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Overview
An Intensely Practical Guide for Husbands Looking to Strengthen, Save, or Spice up Their Marriage
Most men don't know how to date their wives. They did it before, but they've forgotten how, or they're trying but it just doesn't seem to be working. Justin Buzzard helps men re-learn this all-important skill from a position of security in the gospel of grace. As a father of three boys and husband, Justin offers guys a helping hand, good news, and wise counsel, along with:
- 100 practical ideas for how to date your wife
- Action steps at the end of each chapter
- Personal stories and real-life examples
All types of marriages—good ones, mediocre ones, and bad ones—will experience a jumpstart as a result of hearing, believing, and living the message of Date Your Wife.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781433531385 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Crossway |
| Publication date: | 06/30/2012 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 160 |
| Sales rank: | 647,364 |
| File size: | 1 MB |
About the Author
Justin Buzzard (MDiv, Fuller Theological Seminary) is the founder and lead pastor of Garden City Church in Silicon Valley. Justin writes regularly at JustinBuzzard.net, speaks widely at conferences nationwide, and is part of the Acts 29 Church Planting Network. He is the author of many books, including Why Cities Matter. He lives in Silicon Valley with his wife, Taylor, and their three sons.
Justin Buzzard (MDiv, Fuller Theological Seminary) is the founder and lead pastor of Garden City Church in Silicon Valley. Justin writes regularly at JustinBuzzard.net, speaks widely at conferences nationwide, and is part of the Acts 29 Church Planting Network. He is the author of many books, including Why Cities Matter. He lives in Silicon Valley with his wife, Taylor, and their three sons.
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
HOW YOUR MARRIAGE STARTED
From as far back as I can remember I've thought about marriage. My daydreams and prayers have always been full of thoughts about "her."
Beginning at the age of four or five, my mom tucked me in at night with prayers that made mention of my future wife. We prayed for her protection and well-being. We didn't know who this little girl was or where she lived, but we asked God to arrange all the details for us to someday meet, marry, and build a family of our own.
Twenty years after these prayers started, I met "her," the woman of my dreams, at a party in Palo Alto, California. Seven months later I proposed. Three months after that we were married. Last week my bride of seven years gave birth to our third son, giving us three boys under age four. We've been busy.
My story is rare. Most men don't grow up with a mom who tucked them in at night breathing out sentences and prayers about the grand adventure of being a husband. But the rest of my story is not rare. Every man's marriage begins just like mine — with a date and a dream.
A DATE
Your marriage didn't start on your wedding day. Husband, your marriage started on your first date. During that first date with your bride, you began laying the foundation for the day you would say, "I do." You began laying the foundation your marriage stands upon today.
How long have you been married? How long ago was that first date? Think back to that day. Replay the memories in your mind. Most men don't realize that the concept of dating their wife is something they've already built into the foundation of their marriage.
My wife's name is Taylor. We met in a kitchen (I'll tell you that story later). Our first date happened six weeks later in a redwood forest.
I called Taylor on a Friday at 9:00 a.m. It was raining outside. I cleared my throat just before she answered the phone. I told her I wanted to take her out on a date. She asked, "When?" I said, "Now." I told Taylor I wanted to take her for a hike in the rain. She paused, stuttered, then asked if she could call me back in ten minutes.
Ten minutes later, Taylor called back and said yes. She lived in San Francisco and I lived in San Jose, so I had us meet halfway, in Palo Alto, the same city where we'd first met six weeks earlier. The image is burned into my mind of blonde Taylor in her blue jeans and pink button-down standing under the neon lights of the Stanford Theater on University Avenue waiting for me to arrive. I had never been so excited to be with a girl.
Taylor stepped into my Jeep and our first date began. I drove us up a winding road to a redwood forest in the Santa Cruz Mountains. We spent the next two hours strolling along a trail in the forest getting to know each other while a soft drizzle fell on our rain jackets. Eventually we found ourselves next to a fallen tree trunk covered in moss. We sat on the mossy log and kept talking. I didn't know it then, but six months later I would get down on one knee and propose to Taylor at this mossy log.
