Grief Day by Day: Simple, Everyday Practices to Help Yourself Survive. and Thrive
115
Grief Day by Day: Simple, Everyday Practices to Help Yourself Survive. and Thrive
115Paperback(None)
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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781617222689 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Companion Press |
| Publication date: | 11/01/2018 |
| Edition description: | None |
| Pages: | 115 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.40(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.40(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
The Secret
* * *
In all my many years as a grief counselor and educator, I have been privileged to companion thousands of grieving people. I consider this work both an honor and a calling. But despite my schooling and experience, I am not the expert. It is the grievers themselves who are the experts. After all, they are the only ones who can teach me what their unique grief is like for them. My main responsibilities are to listen, learn, and empathize — and, in my teaching and authoring roles, to share their lessons of hope and healing with others.
As I progressed in my career and understanding, the more love and grief stories I listened to and learned from, the more I became aware of some quiet patterns. These patterns are important because they can help grievers like you embrace your grief and find your way to reconciliation.
One of those patterns was something I've already mentioned: that mourning, or the outward expression of grief, helps people heal. I saw that those who were more open and authentic in their grief and mourning — in ways that suited their unique personalities and needs — were more likely to work their way to renewed meaning and purpose in their continuing lives.
Another pattern I noticed was the converse of open, authentic mourning: a lot of people carry their grief instead of mourning it.
We humans have the capacity to keep our thoughts and feelings inside of us, and pretend, on the outside, that nothing is amiss. (Some people even have the capacity to barely acknowledge their own grief inside themselves.) If we grieve but never mourn after a significant loss, we end up carrying our grief, often for years and decades. And carried, or unacknowledged, grief creates insidious symptoms, such as ongoing anxiety, depression, and problems with intimacy. I call it "living in the shadows of the ghosts of grief" because it causes people to die inside while they are still alive.
And the third and perhaps most mysterious pattern that emerged as I learned from grievers is that while it takes both active mourning and time to heal — and there is and should be no timetable in grief — some people did seem to authentically reconcile their grief more expediently, even people who had suffered profound and traumatic losses.
For years I bore witness to these remarkable grievers' stories, and slowly I discerned that many of them had something in common. They acknowledged and expressed their grief — yes. They actively remembered the person who died — yes. They developed new self-identities apart from the person who died — yes. They searched for spiritual meaning — yes. They often had good support from friends and family — yes. In short, they actively worked on the six needs of mourning that we will soon discuss.
But there was also something else — something unassuming and rather simple — that seemed to lift them up and carry them on a current of hope. What was it?
Often unknowingly, these grievers had leveraged the power of ritual to supercharge their healing.
What is ritual?
First of all, what do I mean by ritual? Does the word have you picturing a weird, cultish rite around a bonfire in the middle of a forest in the middle of the night? Or does it conjure images of rote, by-the-book religious ceremonies?
Don't worry — those concepts of ritual are not what I mean.
Wikipedia defines ritual this way: "a sequence of activities involving gestures, words, and objects, performed in a sequestered place, and performed according to a set sequence." That definition is a bit too prescriptive for our use, but it's getting closer to what we want.
In contemporary parlance, we often use the word "ritual" in the context of self-care routines. We have our morning coffee-and-news ritual. We have daily grooming rituals. We have getting-ready-for-bed rituals. We have exercise and relaxation rituals. That routine you have of taking off your shoes after a long day and curling up in your favorite chair with your beverage of choice and your companion animal? That's a ritual.
We also have rituals for luck, such as crossing our fingers, and rituals of preparation, as when a baseball player steps through a series of taps and shuffles before entering the batter's box. Formal and informal spiritual rituals abound, too, from services at places of worship to prayer beads to singing bowls to labyrinths.
The word "ritual" comes to us from the late-16th-century Latin ritualis and ritus, meaning an act performed in a ceremony. That's what rituals are as we will discuss them in this book — actions that we perform in a certain way and in a certain sequence, for a purpose that has emotional and spiritual meaning and is greater than the sum of its sometimes banal parts. And rituals don't have to be formal ceremonies. In fact, most of the rituals in this book are brief, informal, and simple, and they can be performed alone. They pack outsized healing power into just a few minutes.
