Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi?: A Guide for Women Concerned about Their Men

by Joe Kort PhD, LMSW, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist & Supervisor of Sex Therapy; auth, Alexander P. Morgan (Editor)

Overview

Jennifer can’t believe it. Just married and pregnant, she discovers that her husband has been meeting Brad for sex. When confronted, Tom doesn’t deny it, but he insists it’s just “a thing” and he isn’t gay. Elsewhere, John’s wife, Karen, discovers that her husband likes to watch gay porn. John doesn’t understand his wife’s reaction. Why does she care what he watches if he’s not unfaithful? In couple’s therapy, Karen and Jennifer raise the same questions: Does this mean my husband is gay? Can my marriage survive?

These and other stories illustrate the difficulties inherent when a wife or girlfriend finds out her man has had or wants to have sexual contact with other men. But many times, the man is not gay or even bisexual. Of course, some men with gay sexual interests are gay men in a process of self-discovery; they are “coming out.” These desires may only reflect a different side of a man’s sexuality or some response to childhood trauma or experiences they have not fully processed. Here Joe Kort and Alexander P. Morgan make the distinction between gay men and “straight men with gay interests” clearer to women who want to know how they can overcome these revelations. The authors explain the many reasons why straight men may be drawn to gay sex; how to tell whether a man is gay, straight, or bisexual; and what the various options are for these couples, who can often go on to have very fulfilling marriages.

Is My Husband Gay, Straight or Bi? is intended to help couples understand how male sexuality can express itself in ways that may be difficult to understand. Many marriages have been hurriedly terminated when couples (and their therapists) have lacked the information they needed to understand their current situations. This book provides the clarity, describes the choices, and (in many cases) offers hope for relationships and marriages that have been brushed off as doomed.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781538127483
Publisher:	Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.
Publication date:	01/23/2019
Pages:	240
Sales rank:	770,288
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

Joe Kort, PhD, MSW, MA, is a certified Imago Relationship Therapist and a board certified clinical sexologist specializing in sex therapy and sexual identity. He is a member of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, the Academy of Certified Social Workers, and the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). Dr. Kort offers workshops for couples and singles, and he runs various therapy groups for men who are struggling with sexual issues. He is on the teaching faculty of the University of Michigan’s Sexual Health Certificate Program. He speaks and conducts workshops internationally, maintains and contributes to various blogs and online outlets, and writes newspaper and magazine articles. He is the author of three books, including Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician: The Essential Guide. He contributed a chapter on straight men who have sex with men in Mending A Shattered Heart: A Guide For The Partners of Sex Addicts.

Alexander P. Morgan, PhD, is a scientist and writer. He is the co-author of When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment, written with Dr. Kenneth Adams. A Woodrow Wilson Fellow and a National Science Foundation Fellow, he is a recipient of the Melville Medal from the American Society of Mechanical Engineers. He has published more than fifty professional articles. Dr. Morgan works with a variety of healthcare professionals to bring their expertise to the public in clear and accessible language.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments xiii

Preface: Your Husband Probably Isn't Gay xv

I What Is Happening?

1 Jennifer's Conundrum: Straight Men Who Want Sex with Men 3

2 Tom's Compulsion: Why Would a Straight Man Want To Have Sex with Men? 13

3 An Irresistible Humiliation: Joel Loves Cuckolding 27

4 David Wants a Knock on His Back Door: Is He Gay? 45

5 Adam Must Be the Master: BDSM as an Identity 53

6 Carlos's Anxiety: Men Who Obsess about Being Gay 67

7 Sam Won't Cheat on Jillian: What Are the Bisexual Options? 77

8 Does Jacob Have to Leave Katelyn?: The Gay Husband 89

9 A Landscape of Identity and Desire: Straight Men Who Seem Gay 101

II What Can You Do?

10 His Secret Sex Life: Recovering from Betrayal 111

11 Core Sexual Scripts: Gateway to Understanding Troubling Sexual Behavior 119

12 Are You What You Orgasm?: Kinks That "Look Gay" 135

13 Your Man Is Gay or Bisexual: Now What? 147

14 Sex Fantasies and Sex Talk: How Much Do You Need to Know? 159

15 Writing It Down: A Joint Agreement about Sexual Boundaries 167

16 Why Else Do Straight Men Have Sex with Men?: A Miscellany 183

17 Next Steps: What Do I Ask after I Ask, "Is My Husband Gay?" 195

Appendix: How to Find a Therapist 199

Notes 205

Bibliography 213

Index 217

Editorial Reviews

For decades, husbands and wives have faced the social tendency to shame, fear, and denounce husbands who have sex with men. Kort and Morgan's book offers a compassionate and understanding view that is grounded in science and clinical practice, rather than fear. Their book offers a surprising and pleasing depth to the understanding of this phenomenon and does not treat it in simplistic, black and white ways. Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? offers up a sophisticated view of masculine sexuality and eroticism that is sorely needed. Their work is a gift to the many husbands and wives out there who are struggling to understand the husband's same-sex attractions and trying to figure out where to go from here.

David J. Ley

A brave and much needed exploration of the diversity of sexuality. Kort frees sexuality by discussing the health and beauty of diverse arousal patterns by breaking the limits of gay, straight, and bisexuality.

