Read an Excerpt
Get Serious About Getting Married
365 Proven Ways to Find Love in Less Than a Year
Chapter One
Get Serious About Who You Are
and What You Want So You Can
Get Ready to Find Him!
I assume you're reading this book because you want to fall in love and get married. How great is that? That's a wonderful, honorable goal. That's why I am not going to mess around. This book will take you through each step that gives women the best chance of meeting Mr. Right (as opposed to Mr. Right Now). For most women, Mr. Right is a man who is smart, successful, funny, kind, and attractive -- a man of intelligence and quality -- whether he's a stockbroker, a lawyer, fireman, or cowboy.
I think marriage is one of the greatest things on earth. Having someone to love, cry with, talk to, share life, and grow old with: That's sexy. That's wonderful. That's hip and cool and stylish. Don't let anyone tell you it's not. Some people scoff at those actively searching for a loving mate. I don't, not only because it's my business to help find people their soul mates, but also because I believe love and marriage are sacred. So don't, for a single second, feel embarrassed about making a conscious decision to look for a marriageable mate.
There's a lot of advice floating around about what women can do to meet and be attractive to men. Some of that advice I agree with. For example, being as pretty as you can be is classic wisdom and we'll deal with that later. But there's one aspect of meeting and enticing men that often gets overlooked, and it may be the most important part of preparing to go from single to married. And that's you.
The single biggest mistake women who want a committed relationship make is to look for someone without knowing what they themselves want from a man and from marriage. I know that you will not be successful in your search unless you have your priorities straight and you are very clear about the kind of man you will be happy with. That's because finding the right person to marry -- to love -- isn't all Kismet. It's not 100 percent magic. Yes, chemistry is important. But there are qualities and issues of character and even appearance in a man that are important to you and to every woman I know. Only after you have determined what's important to you -- and what's not -- can you begin your search honestly and seriously. You may think you know what you want in a man; you may even be positive about it. But take the time to do as I ask in this chapter anyway. You may be surprised! Determining your likes and dislikes and your hopes and dreams before you embark on this journey is time well spent!
This book is not about helping you get married just for the sake of getting married. I have known women and men who have done it that way, and the marriage usually doesn't end up very well. The tips and worksheets will help clarify what you're looking for. They will help you consider how important a host of issues are to you: values, goals, money, religion, politics, looks; even smoking and drinking. Once you have determined how you feel about these issues, you can move forward in your search with a lot more confidence. If a date or someone you meet doesn't match up with what I call your "non-negotiables," he probably isn't husband material and you can move on. What a relief that will be! No more wasting time on the wrong person.
Look, I know this attitude may sound a bit harsh. But I've met many women who have wasted years in relationships with the wrong man, hoping they will change. They don't. So don't rush ahead to the section on beauty and appearance. You may be saying, "Janis, I know what I want in a man, I don't have to think about it." I require each of my clients, both male and female, to fill out the detailed questionnaire you'll find in this chapter. It makes a difference to put your ideas in writing because seeing your preferences on paper will really help keep you focused. Making a promise to yourself about what you want in a relationship will make it that much harder to veer away from the standards you've set for yourself.
1. DETERMINE WHAT YOUR "NON-NEGOTIABLES" ARE
Qualities or attributes you've determined are essential for another person to possess are what I call your "non-negotiables." Be clear about them, because knowing what they are is a very important step in finding a mate. Your list will likely be diverse and include feelings about height and weight (physical appearance), smoking and drug-taking, religious affiliations, drinking and eating habits, and other general interests. A single redeeming characteristic doesn't add up to Mr. Right. If you meet someone who does not possess your non-negotiables, you should seriously consider moving on. You can't change a person's essential beliefs and behaviors. You might be able to polish superficial characteristics, such as a lack of personal style or clumsy social skills. But non-negotiables are permanent or may be extremely hard to change. Compromising on them usually leads to unhappiness, discontent, and even relationship disaster.
The questionnaire at the end of the chapter (pages 19-33) will help you figure out what your non-negotiables are.
2. ESTABLISH YOUR LONG-TERM GOALS
What do you want to accomplish in five, ten, even fifteen years? Where do you want to be living? What do you want to be doing professionally? The answers to these questions will help you determine the kind of person you want to be with. This step is as important as figuring out what your non-negotiables are. Your long-term goals must match those of your potential mate's. If two people have very different goals, it's going to be very challenging for them to make their relationship work ...
Get Serious About Getting Married
365 Proven Ways to Find Love in Less Than a Year. Copyright © by Janis Spindel. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
