Conflict Communication: A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

by Rory Miller, Gregory Postal M.D. (Foreword by)

Overview

Conflict happens everywhere: at work, with friends and family, among strangers, and certainly in violence. Why did your boss ignore a suggestion that could save millions of dollars? Why do you have the same argument again and again with your spouse? When someone insults you, why do you get angry? Why do bad guys beat up the weak?

You have three brains.

• Lizard brain (survival)
• Monkey brain (emotion / social status)
• Human brain (reason)

Each “brain” has a different priority and evolved to deal with different kinds of conflict. They work using different scripts and have a very clear seniority system.

Conflict Communication(ConCom) presents a functional taxonomy to see, understand, and manipulate the roots of life’s conflicts. You will have the background, the principles, and a collection of tricks to manage and ideally avoid dangerous conflicts.

No going back. After reading this book, you can never go back. Even if you reject everything in the program, even if you refuse to admit how often your monkey brain has controlled your life, escalations toward conflict will never again be invisible to you.

As the fortune cookie says, “Your life is about to change.”

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781594393310
Publisher:	YMAA Publication Center
Publication date:	06/01/2015
Pages:	186
Sales rank:	271,558
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Rory Miller is a writer and teacher living peacefully in the Pacific Northwest.

He has served for seventeen years in corrections as an officer and sergeant working maximum security, booking and mental health; leading a tactical team; and teaching subjects ranging from Defensive Tactics and Use of Force to First Aid and Crisis Communications with the Mentally Ill. For fourteen months he was an advisor to the Iraqi Corrections System working in Baghdad and Kurdish Sulaymaniyah. Somewhere in the midst of that he received a BS degree in Psychology; served in the National Guard as a Combat Medic (91A/B); earned college varsities in judo and fencing and received a mokuroku in jujutsu. He has drunk chichu with reformed cannibals and 18-year-old scotch with generals...and loves long sword fights on the beach.

Table of Contents

Foreword MAJ Gregory Postal vii

Foreword Jack Hoban xi

Introduction xiii

Section 1 Background 1

1.1 Sex and Violence 1

1.2 Why and Wherefore-Maslow 4

1.3 Why and Wherefore-Three Brains 8

1.4 Types of Conflict 14

Section 2 Fundamentals 21

2.1 Responses to Conflict Are Subconscious 22

2.2 Your Responses to Conflict Are Scripted 23

2.3 For the Good of the Group 26

2.4 Enforcing the Monkey Scripts 33

2.5 Using Your Human Brain 37

2.6 Staying at the Human Level 48

2.7 Hooks 58

2.8 The Monkey Problem 64

2.9 Group Dynamics 80

2.10 The Other Maslow Levels 94

Section 3 Tactics, Tools, Techniques 107

3.1 Coordinating Your Own Mind 107

3.2 Active Listening 109

3.3 The Tactical Apology 115

3.4 Rapport Building 117

3.5 Boundary Setting 122

3.6 Work from the Common Ground 127

3.7 The Power of Reputation 129

3.8 The Human Alpha 131

3.9 Manipulating Adrenaline 132

3.10 Brown M&M's and the Purple Rose 133

3.11 The Grand Recalibration 135

Appendix 1 Violence 137

Levels of Coercion 137

Appendix 2 Threat Assessment 145

Is This a Dangerous Relationship? 145

Is This a Dangerous Place? 149

Will This Situation Become Violent? 150

Am I Being Targeted for Violence? 153

Appendix 3 The Love Script 157

Afterword 159

Glossary 160

About the Course 163

Bibliography 164

Index 165

About the Author 167

Editorial Reviews

Like the Post-it® note, Conflict Communications is something you never knew you needed but cannot live without. The materials are straightforward and easy to apply, yet profoundly insightful. Once you begin to recognize the patterns that Miller describes within yourself and others it will forever change the way you interact. Armed with this new information I was able to resolve a longstanding deadlock on a $168M contract in less than two hours. It’s amazingly powerful and wholeheartedly recommended.

Lawrence Kane

…a priceless skill...

Jack Hoban

Should be mandatory reading…

Tony Blauer

Breaks out of the martial arts and law enforcement genre...

Jeffrey Cooper

Won’t just help your relationships, it just might save your life.

Alain B. Burrese

The standard by which others [writing] on the subject shall be judged.

Steve Perry

Concise, helpful, and well-organized, this is strongly recommended reading for those interested in learning to verbally de-escalate violence.

Foreword Reviews

A set of extremely effective tools for predicting, avoiding, and managing conflicts.

MAJ Gregory Postal

A manual of advice born of long experience with violence…Unpleasant but useful information, particularly for those who routinely come in contact with highly aggressive people.

From the Publisher

2015-04-24
A manual of advice born of long experience with violence.Miller (Violence: A Writer's Guide, 2013), spent 17 years as a correctional officer in Portland, Oregon, and has several books about violence and related topics to his credit. Here, he begins by postulating three types of brains. Two of them write the script for nearly all we do: the "lizard brain" operates at the survival level and dislikes change, because whatever it's done to date has at least kept it alive, and the easily offended "monkey brain" is emotional, reactive, and values status in a group. Only the "human brain," for those who learn to use it, can solve problems in a dispassionate fashion, Miller says. Generally, that's the brain that one wants to use—particularly if one works, as the author did, in the violent confines of a prison, where inmates usually use their monkey minds. In such an environment, showing respectful behavior toward inmates, speaking softly, and avoiding inflammatory verbal hooks help keep the peace. One should stay away from the potentially confrontational word "you," Miller says, as in "what are you looking at?" He advises to go instead for the softer "ya," as in "how ya doing?" When force is necessary, he says to make it impersonal, professional, and overwhelming—but no more than is needed. Miller has actual experience extracting violent, rampaging inmates from prison cells, as he spent 11 years as a Correctional Emergency Response Team member, and six as team leader. His book will be most engaging to people who have or are contemplating careers in law enforcement, corrections, or any other job involving close contact with the incarcerated or mentally unstable. Other readers may not need these techniques, but they will still learn how not to be an easy victim of violence. Miller writes in a conversational style, and not infrequently uses the authentic language of the streets and the prison block. However, he also has an unfortunate tendency toward flippancy, so readers hoping for critiques of the prison system or racial injustices in incarceration rates should look elsewhere.Unpleasant but useful information, particularly for those who routinely come in contact with highly aggressive people.

Kirkus Reviews