When it comes to death and grief, the funeral, of course, is a keystone ritual. After a death, since the dawn of human civilization, we grievers have relied on funeral rituals to take us through the transition in ways commensurate with the life-changing nature of the experience. We don't just toss dead bodies into the trash and call it good. In fact, that very idea is so shocking and distasteful because we intuitively and deeply understand that the loss of a loved one demands time, respect, and care.
That is why when someone we care about dies, we often drop everything else we are doing — work, school, vacations, daily tasks — and turn our attention to the person who died, the family of the person who died, and the time-worn rituals that step us through the coming days. From caring for the body and the visitation to the ceremony and all its many elements (music, readings, the eulogy, flowers, candle-lighting, etc.) to the funeral procession to the cemetery and the graveside goodbye to the gathering afterward, there is a time-tested sequence of steps we follow.
The funeral ritual provides a structure that holds us up at a time when we might otherwise collapse. It gives us things to do and places to go. But it's also much more than an empty scaffold. It slows down time, creating space for respect and care. It a spiritual encounter with the meaning of life, love, and death.
I hope you were able to participate in a meaningful, personalized funeral experience for the person you love who died. If you were, you know that an authentic funeral helps you set out on a healthy mourning path and begin to meet your six needs of mourning (seepage 17). A great funeral can provide a great start and has the springboard-like healing boost inherent to all grief rituals. (And if you weren't fortunate enough to take part in an excellent funeral? The group rituals in Chapter 7 can be used as follow-up funerals of a sort.)
But we've done ourselves a disservice in thinking about the funeral as a ritual of closure. The funeral is better understood as a ritual of beginning. It is a rite of passage from life before the death to life after the death. As such, it marks the beginning of our new lives. I often say that the funeral is less about saying goodbye and more about saying hello — hello to our changed world, hello to our grief, hello to the new selves we are forced to become, hello to a search for renewed meaning and purpose.
People in other times and places have better understood this. For example, the Victorian tradition of formal mourning for a year or more, characterized by mourning clothing and various social rituals, gave continued structure and acknowledgment to people's necessary, ongoing grief long after the funeral. Around the world, during festivals like the Day of the Dead in Mexico and Chuseok in Korea, grievers to this day continue to set aside sacred time for rituals honoring those who have died.
In present-day America, some grievers instinctively plan or take part in additional rituals after the funeral to help them continue on the path of healthy grief and mourning. Have you? Group memory ceremonies (sometimes orchestrated at holiday time by hospices or funeral homes); family cemetery visits, tree plantings, or fun runs in memory of a loved one; annual fundraisers to support a nonprofit or cause dear to the person who died; and gatherings that mark the anniversary of tragedies are a few examples of the kinds of group rituals that are sometimes held. All help grievers meet their needs of mourning, and I recommend all of them.
But in our culture, these follow-up rituals are relatively uncommon. Rarely do I meet grievers who have participated in additional ceremonies after the funeral — and a larger and larger percentage of people are skipping the funeral itself. So ... there's a disconnect! On the one hand, I know that ritual is exceptionally powerful at helping grievers heal, yet on the other hand, I see that death and grief rituals are rarely used.
I hope this book not only moves us toward re-ritualizing death and grief but also helps more and more grievers begin to understand and embrace the power of all rituals — big and small — during their time of grief.
CHAPTER 2Why Rituals Work
* * *
Now that we've talked about the definition of ritual as we will use it in this book, let's spend a few minutes discussing why rituals work.
One reason that rituals are so commonly used for a variety of purposes is that they help us feel more in control when we're feeling the anxiety of being out of control. Let's say we're afraid of flying. One way we might quell our trepidation is by stepping through a routine, which could include repeating an "I am safe" mantra, holding onto a personal security item such as a blanket, and looking out the window of the plane. Or if a loved one is in the hospital and we are worried, we might invoke ritualistic prayers as well as actions such as getting down on our knees. Rituals soothe and steady us.
