Table of Contents
Prologue vii
1 Let the Anxiety Commence 1
2 How to Exploit an Unborn Baby 22
3 A Twenty-pound Basketball With Legs and Arms 33
4 Dressing Like a Concubine in Humpty Dumpty's Harem 46
5 Labor to the Tune of Janet Jackson's Nipple 63
6 You Have to Peed the Baby ... Through Your Boobs 81
7 Sympathy for the World 95
8 It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Pokes Their Eye Out With a Baby 101
9 The Dive That Turned Into a Belly Flop 122
10 Your Biological Clock Is a Dumbass 135
11 Other Mothers: Your Harshest Critics 153
12 Trusting the Wisdom of a Dog 165
13 Finally, Proof That I Was in the Room When She Was Conceived 180
14 Heather, Interrupted 190
15 Her Screamness Who Screams a Lot Every Day With the Screaming 201
16 If Your Wife Is Pregnant, You Might Want to Skip This One 210
17 My Arms Spread Completely Wide 223
18 I Never Thought I Would Become This Woman 243
Afterword 255
Acknowledgments 261