After the hike we stopped for soup and coffee. We discovered that five years earlier we had both vacationed with our families at the same hotel in Idaho during the last week of December, but our paths never crossed. I couldn't tell what Taylor was thinking about me. When I dropped Taylor off at her car, I handed her a book I had purposely brought along, Desiring God by John Piper. I pretended that the book just happened to be sitting on my backseat. I casually glanced back at the book, then handed it to Taylor, telling her I thought she'd like it because of how it related to many of the things we talked about during our walk in the woods. I told her that the book meant a lot to me. The real reason I gave her the book was so that, even if she didn't like me, she'd at least be obligated to see me one more time to give me back my book. It wasn't until after we were married that I learned Taylor drove home that day and told her roommate she believed I was the man she would marry.
That was our first date. I remember it like it happened yesterday.
What was your first date with your wife like? Think about it. Where were you? What did you do? What did you talk about? What did you learn? What were you feeling? What was she wearing? How did your date happen in the first place?
No first date is exactly alike. Each of us has a different first date story. But we all have a story.
My dad's story is that he took my mom out for pizza in downtown Sacramento, then he took her out dancing. It was a blind date. They had never met before. The date worked.
My friend Campbell's story is that after months of friendship and hanging out, he finally got over his nerves, took his "friend" to a park on a moonlit night, gave her a rose, and told her he felt something more than friendship and wanted to start pursuing her.
What's your story?
My assumption is that all of our first date stories have one thing in common: we acted like men. We pursued our wives-to-be. We made the move. We initiated. We took a risk. We took the lead.
Husbands, this is important for us to remember. Throughout this book I'm calling you to do one thing. The action I want you to take is summed up in just three words: date your wife. This three-word action isn't something foreign, intimidating, or new — I'm asking us to do something we've already done, something we've already built into the foundation of our marriages — to date our wives.
Even if you haven't been on a bike in years, you still know how to ride one. It's the same with dating your wife. My aim is to get men back on the bike and to get us there in the best shape of our lives, exercising the best possible form.
A DREAM
Can you remember when you first began thinking about marriage? Most women can. Most men can't.
I've met women who had the flavor of their wedding cakes picked out when they were in preschool. My wife's not one of them. A child of divorce, she thought little of marriage — she was scared of marriage. She planned to pursue a career and put marriage off until her late thirties. That plan didn't work. Taylor was twenty-three on our wedding day.
I've met men who think a lot about women but seem to never think about "the woman," about marriage. That's not my story. I grew up looking at girls with one question in the front of my mind, "Could I marry her?" One girl passed the test.
Whether your story is more like my wife's or more like mine, the point is that you didn't approach your first date or your wedding day with a blank slate. You had thought about marriage before. Whether highly conscious or unconscious of it, you had ideas, feelings, and beliefs about marriage. You had a dream.
A dream is a collection of ideas, feelings, and beliefs about a particular topic. A dream is what drives a man. As a boy grows up, he gradually forms a dream for his future marriage. Some men are aware of this, some men are not. Some men form a healthy dream for marriage, some men do not. But every man approaches his first date and his wedding day driven by a dream.
What was your dream?
Some men dream about marrying a woman who will satisfy their every desire, preference, and need.
Some men form an antidream; they simply dream of a marriage that is not like their parents' marriage (or lack of marriage). Early on, they decide they want a wife who is not like Mom. They decide they want to be a man who is not like Dad.
Some men dream of a marriage that is conflict-free or not a lot of work.
Some men dream of a marriage that honors God and that is a lot of fun.
The dream that drove you to that first date, that drove you to the altar, is likely still driving your marriage today. That dream set the course, and is probably still setting the course, of your marriage. What was, what is, that dream?
If we are going to be men who date our wives, we must uncover the dream that drives us. The way to uncover something is to ask more questions.
Take a few minutes to think through these questions: What is the earliest memory of marriage that you can think of? How has that memory influenced you?
Who taught you about marriage? Who taught you about what it means to be a man and how that's different from what it means to be a woman? What did these teachers teach you?
What is the healthiest, happiest marriage you've ever seen? What made that marriage so attractive?
What is the most dysfunctional marriage you've ever seen? What made that marriage so unattractive?
What kind of a man was your dad? What kind of a relationship did you/do you have with him? If we were having coffee together, what would you tell me about what it was like growing up as his son?
What is your greatest fear for your marriage?
What is your greatest frustration with yourself, with your wife, and with your marriage?
What is your wife's greatest complaint about being married to you? What does she appreciate most about being married to you?
What is your greatest hope for your marriage? What do you really want to see happen in you, in your marriage, and in your life before you die? How's it going to happen?
