Table of Contents
Introduction 1
Part I Basic Skills
1 Listening 7
Real vs. Pseudo Listening 8
Blocks to Listening 10
Assessing Your Listening Blocks 14
Four Steps to Effective Listening 18
Total Listening 22
2 Self-Disclosure 23
Rewards of Self-Disclosure 25
Blocks to Self-Disclosure 27
Optimal Levels of Self-Disclosure 28
Assessing Your Self-Disclosure 30
Practice in Self-Disclosure 34
3 Expressing 37
Observations 37
Thoughts 37
Feelings 38
Needs 39
Whole Messages 39
Contaminated Messages 40
Preparing Your Message 42
Practicing Whole Messages 43
Rules for Effective Expression 48
Part II Advanced Skills
4 Body Language 57
Body Movements 58
Spatial Relationships 63
5 Paralanguage and Metamessages 67
The Elements of Paralanguage 68
Changing Your Paralanguage 70
Metamessages 72
Coping with Metamessages 75
6 Hidden Agendas 79
The Eight Agendas 80
Purpose of the Agendas 84
7 Transactional Analysis 87
Parent, Child, and Adult Messages 87
Analyzing Your Communications 90
Kinds of Transactions 95
Keeping Your Communications Clean 101
8 Clarifying Language 103
Understanding a Model 105
Challenging the Limits of a Model 111
Challenging Distortions in a Model 116
Some Final Clarifications 120
Part III Conflict Skills
9 Assertiveness Training 123
Your Legitimate Rights 123
Three Communication Styles 125
Your Assertiveness Goals 129
Assertive Expression 130
Assertive Listening 132
Combining Assertive Expression and Listening 133
Responding to Criticism 134
Special Assertive Strategies 139
Assertiveness Skills Practice 144
10 Validation Strategies 145
What Is Validation? 145
How Does Validation Work? 146
Components of Validation 148
11 Negotiation 153
Four Stages of Negotiation 153
Dealing with Conflict 155
Rules of Principled Negotiation 156
When the Going Gets Tough 164
Part IV Social Skills
12 Forming Accurate First Impressions 171
Prejudgment Traps 172
Approval and Disapproval in Prejudgment 177
Correcting Parataxic Distortions 180
Perpetuating Illusions 182
Clarifying First Impressions 183
13 Making Contact 185
Fear of Strangers 185
Guidelines for Making Contact 189
The Art of Conversation 192
Putting It All Together 196
14 Digital Communication 201
Email 201
Texting 204
Voice Mail 206
Social Media 207
Video Communication 209
Part V Family Skills
15 Couples Skills 215
Schemas 216
Couples Systems 221
Keeping Your Relationship Strong 233
16 Communicating with Children 235
Listening 235
Expressing 241
Joint Problem Solving 246
When to Let Go 252
When You Have to Say No 253
The Point Is … 253
17 Family Communications 255
Family Communication Disorders 256
Family Pathology 261
Family Systems 266
How to Keep Family Communications Healthy 269
Part VI Public Skills
18 Influencing Others 273
Ineffective Strategies for Influencing Change 274
Effective Strategies for Influencing Others 275
A Plan for Influencing Change 279
19 Public Speaking 283
Planning Your Talk 283
Organizing Your Talk 285
Audience Analysis 289
Style 290
Supporting Materials 292
The Outline 293
Delivery 295
Dealing with Stage Fright 296
20 Interviewing 301
Clarifying What You Want 302
When You Are the Interviewer 303
If You Are the Interviewer 312
Conclusion 318
Recommended Reading 321
References 323