

Read an Excerpt

Brit Wit

The Perfect Riposte for Every Social Occasion

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By Susie Jones, Ian Baker, Kath Walker

Summersdale Publishers Ltd

Copyright © 2015 Summersdale Publishers Ltd
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-78372-514-4

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CHAPTER 1

INSULTS

I fart in your general direction. FRENCH SOLDIER IN MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL

Your brain is like the four-headed man-eating haddock-fish beast of Aberdeen. It doesn't exist. EDMUND BLACKADDER IN BLACKADDER

* * *

What a tiresome affected sod. NOËL COWARD ON OSCAR WILDE

* * *

Unreconstructed wankers. TONY BLAIR ON THE SCOTTISH MEDIA

* * *

How tartly that gentleman looks! I never can see him but I am heart-burned an hour after. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

* * *

The haste of a fool is the slowest thing in the world. THOMAS SHADWELL

* * *

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand. BERTRAND RUSSELL

* * *

He is morally insensitive and aesthetically disgusting. GEORGE ORWELL ON RUDYARD KIPLING

* * *

O, she is the antidote to desire. WILLIAM CONGREVE

* * *

A man who looks like a sexually confused, ageing hairdresser: the Teasy Weasy of Fleet Street. RICHARD LITTLEJOHN ON PEREGRINE WORSTHORNE

* * *

He owes his celebrity merely to his antiquity. LORD BYRON ON GEOFFREY CHAUCER

* * *

Sir, you are like a pin, but without either its head or its point. DOUGLAS JERROLD

* * *

You look wise. Pray correct that error. CHARLES LAMB

He can't see a belt without hitting below it. MARGOT ASQUITH ON DAVID LLOYD GEORGE

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast. W. S. GILBERT

* * *

Of all the bulls that live, this hath the greatest ass's ears. QUEEN ELIZABETH I

* * *

You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come; Knock as you please, there's nobody at home. ALEXANDER POPE

* * *

Leonardo DiCaprio is patently the result of an unnatural act of passion between William Hague and the piglet from Babe.A. A. GILL

* * *

She is a peacock in everything but beauty. OSCAR WILDE

* * *

Like the British Constitution, she owes her success in practice to her inconsistencies in principle. THOMAS HARDY

He'd be out of his depth on a wet pavement. JOE O'SHEA

CHAPTER 2

RIPOSTES

A fly, sir, may sting a stately horse, and make him wince; but one is but an insect, and the other is a horse still. SAMUEL JOHNSON

God forgive you, but I never can. QUEEN ELIZABETH I TO THE COUNTESS OF NOTTINGHAM

* * *

Your wit's too hot, it speeds too fast, 'twill tire. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

* * *

One wit, like a knuckle ham in soup, gives a zest and flavour to the dish, but more than one serves only to spoil the pottage. TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT

* * *

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. DOUGLAS ADAMS

* * *

You may be as vicious about me as you please. You will only do me justice. RICHARD BURTON

CHAPTER 3

WORK AND MONEY

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. DOUGLAS ADAMS

He says it's a marvellous business ... In 30 years he's never had a customer ask for a refund. HAL ROACH ON AN UNCLE'S BUSINESS AS AN UNDERTAKER

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

* * *

If you can't get a job as a pianist in a brothel you become a royal reporter. MAX HASTINGS

* * *

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. SPIKE MILLIGAN

* * *

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. BERTRAND RUSSELL

* * *

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. JEROME K. JEROME

* * *

Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die. C. S. LEWIS

* * *

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. CHRISTOPHER HAMPTON

* * *

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. J. M. BARRIE

* * *

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me. JOHN CLEESE

* * *

Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. DOUGLAS ADAMS

* * *

Make lots of money. Enjoy the work. Operate within the law. Choose any two of three. JACK DEE

* * *

Idleness is only a coarse name for my infinite capacity for living in the present. CYRIL CONNOLLY

* * *

There are three ways of losing money: racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant, and farming the most certain. LORD AMHERST

* * *

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. ATTRIBUTED TO OSCAR WILDE

* * *

There's no money in poetry, but then there's no poetry in money, either. ROBERT GRAVES

* * *

The only thing I like about rich people is their money. NANCY ASTOR

* * *

The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill. PETER USTINOV

* * *

When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, 'It's in the script.' If he says, 'But what's my motivation?' I say, 'Your salary.' ALFRED HITCHCOCK

