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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781912374793 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Orenda Books |
| Publication date: | 03/01/2020 |
| Pages: | 300 |
| Sales rank: | 77,605 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.00(w) x 7.75(h) x 0.90(d) |
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CHAPTER 1
My mother's face had haunted me since I'd last seen her, almost two weeks ago. Her one good eye staring. A string of saliva stretching from the corner of her mouth. Her right hand frozen into a claw as she struggled to reach for the warmth of mine.
This would be the first time I had seen her since she'd been transferred from the big hospital in Glasgow to Lennox House – a nursing home in the village where she'd spent most of her adult life.
The driveway was just wide enough for one car – there were a few passing places dotted along its length. The grass verges were neatly trimmed and a mix of large-leafed trees and giant rhododendron bushes broke the view over a wide, closely clipped lawn.
I followed the long curve of the drive and a couple of minutes later we were pulling up in front of a large ivy-covered Victorian mansion. There were three rows of tall windows set into stained, blond sandstone. In the centre, a grand portico, supported by four Greek pillars, stood over a large glass door.
'It's lovely,' Angela said to me from the passenger seat, as she craned her neck to look up at the building. 'The village seemed nice as well. A nice place to grow up. I've only ever known the city,' she added wistfully.
I studied her expression to check if she was having a go at me. Despite the fact we'd been together for around two years – by around I mean we've been as much 'on' as 'off' over that period – I'd never brought her to the village where I'd grown up.
Inside, I was struck by the elegance and grandeur of the place. This impression was followed by the recognition of the subtle smell that hung in the air. It clung to my nostrils and filled my lungs. It was the smell of incontinence, dying breaths, and fading memories. The flowers spilling from vases on every available surface did nothing to mask it; their perfume only added to the cloying smell. We approached an imposing desk, and the receptionist looked up from her paperwork and offered us a smile. She had dark, straightened hair and was wearing a black jacket over a white shirt. The name badge on her lapel read Donna. Receptionist. 'Morning. How can I help you?' She looked from me to Angela and allowed her gaze to rest on her as if she judged Angela the more important.
'I'm here to see my mother, Donna,' I said. 'Mrs Lorna Docherty.'
Donna smiled over at me, then looked down at her screen and punched a few keys on her keyboard.
'Room twenty-two, first floor.'
I nodded my thanks, turned and walked over to the staircase. As I looked around, the doctor's words from the last time I spoke to him echoed in my mind: 'Your mother has had a massive stroke, Mr Docherty. And sadly she didn't get to a hospital quickly enough. Our tests indicate ...' He went on speaking but I couldn't really take it in. Lots of big words and serious expressions. '... We remain ever hopeful of course, but despite her relatively young age we expect she will see her days out under assisted care ...'
And this place would cost money. A lot of money.
I'd need to sell her house.
Angela reached for my hand. 'You okay?' she asked.
'Got a bit of a sore head,' I replied, offering her a smile, aware my tension was causing it to fray at the edges.
Together we walked over to the wide staircase and started to climb its plushly carpeted steps. The oak panelling on the walls matched the banister and was hung with large portraits of grim-faced Lennox men and women. The men all wore some form of army uniform and the women were dressed in dark, no-nonsense garments, the only flesh on show their pale hands clasped firmly on their laps.
Finding the door marked 22 I paused before it, steeled myself against the upset of what I would see on the other side, knocked on it with a single knuckle and entered.
My mother's room matched the scale of that part of the old house we'd seen so far. Immediately on entering we were greeted by a wide space, her bed against the wall to the right, so that she was afforded a spectacular view out of the large bay window, taking in the rooftops of Seamill, a wide strip of sea, and the outline of the sleeping warrior on the horizon: the Isle of Arran.
'... ohn,' my mother tried to say my name and reached her good hand out to me.
With a churning stomach I rushed over to her, praying I was convincing in my effort to hide my shock at her appearance. Each time I visited her in hospital the jolt I experienced at the change in her didn't lessen. I felt it again as I attempted a reassuring smile.
'Whe ... you ... been?' she asked, squeezing out the words with considerable effort, her mouth making almost impossible shapes.
I used the time it took to pull a chair over to her bed to compose myself. To force my mind to accept what I was seeing as her new 'normal'.
'I was here just the other week,' I lied, struggling to meet her gaze.
'I know ... s'not easy ...'
I leaned forwards and kissed her cheek, and in response I could feel her stiffen as she inhaled, as if she had caught the scent of something.
'You ... drinnkinnng?'
'Goodness sake, Mum. Give it a rest, eh?'
I distracted myself again for a moment by reaching for a tissue from the box on her bedside cabinet and then wiping at the dribble sliding from the side of her mouth and down to her chin.