In grief, fears and anxiety are a normal part of the experience. The death of someone loved was out of our control, and our new life without someone who anchored our existence naturally gives rise to all kinds of fears. What's more, our grief often feels chaotic. Rituals can help calm our fears and anxiety in grief.
Another related reason humans turn to ritual is to feel more confident. If we have a job interview, we might put on our lucky outfit, tuck a good-luck object of some kind into our pocket, and engage in some positive self-talk. These types of rituals can bolsterour bravado, helping us feel prepared as well as engaged and present when we arrive at the interview.
In grief, rituals can have the same effect. On any given day we might be feeling ineffective, incapable of completing even the smallest tasks. Not only are our energy and concentration levels low, but our self-esteem may be ebbing. Simple rituals can help us regain feelings of mastery and capability. We can follow the steps. We can focus for a couple of minutes. And when we complete the ritual, we feel the satisfaction of having finished something as well as renewed confidence to engage with other tasks throughout the day.
A third and critical reason we rely on ritual is that it gives us something to do when we don't know what to do. When we are in distress, the routine of ritual provides a structure. Have you ever found yourself cleaning out your car when you were angry? Or taking care of tasks while you were in shock — tasks that later on you couldn't even remember doing? Our bodies are wise. They sometimes literally move us through highly stressful hours when our minds and spirits are too overwhelmed to engage. I often say that when words are inadequate, use ritual. That's because ritual is more essential than language and thought. It is a foundation we can stand on.
Perhaps at no time is this foundational quality of ritual more important than in grief. I mentioned earlier that the structure of the funeral holds us up when we might otherwise collapse. Throughout our grief journeys, ritual can continue to provide a handhold and a lifeline if we only grab onto it.
A final — and I think the most important — reason that humankind has forever created and relied on ritual is that it plugs us into the spiritual plane. We feel a sense of something greater than ourselves when we participate in certain kinds of ritual. Especially when we enter ritual with intentionality and incorporate symbols, we are using it in a way that tries to make the spiritual concrete. It's like we are given the opportunity to touch the divine.
Have you ever felt a deep sense of awe, wonder, connection, honor, and/or synchronicity when you were part of a ritual? Maybe it was a graduation ceremony or a special anniversary gathering. Perhaps it was a candle-lighting vigil, a sunrise worship service, or a ceremony in honor of a heroic act or momentous occasion. Maybe it was a ritual for physical or spiritual healing. And perhaps it was a funeral or other death ritual. Whatever the reason for the ritual, you may have experienced a few precious moments of transcendence and connection with an energy greater than yourself.
This ineffable, transcendent quality of ritual is what I believe has the most power to supercharge the healing process in grief. All of the other reasons for ritual are also helpful in grief and play important roles in the rituals offered up in this book, but the spiritual nature of ritual aligns with the spiritual nature of love and grief.
Earlier I said that our grief affects us physically, cognitively, emotionally, socially, and spiritually, but it is most of all a spiritual journey. Ritual, too, is spiritual. In fact, it's embedded in the very word: spiritual. Ritual is mysterious, just like love and grief are mysterious — experiences more to be pondered than explained. None can be precisely weighed and measured. None can be pinned down scientifically. We don't understand exactly how and why they work as they do. Yet we do understand they are the most meaningful of life experiences.
So my final answer to the question "Why does ritual work?" is: We don't really know. It just does. I can attest to it because I have seen it work its magic many times in the lives and hearts of grieving people. In fact, ritual is so effective in grief that when I meet a griever who is especially struggling, I often recommend additional rituals or ceremonies.
I'm also a big proponent of talk therapy. It's the essential tool of grief counseling, but ritual has that ability to move grievers as the crow flies. As I have said, it often works more effectively and expediently. This is not to discourage you from seeking out a good grief counselor; grief counseling is an excellent standard of care for anyone who needs more empathetic, in-depth, or targeted support than they're getting from their friends and family. But it is to say that you may be amazed by the power of ritual to help rev up your healing. What's more, a good grief counselor will also support incorporating ritual into your continued journey and may help you plan rituals or even facilitate them. Counseling and ritual can work synergistically.
