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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781504313865 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Balboa Press AU |
| Publication date: | 09/10/2018 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 260 |
| File size: | 329 KB |
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Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Childhood Dreams
A strong gusting southerly wind whipped and whistled through ancient trees anchored on a seven-acre property nestled in a country township in Australia. A little boy, aged five, stood on the back porch of his family home. He was dressed like an urchin with dirt smeared across his face and shirt. Yet, this little boy was strong, he possessed the heart of a true warrior.
His destiny was whispered in haunting tones that arose within the symphony of the whistling wind. But he didn't hear the melody, the symphony's call. His mind was preoccupied with other things. A small container of food and water was added to his backpack. The food and water contained the nourishment he needed for his body but not for his soul. The little warrior slipped into his sneakers and stepped off the porch to begin his daily trek.
Tiny fingers gently brushed over tall golden blades of grass burnt dark gold in the scorching sun. To his delight they were dancing and swaying in the breeze. No one was taking care of this little boy. He swirled around with wild abandonment as magic filled the air. This was the kind of magic that only little boys can only hear when they feel disconnected from love.
To discover and explore the majesty of the land was his life purpose and the secrets it contained filled his world with wonderment and joy. He loved his daily walks with Sam, his beloved dog and trusted companion. These treks were also his saving grace. The land contained majestic hay castles and playgrounds that encouraged him to explore. Without knowing how or why, he knew he was protected from the numerous dangers in nature that roamed around him. But he felt so terribly frightened and alone regarding the uncertainties of life.
Five years passed. Today was a special day. Or, it should have been. Looking into the dark pool of the mirror's reflection, he saw a stranger staring back. Luminous dark chocolate eyes peered from beneath silky black eyelashes. Black curly hair framed a beautiful face. His family members had declared, on previous occasions, that he was much too pretty to be a boy. Today was his tenth birthday. But he didn't feel much like celebrating. He wasn't sure if anyone would remember or care anyway. After a quick wash, he ventured downstairs for breakfast. There was no one to greet him, just the empty stillness that he had become accustomed to. He found no birthday present or card, nor cake with candles to commemorate his special day. He preferred to be alone anyway.
He grabbed an apple from the bowl on the table as he made his way outside and whistled for Sam. The back door closed with a loud bang behind him. He ran wildly into the forest, his mind racing. This little boy carried a secret. A terrible secret that would accompany him from childhood into adulthood. Red hot anger seethed deep inside him, chipping away at his innocence one betrayal at a time. But he was strong, he possessed the heart of a true warrior.
Nature was his true home, where he felt peace and the perfection of life. He often marvelled at the glory of nature and how it unfolded so effortlessly. Watching caterpillars morphing into butterflies and tadpoles into frogs reminded him that everything changes and evolves. The exploration of the land captured his true essence and found a home in the inner sanctum of his heart. He would spend hours scouring around native trees that held the secrets of nature's balance in the rhythm of life. Often, he would gather daisies and make daisy chains as he sat on the river bank eating his lunch. There was an innocence in his creative play, but innocence was a state of being that he could no longer feel within himself. He just felt unclean and alone.
After he trekked around the property all day, twilight silently crept in like a stranger calling. It signalled that it was time to go home. This thought filled his heart with dread. It meant looking into his mother's eyes knowing that their deep dark secret held them in bondage and fear. The bondage that it would happen again and the fear that he would have to endure it.
Mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse was an integral part of this boy's life. It lay hidden, secretly festering behind closed doors. It was never discussed, acknowledged or healed. How can anyone heal what they don't understand? This boy was unable to ascertain which part of the torture he loathed the most. Whether it was the beatings carried out by his step-father or the betrayal of sexual abuse he endured from his mother and the innocence that was stolen. So often he lay awake at night pondering his life and why the people he trusted the most were hurting him. "Why isn't anyone looking after me? I'm a child, why do I need to endure this shocking life?" In the deep silence of a child's pain-filled heart, no answers came to mind as he succumbed again to a restless sleep in another seemingly endless pitch-black night.
