Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby

by Deborah L. Davis

Overview

Grieving the death of a baby is a heart-wrenching journey. Whether your baby died during pregnancy, around birth, or in infancy, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart is a gentle guide that will accompany you. Full of information and practical suggestions, this book can help you 
 

• accept the variety and depth of your emotions;  
   
• find answers to questions such as “What’s normal?” and “Why me?”; 
   
• make sense of your grief and mourning;  
   
• cultivate mutual understanding with your partner; 
   
• tap into sources of support; and  
   
• adopt mindfulness-based coping strategies that can help you heal your heart. 
   

 
Most importantly, you’ll be comforted by the words of dozens of bereaved parents. By hearing from mothers and fathers who have walked this path, you can establish realistic expectations for grieving, find reassurance, and truly understand that you are not alone. 
 
This fourth edition has been completely revised and updated, with new information on the neuroscience of this experience plus other insights including 
 

• how your brain encodes your bond with your baby as everlasting; 
   
• grieving explained in terms of your brain redrawing its neural map;  
   
• how your brain tries to settle the dispute between your baby being gone, but also everlasting; 
   
• the various experiences of being in survival mode and thriving mode around your baby’s life and death;  
   
• how your brain processes and heals from traumatic bereavement; 
   
• the pitfalls and benefits of rumination;  
   
• the relationship skill of repair; and 
   
• reducing your distress with mindfulness practices and informal rituals.  
   

  
“When my tiny baby died during my pregnancy, I was plunged into a grief I did not understand, one that threatened to swallow me whole. Empty Cradle, Broken Heart was a lifeline. Now, a decade after I sat fresh in my grief, scribbling notes and dog-earing pages, Davis releases this latest edition. New stories join with the old, a chorus of bereaved parents’ voices rising strong. Davis matches their timbre with knowledge that is equal parts comforting and empowering. And while this latest edition reflects the modern evolution in how we collectively and inclusively approach pregnancy loss, Davis's words also hold firm what has been and what always will be true: we grieve better when we grieve together.”
 
—Rachel Lewis, author of Unexpecting: Real Talk on Pregnancy Loss  
 
“Empty Cradle, Broken Heart offers compassionate support for bereaved parents in the aftermath of the unimaginable heartbreak that is perinatal loss. This comprehensive resource helps grieving parents navigate complex emotions while also offering practical tools for honoring their grief.”    
 
—Jessica Zucker, PhD, psychologist and author of the award-winning book I Had a Miscarriage: A Memoir, a Movement  

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781682755006
Publisher:	Fulcrum Publishing
Publication date:	10/15/2024
Edition description:	Fourth Edition
Pages:	480
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 1.30(d)

About the Author

Deborah L. Davis, Ph.D. is a developmental psychologist and writer who specializes in the emotional aspects of coping with crisis during pregnancy and infancy, and medical ethics and decision-making during pregnancy and in the NICU. She is the author of several books for bereaved parents and parents of premature babies and has written many articles for parents and professionals.

Read an Excerpt

2
 
Grief and Mourning
 
All the work to create this baby, summoning his soul from who knows where, all to end as ashes in a little box. I can’t stand the endless goneness of him.
—Claudia
 
For a bereaved parent, the journey of grief and mourning encompasses a multitude of painful feelings, distressing thoughts, and uncomfortable sensations.You may feel utterly unprepared for the intensity of this journey. It’s impossible to anticipate how you will feel from day to day, or hour to hour.Your life can seem hopelessly altered and uncertain.You may wonder if you are going crazy.
Because mourning the death of a baby is a bewildering experience, it can help to learn about what to expect and what other bereaved parents have experienced. When you know what’s involved in mourning, you can be reassured that your emotions are valid and normal. When you can see how others have mourned, you can feel less alone and better able to cope with your grief.
It would have helped if somebody had educated us and told us what it was going to be like and said,“You’re going to feel these things. Don’t think you’re going crazy, because it’s normal.” I didn’t know what was going on. So I thought I was going crazy, and I didn’t want to tell anybody about the feelings.
—Desi
It is also important to have realistic expectations for this journey. There is no right or wrong way to grieve; there is no established length of time for mourning. The bereaved parent who expects to feel a certain way after a certain amount of time will only be distressed to discover that grief is not so orderly.
Moreover, no two people grieve in the same way or with the same intensity. Different feelings surface at different times for different people. (See also chapter 9, “Especially for Fathers”; chapter 10,“You and Your Partner.”)
Remember, too, that grieving is not a problem to be solved but a journey to be lived. It hurts, but it’s not wrong. And while there is no quick dx or magic coping skills that will erase your pain, there are many ways you can lovingly tend to your grief and soothe your broken heart.
 

Table of Contents

“A Mother’sLoveSong”............................................................................................... vi

Preface............................................................................................................................. xv

PleaseReadThisFirst................................................................................................. xix

Chapter1:WhyIsThisSoHard?