You just deconstructed the dream that's been driving your marriage. Each answer to the questions above represents one piece of the dream that drives how you operate as a husband. All the pieces don't make complete sense yet. Right now we're staring at an engine that's been taken apart. The aim of this book is to make better sense of these different pieces, to do some cleanup work, and then to rebuild the engine to run better than before.
We are in this together. Don't read this book with only your marriage in mind. Let's keep in mind our neighbor down the street and our friend at work. Men, together we are jump-starting the modern marriage.
TAKE ACTION
1. Commit to praying that God would jump-start your marriage and the marriage of one other man you have regular contact with. Even if you're not a praying man, I suggest you get on your knees and pray right now.
2. Re-create your first date with your wife. It doesn't need to be exactly like your first date; just do whatever you can to relive that first date. Schedule this to happen within the next three weeks. Before the sun goes down tonight, put this date on your calendar and your wife's calendar.
3. Spend some more time looking at your answers to the questions above. Are there any important connections or themes you notice in your answers?
CHAPTER 2WHO INVENTED MARRIAGE, AND WHY?
My oldest son is named Crusoe, but from day one we've called him "Cru." We named him after Robinson Crusoe, the hero of Daniel Defoe's novel about a bad man who becomes a good man while shipwrecked on a remote island with his Bible, some guns, and a few supplies. In the story, God turns Crusoe into a new man as Crusoe reads his Bible with new eyes, finally discovering the love God gives to men who don't deserve it. Taylor and I spend a lot of time talking to Cru about where his name comes from and about the God who can remake him. Cru is starting to get it.
What Cru is not getting is marriage. Cru is four years old, and he remains dead set on marrying his mommy. I keep telling him how that would be disgusting, that his mom is already taken, and that when he is twenty-four his mom will be fifty and he will be more interested in premenopausal women. Cru doesn't care. He wants to marry Mommy.
Cru will grow out of this. In the meantime, I'm teaching him about how marriage was invented. This is where education about anything should start, at the beginning.
THE INVENTION
Have you ever thought about this? How would you tell a four-year-old the story of how marriage was invented? We know the stories about the lightbulb, the combustion engine, and the telephone — these inventions came from human hands after years of trial and error. Do we know the story about marriage?
In 1764 a man named Joe went for a walk in his field. After a long day working his farm, Joe needed to think. With the sun setting and his muscles aching, Joe walked west and again turned his thoughts towards his "idea." He'd been thinking about it for almost a year, though he hadn't told anybody. People wondered what Joe was working on; he now spent so much time doodling strange drawings, pacing his home, and taking these long walks in his field. Joe still wasn't sure if his idea would work, and he was afraid of what people would think. He didn't even have a name for his idea yet.
It had been long enough. Tomorrow, Joe decided, he would test out his idea. Joe marched home a determined man, his heart beating with fear and excitement. He barely slept that night. The next morning Joe quickly dressed himself in his best clothes and made his way to the village square where he knew he'd see "her."
There she was, standing near the butcher's shop — Jenny, the woman Joe couldn't stop thinking about. It was now or never. Joe approached Jenny. Jenny turned toward Joe. Joe got down on one knee, took Jenny by the hand, and asked if she would let him love her (and her alone) and if, in turn, she would love him back, sharing her love with no other man. Jenny looked confused and intrigued. Joe told Jenny that if she said yes to this, he thought it would work best if they lived together in the same house. He told her that this new relationship would be a big commitment, one that would last until death. Joe told Jenny he had invented some names for all this — that he'd like to call her "wife," that she could call him "husband," and that they could call their relationship "marriage." Joe said he was sure this would catch on, that once they tried it many other men and women from their village and beyond would want to try this out. Sweat poured down Joe's face, his eyes eager for Jenny's answer.
Jenny cried. This was the most beautiful idea she'd ever heard. She quickly said yes. Joe shouted a sound of happiness that was heard throughout the town square.
Within weeks, Joe and Jenny created a ceremony that marked the start of their marriage. They invited the whole village to attend. Jenny wore a white dress. They spoke their commitments to each other, "vows" they called them. They gave each other rings as gifts. They kissed, they danced, they went on a "honeymoon," and everyone celebrated. Before the end of the year, ten other men and ten other women decided to try out Joe's invention. Soon it was heard that in neighboring villages, and even far away in the city, other people were "getting married." Joe couldn't believe how well his invention had worked.
Marriage had a beginning. There was a time when marriage was not. But Joe didn't invent marriage. If marriage had been invented in 1764 by a guy named Joe, then marriage would deserve the esteem we give to other two-hundred-and-fifty-year-old inventions like the spinning wheel and bifocals — wonderful inventions, but not something you want to read a book about. A marriage is one of the few things we see every day that was not invented by humans.