So now that we have a better understanding of why ritual works (to the extent that it can be understood), it's time to talk about how ritual works.
CHAPTER 3How Rituals Work
* * *
We agreed in Chapter 1 that for purposes of this book, we would define "ritual" as actions that we perform in a certain way and in a certain sequence, for a purpose that has emotional and spiritual meaning and is greater than the sum of its sometimes banal parts. Again, rituals are something we do, not just with our bodies but with our whole selves. Rituals engage us physically, cognitively, emotionally, and spiritually — and in the case of group rituals, socially.
So far we've largely been discussing the power and purpose of ritual in general. In this chapter and the rest of the book, we'll be homing in more tightly on our topic: grief rituals. Together we'll review the components of grief rituals and what each component contributes to a ritual's power. But first let's take a quick look at another foundational grief principle I call the six needs of mourning.
The six needs of mourning
While each person's grief is unique, all grievers have six needs of mourning they must engage with throughout their journeys if they are to find their way to reconciliation and healing. I'm presenting them here because an awareness of the six needs will help you understand how grief rituals facilitate mourning.
Essentially, the six needs of mourning are the work of mourning. They require active participation. Part of the reason that grief rituals are so effective is that when we do them, we are choosing to actively engage with some or all of the six needs of mourning. We are making the life-affirming choice to heal, and we are acting on it.
MOURNING NEED 1: Acknowledge the reality of the death
When we are in grief, we have a need to fully acknowledge the reality of the death of someone loved, not only with our heads but with our hearts. Encountering this reality is challenging, to say the least, but also essential. Because they focus on the loss, grief rituals help us, slowly and over time, fully acknowledge the reality that someone we love will never be physically present to us again here on earth.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Grief Day by Day"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D..
Excerpted by permission of Center for Loss and Life Transition.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Introduction 1
Grief as a journey 2
Chapter 1 The Secret 5
What is ritual? 6
Chapter 2 Why Rituals Work 11
Chapter 3 How Rituals Work 17
The six needs of mourning 17
The ingredients of grief rituals 20
Chapter 4 Getting Ready for Ritual 23
Setting your intention 23
Using affirmations 24
Being present 24
Gathering symbols 25
Choosing a location 26
Working with a counselor or ritual specialist 27
Scheduling your rituals 27
Chapter 5 Personal Daily Grief Rituals at Home 29
Hello Ritual 30
The 10-Minute Grief Encounter Ritual 32
Sitting in Silence Ritual 34
Letter-Writing Ritual 36
Dear Grief Ritual 38
Photo Frame Ritual 40
Visualization Ritual 42
Certain Smells Ritual 44
Favorite Song Ritual 46
Anniversary Ritual 48
Prayer Beads Ritual 50
Forgiveness Ritual 52
Meditation Ritual 55
Breathing Ritual 57
Wailing Wall Ritual 59
Singing Bowl Ritual 61
Affirmation of Self Ritual 63
Becoming Ritual 66
Plant Your Garden Ritual 69
Hopes and Dreams Ritual 71
Divine Spark Ritual 73
Chapter 6 Personal Daily Grief Rituals Out and About 77
A Grief Walk Ritual 79
"Thin Places" Ritual 81
Sunrise Ritual 83
Stargazing Ritual 85
Water Ritual 87
Meaningful Place Ritual 90
Exile Ritual 92
Something That Scares You Ritual 95
Reconciliation Ritual 98
Create Your Own Grief Ritual 101
Chapter 7 Group Rituals for Healing in Grief 103
Love is a Flame Group Ritual 105
Group Memory Ritual 108
Dedication Ritual 111
A Spiritual Group Grief Ritual 114
Chapter 8 Reconciliation and Ritual 117
Signs of reconciliation 118
A Final Word 121