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HOTT FLASH
The Adventures of a 50-Year-Old Superhero
By Julie Ray Balboa Press
Copyright © 2013 Julie Ray
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-8435-5
CHAPTER 1
Hello!
They say that with age comes wisdom. Well, it's more like with age comes aches, pains, fatigue, memory loss, weight gain, increased gas, decreased bladder control, and—oh yes—my favorite: The Ma'am. The Ma'am is what many women fear the most. One day you're a Miss, then maybe you're a Mrs., or a Ms., but the dreaded day comes when someone much younger than you calls you Ma'am. You have now become the old lady in the room.
My name is Isabella Malone (Ella for short), and thanks to the cute and perky little checker at the grocery store earlier today, I have become the old lady in the room. You might be saying to yourself, "Wow! This lady sounds like she got up on the wrong side of the bed!" More like the wrong side of the hill! You see, I'll be turning fifty tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to it about as much as I am to my annual women's wellness exam.
Where have all the years gone? Just last week, I was twenty and having the time of my life, with my only concern being what to wear on my big date ...
Fifty ... Darn.
And Away We Go
It's the morning of May 5 and I open my eyes—hey, I'm alive! I'm fifty, but I'm alive! Can I move? Yes. Do I still have all my original parts? Yes. (At least all of the important ones!)
Whew! I made it to another milestone.
I decide that I should probably get out of bed and start my day. I don't have anywhere I need to go, since I've been retired—I really can't stand that word because it makes me feel so old—for the past five or so months. My ex and I sold our business after the divorce, and I just haven't found anything else I want to do now to make money. I have the house to myself since my husband, Pete, or "Big Pete" as everyone calls him, decided that he wanted to trade me in for a newer model and left unexpectedly last year.
At first, I felt lost because so much of my identity was tied to my kids and my husband. When my kids flew the coop, I had Pete to comfort me and make me feel safe. Then he left and a feeling of insecurity came over me that took forever to get rid of. Without my friends and family, I'm not sure how I would have ended up. Thankfully, I found out that I am a whole person with hopes and dreams. For the first time in my adult life, I'm able to take care of my needs and wants. I discovered things about myself that I'm not sure I would've been able to as a wife.
I look at Pete's leaving as an unexpected gift. I got myself, and he got a twenty-eight-year-old bartender-slash-actress. I think I got the better deal!
I get out of bed, and while washing my hair in the shower, I think back more on my life.
I came from a modest background. My parents taught me that you have to work hard and smart for what you want in life. They didn't have the money to help pay for my college, so I managed, with the help of a partial scholarship and a full-time job, to earn my business degree.
I met Pete during my junior year of college. He was everything I never knew I wanted in a man. He was this big hulk of a guy who, of course, was on the football team. We dated for two years, and after the NFL drafted him right after graduation, we got married. We lived in several big cities over the next few years, and along the way, I became pregnant with my daughter, Maggie.
Maggie is twenty-six now and lives about a half an hour away from me in Houston. She owns a very successful beauty spa in the upscale neighborhood of River Oaks. She's also a very talented feng shui consultant and does consultations on the side. She says that she does what she does so that she can help people feel good about themselves and their surroundings. What a good girl!
My son, Michael, is twenty-four. He lives in Houston too. At twenty-three, he invented a device that has brought him top recognition in the world of science. He has since invented and developed things that have gone up in space and have helped our military. Despite all of this, he's a down-to-earth young man with a great sense of humor and an amazing sense of honor to the community.
He donates a lot of his money to The Muscular Dystrophy Association. This is because when he and Maggie were little kids, we encouraged them to watch the Jerry Lewis Telethon every year, to show them how fortunate they were to have their health and that it's everyone's duty to help others. My kids started collecting coins for Jerry's Kids back then and have continued to this day. I love my kids. (Smile.)
I step out of the shower and start toweling off, and that's when suddenly something doesn't feel right. I should say that my face doesn't feel right. I reach up to touch my chin ... What the heck?! I run to the mirror, and to my utter horror, I see that I have a beard! A thick mass of quill-like, inch-long auburn hair is running from ear to ear!
Oh my gosh! What's going on? A beard! I know I didn't wake up with one, and I sure as heck didn't go to sleep with one. Am I crazy? No, I don't think so, although I am carrying on a pretty long conversation with myself and for a brief time I used to wear gaucho pants ... But this is real!
I start to feel faint. I don't know what to do!
I call my doctor's office. While the phone is ringing, I try to get a hold of myself.
The receptionist answers the phone and says, "Clark's Clinic. How may I help you?"
"Is Dr. Clark available for a quick question?" I ask.