Your marriage has a richer history than your first date, your boyhood dreams, and Joe's daring move back in 1764. The roots of your marriage run deep. Real deep.
THE LOOK
Do you remember the first time you looked at your wife? For some of us men, that first look changed the course of our lives. Did you know that the very first time a man looked at a woman, marriage happened?
I looked at Taylor and my life changed. I love this story. I don't have any other like it.
On an ordinary Friday night I drove to Palo Alto to hang out with Dave. First I stopped by James's house. James was throwing a party at his two-story bachelor pad, just down the street from Stanford. I planned to stay for a few minutes to say hi to James and a few other friends, then I'd spend the evening with my buddy Dave. I walked through the front door, made my way through the crowd, and entered the kitchen. Then it happened.
I stepped onto the linoleum floor. Ten feet in front of me stood this stunning blue-eyed, blonde-haired woman with the happiest smile I'd ever seen. I don't know if this makes sense, but she was so fun looking. She was so joyful, so energetic, so beautiful — like nothing I'd ever seen before. This was the first time the phrase "drop-dead gorgeous" made sense to me. There was something about this woman; I looked at her once and I couldn't stop. It was like a spell came over me. I didn't notice anything else in the room. Without thinking, I walked up and introduced myself to her. With a slight stutter, one she'd had since childhood and that still shows up now and then when she's nervous, she told me her name was "T — Ta — Taylor." Within minutes the spell deepened as I discovered Taylor's personality and her obvious love for Jesus. Immediately I called Dave. I told him I'd met a girl and that he and I wouldn't be hanging out that night. That first look at Taylor changed the trajectory of my life. It's the reason why I'm writing this book.
God invented this. God created a man. Then God created a woman. Then God "brought her to the man" (Gen. 2:22) and, with one look at the woman, the man fell in love.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Date Your Wife"
by .
Copyright © 2012 Justin Buzzard.
Excerpted by permission of Good News Publishers.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Foreword Tullian Tchividjian 9
Acknowledgments 13
Preface: Why You Should Read Want to Read This Book 15
Part 1 The Good
1 How Your Marriage Started 19
2 Who Invented Marriage, and Why? 27
Part 2 The Bad
3 Where Marriages Go Wrong, Part I: The Husband 37
4 Where Marriages Go Wrong, Part II: The Husband's Religion 45
5 Where Marriages Go Wrong, Part III: The Husband's Action 53
Part 3 The New
6 Where Marriages Go Right, Part I: The Husband 61
7 Where Marriages Go Right, Part II: The Husband's Gospel 69
8 Where Marriages Go Right, Part III: The Husband's Action 81
9 A New Dream for Your Marriage 91
10 How to Date Your Wife: Develop the Air War 99
11 How to Date Your Wife: Develop the Ground War 111
Part 4 The Perfect
12 Date Your Wife until Death Do You Part 121
Afterword Taylor Buzzard 129
Appendix 1 Date Your Wife: One Hundred Ideas 133
Appendix 2 Date Your Wife: A Message from a Ninety-Year-Old Husband Bob Mounce 141
Notes 143
General Index 149
Scripture Index 151
What People are Saying About This
“Finally, here is a book that will not make men feel guilty.”—Gary Chapman, author, The Five Love Languages
“For several years after retiring as a player in the NFL, I 'kept my helmet on', as my wife, Kim, would say. I only saw what I wanted to see and only heard what I wanted to hear about all that she was dealing with as the mother of our seven kids. Finally, I took the helmet off and learned how to really hear and see her. Had I only had this book ten years ago, we could have saved countless disagreements and discussions! It's a must for husbands who long to raise the communication and intimacy levels in their marriage.”—Mike Singletary, NFL Hall of Fame Linebacker
“Whether you’ve been married a few days or 50 years, Date Your Wife is well worth the read. Justin Buzzard shows us the first step to loving your wife isn’t to try harder—it’s to be empowered by the gospel. Date Your Wife gives you biblical advice and practical tips that will transform your marriage.”—Jim Daly, President, Focus on the Family
“Finally here is a book to put in a man’s hands that doesn’t tell him ten things to do to meet his wife’s needs. Instead, Date Your Wife gives men a whole new paradigm for marriage: a paradigm of grace, freeing men to approach life and their wife in a whole new way. Once men understand this, everything changes.”—Paul David Tripp, author, New Morning Mercies: A Daily Gospel Devotional
