From Brotherhood to Manhood: How Black Men Rescue Their Relationships and Dreams From the Invisibility Syndrome
256
From Brotherhood to Manhood: How Black Men Rescue Their Relationships and Dreams From the Invisibility Syndrome
256eBook
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Overview
"From Brotherhood to Manhood explores-with rich clinical wisdom-the unique burdens of being black and male in America. A.J. Franklin offers insightful advice to inspire men from any background. This forthright book should be read by everyone interested in understanding the obstacles along the journey toward manhood."-Alvin F. Poussaint, M.D., Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School
"Dr. Anderson Franklin travels to the core of Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man and reinterprets how this idea plays itself out today. For those African Americans who live with 'Invisibility syndrome' daily and are in need of relief, he offers solutions. For a nation still oblivious to the ways it tears out he heart of our democratic republic, he offers a wake-up call."-Bakari Kitwana, author of the Hip Hop Generation: Young Black and the Crisis in African American Culture
"I believe this can be an extraordinarily useful tool not only for black males, but for all of those who will be interacting with black males in American society."-Benjamin S. Carson, Sr., M.D., Professor of Neurological Surgery, Oncology, Plastic Surgery, and Pediatrics, Johns Hopkins Medical Institutions
"Invisible brothers become visible men on the pages of this book. Dr. Franklin exposes the problem, unburdens the reader, gives hop for healing, [and] designs and forges new paths to visibility What a debriefing!"-Dr. Gwendolyn Goldsby Grant, psychologist, advice columnist, Essence magazine, and author of the Best Kind of Loving
"Not since Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man has any author captured so powerfully and authentically the essence of what life is like in America for African American men."-Dr. Jeremiah A. Wright, Senior Pastor, Trinity United Church of Christ, Chicago, Illinois
"This warm, real, and often heartbreaking book gives us an insider's view of what it is like to be black and male in this works. Dr. Franklin offers practical strategies for the affirmations needed and the celebrations required if we have men in our lives. If you know and care about a black man, you ought to read this book."-Gail Elizabeth Wyatt, Ph.D., Professor, Department of Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences, UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute, author of Stolen Women, and coauthor of No More Clueless Sex
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780470308363 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Trade Paper Press |
| Publication date: | 04/21/2008 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 256 |
| File size: | 2 MB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
From Brotherhood to Manhood
How Black Men Rescue Their Relationships and Dreams From the Invisibility SyndromeBy Anderson J. Franklin
John Wiley & Sons
ISBN: 0-471-35294-2Chapter One
INVISIBLE MEN
The Sixth Sense-Bill's Story
At forty-seven, Bill was part of the promising wave of poor-but-working-class black men who had made it into the middle class. Well-spoken and self-assured, he graduated from Yale in the late 1960s, served as an Army officer in Vietnam, and worked his way up the corporate ladder to a highly paid management position in a major American corporation.
He first came to see me because his son was having trouble in school, but it quickly became obvious that his son was having trouble with Bill. In fact, he was giving his whole family a hard time. He ranted at his son and daughter when they fought, minimized their conflicts, and told them to solve their problems on their own. He and his wife had grown increasingly distant, and the atmosphere at home was charged with tension and stress. He frequently came home from work withdrawn and impatient. Whenever he talked to his wife about his difficulties on the job, he told her angrily that she made him feel worse, misunderstood, and unsupported.
After about five weeks of family therapy a breakthrough occurred. During our session Bill revealed a disturbing incident, one that had unleashed an emotional firestorm. The night before, he had taken a white business client to anexpensive restaurant in midtown Manhattan. When Bill told the maître d' they were there for dinner, the man looked right past him and asked his guest whether they had reservations. When the meal was over the waiter picked up Bill's American Express Gold Card, but then returned it with the charge slip to Bill's client.
Bill imagined how his father, a tough city bus driver who never let such racial slights go by, would have exploded at the waiter. But Bill, fearful of creating an embarrassing scene, simply reached over and signed the slip while continuing to chat amiably with his client.
The two men walked out into the night and shook hands, reaffirming their agreement on a major contract. It should have been a sweet moment: The agreement put Bill in line for a major promotion. The white client stepped to the curb and effortlessly hailed a cab. Fifteen minutes later Bill was still at the curbside with his hand up, while white men and women flowed around him to hail cabs of their own. Finally, after yet another cab passed him up in favor of a white couple, Bill flung himself across the hood, swearing and flailing his attaché case at the driver's window.
All evening he had struggled to contain his anger. He felt that he was being seen not as himself but as a stereotype-first, as too insignificant to host a client at an expensive restaurant, and then as too dangerous to be let into a cab. Later, he felt that his explosion of rage merely reinforced the stereotypes of menace, only further contributing to his invisibility.
Invisibility Defined
This was hardly the first time that an African American man in therapy had told me of race-related indignities. I believe that every black man, if you ask him, can describe comparable experiences in the pit of racism that happened either to him or to someone in his circle of family and friends. These experiences accumulate to create a feeling of invisibility.
