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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781982210885 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Balboa Press |
| Publication date: | 09/11/2018 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 108 |
| File size: | 312 KB |
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CHAPTER 1
No Denying
Change was stirring Uneasy Fearful I applied the long honed expertise Moved and shrugged the inklings back Down To their shadowy resting place Uncomfortable but familiar Not this time sister Not this time Out of left field The tempest hit with the fury of a force five hurricane It blew Blew until all my carefully constructed shelters were obliterated The stifling familiarity Erased This time there was there was nowhere to hide This time there was no denying The force picked me up Instead of turning me back as before It pitched me forward Terrified I tried to push towards the pieces that were my life An invisible wall blocked the way And I knew I knew I was being held exactly Where I was supposed to be As the understanding seeped in The pain began A physical rending of absolutely essential separation I wailed for what was lost Then Silence I was spent Nothingness held me in its womb Whispering A voice leaned in You can do it you know You can do it Open your eyes Look You are so close It was clear My future had become weary with impatience No longer taking No for an answer Had placed itself Squarely in my face Soft now Adjusting to the light Choices Hungry for attention Lay before me in a dazzling array of shapes and colors Without doubt It was time It was time for me To say yes Agonizing with sheer necessity I let go and cried I say yes I say yes
Walking the Talk
This situation challenges me It puts me in my own line of fire To live up to every single belief about inherent goodness Others'
My own It dangles itself Smirking Fine for the good times but what about the bad Let's see how you go with this shall we How much of what you have talked about How much of what you've taught How much of it really is true for you Can you walk your talk Will you have the stamina I think so No I will I mean yes I will
Guilt
Why is it That every single time I try to express myself in terms of My Wants or needs I am wracked by feelings of guilt What is this Why do I feel I am to blame Responsible Why am I Afraid of looking Admitting His part in this What is hidden in this darkness Where is the courage Take off the blinders Open your eyes And look Dear one Look
Current
Intent on its work Of pulling us apart The current drags Longing for the old sweetness I resist Amongst frustration and disappointment But even here A glimmer Recognition of the falsehood Making way for a rising anticipation Excited to meet the person We Never Noticed Me to be
Pullback
I can feel You Pulling back Further Away Going Soon gone Parts resist Clutching Longing for the old Sweetness The love That was never wholly there
Missing Him
I miss my friend More than I could have conceived But then how could I have known Or for that matter Not known Only experience gives true understanding Then I wonder Deep down If what I really miss Is not him at all But the idea of him
Anniversary
What to say With me here You there By choice and agreement Married Still Married What am I thinking Or am I thinking at all With all my heart I try not to be resentful For the fruit of that Is my own destruction When When Will you do what clearly must be done Soon Just not today
Do I Care
Contrary to appearances I am not a mumbling mess I am getting through this And I am doing it well It is just that sometimes I have a meltdown Yesterday was hard Realizing he's a lot further down the track than he admits Makes me want to throw up Do I care Yes I care a lot But I have to admit Part of me doesn't at all Soon I hope None of me will
Pain
Even knowing the truth The necessity I am completely unprepared for the relentless pain This tearing apart from my mate I turn myself inside out Trying to make sense of it To understand What would have made a difference What I did wrong But as the reality unfolds I shatter amidst the roar of divulgence My mind My heart Pulverized Numbness is a blessed relief I check out Go through the motions like an automaton Not knowing Not caring When or where it will all end
I Don't Know You
Who are you This changing tone Grudging Hard done by Poor me attitude A you Unfamiliar New phrasings Expressions of a stranger Not the person I knew It is close Nearly time to call it quits To release each other In the end You will have what you wanted Or will you
Decision
Reluctance Protestations Variations cried on the same old theme Have fallen away I have made the decision Cast the die And now Wrapped in the stillness of preparation Emotions at half staff Right action is all that remains Balance Simpatico with the rhythm of the breath Is the fight That must be fought
Opinions
Concerned for me Concerned for you Well-meaning friends Judge Advise Destabilize Well-meaning friends Concerned for me Concerned for you Are seriously exhausting
Low Road
Knowing that blame is futile There are times Like now When the low road calls Loudly And I want Very Very badly To shout from the rooftops What you What all of you Are doing is Completely Utterly Wrong
Dues
