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Healing Your Grief When Disaster Strikes
100 Practical Ideas for Coping after a Tornado, Hurricane, Flood, Earthquake, Wildfire, or Other Natural Disaster
By Alan D. Wolfelt Center for Loss and Life Transition
Copyright © 2014 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-61722-211-5
CHAPTER 1
1.
UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE "TRAUMATIZED"
"I think anyone whose life has been turned upside down by a disaster has been traumatized."
— Nicol Andrews
• You've been traumatized by a natural disaster. The word "traumatize" comes from the Greek words meaning "wound" and "pierce." You have experienced, witnessed, and/or been touched by a powerful and violent act of nature, and your mind and soul have been wounded by the devastation.
• In this sense, the word "trauma" also refers to intense feelings of shock, fear, anxiety, and helplessness surrounding the event. Trauma is caused by events of such intensity or magnitude of horror or destruction that they would overwhelm any human being's capacity to cope.
• Sudden and violent natural disasters create a kind of psychic injury. Those who experience them are almost always left with frightening and often intrusive thoughts about the event itself as well as its aftermath. Your grief may naturally be complicated by the traumatic nature of the event.
• Remember — your grief is a normal response to an abnormal event.
CARPE DIEM
If you have been having frightening or intrusive thoughts about the natural disaster, share them with someone else today.
2.
FIRST, SEEK SAFETY AND COMFORT
"Anyone who says they're not afraid at the time of a hurricane is either a fool or a liar, or a little bit of both."
— Anderson Cooper
• After a traumatic experience, it's natural to feel vulnerable, unsafe, and anxious. Your nervous system is telling your brain that the world isn't a safe place right now. Something violent has happened and, your mind thinks (consciously or subconsciously), it could happen again.
• To overcome your trauma, you must locate yourself among people and in places that make you feel safe. If this means moving in with a friend or relative temporarily, that's OK. If this means avoiding certain places or people, that's OK, too.
• What calms and comforts you? Taking a walk? Cuddling with someone you love? Hugging your pet? Relaxing in the tub? Yoga or meditation or prayer? Identify activities that soothe you, and turn to them when your anxiety is high.
• You will not be able to mourn if you feel unsafe or overly anxious. Seek safety and comfort first; then you can begin to slowly embrace your grief.
CARPE DIEM
Let someone else take care of you today. It's normal and natural to need help with the activities of daily living in the early days and weeks after a traumatic experience.
3.
UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GRIEF AND MOURNING
"He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it."
— Turkish Proverb
• Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we experience after a significant loss. Grief is what we feel on the inside.
• Mourning is the outward expression of our grief. This includes the expression of any traumatic thoughts and feelings we might have.
• Everyone grieves after a traumatic experience, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.
• Many of the ideas in this book are intended to help you mourn your pain, to express your feelings of trauma and grief outside of yourself. Over time and with the support of others, to mourn is to heal.
• Remember that your grief will be uniquely shaped by the traumatic, violent nature of the natural disaster. You will need to be very self-compassionate and patient with yourself in the months and years to come. Give yourself the gift of time. While time alone doesn't heal wounds, healing does take time.
CARPE DIEM
Ask yourself this: Have I been mourning since the natural disaster, or have I restricted myself to grieving? In other words, have I been expressing my thoughts and feelings, or have I kept them inside?
4.
UNDERSTAND THAT GRIEF FOLLOWING TRAUMA CAN BE PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT
"Just as the body goes into shock after a physical trauma, so does the human psyche go into shock after the impact of a major loss."
— Anne Grant
• Not only have you and your community suffered a significant loss, but the experience was sudden and violent. The traumatic nature of the disaster will likely make your grief journey especially painful.
• As we've said, grief is the collection of thoughts and feelings you have on the inside after a loss. This includes the thoughts and feelings you have about the day(s) of the disaster itself. Because the disaster was sudden and violent, this aspect of your grief may consume most of your energies, especially in the early weeks and months following the disaster.
• Even much later, after you've come to terms with the experience itself, it will always be a significant part of your grief.
• Remember that just as your feelings of grief need to be expressed, so do your feelings of trauma. Your trauma is part of your grief and also needs to be mourned.
• Keep in mind that "healing" your trauma loss and "curing" your trauma loss are two different concepts. Healing is an active emotional and spiritual process in which you seek to be whole again. Curing is a medical term that implies that someone or something outside of you rids you of your grief. Your grief cannot be "cured"; it will always live inside you.
CARPE DIEM
Find a trusted friend with whom to discuss the difference between "healing" and "curing."
5.
ALLOW FOR NUMBNESS
"Whenever an earthquake or tsunami takes thousands of innocent lives, a shocked world talks of little else."
— Anne M. Mulcahy
• Feelings of shock, numbness, and disbelief are nature's way of temporarily protecting us from the full reality of a sudden, violent experience. They help us survive our early grief.
• We often think, "I will wake up and this will not have happened." Mourning can feel like being in a dream.
• Your emotions need time to catch up with what your mind has experienced or been told.
• Even after you have moved beyond these initial feelings of shock and disbelief, don't be surprised if they re-emerge. Holidays, anniversaries, and other significant occasions often trigger these normal and necessary feelings.