“This book is for every man who wants a lifelong romance with his wife. Surely that is God’s good will. It’s why we fully expect God’s blessing to be on this book. Date Your Wife could be how your romance is renewed for keeps.”—Ray and Jani Ortlund, President and Executive Vice President, Renewal Ministries
“I want every man I know to read this book. Date Your Wife has the power to emancipate men and liberate marriages.”—Mark Batterson, Lead Pastor, National Community Church, Washington, DC; author, Wild Goose Chase and Soulprint
“In this book, Justin has done wives a great service. After being pursued by a husband who’s promised to love them, many wives have found that their husbands are now busy pursuing other things—from the NFL to corporate business plans—and that his interests really lie elsewhere. Justin offers the practical help and encouragement that men need to live out the depth of the vows they’ve made. He does all of this in the milieu of God’s grace to us through Jesus Christ. So thankful for Justin and how the Lord will use this book in many lives!”—Elyse Fitzpatrick, coauthor, Worthy: Celebrating the Value of Women
“For a young, married man like myself, this is a much needed reminder! Date Your Wife encourages me to man up, trust Jesus, and love my wife well. I encourage all husbands to go grab a copy.”—Trip Lee, hip-hop artist; author, The Good Life;
“Don’t you dare think Date Your Wife is a ‘been there, done that’ book. It’s revealing, eye opening, and inspiring. It’s fresh. I am certain Date Your Wife will positively alter thousands of couple’s futures. As a husband for 38 years, I applaud Justin Buzzard’s work and I would put it in the hands of every man I could!”—Wayne Cordeiro, Senior Pastor, New Hope Christian Fellowship, Honolulu, Hawaii
“I need a book like this! I’m often in fits and starts trying to regularly date my wife, so I’m glad the Lord has given Justin Buzzard the vision and insight to write Date Your Wife for strugglers like me!”—Thabiti Anyabwile, Pastor, Anacostia River Church, Washington, DC; author, What Is a Healthy Church Member?
“Men, we desperately need this book, and our wives desperately need us to read it. This isn’t just a book about marriage, it’s a book about being a man who loves the gospel, lives the gospel, and leads his wife and children with the gospel. Married or single, young or old—if you’re a man—get this book, read this book, and then get a copy for every man you know.”—Burk Parsons, Senior Pastor, Saint Andrew’s Chapel, Sanford, Florida; Editor, Tabletalk
“I am thrilled about this book for several reasons, first of all, my brother, Justin, thoroughly gets the gospel of God’s grace, and it decorates every page of this book. Second, he’s intentional about loving his wife well, and, therefore, we need Justin’s tribe to increase exponentially. Third, his book is so incredibly practical. He’s left me without excuse! Last, Justin’s writing, heart, and wisdom make me so glad to know that Jesus is the spouse I always wanted, and that, by his grace, I can love my wife as he loves me. This book, like my brother, rocks!”—Scotty Smith, Pastor Emeritus, Christ Community Church, Franklin, Tennessee; Teacher in Residence, West End Community Church, Nashville, Tennessee
“I am a big fan of Justin Buzzard and this book. I champion any call for men to step out of passivity and dominate the things that matter most—Date Your Wife beckons me as a man to do just that. The primacy of being a great husband is undeniable in Scripture and I appreciate this gospel-centered, practical, and powerful resource to help us men step up in the most noble of all roles. I pray God uses Date Your Wife to call up a generation of men who are first and foremost great husbands. I can think of no greater gift to our children, our churches, and our cities than men whose wives are pursued well and have marriages that flourish and go the distance.”—John Wiley Bryson, Cofounder and Teaching Pastor, Fellowship Memphis, Memphis, Tennessee; Leadership Coach, Fellowship Associates
“Otis Redding sang ‘Try a little tenderness’ and some husbands want to—but don’t know how. Justin Buzzard gives sound theological and practical advice. If more husbands learn to date their wives and, through God’s grace, truly love them, many marriages will be saved.”—Marvin Olasky
“Justin reveals a gift for combining challenge with encouragement. In Date Your Wife, he manages to propose provocative and practical ideas without making me feel like a marriage dunce. So, I hereby confer to Justin the title of ‘Professor of Creative Marriage.’ May his students learn well!”—Greg Spencer, Professor of Communication Studies, Westmont College; author, Awakening the Quieter Virtues