'Hi there,' said Angela as she moved to the other side of the bed. Leaning forwards she gave my mother a peck on the cheek. 'I hope they're looking after you.' I envied her apparently casual and natural demeanour. Thinking that I'd never get used to this version of my mother, I once again composed my features into an expression that suggested everything was normal.
But it wasn't. My mother was a stricken, haunted version of herself. Always slim, she was alarmingly thin now, the weight loss exaggerating the lines on her face and the size of her one good eye.
Her hair, which she had always taken great care over, was flat and lifeless on her crown and was pressed to the side of her head by her pillow.
'I think we should get in touch with Marie at your salon. See if she'll do an outside visit,' I said, forcing some energy into my voice.
Mum's face looked like it was being pushed to one side as she worked on a smile. 'Would be ... nice.' Then she turned her attention to Angela and I could see a wariness there. Mum had never taken to any of my girlfriends.
Mum made a sound that could have been a thank-you. Or it might just have been her trying to clear her throat. Angela took the kinder interpretation, smiled in response and continued talking. Her chatter was warm and unaffected, and eased the tension in the room. I couldn't have been more grateful for it.
Back in the car, Angela reached across and held my hand. 'You okay, honey?'
I craned my neck and looked up at the old house. 'She's in a bit of a state, isn't she?'
Angela's face formed a reassuring expression. 'She's in the right place.'
'I know. It's just ... she's not long turned sixty. She's way too young for this to have happened.'
'Can happen at any age,' Angela said. 'A man at my work had one when he was only fifty-six.' She stroked my hand, her eyes warm with sympathy. 'You OK? Can't be nice seeing your mum like that?'
'I envy your ... you were just so calm with her. And she's hardly been the most welcoming ...'
Her smile was pained but accepting. 'Mothers and sons,' she sighed. 'Lots of mothers struggle with another woman in their son's life.'
'I should really go to Mum's, have a look and work out what needs to get done before I try and sell the place.'
'Good thinking,' Angela replied. 'And you need time on your own to process all of this. Why don't you drop me off at the train station and I'll make my way back home? I need to get back up for the wee one, and it strikes me that you could do with some time on your own.'
As we made our way back up the drive, I looked in the rear-view mirror. A glint of evening sun against a window caught my eye and I stared up at the building. Ivy leaves the size of hands clung to it, lifting and shifting in the determined breeze, giving an illusion of movement, a deception of life.
CHAPTER 2Grateful for Angela's sensitivity I dropped her off then made my way to my childhood home. I let myself in and stood in the small hallway for a long moment as if letting myself settle back into the space.
Although Mum had been hospitalised weeks earlier, the air felt fresh. I wondered if the next-door neighbour had been coming in now and again to open the windows. From where I stood I could see into the kitchen, the sitting room to my left, my bedroom at the back, downstairs. As I expected, the place was spotless. Looking at the bare cream-coloured walls and the hoover track marks on the carpet it felt as if Mum had just popped out for some shopping.
The last time I'd seen my mother before she had her stroke was on the anniversary of my father's death, a few months earlier. Mum wasn't bothered either way about Christmas and refused to acknowledge her birthday, but was adamant that each year on the date my father died I should make the trek down to my childhood home and spend an hour or two with her.
For some reason, on this particular visit I was more reflective than normal.
'I never got the sense that you and Dad really loved each other,' I said, thinking out loud.
Mum recoiled. 'What a horrible thing to say,' she said, her expression tight. 'Your father was the love of my life.' She crossed her arms and stared defiantly at me.
I held her gaze while I debated arguing the point. My comment was thoughtless, but to argue about her revision of her marriage would have been a waste of energy. If she coped with her grief by reframing her marriage more positively, who was I to challenge her?
Shaking my head as if that might rid me of the way my thoughts were going, I made for the kitchen and the cupboard where my dad used to stash his whisky. Bingo. Behind Mum's almost-empty bottle of port I found a single malt that only had a couple of measures taken from it. I poured myself two fingers, threw that back. Savoured the melt across my shoulder muscles and poured myself another. This one I nursed in my left hand as I walked through the house.
Minutes later I was walking towards my old bedroom. I stopped at the threshold and allowed the memories to flood in. I'd spent hours lying on that bed, on that very red, grey and black bedspread – a colour scheme I once thought was so grown up – hands under my head, earphones in, listening to all sorts of music.
I never played the music too loud. I needed to hear what was happening in other parts of the house. And as if memory had layered echoes in my mind, I could hear Chris charging upstairs, Mum shouting after him, Dad telling us dinner was ready, Mum calling to say that my mate Paul was at the door. Chris running in and jumping on top of me, making sure the bony saucer of each knee hit me in a tender spot.
There were also times when it was deathly quiet, when Dad's silences lay heavy in the house. When he was working a murder case we knew to tiptoe around him, that he would be quick to fury, to lash out, but just as quick to apologise.
