Everyone You Hate Is Going to Die: And Other Comforting Thoughts on Family, Friends, Sex, Love, and More Things That Ruin Your Life

by Daniel Sloss

Overview

One of this generation's hottest and boldest young comedians presents a transgressive and hilarious analysis of all of our dysfunctional relationships, and attempts to point us in the vague direction of sanity.

Daniel Sloss's stand-up comedy engages, enrages, offends, unsettles, educates, comforts, and gets audiences roaring with laughter—all at the same time. In his groundbreaking specials, seen on Netflix and HBO, he has brilliantly tackled everything from male toxicity and friendship to love, romance, and marriage—and claims (with the data to back it up) that his on-stage laser-like dissection of relationships has single-handedly caused more than 300 divorces and 120,000 breakups.

Now, in his first book, he picks up where his specials left off, and goes after every conceivable kind of relationship—with one's country (Sloss's is Scotland); with America; with lovers, ex-lovers, ex-lovers who you hate, ex-lovers who hate you; with parents; with best friends (male and female), not-best friends; with children; with siblings; and even with the global pandemic and our own mortality. In Everyone You Hate Is Going to Die, every human connection gets the brutally funny (and unfailingly incisive) Sloss treatment as he illuminates the ways in which all of our relationships are fragile and ridiculous and awful—but also valuable and meaningful and important.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780525658146
Publisher:	Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
Publication date:	10/12/2021
Pages:	272
Sales rank:	163,266
Product dimensions:	5.30(w) x 7.80(h) x 1.20(d)

About the Author

DANIEL SLOSS finds About the Author descriptions wanky and outdated. He would just like you to watch his fucking comedy specials. The publisher, on the other hand, would like you to know that Daniel Sloss is an internationally acclaimed, award-winning Scottish comedian and writer. He has created eleven solo shows, toured them in theaters, music venues, and arenas across fifty countries to rave reviews, and his specials, including X on HBO as well as DARK and Jigsaw, on Netflix, can be seen in a total of 190 countries. Despite the relationship and marital mayhem he has caused, Sloss still believes in love. Sloss is thirty and lives in Scotland, his "forever home."

Table of Contents

Introduction: I Might Ruin Your Life, and You're Very Fucking Welcome 3

1 The Good, the Bad, and the Totally Fucked-up 23

2 Siblings: How to Deal with Them and How to Profit Off of Dead Ones 41

3 Genitalia: Our Best Friends and Our Worst Enemies 67

4 Friends with the Opposite Bits 89

5 Countries Are People, Too, Just Bigger and Even Worse 111

6 I Love America, But … 137

7 Lads, Lads, Lads 163

8 Toxic Partners and Why They Suck 191

9 The Pandemic: I Fought My Thoughts and My Thoughts Won 211

10 Love-and Cheaper, Funner Drugs 235

Acknowledgments 255

Editorial Reviews

06/28/2021

Scottish comedian Sloss riffs on all kinds of relationships in his gleefully profane debut. Building on his stand-up material, he muses about his parents, siblings, friends, romantic partners, homeland, and America: “the greatest country in the world, according to very little evidence.” While he packs in the punch lines, he doesn’t shy away from serious subjects like discomfort around grief or the inevitability of death, writing with tenderness about his beloved younger sister, Josie, who had cerebral palsy and died when he was eight. (“She was my sister. Not yours. My grief. Back the fuck off... I’ll cry you under the table.”) A chapter on toxic partners explores the importance of learning how to be alone; another reflects on the responsibilities of male camaraderie: “Men need to keep other men in line because when women try to do it they’re called insane.” Not all chapters are as tight as his onstage deliveries—as evidenced by offhand comments including “I don’t know what my point is with that story”—but Sloss has great fun with the form, adding cheeky footnotes and wondering how many references to sex he can cram in before his publisher objects. (A lot, it turns out.) Fans of his comedy and those with a soft spot for irreverent banter will find much to enjoy, and some insights, too. (Oct.)

