Nothing Personal: My Secret Life in the Dating App Inferno

by Nancy Jo Sales

Overview

A raw and funny memoir about sex, dating, and relationships in the digital age, intertwined with a brilliant investigation into the challenges to love and intimacy wrought by dating apps, by firebrand New York Times–bestselling author Nancy Jo Sales

At forty-nine, famed Vanity Fair writer Nancy Jo Sales was nursing a broken heart and wondering, “How did I wind up alone?” On the advice of a young friend, she downloaded Tinder, then a brand-new dating app. What followed was a raucous ride through the world of online dating. Sales, an award-winning journalist and single mom, became a leading critic of the online dating industry, reporting and writing articles and making her directorial debut with the HBO documentary Swiped: Hooking Up in the Digital Age. Meanwhile, she was dating a series of younger men, eventually falling in love with a man less than half her age.
 
Nothing Personal is Sales’s memoir of coming-of-middle-age in the midst of a new dating revolution. She is unsparingly honest about her own experience of addiction to dating apps and hilarious in her musings about dick pics, sexting, dating FOMO, and more. Does Big Dating really want us to find love, she asks, or just keep on using its apps? 

​Fiercely feminist, Nothing Personal investigates how Big Dating has overwhelmed the landscape of dating, cynically profiting off its users’ deepest needs and desires. Looking back through the history of modern courtship and her own relationships, Sales examines how sexism has always been a factor for women in dating, and asks what the future of courtship will bring, if left to the designs of Silicon Valley’s tech giants—especially in a time of social distancing and a global pandemic, when the rules of romance are once again changing.
 

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780316492744
Publisher:	Grand Central Publishing
Publication date:	05/18/2021
Pages:	384
Sales rank:	1,125,048
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 8.80(h) x 1.60(d)

About the Author

Nancy Jo Sales is the New York Times bestselling author of American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers and The Bling Ring: How a Gang of Fame-Obsessed Teens Ripped Off Hollywood and Shocked the World. Her work has appeared in Vanity Fair, New York, The Guardian, and many other publications. Known for her stories on teenagers, social media, and fame culture, she is the recipient of a 2010 Mirror Award, a 2011 Front Page Award, and a 2015 Silurian Award. She lives in New York City.

Editorial Reviews

03/01/2021

Sales (American Girls) gets plenty personal in this candid and provocative memoir investigating Big Tech’s disruptions of dating. She argues that dating apps—rife with harassment, powered by algorithms that reinforce racial bias, and designed to be addictive by data-mining companies—are undermining real connection. Yet, approaching age 50 and reeling from recent heartbreak, she’s hardly immune to these “problematic little cattle prods of desire” and embarks on a series of often terrible hookups with 20 some-odd men, including one guy who takes a call from his mom mid-coitus and another who insists that “all girls like being choked.” She eventually finds hot, intimate sex with Abel, but ghosting is a frequent feature of their on-and-off “situationship,” and an act of casual objectification becomes the final straw. Supporting her own experiences with statistics and quotes from researchers, tech execs, and fellow daters, Sales touches on everything from “incels” (members of online “involuntary celibate” communities) to sex robots; the linkages can occasionally strain, as in an analogy between a narrowing of dating experiences and the loss of biodiversity. But Sales’s funny, fresh approach will resonate with many single readers, as well as anyone concerned about the ways technology enables capitalism to invade personal lives. Agent: Jen Marshall, Aevitas Creative (May)

Publishers Weekly

"Incredibly juicy...impossible to put down."—Vox

"It's part memoir, part investigative journalism, all deeply, excruciatingly relatable."—Glamour

"A memoir of swiping right for love from a journalist who crafts page-turners."—Shape

"Nothing Personal packs a lot into its pages: a lot of good sex, a lot of bad sex, and a lot of statistics about both the emotional downsides of online dating and the very real dangers of it."—Bitch Media

“In this warm, witty, and rigorously honest memoir, a "Confessions of an English Opium-Eater–type exposé on dating apps… Against all odds, this unsparing, must-read portrait of modern dating and sex is also a love story.” —Kirkus

“Sales’s funny, fresh approach will resonate with many single readers, as well as anyone concerned about the ways technology enables capitalism to invade personal life.”—Publishers Weekly

"A raw, funny, extremely personal ride through her own experience of looking for love in midlife."
 —Louisa McGillicuddy, Sunday Times

“Nancy Jo Sales puts everything on the table as she investigates the dizzying impact of dating apps in both our culture and her own life. This is a hot and heavy book—hot as in sexy, as in timely, as in fully, unapologetically alive; heavy as in deeply researched, as in saturated with heartache, as in worth its weight in gold.”

—Gayle Brandeis, author of, The Book of Dead Birds

“With her trademark combination of wry wit and razor-sharp observation, Nancy Jo Sales dissects the systemic misogyny woven into the fabric of the capitalist online dating machine. A devastating portrait of how sexual violence and gender inequality are intertwined in many girls’ earliest formative experiences and how their impact echoes down generations."

—Laura Bates, author of, Men Who Hate Women

“A refreshingly honest look into the world of online dating, revealing the myriad ways tech companies are encouraging the same old misogyny, but masquerading it as empowerment.”

—Anita Sarkeesian, Executive Director of Feminist Frequency

“Nancy Jo Sales writes about the ever-changing tides of modern romance with humility and humor that reminds us how human we all are. She explores how this growing surplus of available romantic options commodifies sex and hook ups, turning courtship into utility.”