Chapter2:GriefandMourning

Chapter3:YourGrievingBrain

Chapter4:TheEarlyDaysandMonths

Chapter5:AffirmingYourBaby

Chapter6:PainfulFeelings

Chapter7:TheJourneyofHealing

Chapter8:MakingPeacewithAgonizingDecisions

Chapter9:EspeciallyforFathers

Chapter10:YouandYourPartner

Chapter11:YourFamily

Chapter12:FindingSupport

Chapter13:TryingAgain

Chapter14:SubsequentPregnancy

Chapter15:Bonding,Birth,andParenting

Chapter16:LivinginRemembrance

Editorial Reviews

Empty Cradle Endorsements

“When my tiny baby died during my pregnancy, I was plunged into a grief I did not understand, one that threatened to swallow me whole. Empty Cradle, Broken Heart was a lifeline. Now, a decade after I sat fresh in my grief, scribbling notes and dog-earing pages, Davis releases this latest edition. New stories join with the old, a chorus of bereaved parents’ voices rising strong. Davis matches their timbre with knowledge that is equal parts comforting and empowering. And while this latest edition reflects the modern evolution in how we collectively and inclusively approach pregnancy loss, Davis's words also hold firm what has been and what always will be true: we grieve better when we grieve together.”——Rachel Lewis, author of Unexpecting: Real Talk on Pregnancy Loss

“Empty Cradle, Broken Heart offers compassionate support for bereaved parents in the aftermath of the unimaginable heartbreak that is perinatal loss. This comprehensive resource helps grieving parents navigate complex emotions while also offering practical tools for honoring their grief.”   
—Jessica Zucker, PhD, psychologist and author of the award-winning book I Had a Miscarriage: A Memoir, a Movement
 
“The new edition of Empty Cradle, Broken Heart offers compassionate and invaluable support for anyone navigating the difficult journey of baby loss. Deborah Davis's ability to integrate compassion, research, recommendations, and resources has created an invaluable book. Informed and illuminated with the courage of the parents' narratives Dr. Davis’ expertise, this new edition is a must-have for both new readers and those familiar with the original.”
—Wendy N Davis, PhD, PMH-C, President and CEO, Postpartum Support International
 
“Written with clarity and compassion, Davis’s book is a deeply knowledgeable and comprehensive guide. From taking care of your grieving brain or navigating the tumult of emotions, to creating supportive rituals, managing relationships and making sense of tragedy, Davis offers validation, insight and comfort. This is essential reading for grieving parents and those who support them.”      
—Nisha Zenoff, PhD, author of The Unspeakable Loss: How Do You Live After a Child Dies?
 
“This invaluable resource provides solace, companionship, and practical insights to help parents manage their deep sorrow and sustain the connection with their baby after their passing. It is one of the most comprehensive guides on grief for parents who have experienced perinatal or infant loss as well as for the professionals who support them.”
—Lindsey M. Henke, founder of Pregnancy After Loss Support (PALS) and author of When Skies Are Gray: A Grieving Mother’s Lullaby
 
"Deborah L Davis's Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of your Baby, is one of the most comprehensive books I have read to date on infant loss. As a grief and trauma therapist, I see first hand the trauma, confusion, rumination, and physical effects left in the wake of this specific loss.  Davis's updated edition has covered neuroscience, physical effects, the confusing experience of rumination, as well as the process of continuing bonds in a thorough, yet digestible way.”
—Gina Moffa, LCSW, Grief and trauma therapist and author of Moving On Doesn't Mean Letting Go: A Modern Guide to Navigating Loss
 
“Empty Cradle, Broken Heart is one of the best resources I have come across that serves as a "handbook" to work through all of the different emotions and struggles that parents go through during their grief journey. Deborah Davis has done a phenomenal job addressing every conceivable type of loss and the unique struggles that come along with them. It also delicately journeys into the tough topics that some people consider taboo but that parents really experience and need advice on how to navigate Empty Cradle, Broken Heart is always a book I highly recommend to the loss community we serve to assist them after the loss of an infant.”
—Lori Beth Blaney, Director, Rachel's Gift
 
“Empty Cradle, Broken Heart just keeps getting better. The new, expanded information on how the brain processes grief experiences tremendously helps our families make sense of their mourning and see themselves and their reactions as normal. This edition of the book also reinforces the importance of bereaved families continuing to bond and provide memory making opportunities of their precious babies with their surviving siblings which also enables the entire family to keep moving forward.”
—Melanie Edwards, Co-Founder/Executive Director, Kids Joining Eternity
 
 “Deborah Davis’s ability to integrate compassion, research, recommendations, and resources has created an invaluable book. Informed and illuminated with the courage of the parents’ narratives and Dr. Davis’s expertise, this new edition is a must-have for both new readers and those familiar with the original.” —Wendy N. Davis, PhD, PMH-C, President and CEO, Postpartum Support International

From the Publisher