I found him once, asleep at the kitchen table, an almost-empty bottle of whisky at his right hand. I couldn't see a glass and guessed he'd drunk straight from the bottle. Breathless with anxiety, certain he was dead, I studied him in the gloom, ears primed for the sound of his breath. Then he'd woken himself with a snore, lifted his head off the table and with one eye still shut he'd shouted at me to get back to bed.
He'd followed me to my room and stood on the very spot I did now, watching me as I got into bed. I pulled the quilt up around my neck as if I was protecting myself and pretended to sleep, wondering what on earth he was doing as he lingered there.
A deep grumble issued from his throat. It sounded like, 'Sorry, son. Not your fault.'
That was the pattern of our relationship. Shouts, long silences, and apologies.
I gave myself a shake. And another sip of whisky. I had a job to do. But where to begin? I climbed the stairs and looked up at the access door to the loft. That had been Dad's space. No one was allowed up there but him. I suspected it would be covered in a thick layer of dust – I couldn't think of anyone who might have gone up there since he died.
There was hardly any room for my feet because of the amount of junk in the spacious attic. Boxes, trunks and piles of old clothes almost reached the sloping roof. Paintings and books lay in front of me along with an open box, which, from where I stood, looked as if it was filled with black cloth. The cardboard was clean and firm as I pushed back the flaps to discover what lay within. The rough, heavy wool gave it away instantly. It was my father's police uniform. I fingered the black serge and tugged at the epaulettes my father had proudly worn throughout his career. Emotions vied for attention in my mind; guilt argued with logic, rejection played with fear, love yielded to loss.
Who was the man who wore this material? His strong face appeared in my mind, wearing a hint of a smile. My throat tightened as I replaced the tunic and closed the dust-free box.
Far into the corner, deep in the shadow I came across a couple of small boxes, hidden under a stack of books. Each box had been carefully wrapped in brown paper and tied up with string. Untying the first box I found a small camera and two rolls of film. Under that was a pile of photographs of varying shapes and sizes, some in colour and some in black and white. They were all portraits of children. There were several of both Chris and I, naked in the bath. In one, Isat sombrely on one side while Chris displayed all of his teeth to the camera. What age would I have been? Five? Six?
Then there were some photographs of me in my early teens. In one I was holding a toddler in my lap, sitting in front of a dark-green car. I recognised the background, the pattern of rocks and the small ruined castle off to the right. That could only be down by Portencross. Chris was nowhere to be seen, which was unusual. In most family pictures we came as a package. And why was I holding a baby? And whose car was that? I couldn't remember Dad having one that colour.
Dismissing this, I placed the photographs to the side and picked up the other box. It was lighter than the first and with a strange sense of excitement, I opened it up. It held a single item – a stained sandshoe; rubber sole, white canvas upper. A boy's shoe? I picked it up by the laces and holding it closer to the light, I squinted to identify the stains. The green was unquestionably grass, but could the splash of rusty, almost brown colour be blood?
CHAPTER 3My mobile phone rang, echoing through the dust and dark of the loft space. Without looking at the screen I answered it.
'How's it hanging, big guy?' A voice said. It took a moment for the owner to register.
'Paul,' I said. 'How the hell are you?'
'A wee bird tells me you're in town. Fancy a pint down at The Lion?'
'How did you —?'
'My mum misses nothing, mate. You should know that.'
I laughed. Paul's mother lived in a house at the far end of our street, on the opposite side of the road.
'She was on the phone to me seconds after you arrived.'
Paul's mum never quite took to me and didn't bother to hide the fact, so I was surprised to hear she'd alerted him.
'The call did come with a government health warning,' Paul said, clearly reading my pause. '"That Docherty boy is at his mother's",' he added in a falsetto. We both laughed, a noise that felt good among the murk and secrets of the attic.
We arranged a time and with a sense of pleasure, I hung up. Paul had been one of the casualties of my move up to Glasgow. I really should have made more of an effort to keep up with him.
The photograph had fallen from my hand when I answered the phone. I picked it up, looked around me at the mess and with a sigh decided there was no rush. I could sort this all out some other time.
Paul watched from his stool at the far end of the bar as his old friend ducked inside the door and then looked around the room for him.
He stood up and gave a wave. 'John,' he shouted over the music. 'Over here.'
John gave a sharp nod, flicked a smile and walked towards him, meeting him at the bar, hand out. They shook, and with his free hand Paul clasped his friend by the shoulder.
'Been a while since you've been in here, eh?'
John's face bloomed into a smile and Paul thought, there he is, the guy who had been by his side as he negotiated the world of boyhood. His face was puffier, his belly was pushing his shirt out, but the boy peeped out of that smile, and Paul found himself feeling the years since he'd seen his old friend. John's smile was full of warmth, but its edges were traced in sadness. Paul wondered what John had been through since they last spoke.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "In the Absence of Miracles"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Michael J. Malone.
Excerpted by permission of Orenda Books.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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