Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You

by Amy J. L. Baker PhD, Paul R Fine LCSW

Overview

Protect your child from alienation and loyalty conflicts.

During and after a difficult divorce, it’s easy for your relationship with your kids to become strained—especially if you are dealing with a toxic ex who bad-mouths you in front of your children, accuses you of being a bad parent, and even attempts to “replace” you with a new partner in your children’s lives. Your children may become confused, conflicted, angry, anxious, or depressed—and you may feel powerless. But there is help.
 
In this guide, you’ll discover a positive parenting approach to dealing with a hostile ex-spouse. You'll learn the best ways to protect your children from painful loyalty conflicts, how to avoid parental alienation syndrome, and techniques for talking to your children in a way that fosters honesty and trust. Co-parenting with a toxic ex can be challenging, but with the right tools you can protect your kids and make your relationship with them stronger than ever.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781608829583
Publisher:	New Harbinger Publications
Publication date:	05/01/2014
Pages:	224
Sales rank:	340,866
Product dimensions:	5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Amy J. L. Baker, PhD, is a national expert on parental alienation and has written a seminal book on the topic, Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome, published by W. W. Norton & Company. In addition to conducting trainings around the country for parents as well as legal and mental health professionals, Baker has written dozens of scholarly articles on topics related to parent/child relationships and has appeared on national TV, including Good Morning America, CNN, and The Joy Behar Show. She has been quoted in The New York Times and U.S. News & World Report, among other print media outlets. Baker graduated from Barnard College, summa cum laude and Phi Beta Kappa. She has a PhD in human development from Teachers College, Columbia University.



Paul R. Fine, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist in practice at a community mental health center in northern New Jersey. He has over 25 years’ experience working with diverse populations. His practice includes an eclectic and humanistic approach to problems faced by individuals and families.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments vii

Introduction 1

1 Causes and Consequences of Loyalty Conflicts in Families of Divorce 5

2 How Co-parents Create Loyalty Conflicts and How Children Respond 23

3 Core Concepts of Positive Parenting 47

4 Deepening Your Bond and Reducing Conflict with Your Child 59

5 When Your Ex Is Sending Poisonous Messages About You 83

6 When Your Ex Is Interfering with Contact and Communication 107

7 When Your Ex Is Erasing and Replacing You 131

8 When Your Ex Is Encouraging Your Child to B etray Your Trust 153

9 When Your Ex Is Undermining Your Authority and Fostering Dependency in Your Child 175

Final Words 195

References 197

Interviews

Baker and Fine live in New Jersey.

Editorial Reviews

02/17/2014
Parenting expert Baker (Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome) and psychotherapist Fine have created a workbook specifically for divorced co-parents who sense they are losing the battle for their children’s love, loyalty, and respect. The book features tools, strategies, written exercises, and dialogues designed to help reduce the ex’s negative influence and “delay, if not prevent” a child from choosing one parent over another. This guide helps co-parents recognize and understand the signs and symptoms of loyalty struggles and their insidious effects, while offering remedies based in positive and mindful parenting to help fashion a safe and loving environment. The authors suggest the familiar protocol of positive parenting as a way to strengthen the parent-child bond, and, when coupled with mindfulness techniques for personal awareness, this protocol can help unhappy, stressed parents handle the animosity and negative influence of their ex. Like a guerilla manual, the book arms co-parents with tools for coping with a variety of scenarios, including when the ex is sending poisonous messages, interfering with contact and communication, “erasing and replacing,” encouraging the child to betray confidences and trust, or undermining the co-parent’s authority. Genuinely helpful, this guide tackles a sensitive problem and shows how to diffuse it with accepted and proven psychotherapeutic practices. (May)

Publishers Weekly

In recent years, the study of parental alienation has become an enormously complex topic addressed in hundreds of books, scholarly chapters, and papers in academic journals. A parent who finds herself or himself alienated from a previously loving child may quickly feel overwhelmed by the vast amount of professional and amateur advice that is available. Amy J. L. Baker and Paul R. Fine have found a way to help alienated parents quickly—by focusing on five specific strategies by which a former spouse may cause parental alienation.”
—William Bernet, MD, professor emeritus at Vanderbilt University School of Medicine, Nashville, TN


“This book provides the reader with much needed support as well as specific and helpful advice about how to parent a child who is involved in his parent’s conflict. Every child deserves to love and be loved by both parents, and this book will help targeted parents achieve that goal.”
—Jason Patric, actor, targeted father, and founder of Stand Up for Gus


“Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex is an excellent book for any parent dealing with a high-conflict co-parent in a separation or divorce. Baker and Fine accurately describe the hidden patterns of manipulation by a toxic ex that can lead to an alienated child—one who wants to avoid the other parent. Most important, they teach what to do and what not to do to protect a healthy parent-child relationship for the other parent regardless of these manipulations. This is a minefield and they provide supportive strategies and numerous tips for a reasonable parent to use—including how to avoid getting angry, giving up, or giving in.”
—Bill Eddy, lawyer, therapist, and author of Don’t Alienate the Kids!: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce (www.HighConflictInstitute.com)


“While Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex is technically not classified as a workbook, divorce is work, and often becomes a full time job. Amy J. L. Baker and Paul R. Fine have developed a chapter-by-chapter playbook for parents in any stage of divorce. The book encourages parents to bring strong parenting skills to the table while trying to create a solid foundation for the identity, growth, and maturity of their children. This dynamic duo does it again for so many parents struggling to find their way through the maze of co-parenting after divorce. Bravo!”
—Jill Egizii, president of the Parental Alienation Awareness Organization, USA


"Parenting expert Baker (Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome) and psychotherapist Fine have created a workbook specifically for divorced co-parents who sense they are losing the battle for their children’s love, loyalty, and respect. The book features tools, strategies, written exercises, and dialogues designed to help reduce the ex’s negative influence and 'delay, if not prevent' a child from choosing one parent over another. This guide helps co-parents recognize and understand the signs and symptoms of loyalty struggles and their insidious effects, while offering remedies based in positive and mindful parenting to help fashion a safe and loving environment. The authors suggest the familiar protocol of positive parenting as a way to strengthen the parent-child bond, and, when coupled with mindfulness techniques for personal awareness, this protocol can help unhappy, stressed parents handle the animosity and negative influence of their ex. Like a guerilla manual, the book arms co-parents with tools for coping with a variety of scenarios, including when the ex is sending poisonous messages, interfering with contact and communication, 'erasing and replacing,' encouraging the child to betray confidences and trust, or undermining the co-parent’s authority. Genuinely helpful, this guide tackles a sensitive problem and shows how to diffuse it with accepted and proven psychotherapeutic practices."
—Publishers Weekly

From the Publisher