Anger, self-loathing, fear, resentment and rage bore into John's heart. He had endured the roundabout of endless suffering during childhood and had reached adulthood by default. This was how it seemed to him. Perhaps it was sheer luck or extreme determination to beat the odds. But the abuse had left deep unhealed scars, battle wounds that wearied his soul. John didn't want to, but he knew that it was time to be honest. Earlier in the day, he had opened the locked draw and retrieved the journal he had kept secretly hidden away. Reading it didn't give him peace or solace but he knew what he needed to do. John was in love with his best friend Tala and he knew that it was time to tell her the truth.
CHAPTER 2Reflections
John was a survivor of physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse. He often repeats these words to himself but wishes they weren't true. As memories filter through his mind, honest reflections bubble to the surface. The discovery of the painful side of love has left him feeling deep anger and sadness. Inevitably, he had to live with the reality that his life hasn't turned out exactly as he had planned.
Love is eternal, so they say. The dance of love flickers and glows like a moth that is drawn to a flame. The synergy of our accumulated life experiences is born to create change within us. John lies awake thinking about where life has taken him. His fragmented life reveals itself in puzzle pieces. Once dormant, they are now scattered like silken ashes aimlessly swirling in the wind. Hidden secrets of abuse have lain dormant in his heart, stored in the intricate, hidden passage of time. Painful memories have been stuffed inside the walls of his shattered emotions.
John can honestly say that he didn't feel he was loved when he was growing up. It has been said that love's experiences ultimately present us with two possibilities. The first is the freedom to express ourselves fully. This is contained in love's nurture and care of giving and receiving. There is freedom to grow in this first discovery. Our hidden talents, gifts and abilities come to the fore to showcase who we truly are. Then we have the freedom to express ourselves fully and unconditionally to another person.
The second possibility reveals a path that hides our true self in the dark side of an unbearable reality of abuse. It is here that we became less than we should. The fear of love lures us into the sticky shadowy side of pain. A living hell ensues that inevitably reveals deep, raw emotional suffering.
The difficult life experiences and relationships we endure can be very tricky to navigate as they are fraught with dangers that lurk unseen. To understand the mysteries of the human heart is the key we need to end pain and suffering. We are then offered the opportunity to heal, to understand healthy relationships and to move on with clarity and renewed purpose.
At this stage in his life, John had to accept the choices he had made. Disempowered and disconnected to love and life is how he felt most of the time. A part of him wants to heal, yet the hidden traumatised part of him just wants to forget the hell he has lived. And so, that's exactly what he does. He buries the memories and blocks out the pain and shame. For him, it's easier that way. He tells himself it's all that he can do.
CHAPTER 3Love Don't Live Here Anymore
Tala's Diary: The festive season celebrations were just days away and the New Year was approaching. I don't believe in making resolutions. They are just promises I will break in the end, half-truths, I tell myself. My mobile phone rang breaking the silence of my reverie. I felt slightly annoyed that someone wanted my attention but, thinking it could be important, I placed my cup of tea down on the table and answered the call.
At the sound of John's voice, I felt so joyous and happy. We talked for some time and while on the surface he seemed fine, I sensed he had something on his mind. Small talk and pleasant conversation ensued until I couldn't stand the pretence any longer.
"John, are you okay?" I asked.
"Tala, I'm fine," he replied with a tinge of sadness in his voice. He hesitated for a moment before saying, "Tala, I would like to ask you a favour. I have written my thoughts and feelings in a journal and I would like you to read it when you have time."
I thought about it for a moment. John was asking for my help so I concluded that it must be important. I agreed to read his diary and we organised to meet the following day.
John arrived early the next morning and gave me his diary. I cleared my schedule and retreated to my meditation room so I wouldn't be disturbed. Sipping a cup of peppermint tea, I picked up John's journal and opened it. Slowly, I began to read his thoughts and feelings.