Invisibility is an inner struggle with feeling that one's talents, abilities, personality, and worth are not valued or recognized because of prejudice and racism. Conversely, we feel visible when our true talents, abilities, personality, and worth are respected.
Obviously, Bill was not literally invisible. But being seen not as himself, and what's more, as utterly insignificant, infuriated him.
As I suspected, Bill's parents and relatives had made a point of teaching him from childhood how to detect and deal with racism. His older brothers and sisters threw in their opinions based on their experiences. Friends freely gave their personal guidelines based on what they learned through their own life experiences. Usually, with all of this input to draw on, Bill was able to navigate the hidden minefield of racism in the workplace. He had developed an invulnerability of sorts-an internal sense of being powerful enough to anticipate negative racial experiences, protect himself if necessary, and control his responses. But instead of protecting his dignity that night, his sixth sense had failed, and failing ignited a firestorm.
Most African American men understand what Bill went through. Daily acts of scorn are such a part of our experience that, early on, we develop a sixth sense or gut level sensor to detect contempt, slight, and innuendo in our encounters with other people. Invisibility is burdensome to black men's souls because it implies that we have been tricked, deceived, or compromised into humiliation, disgrace, or victimization. Feeling invisible, we have no dignity, and preserving our dignity is paramount.
Unfortunately, the effect of invisibility is that it links our selfrespect to our ability to "read" (that is, to figure out) other people's intentions so that we can properly handle any racial situation we find ourselves in. Any shortcoming must be hidden behind a mask of indifference. The alternative is not much better: to fight aggressively to preserve what we think of ourselves. Either way, if you are an invisible man, to use novelist Ralph Ellison's timeless phrase, protecting your self-respect is a full-time job. It requires vigilance at all times, being careful in the evaluation of opportunities, and being assertive about personal goals in spite of what others think.
But all that effort can leave us at even greater risk, cool on the surface but underneath, lonely and confused. The following stories-indeed, the most common I hear from my clients-illustrate the dilemmas that are the outcome of risk to our formative selves.
Confused about How to "Be"-Tee's Dilemma
Tee, a dark-skinned ninth grader, could have been any black mother's son. He was obviously a bright kid. For years he repeatedly told teachers he wanted more instruction and homework in his favorite subjects. But almost every time he expressed his interest in math and science he got a quizzical look from his teachers. They would respond with insinuations about how difficult the subject was and how much he would have to study.
Since he stood six-four, his teachers instead encouraged him to play basketball. He liked the game. It was fun, but he was not interested in competing on a school team. He continued to surprise teachers with his membership in the science and math club even though he became resigned to their attitudes. Tee and his mother had been waging this war against having his interests subverted since he started school. From independent testing they knew his intelligence and talents were exceptional. Nevertheless, he believed his teachers treated him as "the dumb black kid," or "jock."
Buttressed by his mother's support, Tee persisted in his academic interests, although he frequently felt like an oddball around his teachers. Among his black peers he was called a "brainiac," and was accused of trying to act white by being smart. He felt out of place and had to work hard to fit in on his terms. Except for his mother, he found few supporters.
Tee was not socially isolated. On the contrary, he was well-liked, and part of the school's social network. To accomplish this acceptance, however, he gradually learned to suppress his talents. In order to not appear to be such an oddity, he hung out with the "brothers," tried to "stay loose," and performed in class in a way that didn't overwhelm his teachers with his ability.
Tee was finding that he had to decide over and over again how he was going to be. His mother's, friends', and teachers' opinions and beliefs put a lot of pressure on him.
"Black boys get treated differently," his mother warned him. This was true. Or at least he began to feel that way. He could sense there was some truth in her passion, although her overprotective behavior embarrassed him when she thought the treatment he received was unfair and racially motivated.
As Tee struggled to craft a definition of himself that rose above the presumptions of people who had a real measure of control over him, he experienced an acute sense of invisibility. Boys like Tee find their way through the day with a sheer veil covering their eyes. They can see, but not with clarity. One moment they believe that they're headed in the right direction, and the next moment they're not so certain. People they rely on turn out to offer ambiguous and misleading cues about their strengths and direction.
Young black males who are less fortunate and supported than Tee can feel even more disoriented, exhausted at an early age by the effort it takes just to try to be accepted on their own terms. Take Carl for example, a twenty-six-year-old student government leader attending a well-known college.
Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't-Carl's Dilemma
After struggling through high school, Carl reluctantly earned his GED in an alternative public school program. He bounced from low-paying job to low-paying job and quickly became dissatisfied. Many of his friends were either headed to or just getting out of jail.
Sensing that Carl was drifting, his grandfather, a former navy man, urged him to join. Initially Carl resisted; but suddenly he relented and bought into his grandfather's sales pitch that it was an opportunity to see the world. What is more, Carl felt the uniform would give him recognition and a feeling of importance. But he thought little about how life would be in the navy.