CHAPTER 4

ADVICE

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. DOUGLAS ADAMS

Never put a sock in a toaster. EDDIE IZZARD

* * *

Never stand so high upon a principle that you cannot lower it to suit the circumstances. WINSTON CHURCHILL

* * *

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. SPIKE MILLIGAN

* * *

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. TERRY PRATCHETT

* * *

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. SAKI

* * *

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper. QUENTIN CRISP

* * *

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. SPIKE MILLIGAN

* * *

I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. OSCAR WILDE

* * *

If you're going to make rubbish, be the best rubbish in it. RICHARD BURTON

I asked my doctor what I should do after having a pacemaker put in. He said, 'Keep paying your electricity bill.' ROGER MOORE

In university they don't tell you that the greater part of the law is learning to tolerate fools. DORIS LESSING

* * *

Success is a great deodorant. It takes away all your past smells. ELIZABETH TAYLOR

CHAPTER 5

POLITICS

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. WINSTON CHURCHILL

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. RONALD REAGAN

In war, you can only be killed once, but in politics, many times. WINSTON CHURCHILL

* * *

Politics are usually the executive expression of human immaturity. VERA BRITTAIN

* * *

Despotism tempered by assassination. LORD REITH ON THE BEST FORM OF GOVERNMENT

* * *

Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne. QUENTIN CRISP

* * *

We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over. ANEURIN BEVAN

* * *

Being an MP is the sort of job all working-class parents want for their children – clean, indoors and no heavy lifting. DIANE ABBOTT

* * *

The President is a cross-eyed Texan warmonger, unelected, inarticulate, who epitomises the arrogance of American foreign policy. BORIS JOHNSON ON GEORGE W. BUSH

* * *

Tony Blair is a mixture of Harry Houdini and a greased piglet. He is barely human in his elusiveness. Nailing Blair is like trying to pin jelly to a wall. BORIS JOHNSON

* * *

We started trying to set up a small anarchist community, but the people wouldn't obey the rules. ALAN BENNETT

* * *

We all know that Prime Ministers are wedded to the truth, but like other married couples they sometimes live apart. SAKI

* * *

The Labour Party has lost the last four elections. If they lose another, they get to keep the Liberal Party. CLIVE ANDERSON

* * *

If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they don't want to hear. GEORGE ORWELL

* * *

Politics is the enemy of the imagination. IAN MCEWAN

* * *

Democracy means government by the uneducated, while aristocracy means government by the badly educated. G. K. CHESTERTON

* * *

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman. MARGARET THATCHER

* * *

Politicians. Little tin gods on wheels. RUDYARD KIPLING

* * *

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity. BENJAMIN DISRAELI

* * *

A Foreign Secretary is forever poised between the cliché and the indiscretion. HAROLD MACMILLAN

* * *

Laws are generally found to be nets of such a texture as the little creep through, the great break through, and the middle-sized are alone entangled in. WILLIAM SHENSTONE

* * *

There is no art which one government sooner learns of another than that of draining money from the pockets of the people. ADAM SMITH

CHAPTER 6

SPORT

Sudden success in golf is like the sudden acquisition of wealth. It is apt to unsettle and deteriorate the character. P. G. WODEHOUSE

I became a great runner because if you're a kid in Leeds and your name is Sebastian you've got to become a great runner. SEBASTIAN COE

* * *

The only athletic sport I ever mastered was backgammon. DOUGLAS JERROLD

* * *

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint. BILLY CONNOLLY

* * *

When I first met him [David Beckham] I didn't know whether to shake his hand or lick his face. ROBBIE WILLIAMS

* * *

Oh God! If there be cricket in heaven let there also be rain. ALEC DOUGLAS-HOME

* * *

The Oxford rowing crew – eight minds with but a single thought, if that. MAX BEERBOHM

Watching Manchester City is probably the best laxative you can take. PHIL NEAL

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf. BERTRAND RUSSELL

* * *

That's great, tell him he's Pelé and get him back on. JOHN LAMBIE, PARTICK THISTLE MANAGER, WHEN TOLD A CONCUSSED STRIKER DID NOT KNOW WHO HE WAS

* * *

Golf, like measles, should be caught young. P. G. WODEHOUSE

* * *

Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

* * *

I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night. PETER USTINOV ON MONICA SELES

