Emotional Advantage: Embracing All Your Feelings to Create a Life You Love
299
Emotional Advantage: Embracing All Your Feelings to Create a Life You Love
299eBook
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Overview
“Emotional Advantage is such an uplifting answer to our challenging times. In its pages, you will find encouragement, support, and new perspectives. Randy Taran offers an antidote to emotional overwhelm—a powerful way to discover how useful your emotions can be in guiding you towards your best life.”—Marci Shimoff, #1 NewYorkTimes bestselling author of HappyForNoReason and ChickenSoupfortheWoman’sSoul
Award-winning author, producer, and founder of Project Happiness, Randy Taran knows that every emotion, feeling, and mental state has the power to bring us back to our true essence, and that readers can use Emotional Advantage as a guide to get there.
In recent years, there has been an overwhelming interest in the science of happiness and positive psychology, and many books on the subject. There is a good reason for this: it is a core, universal human drive. And while happiness has opened the door for many to move forward, there is a burgeoning curiosity about the full range of human emotions, all of which factor into the human experience. What do we do when life does not go as planned?
Neuroscience reveals that to understand and utilize any emotion, we need to “name it to tame it.” It turns out that even negative emotions have something to offer, if we know how to learn from them. Have you ever woken up in a fog of feelings and felt directionless? Or maybe it was hard to pinpoint exactly what you were feeling, but it wasn’t where you wanted to be? What if we could actually use our feelings as a pathway to guide us back to our inner compass? What if, like alchemists, we had the tools to transform our emotions to take charge of creating our very best life? What if we could comprehend how even the most troublesome emotions are sending messages to alert, protect, and fuel us forward?
Emotional Advantage is that guide. It will show us how a new perspective on fear can move us to courage, how guilt can clarify our values, and how anger can help us create healthy boundaries.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781250200068 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | St. Martin's Publishing Group |
| Publication date: | 06/04/2019 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 299 |
| File size: | 6 MB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Happiness
Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
— Howard Thurman
What does the word "happiness" mean to you? Though we all want the same things — happiness, love, to live a meaningful life, to rise to our potential — there is no set formula; the path is different for each one of us. But one thing is sure: happiness is at the core. Our natural state is one of joy; we are here to feel alive. When we vibrate from a place of joy, we are attuned to who we really are. This allows life to open up to us and allows us to meet that energy in ways we might not have previously imagined.
I have come to see happiness as an umbrella that covers so many aspects of living life fully: it embraces joy, gratitude, compassion, connection, physical wellness, mental fitness, generosity, purpose, and even grace. It operates on every level: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. But what I love most about it is that it strengthens the inner resources that allow us to handle the full range of life ... including the tough stuff. Happiness does not mean that our problems magically disappear — it means that we are more able to deal with them. I want more of that in my life, and I want it in yours — that is why I started Project Happiness, and really that is why I'm writing this book.
We are all on a journey. Think of your body as a ship, a vessel that allows you to go wherever you choose to, as far as the eye can see. On this journey, you will have untold adventures that allow you to learn more about not only the places you travel to, but also about yourself, the capacities you know about and those that are getting ready to emerge. Storms may come up, and if you are not taking care of your boat, it could spring a leak, take on too much water, and, if things get too critical, get so heavy it could even sink. In the same way, the body itself has to be taken care of. The sea of negativity, if it fills up your boat, could become a threat to your body and mind.
Ships don't sink because of the water around them; ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don't let what's happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.
— Unknown
Just like a captain has daily protocols to keep her/his vessel shipshape, you can develop habits that will keep you afloat no matter if the seas are stormy or calm. You can also use these habits to intentionally check in with your vessel and plug up any leaks before they get dangerously large. You can learn to navigate the waves.
In this chapter, we'll look at the different types of happiness. We'll see what positive psychology tells us about happiness and well-being and how to change our brains to bring forward the best within ourselves. We'll explore the Seven Happiness Habits and simple practices to expand happiness in day-to-day life. Then we'll see how it is possible to thrive, even after trauma. Happiness is a journey, one of the most important ones we can ever take — let's get started!
What Is Happiness, Anyway?
First of all, having all the toys in the store, all the shoes in your closet, all the friends at the party does not determine your happiness. For happiness to last it cannot, does not, and will not come from outside sources. Well, maybe temporarily, but soon enough the thrill is gone. Happiness is, as the saying goes, an inside job. External validation does not last. Only we can really make ourselves happy.
Does that put you off; does it all seem like too much work? Actually, it involves no work at all — just a shift in perspective. We are all born to be happy — it is our true nature just as it is our birthright. That's right. You, like everyone, deserves happiness, and you can have it.
What we don't always realize is that so much of happiness depends not on what happens to you, but on how you interpret life's events. How you hold them. The story you tell yourself. If you have been a victim in your story, you can find out how to reframe it to underline what you have learned in the last phases, what you are doing now, and what you plan to do in the chapters to come.
We have more influence than we may know. Our thoughts and the beliefs they produce are like boomerangs — what we send out comes back to us. Have you noticed that when we release thoughts out into the world, the results of those thoughts often show up in our lives? When you have a bad day and send out angry thoughts, you usually get some angry responses in return. If you send out thoughts that life is pretty good, chances are that you are seeing evidence of that, too. But let's be clear. This is not about lying to yourself — it's about what you are choosing to bring to the forefront of your mind.