"Dr. Clark's with a patient. Would you like to leave a message?"
Ummm ... what to say? "Could you have him call Ella Malone as soon as he can please?"
"I will give him the message. It looks like it will be about an hour before he has free time."
"Thank you so much," I say and then hang up. Click.
Okay, an hour. Get dressed, eat, and try to forget about the forest growing on your chin.
The phone rings forty-five minutes later. I jump to answer it. "Hello?"
"Hi, Mom, it's Maggie. Happy birthday!"
"Thank you, honey, but can I call you back in a bit?"
"Sure, are you all right?"
"Oh yes, I was just in the middle of something."
"Okay. Well, see you at dinner tonight. Love you."
"You too." Click.
The phone rings again. "Happy birthday, Mom!"
"Hi, Michael, sweetheart. Can I call you back later?"
"Is everything okay?" he asks.
"Everything is fine. Just in the middle of something."
"Okay, love you. 'Bye, Mom."
"Love you too, Michael." Click.
The phone rings. Thankfully, it's Dr. Clark.
"Oh Dr. Clark, thank you for returning my call! I've had something very strange happen to me today."
"What seems to be the problem?" says Dr. Clark in his most official-sounding doctor voice.
"Well," I say, "I went into the shower today, a normal woman. I came out with a beard!"
"What?" he says.
I explain what happened. He says, "Well, you know, Mrs. Malone, at your age, extreme facial hair is normal, due to the onset of meno—"
"Don't say it!" I say, not wanting to hear how his sentence ended.
"I would suggest that if you're uncomfortable with your facial hair, then maybe you should look into electrolysis," he says. It's clear that he wants to move away from this call and to his next patient with real health concerns.
"What about how quickly the hair showed up? It's not normal?" I say, looking at my reflection in the mirror. I realize with a start that I bear an uncanny resemblance to my crazy Uncle Otto.
"That hair was probably always there, Isabella. You just didn't notice it until today. I need to get back to my other patients. You take care now." Click.
Oh boy ...
All right. I need to do something. Scissors! I'll cut as much off as I can, then call my daughter and beg her to make a house call with her electrolysis machine. (Thankfully, she has one.)
I go find a pair of scissors and position myself in front of the bathroom mirror. I open the scissors and then close them on a few hairs. The scissors can't cut through them! It's like trying to cut steel cables with a plastic spoon!
What in the world is going on here? Have I completely lost my mind and just don't know it?
I pick up the phone and call Maggie.
"Hi, Mom."
"How did you know it's me?" I ask, feeling stranger and stranger by the minute.
"Caller ID, Mom. Are you sure you're okay?" she asks, sounding worried.
"As a matter-of-fact, no. Is there any way that you could come to the house as soon as possible and bring your electrolysis machine with you?"
"What the—"
I cut her off and say, "You'll find out when you get here." Click.
It Started in the Shower
Maggie arrives two hours later with her equipment in tow.
I answer the door with a towel in front of my face.
"Okay, Mom, what's with all the secrecy?" I step aside to let her come in then remove the towel. She starts laughing. Not the response I expected. "You look like Uncle Otto! Good joke. Now why am I really here?"
I take her hand and put it on my beard. She stops laughing.
"Pull it," I say.
She gives it a tug and jumps back with her green eyes as wide as saucers. "Mom, what's going on? That feels and looks ..."
"Real?" I say.
"Yes," she squeaks out.
"It is real! I went into the shower chin-hair free but came out of the shower with a full, prickly beard. Dr. Clark told me that I probably already had it but that I just didn't notice it until now."
"Well, did he see it?' she asks, staring at my chin nest.
"No, it was over the phone. I really don't want to go out looking like this. It's bad enough that I'm an old lady today. Now I'm a bearded old lady!" I start crying. I can't help it.
"Let's get you to your bed, then I'm going to take care of this craziness," she says, leading me into my bedroom.
I lie down, and a few minutes later, she comes in with her machine in tow.
"Okay, just relax," she says while flipping a switch. She has the instrument in her hand and is going toward my chin with a look of fierce determination. As soon as she touches my face, I get scared and tense up. I've never had this machine used on me, and I'm jumpy anyway today.
All of the sudden, she stops and turns the machine off. I look at her. She looks at me and then puts a mirror in front of my face. I take it from her because she's got it too close and I can't see a damn thing. I hold the mirror farther away and look to find a beard-free me.
"It just sucked right up into your skin as soon as I touched you!" My daughter looks perplexed and excited all at once. "Tell me again. When did the hair show up?"
"It showed up during my shower," I say.
"Okay, maybe we should retrace your steps. The hair is gone, but I want to make sure this won't happen to you again. Would you mind taking another shower?" she says, already on her way to the bathroom.