* * *

Michael Chang has all the fire and passion of a public service announcement, so much so that he makes Pete Sampras appear fascinating. ALF RAMSEY

* * *

It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May. DENNIS NORDEN

* * *

Rugby is a good occasion for keeping thirty bullies far from the centre of the city. ATTRIBUTED TO OSCAR WILDE

* * *

We've lost seven of our last eight matches. Only team that we've beaten was Western Samoa. Good job we didn't play the whole of Samoa. GARETH DAVIES ON THE WELSH RUGBY TEAM'S PERFORMANCE

* * *

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television. VICTORIA WOOD

* * *

I once jogged to the ashtray. WILL SELF WHEN ASKED BY THE IDLER IF HE HAD EVER HAD ANY ENCOUNTERS WITH SPORT AND EXERCISE

* * *

I tend to believe that cricket is the greatest thing that God ever created on earth ... certainly greater than sex, although sex isn't too bad either. HAROLD PINTER

CHAPTER 7

RELIGION AND BELIEFS

The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people. G. K. CHESTERTON

To the philosophical eye the vices of the clergy are far less dangerous than their virtues. EDWARD GIBBON

* * *

Heresy is another word for freedom of thought. GRAHAM GREENE

* * *

It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him. ARTHUR C. CLARKE

* * *

As the French say, there are three sexes – men, women and clergymen. REVD SYDNEY SMITH

* * *

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. JOHN BUCHAN

* * *

There is not in the universe a more ridiculous, nor a more contemptible animal, than a proud clergyman. HENRY FIELDING

* * *

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move. DOUGLAS ADAMS

* * *

Astrology proves one scientific fact, and one only: there's one born every minute. PATRICK MOORE

* * *

I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage. NOËL COWARD

* * *

What would I like the sermon to be about, vicar? I would like it to be about ten minutes. ARTHUR WELLESLEY

* * *

We have not lost faith, but we have transferred it from God to the Medical profession. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

* * *

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it. G. K. CHESTERTON

* * *

We make guilty of our disasters the sun, the moon, and the stars: as if we were villains by necessity; fools by heavenly compulsion. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

* * *

The New Testament is basically about what happened when God got religion. TERRY PRATCHETT

* * *

People are too apt to treat God as if he were a minor royalty. HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE

For Catholics, death is a promotion. BOB FOSSE

* * *

Man is made to adore and to obey: but if you will not command him, if you give him nothing to worship, he will fashion his own divinities, and find a chieftain in his own passions. BENJAMIN DISRAELI

* * *

For what a man would like to be true, that he more readily believes. FRANCIS BACON

* * *

Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines. BERTRAND RUSSELL

* * *

Religion to me has always been the wound, not the bandage. DENNIS POTTER

* * *

An honest God's the noblest work of man. SAMUEL BUTLER

* * *

The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators. THOMAS BABINGTON MACAULAY

CHAPTER 8

VICES AND VIRTUES

The unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones. W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM

I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs ... like customs officers. JACK DEE

* * *

I have often wished I had time to cultivate modesty. But I am too busy thinking about myself. EDITH SITWELL

* * *

If one sticks too rigidly to one's principles, one would hardly see anybody. AGATHA CHRISTIE

* * *

I'm not against the police, I'm just afraid of them. ALFRED HITCHCOCK

* * *

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. OSCAR WILDE

* * *

Minds, like bodies, will often fall into a pimpled, ill-conditioned state from mere excess of comfort. CHARLES DICKENS

* * *

Follow your inclinations with due regard to the policeman round the corner. W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM

* * *

No one gossips about other people's secret virtues. BERTRAND RUSSELL

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Brit Wit by Susie Jones, Ian Baker, Kath Walker. Copyright © 2015 Summersdale Publishers Ltd. Excerpted by permission of Summersdale Publishers Ltd.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Editor's Note,
Quotes and Quotations,
Insults,
Ripostes,
Work and Money,
Advice,
Politics,
Sport,
Religion and Beliefs,
Vices and Virtues,
Writing, Publishing and Media,
England and the English,
Countryside and the City,
Old Age,
Science and Technology,
Youth and Education,
Eating and Drinking,
Love, Marriage and Sex,
Families and Friends,
Culture,
Life,
Death,