The good news is that we can train ourselves to activate what we want, just by giving our attention to it. What we focus on grows, so imagine purposely focusing on feeling good — that we have everything we need inside of us, that we are supported, that we are already loved, and that there is so much to be grateful for. We can reframe the challenging stuff (for example: I sprained my ankle. Reframe: If I hadn't sprained my ankle, I would not have paused long enough to see that I was ready to change jobs, friends, cities — you get the idea). When you choose to focus on all the good things here and on all the unknown gifts to come, you position your mind and your vibration to welcome them in.
By intentionally focusing on what you want (not what you have settled for, not what you feel stuck in right now), you create a strong intention to bring that into your life. By practicing visualizing and even happily feeling it happen, similar to what athletes do when preparing for a game, you light the fire to move forward in that direction.
So, back to the emotion of happiness. Some experience it from personal pleasures — the little things in life. Others would say it is in the unforgettable moments that take your breath away. Some see happiness as personal while others insist it involves the greater good. ... Happiness is best when it is shared. There are people who feel it's about igniting your emotions through passion; others might think it's about managing your mind and choosing a better attitude.
Could it be that different aspects of happiness arise at different times and under different circumstances? Your definition may very well change according to your age, stage, and situation. Pull out your journal now. Here is your first question.
* * *
JOURNAL CHALLENGE
In the left margin, write down "age 1–10," then beside it describe the moments of happiness that come to mind. Next, repeat below that for ages fifteen, twenty, twenty-five, and so on. Take a moment to reflect on how your most memorable moments of happiness have changed over time. Is there a thread that unites some of them, like the warmth of human connection, the majesty of nature, or the excitement of creativity? What clues do these memories give you for today?
* * *
Though happiness appears in special moments, we all want it to linger. One thing that has become clear is that for happiness to have a lasting quality, rather than being a momentary high, it has to be tied to longer-term meaning. The rush of pleasure from having an ice cream on a hot day is over quickly, but the warm connected feeling of doing something special for a friend lasts much longer.
Yet pleasure is an important part of it, too. The question is how much pleasure works best? Think of it as a banquet, filled with a huge variety of flavors. By trying the dishes for ourselves, we discover which ones make us feel good and which don't agree with us at all. If we don't sample any, we'll likely be hungry and may sense that something is missing, but if we binge on every option, we just end up feeling sick.
What about meaning? On one extreme, devoting 100 percent of our life to a singular source of meaning while denying laughter, play, or the beauty of the senses can produce a dry, ascetic, maybe even obsessive life. Yet, at the other end, having no meaning at all can make us feel empty, like we're just going through the motions, and for what?
Author and happiness expert Tal Ben-Shahar says it well: "Happiness lies at the intersection of pleasure and meaning." We need both. Pleasure motivates the journey, and meaning makes it worthwhile.
Three Types of Happiness
1. Hedonic happiness is all about increasing pleasure and decreasing pain. It is a temporary good feeling from getting or enjoying something new (new phone, shoes, job ...) that is outside of you and not necessarily in your control. If you get the new thing, you might be very happy, but you adapt quickly to having it (hedonic adaptation), and the pleasure doesn't last. If you don't get it, as it's outside of your control, you could be upset. If your happiness is tied to that "thing," where does it leave you?
2. Eudaemonic happiness involves being a mensch0— that is, a good-spirited person. The literal translation for "eu" is good, and "daemon" means spirit. There is a sense of personal fulfillment, being your authentic self, and drawing from your strengths. It is also explained as living well and doing well, and being loved by your family and friends. If you are living a meaningful life, you are feeling eudaemonia.
3. Chaironic happiness can occur even in difficult situations when you feel connected to something greater. For some that's found in the grandeur of nature, when you feel a sense of awe witnessing the power of the universe. This type of happiness can feel like a blessing in the midst of suffering, or can be experienced in spiritual or religious practice, meditation, or whatever evokes a feeling of profound communion.
These categories of happiness originated in the time of Aristotle. More recently, though, the word "happiness" has come under fire. In this culture, it's very easy to bash happiness and see it through the narrowest of lenses. There are those who equate it with living life through rose-colored glasses, replacing reality with wishful thinking, and pretending everything is "fine."
But let's clarify that living a happy life does not mean we are supposed to be upbeat all the time. A: that is impossible, and B: it would deny a whole aspect of experiencing the richness and reality of life. Happiness is not about experiencing a set of thrills or an endless pursuit of pleasure. Rather than chasing constant euphoria (a setup for disaster any way you look at it), what if we could see how restrictive that definition is and accept that real life is complex and kinda disruptive — it is designed that way to help us grow. Psychologist and author of Emotional Agility Susan David explains, "Research now shows that the radical acceptance of all of our emotions, even the difficult and messy ones, is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving, and true authentic happiness."
