Infidelity: A Survival Guide

by Don-David Lusterman PhD

Overview

The discovery of an infidelity can deliver a devastating blow—but it can be survived. Psychologist Don-David Lusterman has spent thousands of hours counseling clients who needed help coping with infidelity. In this book, he shares what he has learned in a step-by-step format that helps readers cope with the emotional impact of the affair, decide what it tells them about their marriage, and either choose to break up or begin to rebuild their relationship.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781572240872
Publisher:	New Harbinger Publications
Publication date:	06/01/1998
Series:	Unassigned Series
Pages:	224
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.47(d)

About the Author

Don-David Lusterman, PhD, is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Baldwin, NY. He specializes in marriage and family therapy. A frequent media guest, he has appeared on The Today Show and Oprah and been the subject of numerous radio and print interviews. He has spent thousands of hours counseling clients who were dealing with infidelity in their marriages. This helped him to develop a model for intervention that can enables both partners to make decisions.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments........................................................ix

Introduction.................................................................1

1. The Shock of Discovery...........................................3
Defining Infidelity

The Moment of Discovery

Denial

Sometimes There Is No Answer

Compartmentalization

Types of Infidelity

Trauma

Is The Relationship Over?
2. Why Did It Happen..................................................17
Not All Involvements Are the Same

Are Men's and Women's Extramarital Affairs Different?

The Life Crisis Theory

Mid-Life Crisis

Entitlement

Sexual Identity Affairs

Sexual Addiction and Don Juanism

Exploratory Affairs

Tripod Affairs

Retaliatory Affairs

Exit Affairs
3. The Affair Triangle...................................................37
Love and Infatuation

Why Warts are Important

Married Love vs. Affair Love

Lengthy Affairs

The Involved Partner

The Discoverer

The Third Party

A Few Final Words About Affairs
4. Is Divorce Inevitable?..............................................61
The Importance of Time

A Marriage that Improved

Ambivalence

Some Questions to Consider

The Search for Meaning
5. Feelings That Help and Feelings that Hurt.....................91
Idiot Lights and Negative Feelings

Dealing With Anger

How To Make Emotions productive

Blaming

Accepting Responsibility
6. Trust.........................................................................105
Preparing for the Confrontation

The Truth Doesn't Come Out All at Once

When Trust Can't be Restored
7. Survivng Infidelity........................................................119
Affairs: The Phases of Recovery

Other Types of Infidelity

A Healthy Life After Discovery
8. Children.....................................................................159
What Chidren require of Parents

Secrecy and Boundaries

How Secret Is a Secret?

Secrecy and Loyalty

Burdening Children With Adults' Issues

Involving Children with the Third Party

How Are Children Affected?

Secrecy vs. Privacy

When to Speak to Your Children

What To Expect When You Speak To Your Children
9. Family and Friends.....................................................173
Family

Friends
10. Is It Always Best to Tell?...........................................185
Telling When Asked

Telling When Not Asked

The Dangers of "One Size Fits All"

Dangerous Mates-- a Special Case

Another Special Case

Recent Infidelities

Sexual Addictions

FromPainful to Positive
11. Choosing A Component Therapist..............................195
What Is A Therapist?

What Is Family Therapy?

Finding A Therapist

A Phone Meeting

Interviewing the Therapist

How Do Couples Therapist Work?

Clear Procedures

Continuity In Treatment

You Are A Partner With Your Therapist

If Therapy Is Not Going Well

12. Some Final Words...................................................203

References....................................................................205

Editorial Reviews

“A wise and thoughtful book that will help many people write a happy ending to a pain-filled story.”
—Rabbi Harold Kushner, author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People and How Good Do We Have to Be?

“Infidelity: A Survivial Guide is a wonderful guide for couples dealing with the aftermath of an infidelity. As a wise and very knowledgeable therapist, Dr. Lusterman clearly explains the complex dynamics of infidelity. He provides an excellent road map for both partners to rebuild trust and then take a path that can lead to a better marriage.”
—Constance R. Ahrons, Ph.D., author of The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Falls Apart

“Don-David Lusterman draws on his years of experience as a therapist to provide extraordinary insight into understanding and surviving a partner’s one-night stand, philandering, or affair. Dr. Lusterman goes beyond just helping people survive this experience to helping them learn from it and turn it into an opportunity for personal growth. This book can benefit not only the discoverer and the involved partner, but it also offer invaluable perspective for family members and friends.”
—Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth

From the Publisher

"Infidelity: A Survival Guide is a wonderful guide for couples dealing with the aftermath of an infidelity. As a wise and very knowledgeable therapist, Dr. Lusterman clearly explains the complex dynamics of infidelity. He provides an excellent road map for both partners to rebuild trust and then take a path that can lead to a better marriage."---Constance R. Ahrons, Ph.D., author of The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Falls Apart

Constance R. Ahrons

Don-David Lusterman, a therapist of exemplary wisdom and humanity, brings reason and steady calm to a subject which may silence or confound less well-grounded therapists. He makes the necessary judgement calls with soothing, sympathetic tolerance. There is little here with which I can quibble and much I can admiringly endorse.-- Frank Pittman, M.D. author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy

Frank Pittman

"Don-David Lusterman draws on his years of experience as a therapist to provide extraordinary insight into understanding and surviving a partner's one-night stand, philandering, or affair. Dr. Lusterman goes beyond just helping people survive this experience to helping them learn from it and turn it into an opportunity for personal growth. This book can benefit not only the discoverer and the involved partner, but it also offers invaluable perspective for family members and friends." --Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth

Peggy Vaughn

"A wise and thoughtful book that will help many people write a happy ending to a pain-filled story."--Rabbi Harold Kushner, author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People and How Good Do We Have To Be?

Harold Kushner