Let Me Off at the Top!: My Classy Life and Other Musings

by Ron Burgundy

Overview

A shockingly candid and raw autobiography from legendary anchorman, jazz flutist, and host of The Ron Burgundy Podcast, Ron Burgundy.

From his humble beginnings in a desolate Iowa coal mining town, his years at Our Lady Queen of Chewbacca High School to his odds-defying climb to the dizzying heights of becoming America’s most trusted and beloved television News Anchor, Ron Burgundy pulls no punches in Let Me Off at the Top!

In his very own words Burgundy reveals his most private thoughts, his triumphs and his disappointments. His life reads like an adventure story complete with knock-down fights, beautiful women and double-fisted excitement on every page. He has hunted jackalopes with Bobby Kennedy and Peter Lawford, had more than his share of his amorous exploits, and formed the greatest on-air team in the history of televised news. Along the way, he hobnobbed with people you wish you knew and some you honestly wish you didn’t—celebrities, presidents, presidents' wives, celebrities' wives, dogs, and, of course Veronica Corningstone, the love of his life. Walter Cronkite, Barbra Streisand, Katie Couric, the list goes on. Who didn’t Mr. Burgundy, or “Ron” as he is known to his friends, rub elbows with in the course of his colorful and often criminal life?

This may well be the most thrilling book ever written, by a man of great physical, moral and spiritual strength and not surprisingly a great literary talent as well. This book deserves a real shot at a Pulitzer Prize. In fact if it doesn’t win one then we will finally have proof that the Pulitzer is rigged.

Ron Burgundy has taken the time to write a book. We owe it to him, as honest Americans, to read it.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780804139571
Publisher:	Crown Publishing Group
Publication date:	11/19/2013
Pages:	224
Product dimensions:	5.80(w) x 8.30(h) x 1.20(d)

About the Author

RON BURGUNDY is an award winning News Anchorman and poet. He lives with his wife, Veronica and dog Baxter in San Diego California. When he is not making models of 18th century sailing ships he can often be found on the deck of his own boat, The Shining M’Lady or supervising archeological digs in and around his back yard.  This is his first “book.”

Read an Excerpt

AUTHOR’S NOTE
 
It took me eight years to write this book. The research alone—fact-checking, reading the source materials, asking questions—was endless and I didn’t care for it that much. I just didn’t. But I persisted because I knew what I was doing was truly very important. A book is never the work of one man. Many people contribute to its failure, or as in this case, its success. Dorathoy Roberts at the Harvard Widener Library was instrumental in recovering so many facts and nautical terms. Janart Prancer aided my work immensely with her near-encyclopedic understanding of rare manuscripts in the Herzog August Library, Wolfenbüttel, Germany. Esther Naus­baum, head librarian at the prestigious Kirkland School of Dinosaurs, was instrumental in tracking down indispensable paleoecological records for chapter 15 in this book. Herb Kolowsky was ever watchful and patient, reading over many drafts of the manuscript as well as cleaning my gutters. I con­sulted with my dear friend and lover Doris Kearns Goodwin over many breakfasts in bed. Her sharp intellect and sharper teeth found their way into practically every page. Although we are no longer lovers because I don’t know why, her knowledge of presidential history is the basis for chapter 12. Her dogged enthusiasm for the project was only outpaced by her enthusi­asm for lovemaking, which I could barely equal. I don’t know what to say about Doris really except if she’s still out there and she would like another bounce, I would be game. Johnny Bench was an invaluable spell-checker. Lars Mankike brought an artistic eye to the project and a kind of European nihilism that was completely unnecessary. We fought often and he got what he deserved, so I’m not even sure why I’m thanking him here, but it’s too late now. Sandy Duncan is full of boundless energy. What can I say about Veronica Corningstone, the love of my life? We’ve had our ups and downs for sure, and usu­ally the downs were because of something stupid she said or did while losing her blood. You really can’t fault women for being irrational. Blood drips out of them willy-nilly and there’s nothing they can do about it. It’s like being a hemophiliac. I suspect science will one day cure them of this blood-dripping disease but until then, Vive la différence. Finally Baxter, my dog and best friend, saw me through many tough hours as I struggled with my emotions during this proj­ect. His love and support sustained me through extremely dif­ficult excavations into my past. Only Baxter knows the pain I have lived. Our nightly talks formed the basis for what you hold in your hand now.  
 