John's Diary: Tala is the woman who has captured my heart and soul. I feel so many conflicting emotions. There is only one way to handle the all too familiar pain of hurt and suffering I have become accustomed to so I walked across to the kitchen bench and retrieved my gardening gloves and headed out the back door. Nature, my sacred forest, was calling me.
Too many memories, too many thoughts come flooding in all at once. It was like watching wind-blown surf crashing on a wild sandy beach. Tala has captured my heart, there's no doubt in my mind, but I can't tell her how I really feel. I don't know the right words to say, to tell her that I've never felt this way about a woman before. So, I don't say anything. I don't reveal it; I can't be vulnerable. It's so easy to run and hide from my feelings. I'm not worthy of Tala. I tell myself the same fearful story every day.
As I nurture and care for the forest of native trees I have planted and cultivated with my own hands, I recalled the early days of my childhood and the horrendous pain I endured as my mother and step-father abused my innocence and trust. While I was enduring the abuse, something inside me died and my heart turned inward to find solace in a dark, unlovable place. I don't tell people about my dark secret so I pretend I'm okay, that I'm just like everyone else. It's when I'm alone that I remember. It's when I'm swamped and smothered that the negative, dark thoughts and feelings arise. And I know I'm a man, but sometimes I cry.
As I sit here writing my thoughts and feelings, I recall my life as a young man. During my early twenties, I had sex with women but connecting to my emotions and confessing abiding love wasn't on my agenda! By the time I reached my early thirties I had discovered a lot about women but not too much about myself or love. It's sad to say, but I left a few broken hearts behind.
My life progressed in a mundane way. I wasn't particularly happy or sad, I just felt numb most of the time. The week I celebrated my 35th birthday was a major turning point in my life. I hadn't fulfilled any great life purpose so on the spur of the moment I sold my possessions, withdrew all the money I had saved and bought an airline ticket to South East Asia. To some degree this trip helped to awaken something inside me but it wasn't the profound experience I had hoped for. However, I did mature. Slowly, I began to rebuild my life. I wanted to be a good, decent person. It was during this time I met my wife.
While I was travelling in Asia, my step-father died and on my return home, I was informed that I had been bequeathed a large inheritance. The money didn't fill the hole in my heart or heal the pain in my soul, but it did allow me to follow my life direction and I decided to broaden my horizons with travel.
Within a year I had booked a flight to New York, happy at the thought of creating new memorable experiences. On the third day of the trip, the tour bus arrived early to begin a day of sight-seeing in New York and I found myself seated next to an amazing woman called Anna. She was an Italian girl, a budding writer who was visiting New York for a month.
As soon as we met sparks flew, the connection was immediate. I know I fell in love with her mind. Anna was an intelligent, lovely woman. I hadn't felt this alive in a long time. During the next few weeks we spent most of our time together, getting to know each other. All too soon it was time to say goodbye. A lump formed in my throat as we hugged at the airport. We exchanged phone numbers and promised to keep in contact.
During the next twelve months, Anna and I had become great friends. The slow ember of love was simmering between us. I moved to South Australia to start a new company with the money I had inherited from my step-father and Anna and I began a long-distance relationship. We travelled back and forth between Italy and South Australia until we could arrange a visa for Anna so we could get married.
Within a few years Anna moved to Australia to live. As soon as we were married and began living together, I discovered that Anna had a quick, fiery temper. During the first year of our marriage we had blazing arguments that left me shattered and exhausted. Pride and tiredness kept me from seeing the reality of the difficult life ahead of me. I didn't want to face the truth and look at the issues we needed to address. But I think I was completely fed up and tired of living alone. Anna and I discussed divorce but decided against it. Consequently, we stayed married and endured a stormy emotional life together. It was easier that way and I wouldn't have to make an effort to heal.
