Dead People Suck: A Guide for Survivors of the Newly Departed

by Laurie Kilmartin

Overview

An honest, irreverent, laugh-out-loud guide to coping with death and dying from Emmy-nominated writer and New York Times bestselling co-author of Sh*tty Mom Laurie Kilmartin.

Death is not for the faint of heart, and sometimes the best way to cope is through humor. No one knows this better than comedian Laurie Kilmartin. She made headlines by live-tweeting her father’s time in hospice and her grieving process after he passed, and channeled her experience into a comedy special, 45 Jokes About My Dead Dad. Dead People Suck is her hilarious guide to surviving (sometimes) death, dying, and grief without losing your mind.

If you are old and about to die, sick and about to die, or with a loved one who is about to pass away or who has passed away, there’s something for you. With chapters like “Are You An Old Man With Daughters? Please Shred Your Porn,” “If Cancer was an STD, It Would Be Cured By Now,” and “Unsubscribing Your Dead Parent from Tea Party Emails,” Laurie Kilmartin guides you through some of life’s most complicated moments with equal parts heart and sarcasm.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781635650006
Publisher:	Harmony/Rodale
Publication date:	02/13/2018
Pages:	208
Product dimensions:	5.60(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.80(d)

About the Author

Laurie Kilmartin is an Emmy-nominated writer for CONAN and the co-host of podcast The Jackie and Laurie Show. Her hour-long special, 45 Jokes About My Dead Dad, was named one of the Best Comedy Specials of 2016 by Decider, Paste, and Vulture. As a stand-up comedian, she has appeared on CONAN, Last Comic Standing, Jimmy Kimmel Live, and Comedy Central.

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INTRODUCTION
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Excerpted from "Dead People Suck"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Laurie Kilmartin.
Excerpted by permission of Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments vii

Author's Note viii

Introduction ix

The Dying Reader

Planning Your Own Death: Should You Sneak Out the Back Door Like Dowie? 2

Are You an Old Man with Daughters? Please Shred Your Porn 7

Are You Old and About to Die? A Comprehensive List of Things You Should Do First 10

If Cancer Was an STD, There Would Be a Cure by Now 12

Hospice

Hospice: A Medical Term That Means "Here, You Do It." 16

Get. There. Passwords 19

Home Hospice: Die Surrounded by Stuff You Meant to Take to Goodwill 22

When Oncologists Say, "Not the Results We Were Hoping For," They Mean "Bye-Bye" 25

If You've Given Birth, You Can Give Death 31

Help. I Just Saw My Father's Penis/Mother's Vagina 33

The Most Awkward Goodbye: Hospice Phone Call on Speaker 35

Who Are You, Bereft Stranger? 38

Morphine, Unregulated and in Your Refrigerator 40

Dying People Get Obsessed with Some Weird Shit 43

Shit Gets Real (Real Dead)

Never Leave Your Dying Loved One's Side Unless of Course It Is to Have Sex 48

Dying People Can Hear Every Word You Say 52

The Real Obit: He Died at Home, Surrounded by People Who Were on Their iPhones 54

My Loved one Just Died, Now What?

Don't Call the Mortuary Just Yet: The Case for Hanging Out with the Body Overnight 58

Your Parent Died before You Got to the Hospital, AKA One Final Attempt to Make You Feel Guilty 62

Your Long Dark Night of Old Testament-Style Lamentations 65

Bad News: Grief Is Not a Calorie Burner 68

The First Time You Tell a Telemarketer, "She Can't Come to the Phone Right Now Because She Is Dead." 72

Morternity Leave: You Deserve at Least Six Weeks Off After You Give Death 75

Celebrating Their Life

Cremation: Hire a Professional or DIY? 80

You Live in My Mom's Childhood Home, Mind If I Spread Her Ashes on Your Lawn? 83

For Lapsed Catholics Only: Yes, You Will Step Foot in That Church Again 88

Our Dad Was a Vet: Can We Ever Unfold This Flag? 91

Other People are Awful

The Main Reason Your Kid Is Crying Is He's Excited to Get Grandpa's iPad 96

When Famous People Die the Day Your Loved One Died (AKA No I'm Not Crying Because of Prince) 101

"I'm Sorry for Your Loss": The Aloha of Condolences 104

"Uh, My Mom Died When I Was 7": Things You Want to Say but Shouldn't to a Middle-Aged Friend Who Just Lost Her 79-Year-Old Mother 108

People Who Say, "Welcome to the Dead Dad Club" 111

The Only People Who Get Truly Upset When an 83-Year-Old Dies Are 82-Year-Olds 115

Death. Months Out

Reverse KonMari: When You Can't Throw Away Your Dead Parent's Crap 120

The Cemetery: Who Will Ignore Your Mother's Grave When You're Gone? 127

Selling the House: When Zillow Describes the Corner Where Your Mom Died as a Breakfast Nook 130

Open Letter to the New Owners of My Childhood Home 135

Sex with an Ex Because He Knew Your Dad (AKA Grief Bangs) 138

And Now, Your Future is Full of People Who Will Never Meet Your Mom 140

Teach Death: Rebuilding Your Dead Parent from the Pixel Up, with Videos, Photos, and Audio Recordings 143

Dead People Suck: Why Won't They Tell Us Definitively if There is an Afterlife? 147

Your Unending Rage

WTF-My Dad Is Dead and [fill in the blank, I like Dick Cheney] Is Still Alive? 152

Verb Tense: Changing "Is" to "Was" 154

Atheists: Prepare to Have Your Unfaith Tested 157

Facebook Keeps Putting Other People's Dead Parents in My Feed 161

Dear Silicon Valley, Could One of You Fucking Nerds Develop a Cure for Cancer Instead of Another Stupid App? 164

When the Wrong Parent Dies First 169

And Now the Fun Stuff

Unsubscribing Your Dead Parent from Tea Party E-mails 172

All Those Sex Acts You Would Never Try While Your Parents Were Still Alive? Time to Party 175

Tick Tock

Mortality Watch: Guess Who's Next? (Hint: You) 180

Undo Years of Bad Parenting with the Gift of the Unexpected Check 184

The Obituary: A Bad Time for Writer's Block 186

Seize Your Days 189

Editorial Reviews

Dead People Suck but this guide absolutely doesn’t. I’ve never read something so cynical that’s also so life-affirming.”
—Patton Oswalt, comedian and New York Times bestselling author of Silver Screen Fiend and Zombie Spaceship Wasteland

“I don’t know how Laure Kilmartin managed to make this book both heart-breaking and hilarious, but she did. It’s honest and uncomfortable and brilliantly useful.”
—Cynthia Sweeney, New York Times bestselling author of The Nest

"The comedian and Emmy-nominated writer for "Conan" narrates her hilarious and heartfelt how-tos for coping with grief." -New York Times Book Review

"[I]nfused with Kilmartin's wit and buoyed by personal stories. It's a mix of live readings and studio tracks. It's a tug at the heart strings, a cup of cold water in your face, and a lot of laughs." -Department of Tangents podcast

"Writing and performing this book must have been therapeutic for [Laurie] Kilmartin. It might be for you, too." -Providence Journal

From the Publisher