WHY WRITE THIS BOOK?
 
Does mankind really need another book dumped onto the giant garbage heap of books already out there? Is there some pressing desire for the wisdom of a humble News Anchor in this world? Will it add to the great literary achievements throughout time or will it be lost in a swamp of trivial scrib­bling like pornography—devoured and then destroyed out of shame? I stand here (I write standing up) and I say, “No!” No, this book will NOT be lost! This book is necessary. It’s an im­portant work from an important man. I was the number one News Anchor in all of San Diego. My name is Ron Burgundy and what you have in your hands is a very big deal. It’s...my…life. It’s my words. It’s my gift to you.

Interviews

A Q&A with Anchorman and Literary Legend RON BURGUNDY,

Author of LET ME OFF AT THE TOP!

What aspects of your childhood or upbringing have endured with you as your career has taken off? Is there any element from your upbringing that you've shed over the years?

Extremely interesting question, yes indeed. In a way I think we are all still children—I mean sure we have to write checks and shave and drink alcohol but inside every one of us there's a child who's like, “I don't want to write checks! I don't want to shave! I do want to drink alcohol but I don't want anybody to catch me!” That child lives inside of me very close to the surface. I still get very angry when I have to shave. I've thrown temper tantrums and collapsed on the floor when I'm forced to write checks for whatever reason. I'm going to say it. I am pretty close to the boy I was when I was eleven years old. I've made a lot of grown-ups mad. I'll tell you an interesting story. One time I was out on a date with a beautiful woman. This was back when I was in my thirties. We had finished a romantic dinner and the night was heading toward a predictable erotic conclusion. As we entered her apartment I saw that she had an enormous king-sized bed. She began slowly undoing her dress but the anticipation was just too much for me. I couldn't wait another second. I ran at the bed and jumped up and down on it. I had completely forgotten I was a grown man about to have sex. Instead, the pure childlike excitement of bouncing up and down on that huge bed overtook me and there was nothing I could do. Sometimes that inner child explodes at the wrong time but not often. It was a huge bed and just lots and lots of fun! I must have bounced for a good two hours and then we did it.

What role do you think women play in our society today? Are there any areas that could still be developed more favorably toward them?

To be candid, I think we are ready for a woman president. I'd love to see it. Sure the country would have to suffer through some crazy emotional ups and downs every month and women can be pretty irrational and maybe you would have to make some kind of amendment whereby they would not be allowed to be commander in chief because that could get pretty dicey! A lady in control of the military? I think most women out there would certainly agree that would be pure insanity. But doing the budget and having parties for dignitaries and making bills and stuff—do I think a woman could do that? You bet. I hope she's sexy. I would hate to see that first woman president be a real dog—not that that would make her any less qualified but she would be more qualified if she were sexy. I hope it's someone who looks like Jessica Lange in her prime. Boy oh boy, that would be top-drawer stuff—a president who looked like Jessica Lange circa King Kong! Invite me to the Lincoln Bedroom!

Your research on Mexico is exhaustive, but has raised the eyebrows of many anthropologists and archaeologists for its gaps in crucial areas of information. Some have even suggested that certain details were fabricated. Can you speak to these assertions?

Well this hurts and yes I am aware of what some jealous critics are saying. First off, to be fair, I'm not perfect. I could have gotten a fact wrong here or there but let's not forget—what I've written about the history of Mexico in Let Me Off at the Top! is surely the first scholarly work on Mexico ever written. So it seems ridiculous to me to challenge its accuracy when there's nothing to compare it to. Maybe better histories of Mexico will be written in the future but honest to God I don't know how. It took me a long time to write just that one chapter as anyone could plainly see. (For those of you who are wondering—I do intend on finishing my complete history of Mexico. Look for it in stores early 2021.)

As far as “anthropologists” and “archaeologists” are concerned they should stick to what they do best and let people who study history do what they do. I'm often accosted on the street by eggheads from universities who want to criticize the way I report the news or just the way I live and really the only thing you can do is bust them in the beak and hope you don't get your knuckles bloody.

Where did your love for animals originate? Are you currently engaged in any programs or projects dedicated to animal welfare?