Sadly, as the next few years passed, Anna stopped wanting to make love. The intimacy in our marriage ended. More anger and resentment seethed within my heart. I was only thirty-nine years old, still a young man with needs and desires and I still wanted to make love to my wife. What am I supposed to do to fulfil my sexual needs? I pondered on the dark lonely nights as I lay in our bed unable to touch the woman I loved. This was a different kind of suffering and her rejection hurt my heart even more. Small health issues appeared which I chose to ignore. Eventually, I sought medical assistance and my local GP suggested I visit a counsellor. My counsellor suggested that I learn to meditate and journal my feelings and thoughts. For a few months, I tried to meditate but found it was too difficult to quieten my mind so, instead, I found the time to journal and I planted flowers and trees in my garden. My garden grew so much that I turned the lush acreage into a forest. Spending time there, nurturing my garden kept me from going insane.
They say that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure I believe that's true, but something wonderful happened when I least expected it. Tala walked into my office on a bright summer day. A weird feeling started hammering in my chest. It was both confronting and exciting at the same time. We spoke for a considerable length of time and discovered that we had mutual friends. Within a few weeks we were attending the same social events and getting to know each other.
Very soon a connection and attraction developed between us. We shared many common interests and life philosophies. Friendship with Tala was effortless and lots of fun. I considered my feelings about her for a long time and gave the situation a great deal of thought but eventually, I decided that I didn't want to leave my marriage and the safe way I now lived my life. I had settled and it felt comfortable. Anna was known to me, whereas, I was still getting to know Tala. Also, I wasn't prepared to leave my comfort zone.
During the next few years Tala dated other men and I sat on the sidelines feeling jealousy sear my heart whenever she was in another man's company. I felt absolute relief when her relationships ended. I knew I was being selfish, but I didn't tell her how I felt. Love scared me, my feelings scared me. It suited me not to talk about them.
My thoughts return to the now and a searing pain thumps at my chest. I chide myself for being selfishly indulgent. I decide that I won't allow myself to feel the depth of love I have stored in my heart for Tala. It's best that way. My wife needs me and I am content to stay where I am. Love won't hurt me anymore.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Heaven On Earth Begins"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Tala Scott.
Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Dedication, v,
Preface, xi,
Introduction, xiii,
Prologue, xvii,
Stage 1: Karmic Contract – Mr Grey, 1,
Chapter 1: Childhood Dreams, 3,
Chapter 2: Reflections, 7,
Chapter 3: Love Don't Live Here Anymore, 9,
Summary – 1st Stage, 16,
Stage 2: Soul Mate – Mr McDreamy, 21,
Chapter 4: Doctor Love, 23,
Chapter 5: Well Made Plans, 27,
Chapter 6: Loving Friends, 29,
Chapter 7: Facets of Love, 35,
Chapter 8: First Facet, 41,
Chapter 9: Second Facet, 47,
Chapter 10: Third Facet, 53,
Summary – 2nd Stage, 59,
Stage 3: Heart Soul – Mr Unavailable, 61,
Chapter 11: My Lucky Stars, 63,
Chapter 12: Breakfast at T's, 69,
Chapter 13: Then I Saw His Face, 75,
Chapter 14: Facing the Truth, 79,
Chapter 15: Soul Sisters, 81,
Chapter 16: Loving Presence, 87,
Chapter 17: Guitar Man, 93,
Summary – 3rd Stage, 104,
Stage 4: Twin Soul – Mr Upgrade, 107,
Chapter 18: New Heights, 109,
Chapter 19: Helping Hand, 115,
Chapter 20: Rainforest, 123,
Chapter 21: Healing Retreat, 129,
Chapter 22: The Three of Us, 143,
Summary – 4th Stage, 162,
Stage 5: Heart Flame – Mr Variety, 167,
Chapter 23: Colours of Love, 171,
Chapter 24: New Horizons, 183,
Summary – 5th Stage, 189,
Stage 6: Twin Flame – Mr Duality, 193,
Chapter 25: Paradise Found, 197,
Summary – 6th Stage, 207,
Stage 7: Divine Union – Mr Darcy, 211,
Chapter 26: Through the Looking Glass, 213,
Chapter 27: The Omega Connection, 217,
Summary – 7th Stage, 228,
Love Divine, 233,