Chris Donaghue

Is my Husband Gay, Straight or Bi? is a wonderful collection of case studies, therapy practices, and research-based information that illustrate the diverse range of behaviors, emotions, and psychological states of husbands (and in turn their wives) who think, suspect, or believe they are gay or bisexual, whether or not their identity actually fits the complex definition of homosexuality or bisexuality. The detailed examples, psychological theories, and therapeutic protocols in this book will be helpful to husbands, wives, and couples who seek clarity in this confusing situation and especially useful to therapists with such clients.

Amity Pierce Buxton

A brave and much needed exploration of the diversity of sexuality. Kort frees sexuality by discussing the health and beauty of diverse arousal patterns by breaking the limits of gay, straight, and bisexuality.

For decades, husbands and wives have faced the social tendency to shame, fear, and denounce husbands who have sex with men. Kort and Morgan's book offers a compassionate and understanding view that is grounded in science and clinical practice, rather than fear. Their book offers a surprising and pleasing depth to the understanding of this phenomenon and does not treat it in simplistic, black and white ways. Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? offers up a sophisticated view of masculine sexuality and eroticism that is sorely needed. Their work is a gift to the many husbands and wives out there who are struggling to understand the husband's same-sex attractions and trying to figure out where to go from here.

Is my Husband Gay, Straight or Bi? is a wonderful collection of case studies, therapy practices, and research-based information that illustrate the diverse range of behaviors, emotions, and psychological states of husbands (and in turn their wives) who think, suspect, or believe they are gay or bisexual, whether or not their identity actually fits the complex definition of homosexuality or bisexuality. The detailed examples, psychological theories, and therapeutic protocols in this book will be helpful to husbands, wives, and couples who seek clarity in this confusing situation and especially useful to therapists with such clients.

Is my Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? is a work of great significance. Dr. Kort has crafted a clear, no-nonsense, compassionate book that will benefit the lay-public as much as his professional colleagues. Written with the experienced and kind voice of an expert sex-therapist, Kort explores variations of human sexual behavior with well-deserved authority. This book is illuminating reading for couples in distress and a "must-read" for anyone who works in the field of sexual health.

Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? is a smart, contemporary look at a controversial issue. This is the only book I have ever seen that addresses the complexities of men's sexuality with empathy and a direct language that both men and women will find helpful. Clinicians who work with couples will turn again and again to this book for answers to this contemporary quandary as more and more couples struggle with the boundaries of male sexuality. Kort and Morgan give clear answers and direction and explain how to talk about relationships and betrayal while moving our understanding of sexuality forward into a new era of openness and maturity. Thank you, Joe Kort and Alexander P. Morgan.

Male sexual fluidity is a cutting-edge, and sometimes confusing, topic. With empathy and insight Kort distills his years of experience helping couples decode and deal with a spectrum of scenarios into a single compelling volume.

Seasoned couples therapist Joe Kort and scientist Alexander P. Morgan shine a clear and compassionate light on a much needed and little discussed topic--what to do if you think your husband may be gay. They walk readers through the distinctions between being gay, bi, or straight with an attraction to male sexuality. This is not a theoretical conversation but a hands-on guide to a complex, and often overwhelming, situation. Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? has the power to save marriages and change lives.

This is an amazing book. It uncovers the truth about many men who have sex with other men who are not necessarily gay. Case examples illustrate the complexity of this phenomenon. A very useful resource for men and women who are dealing with this issue in their lives and relationships - and any professionals who want to understand them.

From the Publisher

Seasoned couples therapist Joe Kort and scientist Alexander P. Morgan shine a clear and compassionate light on a much needed and little discussed topic—what to do if you think your husband may be gay. They walk readers through the distinctions between being gay, bi, or straight with an attraction to male sexuality. This is not a theoretical conversation but a hands-on guide to a complex, and often overwhelming, situation. Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? has the power to save marriages and change lives.

Terrence Real

Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? is a smart, contemporary look at a controversial issue. This is the only book I have ever seen that addresses the complexities of men's sexuality with empathy and a direct language that both men and women will find helpful. Clinicians who work with couples will turn again and again to this book for answers to this contemporary quandary as more and more couples struggle with the boundaries of male sexuality. Kort and Morgan give clear answers and direction and explain how to talk about relationships and betrayal while moving our understanding of sexuality forward into a new era of openness and maturity. Thank you, Joe Kort and Alexander P. Morgan.

Dr. Tammy Nelson

Male sexual fluidity is a cutting-edge, and sometimes confusing, topic. With empathy and insight Kort distills his years of experience helping couples decode and deal with a spectrum of scenarios into a single compelling volume.

Ian Kerner

This is an amazing book.  It uncovers the truth about many men who have sex with other men who are not necessarily gay.  Case examples illustrate the complexity of this phenomenon.  A very useful resource for men and women who are dealing with this issue in their lives and relationships – and any professionals who want to understand them.

Eli Coleman

Is my Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? is a work of great significance. Dr. Kort has crafted a clear, no-nonsense, compassionate book that will benefit the lay-public as much as his professional colleagues. Written with the experienced and kind voice of an expert sex-therapist, Kort explores variations of human sexual behavior with well-deserved authority.  This book is illuminating reading for couples in distress and a “must-read” for anyone who works in the field of sexual health.

Evelyn Resh