Of course I go into great detail about my relationship with animals in my book, Let Me Off at the Top! but I will say this, male koala bears have two penises. It's utterly true! It doesn't speak much to your question I know but it's just amazing. I have these facts squeezed into my head and there's no room to keep them in there. I have to let them go and voilà, the world benefits!

Has your attitude or relationship to the flute changed at all over the years? Do you have any advice for young musicians today?

I think if you're just starting out in the music world today you have to be very savvy about how you're going to make a buck. Do you learn to play jazz? Let's be honest. I love jazz and I am a great jazz flautist but can you make a buck from it? What about rock? Is there any money in rock? Not much. The kids these days like rap-rhyming. All the money seems to be in rap-rhyming. But here's the problem. Let's say you're just starting out today. Do you practice rap-rhyming? No! You have to guess what's going to be big by the time you're grown up. I think Dixieland music is poised to make a huge comeback. It's got a real beat and cool-sounding banjo and clarinet parts. It's just perfect for a redo. If I were starting out in music today I would get my Dixieland band chops down pat and get ready for the big wave coming. I think a great name for a Dixieland band would be the Biloxi Skillet Lickers. Also the Tennessee Bearcat 7. They are both equally very good names.

It seems that you and Veronica Corningstone have been enjoying a fruitful marriage, but there are several instances, particularly one in your chapter “I Dish the Dirt!” that imply you've had extramarital affairs. Does this suggest a kind fluidity in your relationship? What are your views on marriage today?

I am a strong believer in monogamous relationships. I feel that marriage between a man and a woman, a man and a man or a woman and a woman is a sacred and special bond. My relationship with Veronica is such a bond. I could count on just two hands the number of times I've gone outside of the marriage for sex. That's ten times or less so I think you can see I'm a pretty dedicated husband. Only one of those times was I actually in love with the woman and she turned out to be a real pain in the ass so I was lucky to have Veronica standing by when that fell through. Veronica of course has gone outside of the marriage herself a few times but come on! Really? Imagine you're a woman and you're married to Ron Burgundy. How long could you stay away? Not long, right. Veronica on occasion would meet NFL football legend Frank Gifford for a quickie but then he was married too so that made it okay. Besides, I've always liked Gifford, and his wife, Kathy, was a real wildcat in the sack.

Your rapport with an array of notable public figures is impressive. Have any of these friendships or relationships endured?

I remain friends with so many famous people. I hate to drop names and brag. It's just not my nature. I do think it's important to say that I'm great friends with Hollywood legend, Richard Thomas. I did a guest spot on the television show, The Waltons once. The only dramatic acting I've ever attempted. I was simply terrible. I'm just not a good actor but Richard talked me through the whole ordeal and we've been friends ever since. I have one of his kidneys.

Editorial Reviews

2013-11-20
A paean to silly self-regard from the master of the genre, TV anchor Burgundy. Burgundy is, of course, a fictitious character, the product of comedian Will Ferrell. There's a Pinocchio moment toward the end of this looping book, full of sound but empty of signification, when he calls it "a novel about my life," even as he deems the two Anchorman franchise films to date "factual documentaries about myself." Roll with it, then: Burgundy, a native of a little town in Iowa named for a sectarian murderer and full of people who just didn't quite have the gumption to head further west, has made himself an enduring star of the small screen, a jazz flautist, dog lover and collector of "authentic replications of Spanish broadswords." And let's not forget connoisseur of peaty adult beverages: "There's nothing so bad on God's green earth that can't be made good by a tall glass of scotch." That may be, but even a fifth of the firth's finest can't mask the fundamental so-whatness of this artifact. The satire is broad to the point of micrometer-thinness, the targets all the usual suspects, the put-on chauvinism and arrogance just more of the same for anyone who's seen the films--and who besides the films' fans would plunk down the money for this book? Stephen Colbert has done wonders with his similarly broad-brushed character, but this is second-tier stuff. Even if Burgundy (or whoever the writer is) occasionally lands a point, it seems almost accidental, as when Burgundy senior tells his anchor-boy son, "Ron, sometimes people don't want the truth. They just want the news." A stocking stuffer for die-hard Burgundians or a gag gift to bring to Wes Mantooth's holiday party, but nothing more than that.

Kirkus Reviews