"All right," I say, pulling out a tank top and a pair of shorts.
Into the shower I go. I'm so happy to be beard free, and the water feels so nice on my face. Then I feel it—a strangeness in my face!
"It's coming back!" yells Maggie.
"Oh no! I was so happy just now," I say.
Maggie already has her machine ready to use on me. As she touches it to my face, I jump, and poof! The hair retracts again. "Fascinating. Mom, it seems that when you're relaxed, the hair comes out, but when you're tense, it retracts."
"Well, I was pretty much tense all morning after I discovered the hair on my chinny chin chin. Why didn't it go away then?" I ask, feeling a little angry and not expecting her to have an answer.
"I believe that it's because you weren't focused. As soon as I turned on my machine, it had your undivided attention, so your tension had a focus, giving it more power. Same as when it appeared, you were in the shower focusing on taking a shower." She looks very pleased with herself. "I'd like to try one more thing if you're up to it."
"What is it?" I ask, feeling utterly strange.
"I'd like for you to close your eyes and think about something that makes you feel happy and relaxed. Concentrate hard, Mom."
I close my eyes and think about a comfy recliner, a good book, and a cat curled up on my lap.
"Here it comes again. Okay, hold on ..."
The next thing I know, I hear a snap and feel a sting on my wrist.
"What the ..." I open my eyes and see Maggie standing there while triumphantly holding a rubber band.
Between the two of us, we determine that I have to figure out how to stay focused and stressed to keep the hair away, until we find out what the heck is going on. As the day has been progressing, a feeling of anger has been slowly creeping into the background of my mind, so I don't think that I will have to worry about the stress. My daughter recommends keeping a rubber band on my wrist, so that I can have a focus. (I stick a handful of them in my purse just to be safe.)
Maggie has to get back to work, and I assure her that I'll be all right for the next hour by myself, until I have to pick up my parents at the airport.
My parents are flying in from Sedona, Arizona, for my big birthday. They moved there from Wyoming when I was away at college. They said they liked the "vibe" of Sedona after going there once on vacation.
They are quite a pair! My mother, Jade, is seventy years old but looks and acts my age. She's a very talented artist who paints, does pottery, and makes jewelry. Then there's my seventy-three-year-old father, Tom. He makes jewelry too, and he's a musician who has a weekly gig playing his violin at the local Elks Lodge. They were childhood sweethearts who, to this day, are each other's best friends.
I arrive at the airport and spot my parents right away. My mother is wearing a turquoise blouse with red pants that are almost the same shade of red as her hair. My father is a little over six feet tall with a full head of white hair. They are standing next to a group of people and being their usual friendly selves. I can tell that my father probably just told a joke, because he has a look of satisfaction on his face that he gets when people laugh when he wants them to. He must be pretty satisfied by all the laughing that is going on. My parents seem to draw people to them, which shows that they were obviously born to be an artist and a musician.
I am so lucky to have them as parents.
Snap! Snap! goes the rubber band after I get that feeling in my chin.
I pull up to the curb, park, and get out. My father immediately engulfs me in a big bear hug. His blue eyes are twinkling, and I reach up to give him a kiss on the cheek. Snap!
"How's my girl?" he asks. Ahh, parents! No matter how old you are, you're still their baby.
"Fine, Pop. How was the flight?"
"Oh fine, fine. Hit a little turbulence, but nothing worth getting upset over."
Just then, I smell my mother's perfume. I think that it's more essential oil than perfume, because it's a pleasant combination of lavender and vanilla. Snap!
"Hi, Mom," I say, turning around to receive her hug that I knew was coming.
"Hello, sweetheart. How are you?" she asks, looking at me rather intently.
"I'm fine, Mom. Do I look like I'm not?" I ask, looking into her big green eyes.
"Oh no, my dear. You look fine," she says still looking at me hard.
"Okay. Well, let's get you both loaded up, so that we can go," I say, picking up her suitcase and heading toward my car.
We get loaded up and drive toward my house. My father begins a detailed story of their plane ride here, and my mom is looking at me intently out of the corner of her eye.
We arrive at my house about a half an hour later. We get everything into the house, and my parents settle into the guest room.
I go back to my bedroom to see how I look, because my mother's behavior made me worry that something else strange had happened to my face. I look in the mirror and see what I've seen my whole life, more or less. Dark auburn hair that goes a few inches past my shoulders. (I just can't bring myself to cut my hair just because I'm over forty.) Green eyes just like my mom's. And long fingers like my pops.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from HOTT FLASH by Julie Ray. Copyright © 2013 Julie Ray. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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