Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat: How to Stop Worrying About Your Body and Have Great Sex: The Sex Advice Book for Women with Body Image Issues

by Michael Alvear

Overview

"A must-read for women even if they're one of the lucky ones with no pressing body image issues, and couples who want to strengthen their relationships or just have more fun in bed." — Sex tips for women, Lifebytes books

Is Your Body Image Getting In The Way Of Intimacy And Desire?

Fifty percent of women put off sex—even when they're in the mood—because they feel too fat. Even normal- and below-normal-weight women can't seem to let go and enjoy themselves in bed because they're worried their bodies aren't good enough for their partners.

How A Bad Body Image Impacts Women's Sexual Desire.

Do you find yourself avoiding or postponing sex because you're too self-conscious about your body? Have you started putting "conditions" on sex—only with the lights out, only with cover-up clothing, only in positions that prevent your partner from seeing or touching perceived imperfections?

Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat will change your love life tonight with surprising solutions from the latest sex research. Find out proven ways to:

• Shut off the negative thoughts about your body before, during and after sex.
• Use sex techniques that will make you forget to "check" your thighs or worry about your partner seeing something you're ashamed of.
• Stop panicking when your partner touches a body part you're self conscious about.
• Stay present, attend to your pleasure and engage with your partner.

The Sex Drive Solution For Women Who Struggle With Body Image Issues

Women with body image issues also experience a noticeable drop in their sexual desire. That's because negative body esteem creates low libido in women. By reducing sexual desire it helps them avoid the fear of being shamed in the bedroom. Not Tonight Dear provides the most innovative solutions for low libido, including these sex tips for women:

• The 'Flicker Stage' technique—it'll make your sexual desire go from zero to sixty in minutes.
• Situational and contextual 'cuing'—prompt your sex drive in conscious and subconscious ways. Read the comprehensive list of sex cues that might be right for you.
• The "20/70" exercise—an exercise proven over and over to significantly, sometimes dramatically, raise sexual desire in low libido women—even in those taking antidepressants.

Learn How To Fully Enjoy Sex Without Worrying About How You Look

Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat will help you build body confidence, heal your relationship and provide the blueprint for a vibrant, rewarding sex life. Remember, sex is not the reward for a perfect body. It's the reward for being human.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781402272561
Publisher:	Sourcebooks
Publication date:	05/07/2013
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	240
File size:	911 KB

About the Author

MICHAEL ALVEAR co-hosted the TV series The Sex Inspectors, which aired on HBO. His commentaries have been heard on NPR’s All Things Considered and he made appearances on The Tyra Banks Show and The Today Show. His columns have appeared in The New York Times and Newsweek and he blogs for The Huffington Post.

Read an Excerpt

Introduction

Oh my god, he’s touching it.

Sound familiar? Just about every body-conscious woman says something like that to herself at some point during sex. The “it,” of course, is the part of your body you don’t like. Sometimes this is just a passing thought, but sometimes that thought gets stuck, sets up camp, and gives birth to hundreds of others like it.

You start thinking things like “I’m too fat to have sex,” even though you’re objectively average-sized. You tell friends you’re not having sex till you’re a size six. You put conditions on sex. You wear cover-up clothing. You only have sex with the lights out. You only get in positions that prevent your partner from looking at or touching certain parts of your body. Your partner starts getting a little tired of “conditional sex” and now you start having “duty sex” to avoid losing him or getting into terrible arguments. What you used to enjoy you now endure. Pretty soon your desire for any sex, conditional or not, goes away. Or your libido stays high but self-judgment paralyzes your enjoyment of making love.

Studies in academic periodicals and popular surveys show that this is an alarming trend—millions of women are losing their libido or putting off sex, even when they’re in the mood—because they feel like they’re too fat. Notice that last part—it’s not because they are fat, but because they think they are. The problem is so bad that a study in the Journal of Sex Research concluded that how you feel about your body has more of an influence on sexual functioning than even menopause! Bedroom body shame is ruining sex for a growing number of women, from the petite to the plus size. They are seeing their sex lives fall off the cliff, taking their relationships along with them.

As the co-host of HBO’s Sex Inspectors, a sex makeover series that helped couples improve their love lives, I have seen the damage that bedroom body shame can do to a relationship. In one heartbreaking episode, Sarah, who in no way, shape, or form could be considered fat, was so ashamed of her “jiggly thighs” that she would only have sex in the missionary position, and then only when the lights were out. She could only enjoy sex when her boyfriend couldn’t see her body. She avoided sex more and more as a way of protecting herself, but all she managed to do was drive her boyfriend away.

Sarah had to face the fact that sexual body consciousness was threatening her relationship (and if she’d been single, it would have impinged on her ability to establish one). Diminished sexual satisfaction across time predicts the likelihood of a divorce or a breakup. Lack of sex, or the inability to enjoy it, closes you off to the kind of closeness, meaning, and connection that form the basis of relationships.

On the show I worked with all kinds of couples. Some of the women worked, some stayed at home. Some were single, some were married. Some were childless, some had children. Some were thin, some were average-sized. None were overweight but it didn’t matter—they all struggled with some level of body shame in the bedroom. “I don’t deserve sex,” one woman told me. “Not without a flat belly.” I can’t think of anything you can say to yourself that could be so cruel. Or so wrong. Yet every night, millions of women say some version of this to themselves when their husbands and boyfriends try to express their love physically.

 

Table of Contents

CONTENTS

Introduction

Section One: Do These Thoughts Make Me Look Fat?

1. Why Dieting and Exercise Won't Help Your Body Image

2. How You Ended Up Holding Sex for Ransom

3. The Surprising Solution to Self-Consciousness

4. What Scientific Studies Reveal about the Bodies Men Prefer

Section Two: Preparing for the Sex Life You Deserve

5. Cultivating Sensuality In and Out of the Bedroom

6. Tune In So You Can Turn On

7. Novel Ways of Raising Your Libido

Section Three: How to Unplug Your Thoughts and Resurrect Your Love Life

8. How to Take Your Mind Off Your Body During Sex

9. Using Sexual Competence to Build Body Confidence

10. Tabasco Talk vs. Negative Talk

11. Sexually Fantasizing Your Way Out of Appearance Anxiety

12. Playing with Power

Section Four: Keeping Yourself Safe for Sex

13. What to Do When a Friend, a Date, or Your Partner Criticizes Your Looks

14. What Your Partner Can Do to Help

15. Maintaining a Sexy Future

Bibliography

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Editorial Reviews

"A much needed and highly recommended book for any female who finds herself focusing on perceived body flaws to the detriment of her sex life and relationship... a must-read for any woman who's ever worried whether her body is good enough -- and isn't that most of us?
" - Tracey Cox, international bestselling author of Hot Sex