In the end Each and every one Will shoulder their own burden of responsibility Who am I to put a percentage on it All I really know is That the brunt will be borne Somehow Somewhere Sometime Dues will be exacted
Lost
Who am I Who am I Am I now defined by who I am not The rug has been pulled with such determination Life has exploded Family, friends, community Even country Scattered To end up who knows where Through inattention, manipulation or fate Or any combination thereof Taken Put out to pasture One breath of shocked understanding Equals Plans, dreams snuffed out Who am I now Now that I am not Who I thought I was
Storm
Sometimes there is a quantum leap From positive to negative From calm to fury Before I know it The whirling tempest hits Sticks Like treacle Self-control vanishes And another steps from the shadows into my form Thinking and saying things that come from who knows where Things that I want to think are not me Have nothing to do with me Yet in my heart of hearts I know Long repressed They do Then almost as quickly
19
I'm back To the me I am trying to be Breathing Breathing
Spinning
The question haunts me still Who am I At an esoteric level I get that I am all or part Of the boundaryless whole The eternal One It should be enough Yet With the me that I was All but liquidated I feel Absent Roles, responsibilities, functions Removed Who is this me that is left I have no idea Perhaps it doesn't matter Maybe the question itself is irrelevant And knowing That I am Is enough Enough for now To survive on Perhaps I'll tell you tomorrow Perhaps
Drowning
Tired Worn weary Right to the edges of my soul Trying to make my way Is it the years of effort The trying so hard to spin straw into gold Or the long pretense that the For better Was really the For worse Oh you dear brave face All the time showing the world that you were a goodwife When in truth You just never mustered the courage To stand up and say Enough And now In this stage of almost freedom Held by chains of neither here nor there I am Drowning In a new sea
Warning
A confusing Sad Sad State of being Oddly comforting Warning Beware Agonizing is dangerously seductive Agonizing Is Dangerously Seductive
Waiting room
Somewhere It is somewhere The way Out of the darkness into which I have plunged Frustrated beyond words I know I will Wait A little longer
Same Old
A journal Written long ago Memories of despair Forever old Flooded in How those words had struggled to find their way I muse at the futility of all that effort It leaves me wondering Why Why did it take me so long To see The truth The reality Known as Used by date
A Dangerous Choice
Driving towards what was to be our home Pondering possessions carefully culled Familiarity and instinct Keeping the highway in focus Not good Pay attention Take a breath And another Refocus The leaden mind Tries escape Reverberating dissonance again And fails Stop the car Get out from behind this wheel Now
The Players
All this vitriol Is distracting Turning you in the wrong direction It is easy to find fault with the other Be very aware That there were two people in this relationship And whether or not it is palatable to you Two people Played their parts here
Fortitude
A glimpse An almost-whisper The world stills My whole being Pauses Straining to hear I release the need into the silence The syllables find their way The message Clears Then sinks into my cells Fortitude Remember Fortitude
Responsibility
Who Now In this present moment Is really responsible As the shards slowly re-form Into facets of understanding I see my own contaminants The seditious effect of extreme optimism The staggering ability to live in denial Counter to everything I believe I had gifted myself To the demon powerlessness Well No longer Drawing the line My mind slows The notion of the outer falls away And with crystal clarity I recognize That this battle Is Within
Ledger
I wonder Do our decades together Founder on the measure of the dollar Does all that we have been Find its final grappling Scorched on the value of goods and chattels In columns of debtors and creditors Or could it be That the untangling Has the currency to show the way forward Pushing so many buttons That in order to hear Over the screeching clamor of the collection agency There is no alternative Pay Attention And Listen Very Very Carefully
Protection
Mostly I'm ok Get the green check mark But every now and then the stealth bomber strikes again Equilibrium vaporizes And I plummet Into the pit Of furious mind-numbing bitterness The rage Tantalizing The agony Tempting to indulge But the warrior Bent on the better way Rises And wields high Her blade of protection She cries a fearsome Get ye gone And I'm rescued again Worn weary But thankful to have another byway cleared
The Ego
I am learning That it is not always about me Who knew I had become so introspective Me Me Me In scrutinizing responsibility Apportioning blame The ego is a curly compadre Focused on its own view of protectiveness Remember It does not always align To attain Right Outcome Your watchfulness is vital
Dream
