Table of Contents
Introduction 11
1980s Trans Am 17
A Car Drives into a Bar 19
Ain't No Party Like a Clifton Party 21
Attempting to Locate the Amorous 25
Back in the New York Groove 27
Bad Motor Scooter 29
Bass, but Not the Fish 33
Be Like Bob 37
Billiards 41
Blazer Blasphemy 45
Blazin Up a Fatty 47
Bunion Kisser 49
Can I Wash That for You? 53
Canadian Shoplifter 55
Canadian (Whisky) Thanksgiving 57
Cautious Inebriation 61
Clean Up After Yourself 63
Crack Pipe Storage 65
Creatures Carrying Tiny Trampolines 67
Dale Carnegie Discourse 69
Dearly Departed 71
Detroit Dipsticks 73
Don't Be Like Bob 77
Doo-Doo Deposit Disaster 79
Dr. Dre Beat Down 81
Drunk, with a Side of Stupid 83
Drunken Vulcan, or "Drulcan" 85
East Side Dipsticks 87
Fallen and Can't Get Up 89
Fireball 91
Florida Woman 93
Fundred Acre Wood 95
Gaming Loudly 97
Granite State Madman 99
Healthcare Mayhem 101
Herbal Fury 103
Hot Balls 105
In the Pants Stuff 109
Kevin 111
Keyboard in the Pants 113
Kicking the Ass of the Trashman 117
Killing for Satan 119
Last Fumes from an Empty Gas Tank 123
Lay-Out 127
Maine Moose Moss 129
McChicken Sandwich 131
Meat in Pants 133
Moment of Weakness with the Star Land Vocal Band 135
More Loud Lovemaking 139
Could This Have Been Mrs. McGillicuddy? 141
Naked on the Bridge Over the River, Why? 143
Nick 145
No Nuggets 147
North Dakota Man 151
Not a Yeti 155
Nunchuck Warrior 159
Paninis and Vice Presidents 161
Performing in Porn Over on Patton Street 163
Peter, William, and Jerry 165
Potholes 169
Pull the Shade in the Key of D 171
Ramming Speed 175
Rapid Roy the Neighborhood Boy 179
Rubbing the Revolver 181
A Screaming Roll on the Macadam 183
Supreme Commander of the Bad Driving Division 185
The Desk Sergeant Hears It All 187
The Good, the Bad, and the Weed Salesman 189
The Sons of Katie Elder? 191
The Sudden Stop 195
This Is a Quiz 197
Tinder Love 199
Tool-Toting Shirtless Man 203
Very Vulgar Fare 207
Walking Tall-Louisville Edition 209
We Are the FBI, Just Google Us 213
When Just Enough Is Too Much 217
Woman on a Bike 219
You Still Owe Me Fifty Bucks 221
Levity-An Afterword 223