Publishers Weekly

This is the Pandora's Box of self-help books.” —Conan O'Brien

“When I was told that Daniel Sloss had written a book, I was immensely interested since I’d resented him already by watching his standup specials — for his quick wit and free-associative irreverent style that I thought I’d originated. Spoiler alert: Don’t be disappointed if, by reading this book, everyone you hate doesn’t die, but what a title. And what a book.  It’s smart, acerbic, and incredibly funny. I suggest you read it. And anything else Daniel sends our way. He’s a very special comic mind and one that is a gift to those of us who need to hear from our best, hilarious, demented, smart friend.” —Bob Saget

“The only thing wrong with this book is that at my age everyone I hate is already dead.” —Peter Bart

“The funniest book I’ve ever read for libel.” —The Alfred A. Knopf lawyer

“[Sloss is] dirty, sweet and clever.” —Elise Czajkowski, The New York Times

“Sloss uses comedy as a means to not only make his fans laugh but also to raise critical questions about the way we act . . .” —Christina Zhao, Newsweek

“He tells jokes that are transgressive, that are shocking, that are dark enough to emphasize that he’s not some kind of pious, soggy, joyless hector.” —Sophie Gilbert, The Atlantic

“His bits teem with curse words, wicked daydreams…But the slapstick is a preamble: Sloss’s signature move is a pivot to vulnerability.” —Eren Orbey, The New Yorker

“Sloss offers insights on toxic masculinity, gender and sexuality that are at once deliciously dark, hilarious and profound.” —Debbie Hall, Daily Record

From the Publisher

06/01/2021

Scottish comedian Sloss proudly writes that he has autographed sets of divorce papers for numerous couples who broke up after watching his stand-up. His new book explores love, friendship, family, and biases relating to gender and nationality; he bundles all this subjects under the umbrella of relationships. Nothing's off limits here. His assertions and conclusions aren't groundbreaking, but they're honest and uncompromising. They're also peppered with salty language. Fans of his stand-up probably won't be surprised or bothered, but new readers may be put off. (Sloss might, rightfully, point out that readers should have taken a clue from the book's title.) His story of recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship is especially poignant. One of Sloss's strengths as a comedian, unsurprisingly, is his delivery. While it translates relatively well into prose, fans may miss the accent. What they'll enjoy is the brash honesty and large amount of heart. VERDICT This book is great for readers who like dark, occasionally brutal humor, like that of Ricky Gervais or Dave Chappelle.—Audrey Snowden, Milford Town Lib., MA

Library Journal

2021-02-25
A book version of the Scottish comedian’s routine.

Recycling his material into book form, Sloss creates an awkward mix of virulent complaints and predictable relationship advice. The author boasts that his show Jigsaw, in which he made the unremarkable case that it's better to be alone than in a bad relationship, “broke up 95,000 couples, resulted in 250 engagements being canceled and more than 200 divorces.” Throughout, Sloss employs profanity with a liberal hand, “not as much as I originally wanted—there's editors for you—but still enough to hurt your delicate American sensibilities.” In one particularly venomous chapter, the author unleashes a tirade directed at his ex-girlfriend, who “is going to read this and feel so, so bad about herself” and who he hopes “dies in a car crash. As long as no innocent civilians are killed, I don’t think I’d bat an eye.” His ability to dispense relationship advice—e.g., “Have as much sex as you can while you're young, because it’s the only time you’re allowed to suck at it”; “You owe nothing to anyone other than yourself”—is predicated on his seemingly unironic belief that “I'm twenty-nine years old. I think I know what I'm talking about.” Less shocking than sophomoric, the book is likely to grate on the nerves of those who don't identify as “Lads, Lads, Lads.” The author’s attempts to shoehorn more serious emotional material into the narrative—as when he describes his love for a sister who suffered from cerebral palsy and died when she was 6 and he was 8—feel misplaced. In the final chapter, Sloss writes about the satisfying relationship he has with his girlfriend of three years, but he includes an objectively appalling list of ways in which he's mistreated her. Readers may wonder whom he’s trying to impress with his naughty ways.

Comedy for fans of Tucker Max and early Howard Stern.

Kirkus Reviews