Healing Grief at Work: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Workplace Is Touched by Loss
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Healing Grief at Work: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Workplace Is Touched by Loss
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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781879651456 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Companion Press |
| Publication date: | 05/01/2005 |
| Series: | Healing Your Grieving Heart series , #1 |
| Pages: | 128 |
| Sales rank: | 833,136 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.39(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Healing Grief at Work
100 Practical Ideas After Your Workplace is Touched by Loss
By Alan D. Wolfelt
Center for Loss and Life Transition
Copyright © 2005 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-879651-45-6
CHAPTER 1
GENERAL PRINCIPLES
1.
ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THE WORKPLACE IS A GRIEVING PLACE.
• As with all significant transitions in life, the death of someone loved affects every part of your being. In grief, you are impacted physically, emotionally, cognitively, socially, and spiritually.
• During your workday, you are not a different person than you are outside of work. Yes, you may be good at concentrating on your work skills while you're at work (just as you're good at concentrating on being a parent when you're at home or on being an athlete when you're playing a sport), but you're still a many-faceted person with a rich past, present, and future.
• After a death, your grief is an important part of who you are. And who you are is, of course, an important part of your job. You cannot separate your grief from your work.
• Because of the very nature of grief, the workplace is a grieving place. Just as the workplace is a place for celebrating birthdays, commiserating about parenting issues, and sharing opinions about virtually everything, it's a place for grieving — and, I hope, for supporting each other in grief.
CARPE DIEM
Understand that to "heal" in grief means to become whole again, to integrate your grief into your self and to learn to continue your changed life with fullness and meaning. The workplace is not only a grieving place, it can and should be a healing place.
2.
OVERCOME DESTRUCTIVE MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT GRIEF AND MOURNING.
• You have probably internalized many of our society's harmful misconceptions about grief and mourning.
• Here are some to overcome:
* - Mourners need to be strong and carry on.
* - Tears are a sign of weakness.
* - People need to "get over" their grief.
* - The workplace isn't a place for sadness.
* - Death is something we don't talk about, especially at work.
* - If someone is grieving, the best thing to do is to leave him alone.
* - Time heals all wounds.
* - You can't help someone else with their grief.
• Sometimes these misconceptions will cause you to feel guilty about or ashamed of your true thoughts and feelings. Sometimes they cause you to back away from a friend in grief instead of reaching out to help.
• Grief is normal and necessary. Allow it to be what it is, and break through these misconceptions to help yourself as well as others in the workplace, at home, in your neighborhood — anywhere grief lives.
• For more on this topic, see the discussion of grief misconceptions at the end of this book.
CARPE DIEM
Which grief misconception do you identify with most strongly? Consider the ways in which you can help teach others about these destructive misconceptions.
3.
UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GRIEF AND MOURNING.
• Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone loved dies. Grief is the container for our experience of loss. This container is stored within us.
• Mourning is the outward expression of grief. It's taking our feelings of grief and giving them expression outside of ourselves.
• Everyone grieves when someone loved dies, but if we are to integrate the loss into our lives, we must also mourn.
• Many of the ideas in this book are intended to help you mourn a death or help someone you care about mourn a death. Over time, and with the support of others, to mourn is to heal.
• It is appropriate to mourn during the workday, for to not mourn is to sell out your soul. When you feel the need to, sporadically and in small doses, you should. This book will give you some ideas that will help you mourn effectively at work or support someone else who is mourning at work.
CARPE DIEM
Ask yourself this: In my life, have I not only grieved, but also mourned? How so?
4.
BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF STORY.
• A vital part of healing in grief is often "telling the story."
• When people are in mourning, they often feel the need to tell the story of the life and the death to others. It helps them acknowledge the reality of the death and begin the transition from life before the death to life after the death.
• At work, telling the story allows coworkers to be part of the story, too. In order to be supportive, everyone needs to know what has happened. But remember that not everyone will be able to be a compassionate listener. End-of-life stories are difficult to hear.
• Not all mourners want to talk about the death. Preferring privacy is OK, too, as long as the mourner isn't shutting others out altogether. Keeping thoughts and feelings about the death inside only makes them more powerful. Giving them voice allows some control over them.
• If you're supporting someone who's in mourning, respect the power of story. If the mourner wants to tell her story, listen without judgment. If she tends to repeat her story, try to be a patient and ongoing source of support.