Months after he joined, he found himself at sea with a group of young sailors whose acceptance of him was inconsistent at best. He frequently found himself excluded from social activities. All of the officers were white, and the few sailors of color blew hot and cold in their desire to have exclusive black friendships. Those black sailors who socialized only with each other were viewed, sometimes suspiciously, as different and loners. At times he felt accepted by them, and at other times they were suspicious of what was seen as his unusual friendliness with some white sailors.
Carl's grandfather had urged him to expand his horizons beyond his blackness, so he was not sure how he should act. Consequently, he would become whatever the people he was with wanted him to be at the time. As far as making friends and getting along with his fellow sailors, he felt as if he kept stubbing his toe as he tried to get along with different groups and follow the navy "team" credo-all while trying to be true to his grandfather's vision for him.
Carl tried hard not to allow the assumptions others held about him to overly affect the way he behaved. Ironically, his behavior helped reaffirm the opinions others held about him. This is the old "damned if you do, damned if you don't" dilemma. Trying to reconcile too many warring views created confusion and frustration, derailing his aspirations.
Wondering, Why Bother?-Kofi's Dilemma
"Hi, I'm Chris, but my friends call me Kofi." The handsome young man entered my office and extended his hand in greeting. He went on to say he was twenty-eight years old and that he felt that his life was drifting nowhere in particular. He wanted help getting back into school.
Kofi knew his parents wanted him to be proud of his heritage and make something of himself. Until he entered high school, Kofi attended a small private school run by an African American educator, where he was immersed in African and African American history as part of his basic education. He identified the transition to high school as one of the most difficult periods in his life.
His conflict began when he listened to a high school teacher talk about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s winning of the Nobel Peace Prize and having a national holiday designated for him. In Kofi's view, the teacher related nothing of substance about the civil rights struggle central to Dr. King's accomplishments. Soon the depth of Kofi's understanding of African American history brought him into conflict with his teachers, who grew annoyed with his objections and challenges to their points of view. His parents supported this speaking up, which inevitably got him labeled as a difficult, albeit promising, student.
In standing up for values that were emphasized at home, Kofi had to deal with teachers who he felt disregarded those values. This was a dilemma throughout high school that twisted, rather than shaped his feelings about himself. He did not like being trapped between the two views of the world that he experienced at home and at school. Kofi felt his parents' "pushing me to have this black consciousness" became too frustrating. It got him in trouble at school where he was labeled a troublemaker. His parents, his teachers, and his minister all had divergent ideas about how he should behave, and his response to the conflicting cues was a resounding "Why bother?" By the time Kofi reached college, the pattern was set. Full of frustration, he dropped out in his second year.
Invisibility obscures personal vision. Assumptions and stereotypes that come from inside and outside our communities made it difficult for Kofi to achieve a balanced perspective on being black and male. Struggling constantly to maintain his self-esteem, he sought activities and alliances that allowed him to coexist with others, with the least amount of stress and with the maximum amount of dignity.
When you see a black man making choices or taking risks that aren't necessarily in his best interest, you can be fairly sure that those actions are making him feel valued above what others around him presume to be the small measure of his worth.
In Kofi, a sense of invisibility clouded his judgment and altered his ability to evaluate his stature and movement toward personal goals. Invisibility created a heightened sensitivity to indignities. It led to his questioning his own judgment about how others treated him, about how he fit into situations, and about how to conduct himself.
Second-Guessing-Sean's Dilemma
Persistent second-guessing sucks hope out of the air, undermines the will, and breaks the spirit. Sean, a thirty-six-year-old attorney, recently told me that even within the black community he is constantly on guard about other people's reactions to him. What, he wondered aloud, will the sisters he meets think and feel about him? What will other brothers think and feel? He also wondered how he will be treated outside the black community. Will he be accepted? What impression is he making? He feels that his survival is threatened by his inability to correctly read hidden messages coded into each encounter.
It is all too easy for men like Sean to feel like victims of society, rather than vital, contributing members of it.
Continues...
Excerpted from From Brotherhood to Manhood by Anderson J. Franklin Excerpted by permission.
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Table of Contents
Preface.PART ONE: THE ANATOMY OF INVISIBILITY.
1. Invisible Men.
2. The Brotherhood Rules.
3. Dilemmas of Trust, Power, and Control.
PART TWO: ENTERING THE DANGER ZONES.
4. Masculinity and Sexuality: The Myths and the Messages.
5. The Miseducation of African American Boys.
6. Becoming Our Fathers.
PART THREE: LOOKING BENEATH THE SURFACE OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS.
7. Friendships Among Black Men.
8. Relationships with Black Women.
PART FOUR: MOVING ON: FROM BROTHERHOOD TO MANHOOD.
9. Seeking Help: Trusting the Wisdom of Others.
10. The Twelve Lessons of Empowerment.
11. Strategies for Moving On.
Suggested Readings.
Additional Readings.
Appendix: Black Men: Facts and Figures.
Index.