• Trauma loss often goes beyond what we consider "normal" shock. In fact, you may experience what is called "psychic numbing" — the deadening or shutting off of emotions. Your sense that "this isn't happening to me" may persist for months, sometimes even years. Don't set rigid expectations for yourself and your ability to function "normally" in the world around you.
• Think of shock and numbness as a bandage that your psyche has placed over your wound. The bandage protects the wound until it has become less open and raw. Only after healing has begun and a scab forms can the bandage be removed and the wound openly exposed to the world.
CARPE DIEM
If you're feeling numb, cancel any commitments that require concentration and decision-making. Allow yourself time to regroup.
6.
CONSIDER YOURSELF IN "EMOTIONAL INTENSIVE CARE"
"When you've experienced a disaster, you'll likely be overwhelmed with everything you'll have to deal with in rebuilding your life."
— Lynn Lawrance
• Something catastrophic has happened. Something assaulting to the very core of your being. Something excruciatingly painful.
• Your spirit has been deeply injured. Just as your body could not recover immediately after a serious injury, neither can your psyche.
• Imagine that you've suffered a severe physical injury and are in your hospital's intensive care unit. Your friends and family surround you with their presence and love. The medical staff attends to you constantly. Your body rests and recovers.
• This is the kind of care you need and deserve right now. The blow you have suffered is no less devastating than this imagined physical injury. Allow others to take care of you. Ask for help. Get as much rest as possible. Take time off work. Let household chores slide. IIn the early weeks an months after the disaster, don't expect — indeed, don't try — to carry on with your normal routine.
• If your home was damaged by the disaster and you have no choice but to complete insurance and/or Federal Emergency Management Administration (FEMA) paperwork and begin the draining process of relocating and rebuilding, ask for help. Ask a friend or family member who was not affected by the disaster but who is good at administrative tasks to help you with the process.
CARPE DIEM
Close your eyes and imagine yourself in "emotional intensive care." Where are you? What kind of care are you receiving? From whom? Arrange a weekend or a week of the emotional and spiritual intensive care you most need.
7.
INVENTORY YOUR LOSSES
"You really don't feel disasters like these until it hits home."
— Charles Scott
• Natural disasters subject us to loss of many kinds. You may have lost your home. You may have lost some or all of your belongings. You may even have experienced the loss of someone close to you.
• Yet even when your home, your belongings, and the people you know were not physically harmed, you have been emotionally and spiritually affected.
• What have you lost as a result of the natural disaster? If not totally lost, what has been negatively impacted or harmed? Your job? Special places in your community? Your feeling of safety and security? Your understanding of how the world works?
• Also consider not just what you have already lost but what perhaps you fear losing in the future. Are you afraid of future natural disasters and what might happen to you and those you care about? Are you anxious about future financial repercussions or other unknowns? Explore this idea as well.
CARPE DIEM
Write a list of all the things that you have lost or fear losing as a result of the natural disaster. Invite someone else affected by the disaster to do the same, then share your lists over coffee and conversation.
8.
BE AWARE OF THE RISKS
"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."
— Laurell K. Hamilton
• For those most closely affected by the natural disaster, the psychological impact of the event can be serious and may linger for years.
• Natural disasters can be so traumatic to the human psyche that people who were formerly functioning well can begin to experience significant emotional and mental health problems. This does not happen to everyone, of course, but you should be aware that people who experience natural disaster trauma up close are more likely to divorce, suffer domestic abuse, commit suicide, abuse alcohol and drugs, and have economic problems. Keep in mind that these are risks — not certainties. Don't expect these things to happen to you or those you love. Simply be aware of the possibility.
• If you begin to notice such problems in yourself or others, take this as a sign that more help is needed. Don't shame yourself if this is the case. You have experienced a violent, traumatic event. Of course you need help! I am a trained therapist, but after our home burned down, I, too, needed to get support and counsel.
CARPE DIEM
If you are struggling or know someone who is, make an appointment with a counselor today.
9.
ALLOW YOURSELF A TIME OF LIMBO
"Limbo is the state where there are only questions."
— David Levithan
• After a natural disaster, many families are forced to live in limbo for weeks or months. Those who are displaced from their homes must find a new place to live and, at the same time, deal with the wreckage of their former homes. After our house fire, my family was displaced for 18 months.
• But even if your home was not destroyed, you have probably noticed that you and likely your whole community are feeling lost right now.
• It's normal to live in limbo for a time after a traumatic loss or experience. I also call it living in "liminal space."
• "Limina" is the Latin word for threshold, the space betwixt and between. When you are in liminal space, you are not busily and unthinkingly going about your daily life. Neither are you living from a place of assuredness about your relationships and beliefs. Instead, you are unsettled. Both your mindless daily routine and your core beliefs have been shaken, forcing you to reconsider who you are, why you're here, and what life means.
• It's uncomfortable being in liminal space, but that's where grief takes you. Without grief, you wouldn't go there. But it is only in liminal space that you can reconstruct your shattered worldview and reemerge as the transformed you that is ready to live and love fully again.
CARPE DIEM
Even as you try to re-establish daily routines, you will still feel the unsettledness of liminal space after a natural disaster. Today, use a moment of your unsettledness to try something you've always wanted to try but never had the courage or opportunity to before.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Healing Your Grief When Disaster Strikes by Alan D. Wolfelt. Copyright © 2014 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Center for Loss and Life Transition.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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