I Hope This Email Finds You Never: The Official Guide to Blissfully Surviving the Modern Workplace

by Ken Kupchik, Emily Ann Hill

Overview

Ahhh, the modern workplace: a cauldron of stress and anxiety. From the moment we accept a new role, we’re thrown into a world of competing personalities, shifting protocols, and an endless stream of emails, Slack messages, and Zoom calls, all of which serve to distract us from the things we truly want to be doing, like eating Thai food and sleeping until noon.

I Hope This Email Finds You Never puts aside the motivational screeds, productivity hacks, and pop-science, and focuses instead on those things in the workplace that truly cause us grief—like a coworker eating an apple during a video call—in a lighthearted, entertaining, and (most importantly) cynical way.

Some things you’ll learn:

• How long you can get away with being “new” until you’re held accountable
• How to make it look like you’re sorry without giving up any power
• How to find a workplace friend and make a workplace enemy
• Camera position: how to set up your laptop for maximum dominance
• Organizing your calendar while leaving time to cry
• The rules of the kitchen (stealing someone’s yogurt is literally a crime)
• Writing a letter of resignation when you’ve already been resigned from day one

From Orientation (The Descent), Workplace Etiquette (No Eye Contact Before 11 AM), Working Remotely (Wink Wink), Coworkers (Getting Along with your fellow inmates), and everything in between, I Hope This Email Finds You Never is your must-have guide to surviving (thriving is not realistic) in the modern workplace.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781400232819
Publisher:	HarperCollins Leadership
Publication date:	10/11/2022
Pages:	208
Sales rank:	619,323
Product dimensions:	5.40(w) x 8.30(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Ken Kupchik is a writer and the creator of Sales Humor, a popular social media account with over one million followers across Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram. His first book, The Sales Survival Handbook: Cold Calls, Commissions, and Caffeine Addiction—The Real Truth About Life in Sales, was published by AMACOM (now HarperCollins Leadership) in 2017. He lives in Boston, MA.

Emily Ann Hill is a freelance graphic designer who works with startups and small businesses. She loves to incorporate illustration and humor into her work, with or without the client’s permission.

Table of Contents

Getting Started ix

Part I Employee Orientation (The Descent)

1 Making Awkward. Introductions Better (or Exponentially Worse) 3

2 Sign Without Reading: Filling Out Your New-Hire Paperwork 7

3 Better Than Ambien: Employee Training 11

4 Corporatespeak: Why Upper Managers Talk Like Cult Leaders 16

5 How Long You Can Get Away with Being "New" Until You're Held Accountable 20

6 The Bright Side: Getting Paid 24

Part 2 General Workplace Etiquette (No Eye Contact before 11:00 a.m.)

7 Manners, Greetings, Salutations, and Conversations Preapproved by HR 31

8 The Only Two Times You're Allowed to Touch Somebody You Work With 38

9 Avoiding Gossip and Drama (Or Embracing It If That's Your Thing) 43

10 The Rules of the Kitchen: Stealing Someone's Yogurt Is Literally a Crime 48

11 Apologizing: How to Make It Look Like You're Sorry Without Giving Up Any Power 52

12 Navigating Social Events and What to Do If You Drank Too Much 57

Part 3 Coworkers (Getting Along with Your Fellow Inmates)

13 How to Find a Workplace Friend and Make a Workplace Enemy, Even If You're 100 Percent Remote 65

14 The Different Types of Coworkers 72

15 Boundaries and Why You Should Never Trust Rick from Sales 78

16 Walking on Eggshells: The Manager-Employee Relationship 83

17 Social Media Requests from Coworkers: Friendship or Espionage? 89

18 Interoffice Dating: Great Idea, Dumbass 94

Part 4 Working Remotely (Wink, Wink)

19 Getting Out of Your Bed and Getting into a Routine 101

20 Video Call Etiquette and How to Make It Look Like You ve Been Working All Day 106

21 When Pets Become Coworkers and Refuse to Follow the Rules 111

22 Cabin Fever: How to WFH Without Losing Your Mind 115

23 Proper Dress Code When Working Remotely 120

Part 5 Meetings (Whose Foot Is That?)

24 The Different Types of Meetings 125

25 Excuses to Get Out of Meetings While Making People Feel Bad for You 130

26 Camera Position: How to Set Up Your Laptop for Maximum Dominance 135

27 How to Come Back Strong After You Spent the Entire Meeting on Twitter 139

28 Punting the Ball: How to Minimize the Chances of Getting More Work Assigned to You During a Meeting 144

29 Ending Meetings: The Cringey Last Goodbye 148

Part 6 Surviving the Day-to-Day (Lord, Give Me the Strength)

30 Organizing Your Calendar While Leaving Time to Cry 155

31 Deadlines: Are They Important or Merely Suggestions? 160

32 The Commute to Work: Too Long but Never Really Long Enough 164

33 The Gym and Other Office Perks You'll Never Use 169

34 Vacation Time: Strategic Use for Maximum Joy 173

35 Annual Reviews, Salary Negotiations/Existential Dread 177

36 Work-Life Balance and Its Direct Correlation with Being Broke 182

Part 7 Termination of Employment (Let's Pretend We Liked Each Other)

37 Is It Time to Move On, or Is It Just Indigestion? 189

38 Looking for a New Job While Still Employed as If You're Some Sort of International Spy 193

39 Getting Furloughed, Laid Off, Fired, Demoted, or Summarily Executed 197

40 Writing a Letter of Resignation When You've Already Been Resigned from Day One 201

41 Is It Really Illegal? What to Take with You on Your Way Out 206

42 Saying Goodbye 210

Index 217

About the Author and Illustrator 227