CARPE DIEM
Today, make it a point to be a grief storyteller or a story-listener at work. Respect workplace boundaries while still opening up and sharing your life with someone you care about.
5.
RECOGNIZE THE EMOTIONS OF GRIEF.
• People in grief often experience a wide range of emotions.
• Some of the most common emotions in grief include:
* - shock and numbness
* - disorganization and confusion
* - anxiety and fear
* - explosive emotions, such as anger, blame and resentment
* - guilt and regret
* - sadness * - relief and release
• As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are common and they are true. They are what they are. No emotion is right or wrong, and all are deserving of attention and respect.
CARPE DIEM
Empathy is the art of entering into the emotional world of another person. Become a more empathetic person today by truly listening to someone else and making an effort to understand and feel compassion towards him.
6.
RECOGNIZE THE PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS OF GRIEF.
• When people are in grief, their bodies often take on some of the stress of the experience.
• This stress can lead to common bodily symptoms, such as:
* - troubles with sleeping
* - low energy
* - muscle aches and pains
* - shortness of breath
* - tightness in the throat or chest
* - digestive problems
* - heart palpitations
* - nausea
* - headaches
* - changes in appetite
* - weight loss or gain
• The "lethargy of grief" often causes mourners to feel exhausted and chronically low in energy.
• In addition, pre-existing or chronic health problems can become more pronounced during times of grief.
CARPE DIEM
Taking care of your body during times of stress is a good, proactive approach to helping yourself cope. Today, model healthy eating and exercise habits at work.
7.
RECOGNIZE THE COGNITIVE EFFECTS F GRIEF.
• Grief affects our ability to think, absorb information, make decisions and reason logically.
• Often, grief causes the mourners' minds to return to the circumstances of the death and the surreal reality of the death over and over again. At times it's as if they can't stop thinking about the loss.
• Even when they're not consciously thinking about the death, their subconscious minds can be absorbed with trying to acknowledge the new reality of life without the person who died.
• Mourners often struggle with short-term memory problems and have trouble making decisions. They also may seem confused and unable to pay attention.
• Cognitive difficulties such as these are normal and temporary. As time passes and as the mourner's grief needs are met, cognitive deficits will slowly reverse.
CARPE DIEM
Help someone who is mourning by putting it in writing. If the mourner is expected to complete a task, write down all the details for her.
8.
RECOGNIZE THE SOCIAL REPERCUSSIONS OF GRIEF.
• Grief is hard on everyone. It's not only hard on the mourner, but it can also be very hard on the mourner's family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, etc. because supporting others in grief is draining.
• When someone in your workplace is grieving, you may assume that his family and close friends are meeting his emotional needs. This often isn't true. Family and friends often avoid or abandon mourners because they are uncomfortable being in the presence of the painful process of grief.
• Many times friends and family don't know how to support the mourner so they instead do nothing. The worst thing you can do is nothing. Don't worry so much about what you should say or how you should say it. Just listen and be available.
• Some mourners isolate themselves in a misguided attempt to cope with their grief. It's true that a certain amount of withdrawal can be necessary to deal with the spiritual challenges of grief, but when the mourner over-isolates, he cuts off the very lifelines of social and emotional support that can save him.
CARPE DIEM
Stick together. Reach out to someone at work who needs your social support right now.
9.
RECOGNIZE THE SPIRITUAL NATURE OF GRIEF.
• At its most fundamental, grief is a spiritual journey. It results in the "dark night of the soul" — a profoundly defining period in which the mourner must wrestle with his beliefs about life and death.
• Why go on living? Why do people have to die? Why do we have to suffer so? What is the purpose of my life? Is there really a God and an afterlife? Will I see the person who died again? These are the sorts of questions that often consume the mourner's heart and soul.
• The mourner's work life may also be called into question. Am I doing the job I'm meant to do? Is my work meaningful? This sort of vocational questioning is normal and necessary. The more supported the mourner is at work, however, the more likely she will be to find continued meaning in her work life.
CARPE DIEM
Spend a few minutes jotting down your thoughts about what makes your work meaningful. How can you make it more meaningful?
10.
BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF.
• When a person experiences a death that is not openly acknowledged, publicly mourned and/or socially accepted, we say that her grief is "disenfranchised."
• Deaths from AIDS, suicide, and homicide often result in the disenfranchised grief of family and friends because society as a whole doesn't "accept" these deaths as readily.