The more emotions we can work with, the better. In one study, 35,000 participants were measured on "emodiversity," the variety and abundance of their emotions. This took into account not only pleasant ones, like happiness, awe, and gratitude, but others, like sadness, anger, and worry. Results showed that "people high in 'emodiversity' [meaning they could express a diverse range of emotions] were less likely to be depressed than people high in positive emotion alone." Everyone at birth is given a spectrum of emotions. They are here for a reason, to help guide us through life.
Authentic happiness is about choosing intentional strategies to navigate the painful moments, as well as making the most of the pleasing ones. It is about looking for the good amid the challenges, such as appreciating the kindness of others while you are going through an unusually hard time (like a sudden loss, a transition, or a health crisis). While we can't necessarily change what life throws our way, we can influence how we view it. The Dalai Lama suggests that the feeling of being content or unhappy rarely depends on our absolute state, but on our perception of the situation.
The unhappy emotional states are more challenging; that's certain. But the problem is not those emotions themselves; it is opening to their lessons and having the mind-set and strategies to move through them. Happiness helps us gain access.
Positive Psychology
PERMA is a framework developed by Dr. Martin Seligman, widely known as the founder of Positive Psychology, to describe what it takes to live a flourishing life. See which aspects make you the happiest.
• P: There are proven ways to increase positive emotions, like gratitude, generosity, and mindfulness. What we intentionally focus our attention on will grow. But apart from putting our attention on appreciation and other good feelings, we can also choose to frame the events in our lives in a way that makes sense of where we have been and where we are going, a narrative that supports our goals. What actually happened to us is certainly important, but it is how we interpret those events that determines our happiness.
* * *
JOURNAL CHALLENGE
In your journal, give yourself some time to reflect on these questions: Are you the hero in your story, or the victim? What have you learned by facing the monsters along your journey? Rewrite the script to give yourself the strong lead.
* * *
• E: Engagement is another aspect of flourishing. How great is it to experience total immersion in an activity? Hours feel like minutes and you feel engaged for the love of what you're doing, not for any external reward. This "flow" experience can happen in many ways, from rock climbing to reading, from gardening to going on a run, to losing yourself in a creative project (writing, painting, music). It's unique for everyone. What is your favorite way to be 100 percent fully engaged?
• R: Relationships are another key to thriving. How you relate to others, the friendships you nurture, the camaraderie, laughter, and sense of closeness all contribute to a happy life. Even having one person (or furry friend) to be with makes all the difference. With self-reported feelings of loneliness now up to 40 percent of adults in the United States alone and loneliness increasing the odds of an early death by 26 percent, so many feel disconnected. We need to know we are here for one another.
• M: Having a sense of meaning and purpose also makes people happier. If you've ever asked "Why am I here?" you know the depth of this question. Meaning can be found through connecting with something greater, through the work you do, the people you connect with, or the cause you support. Some good questions to ask yourself are: "What makes me feel most alive? What touches my heart so deeply that I want to help?"
• A: The best type of accomplishment is putting your energy into something that is aligned with your values, something that sits well with you and makes you feel that you are making a difference. That's your "why." Chunking goals down to smaller tasks is often "how" to see them through. Working backward to chart the steps you'll need to take can give you the road map. Finally, rewarding yourself, or at least taking the time to savor the accomplishment (even small steps count) allows you to take it in. Otherwise, even with all the accomplishments, you will never have any satisfaction. Your focus will always be on the next goal, the next mountain to climb, which can lead to burnout. Instead, celebrate the little wins.
Training Your Brain
What would it be like if you could actually train your brain to be more positive? The good news is that you can.
We used to think that the brain never changed, but according to the neuroscientist Richard Davidson, we now know that this is not true — specific brain circuits grow stronger through regular practice, which is called neuroplasticity. He explains, "Well-being is fundamentally no different than learning to play the cello. If one practices the skills of well- being, one will get better at it." What this means is that you can actually train your brain to become more grateful, relaxed, or confident, by repeating experiences that evoke gratitude, relaxation, or confidence. Your brain is shaped by the thoughts you repeat. The more neurons fire as they are triggered by repeated thoughts and activities, the faster they develop into neural pathways, which cause lasting changes in the brain. Or in the words of Donald Hebb, "Neurons that fire together wire together." This is such an encouraging premise: bottom line — we can intentionally create the habits for the brain to be happier.
One of the easiest ways to do this is called "taking in the good." Neuropsychologist and author Rick Hanson explains how to get this positive neuroplasticity in motion. First of all, it is necessary to overcome the brain's built-in negativity bias. This evolved for a reason: the survival of the species. It was way more prudent for humans to focus on negative threats such as animals that could eat them for lunch than to be daydreaming about something frivolous. To stay alive, you had to be on guard. Today, we are not living under the same conditions, so always scanning the horizon for danger is like a being stuck in overdrive and burning out our engine.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Emotional Advantage"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Randy Taran.
Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Foreword vii
Introduction 1
Happiness 12
Sadness 48
Desire 72
Fear 94
Anxiety 125
Confidence 145
Anger 169
Tolerance, Acceptance, and Empathy 195
Guilt and Shame 216
Love 240
Conclusion 263
Acknowledgment 271
Notes 275
Selected Bibliography 287
Additional Resourced 291