Stirred by some unseen movement I nuzzle my face into your body Breathe in the sleeping you In the distant dimness I sigh Content in the protection of your arms The hairs on your chest Matted by the pressure of me Tickle my face and cause me to shift Snuggling closer still I sense your absence Then smile in anticipation of your returning warmth But your whispered Home, home Doesn't come My sleep-dulled brain Starts to connect the dots It is the dream Sweet reverie turns to a flood of overwhelming sadness I remember where you are Desperate with self-preservation I beg Help Help me Please
No Us
Uneasy awareness Disquiet Is it hurt Or something else Reluctantly I admit It's the something else The dark-shadowed face of resentment The little sister of bitterness The engine room of torment Poor you Indulgence beckons Poor you Then the rise No way Not for me the destructive vortex of the down-turned mouth The exit Complete Acceptance Is there Close I finally declare There Is No Us
Impatience
At some level I know I have the power to transcend this I will emerge from the maelstrom Whole and new I just wish it would happen Soon No Not soon I wish it would happen Right Now
An Ache
Today my heart aches for this person This bygone husband, lover and sometime friend Who surely Deep down Must want To do the right thing Yet seems to shudder with the pull of divergent directions I pray that he will be able to find his way Wade through the plethora of demands To his own peaceful place
Lifeline
Oh groan Not again The poor me words surge unrelenting Why now With the light so close Is it habit A reluctance to let the lure of hurt go Or is it more Brooding on the old alley song Thoughts spiral down Spilling all my good intentions Into hellish darkness The black cell echoing the chant gleefully No way out No way out Sucked into again casual disregard for my life Hopelessness cuts deep Then rescue arrives Exasperation The heat turns up To a furious broiling And I understand I get it The self-serving evil ones Will never give up Will always be there Looking for a gap To slink in and sabotage The good work Remembering Calm washes over I turn within Reaching for the radiance Of the lifeline
Plea
Please God Let this be done soon So my life can be filled with people who are real Who Respect And Live With Kindness Who Love With Integrity But the plea doubles back If this is your prayer Live its truth You Must live With Respect And kindness And integrity You Must live In Love
Tough Love
Where have you gone Yes, you Not him Have you dumped yourself in the leavings Are you toying with what's deceased Delaying processing Feeding the putrefaction Get up Now Start moving Take a step And another That is all That is required for living Understand this Extermination is the work Requisite Essential For living Allow it The chains will release
Labor Pains
The lurching feeling Pounces again when I least expect it The destructive destabilization That has to go It has to go It's time now The use-by date has been reached The gut wrenching waves no longer serve Labor pains Full term Birth Day Welcome to your world, dear one Yay and Yes A thousand times Yay and Yes
The Edge
The days are easier The passage of time perhaps Or simply an exhaustion Born of effort That forces the letting go Knowing the only way forward Is held in One Single Step Off the edge Into the abyss The terrifying place Acceptance Of a future Unknown
Pillar
Be wise Get understanding The first teacher wrote At last Unveiled understanding All I need to be Is here Present Resting in the heart Trusting Whether I remember or not The Pillar Is Always Available For Leaning
R.i.P.
I have cried Wept Grieving For the death of the me I was before Lost from the start This dear one Struggled so hard To be all she should All she could On her grave I leave Flowers of gratitude For her love Her devotion Rest in peace Precious one Rest in peace
Yum
Woke early today Wrapped in a sense of contentment The familiar sadness absent Replaced With a new world Of not-thought For the first time in what seems like forever I luxuriated in drowsiness
Breaking the Bindings
Who is this new me emerging Scattered At sixes and sevens Blazing new trails Snail-like at times Then fast-forward at breakneck speed The energy appears Then is spent Curious I would have thought This unfolding would be more measured But not to be it seems It is sort of fun Witnessing all this Push-me pull-you growth It feels good To be Unbound Unhampered Learning to be free Learning to be me
Excerpted from "I Say Yes"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Cathy Courtney.
Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Dedication, ix,
Foreword, xiii,
Introduction, xvii,
No Denying, 1,
Walking the Talk, 4,
Guilt, 5,
Current, 6,
Pullback, 7,
Missing Him, 8,
Anniversary, 9,
Do I Care, 10,
Pain, 11,
I Don't Know You, 12,
Decision, 13,
Opinions, 14,
Low Road, 15,
Dues, 16,
Lost, 17,
Storm, 18,
Spinning, 20,
Drowning, 22,
Warning, 24,
Waiting room, 25,
Same Old, 26,
A Dangerous Choice, 27,
The Players, 28,
Fortitude, 29,
Responsibility, 30,
Ledger, 32,
Protection, 33,
The Ego, 35,
Dream, 36,
No Us, 38,
Impatience, 40,
An Ache, 41,
Lifeline, 42,
Plea, 44,
Tough Love, 46,
Labor Pains, 48,
The Edge, 49,
Pillar, 50,
RiP, 51,
Yum, 52,
Breaking the Bindings, 53,
Your Work, 55,
Lift Off, 57,
Payment, 58,
Moments in Time, 59,
Jumping, 61,
Action, 62,
Discovering, 63,
Learning, 64,
Teamwork, 65,
Reconnecting, 66,
Common Denominator, 67,
Being Human, 68,
Falling in Love, 69,
Acknowledgements, 71,
Further Reading, 73,
Index Of Poems, 75,
Endnotes, 79,