• In the workplace, you might notice that some types of deaths are supported more easily than others. The death of a child, for example, might be acknowledged more openly than the death of a lover or an older parent.
• Remember that a mourner's grief is usually as strong as the mourner's attachment was to the person who died. This means that the grief following the death of a friend (or even a pet) can be as strong or stronger than the death of a family member, for example.
• All mourners need our support. Don't assume that certain types of losses are less painful or less meaningful than others. Don't let any sort of grief be disenfranchised in your workplace.
CARPE DIEM
Think for a few moments about who in your workplace might be suffering from disenfranchised grief. Today, make it a point to sit and visit with this person for a few minutes.
11.
UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING
Need #1: Acknowledge the reality of the death.
• Mourners must gently confront the difficult reality that someone they loved is dead and will never physically be present to them again.
• Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months.
• If you are in grief, you will first acknowledge the reality of the loss with your head. Only over time will you come to acknowledge it with your heart. As Stephen Levine has noted, "There are pains that cannot be contained in the mind, only in the heart."
• At times mourners push away the reality of the death. This is normal. They come to integrate the reality in doses as they are ready.
CARPE DIEM
If you are grieving, tell someone about the death today. Talking about it will help you work on this important need.
12.
UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING
Need #2: Embrace the pain of the loss.
• This need requires mourners to embrace the pain of their loss — something we naturally don't want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress or push away the pain of grief than it is to confront it.
• It is in embracing your grief, however, that you will learn to reconcile yourself to it.
• Mourners need to slowly — ever so slowly — "dose" themselves in embracing their pain. If they were to allow in all the pain at once, they could not survive.
• People with chronic pain are taught not to tighten around the pain but to relax and allow the pain to be present. When pain is resisted, it intensifies. You don't want to fight with your pain; you want to allow it into your soul in small doses so that eventually you can move from darkness into light.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Healing Grief at Work by Alan D. Wolfelt. Copyright © 2005 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Center for Loss and Life Transition.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Also by Alan Wolfelt,Title Page,
Copyright Page,
Dedication,
INTRODUCTION,
CREATING A CULTURE OF COMPASSION,
1. - ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THE WORKPLACE IS A GRIEVING PLACE.,
2. - OVERCOME DESTRUCTIVE MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT GRIEF AND MOURNING.,
3. - UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GRIEF AND MOURNING.,
4. - BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF STORY.,
5. - RECOGNIZE THE EMOTIONS OF GRIEF.,
6. - RECOGNIZE THE PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS OF GRIEF.,
7. - RECOGNIZE THE COGNITIVE EFFECTS OF GRIEF.,
8. - RECOGNIZE THE SOCIAL REPERCUSSIONS OF GRIEF.,
9. - RECOGNIZE THE SPIRITUAL NATURE OF GRIEF.,
10. - BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF.,
11. - UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING,
12. - UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING,
13. - UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING,
14. - UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING,
15. - UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING,
16. - UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING,
17. - KNOW THAT GRIEF DOES NOT PROCEED IN ORDERLY, PREDICTABLE "STAGES.",
18. - UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF RECONCILIATION.,
19. - KNOW THAT YOUR WORKPLACE IS FOREVER CHANGED.,
20. - LOOK FOR GROWTH IN GRIEF.,
WHEN SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT DIES,
21. - ALLOW FOR NUMBNESS.,
22. - BE COMPASSIONATE WITH YOURSELF.,
23. - TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF.,
24. - REACH OUT TO OTHERS FOR HELP.,
25. - IDENTIFY THREE PEOPLE AT WORK YOU CAN TURN TO ANYTIME YOU NEED A FRIEND.,
26. - KEEP A JOURNAL.,
27. - BE PROACTIVE IN YOUR JOURNEY THROUGH GRIEF.,
28. - DON'T EXPECT TO MOURN OR HEAL IN A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME.,
29. - EMBRACE THE UNIQUENESS OF YOUR GRIEF.,
30. - CRY.,
31. - EMBRACE YOUR SPIRITUALITY.,
32. - THINK OF YOUR GRIEF AS PART OF YOUR WORK.,
33. - STAY IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS.,
34. - DON'T TAKE ON ADDITIONAL STRESSES RIGHT NOW.,
35. - SPEND TIME ALONE.,
36. - SURROUND YOURSELF WITH MEMORIES.,
37. - UNDERSTAND THE ROLE OF LINKING OBJECTS.,
38. - LIGHT A CANDLE.,
39. - IGNORE HURTFUL ADVICE.,
40. - GET HELP WITH FINANCIAL STRESSES.,
41. - REACH OUT AND TOUCH.,
42. - WRITE A LETTER.,
43. - SEEK SUPPORT ON ANNIVERSARIES.,
44. - DON'T BE CAUGHT OFF GUARD BY "GRIEFBURSTS.",
45. - PRAY.,
46. - WRITE DOWN YOUR "SOMEDAY I'M GOING TO ..." LIST.,
47. - LAUGH.,
48. - SURF THE WEB.,
49. - THINK POSITIVE.,
50. - TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM.,
51. - SIMPLIFY YOUR LIFE.,
52. - BELIEVE IN THE CAPACITY TO HEAL.,
53. - START A SUPPORT GROUP AT WORK.,
54. - WALK AWAY.,
55. - GET AWAY FROM IT ALL.,
56. - BREATHE.,
57. - LISTEN TO THE MUSIC.,
58. - TALK TO A COUNSELOR.,
59. - TAKE A MINI-VACATION.,
60. - BELIEVE IN YOUR CAPACITY TO HEAL.,
WHEN YOU WANT TO HELP SOMEONE WHO'S GRIEVING,
61. - ASK HOW YOU CAN HELP.,
62. - GET COMFORTABLE WITH ACKNOWLEDGING GRIEF AT WORK.,
63. - PAY ATTENTION.,
64. - ATTEND THE FUNERAL.,
65. - HELP WITH DETAILS.,
66. - USE THE NAME OF THE PERSON WHO DIED.,
67. - SEND FLOWERS.,
68. - PLANT A GRIEF GARDEN.,
69. - ESTABLISH A MEMORIAL FUND IN THE NAME OF THE PERSON WHO DIED.,
70. - ORGANIZE A TREE PLANTING.,
71. - COORDINATE WORKPLACE SUPPORT FOR SOMEONE WHO'S GRIEVING.,
72. - WATCH FOR WARNING SIGNS.,
73. - BRIGHTEN UP YOUR FRIEND'S ENVIRONMENT.,
74. - DONATE A VACATION DAY.,
75. - JOIN TOGETHER.,
76. - DON'T FALL BACK ON CLICHÉS.,
77. - DO SAY THIS.,
78. - WEAR A SYMBOL OF SUPPORT.,
79. - MAKE A MEAL.,
80. - VISIT THE CEMETERY.,
81. - PASS AROUND A MEMORY BOOK.,
82. - PLAN A COMPANY-WIDE IN-SERVICE ON GRIEF.,
83. - LEAVE YOUR FRIEND ALONE.,
84. - EARLY ON, REFRAIN FROM RELATING STORIES ABOUT SIMILAR DEATHS.,
85. - HELP THE PERSON WHO'S MOURNING MOVE TOWARD HIS GRIEF, NOT AWAY FROM IT.,
86. - REMEMBER MOURNERS DURING THE HOLIDAYS.,
87. - LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGING.,
88. - UNDERSTAND WHY LISTENING CAN BE DIFFICULT.,
89. - FOLLOW UP AND FOLLOW THROUGH.,
90. - GIVE YOURSELF A HAND.,
WHEN THE WORKPLACE IS AFFECTED BY TRAUMATIC DEATH,
91. - ALWAYS ERR ON THE SIDE OF COMPASSION.,
92. - MAKE A PLAN.,
93. - REACH OUT FOR SUPPORT.,
94. - UNDERSTAND THE NATURE OF TRAUMATIC GRIEF.,
95. - CREATE A "MOURNING ROOM.",
96. - CREATE A MEMORIAL WALL.,
97. - PLAN A CEREMONY.,
98. - HOLD AN ANNUAL EVENT IN MEMORY OF THE PERSON (OR PEOPLE) WHO DIED.,
99. - START A FOUNDATION.,
100. - LEVERAGE YOUR NEWFOUND UNDERSTANDING.,
A FINAL WORD,
MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT GRIEF AT WORK,
THE MOURNER'S CODE,
SEND US YOUR IDEASE FOR HEALING GRIEF AT WORK!,
ALSO BY ALAN WOLFELT,