—Ryan Eggold

“Nancy Jo Sales has been a leading chronicler of our digital culture, its joys and pathologies. Sales is a gift—her journey is powerful and raw, and her humor amidst it all made it difficult to put the book down. Brava, this is a masterpiece.”

—Danielle Citron, author of, Hate Crimes in Cyberspace

“Groundbreaking… I love Nancy Jo's honesty and her connection with her own brain, heart and soul. It’s so unbelievably refreshing to read the words of a woman that are so based in truth, her truth. I love this book so much. I didn’t want to put it down.” 

—Peri Gilpin

“Nancy Jo Sales has written an unflinching confession and thoroughly researched expose of how big tech has affected the way we relate now. Amid so much hot sex, I found myself chilled to the bone.” 

—Iris Smyles, author of, Dating Tips for the Unemployed

“An adrenaline-fueled romp through the world of online dating.  At once hilarious and disturbing, Sales recounts not only how this technology shapes our experiences of love and dating, but also how it transformed her.”

—Breanne Fahs, author of, Burn It Down

“Through a personal narration that opens your mind to the world of relationships biased by a culture manipulated by technology, Nothing Personal explores an unimagined reality for some and the lived dating experience for many. Throughout the narrative, this book will keep you going down the rabbit hole.”

—Dr. Ayanna Howard, dean of Ohio State University’s College of Engineering

“Nancy Jo Sales is officially the world expert of dating apps. For years, she’s been a rare voice exposing the underbelly of hookup tech. The retaliation by Tinder to her earlier work didn’t stop her from penetrating the industry harder.  Now, she’s reincarnated as a user taking us on the harrowing journey of her own hookups while telling us the ugly truth about the misogyny these companies perpetuate.”

—Carrie Goldberg, author of, Nobody’s Victim

“A wonderful, wonderful book. Nancy Jo Sales has always been a brilliant chronicler of the sexual mores of our time. But Nothing Personal manages the enjoyable feat of reading like a touching memoir, a well-researched and balanced feminist treatise, and a frequently funny journey through funny/sad love stories like Sex in the City for the smartphone era. Like most smartphone excesses, dating app romances can be awful, but Sales is a great literary Virgil.”

—Dimitry Elias Leger, author of, God Loves Haiti

“The great Nancy Jo Sales pulls off such a  blistering, truly heartbreaking book about looking for love, it should come wrapped in fire-proofing!”—E. Jean Carroll

“Sales nails the confounding ordeal of grappling with singledom and COVID-19 at the same time, a unique aspect of this book that will resonate with many readers. Relatable, hilarious, heart-breaking, and eye-opening, Nothing Personal is an updated Sex and the City.”

—Booklist

"A hero's quest, a work of reporting and sociology, and a story about the ways misogyny can misshape a woman's life... If you're single and swiping, Nothing Personal will make you feel seen. And if you’ve found your person, or your people, you’ll hold on to them that much more tightly."
 —AirMailWeekly

"I love the work [Nancy Jo Sales] is doing. Keep up the good fight, Nancy Jo."—Kara Swisher, Pivot Podcast

“[NOTHING PERSONAL] is a thrilling read. . .Trust me on this, if you read the first page or two, you’ll be hooked."

—Anne Lamott, author of, Dusk Night Dawn

“In Nothing Personal, Nancy Jo Sales holds nothing back! This book isn't just about dating in the digital age, it's about learning to love yourself for who you are, no matter what age or size.”

—Tyra Banks

"Sales weaves in a thoroughly researched and reported analysis of sexism, technology, and dating, and she also makes a much bigger argument: that dating apps have exacerbated misogyny."—Slate

"A fascinating but harrowing account of our relationship to dating apps.”
 —New York Times

“V.F contributor Nancy Jo Sales’s latest catalogs her foray into the seductive world of swipes and matches alongside interviews with experts and fellow lovelorns.”—Vanity Fair

“An investigative memoir that sheds light on the misogyny, ageism, racism, and emotional and sexual dissatisfaction that plagues modern dating culture."—Toronto Sun

From the Publisher

04/16/2021

With this latest work, best-selling author Sales (American Girls; The Bling Ring) adds her voice to the conversation about dating apps and societal expectations that reduce unpartnered women's bodies and identities to sociosexual disposability. She shares her personal dating mishaps and misgivings about dating apps in raw, rhetorically sophisticated anecdotes that draw attention to broader issues of sex, sexuality, aging, isolation, and the value we give ourselves and others. As Sales attempts to date again, she finds herself becoming interested in broader societal issues, including recent lawsuits involving Tinder and OkCupid. Sales acknowledges her own privilege as a white woman and explores how dating apps reinforce misogyny and racism and emphasize appearance above all else. Her book is especially valuable in its refusal to accept social scripts related to women's aging bodies; it might strip away some of the apprehension women have about using technology in smart and safe ways. VERDICT Refreshingly candid throughout, Sales's memoir and investigation of the history of love and intimacy will engage readers who have found themselves dating later than they expected.—Emily Bowles, Lawrence Univ., WI

Library Journal

★ 2021-02-16
Despite the title, a very personal—and thoroughly researched—memoir of dating younger men.

In this warm, witty, and rigorously honest memoir, a "Confessions of an English Opium-Eater–type exposé on dating apps,” Sales takes us behind the scenes of her work as a journalist and filmmaker and her own experiences with Tinder. The most affecting of these involved a mostly irresistible, sometimes disappointing young man she calls Abel, 23 to her 49 when they met, with whom she remained involved for four years, while both continued swiping and hooking up with others. The author, “a single mom by choice,” managed to keep her daughter, Zazie, in the dark about her love life—thank God for summer camp—and relied on a supportive network of friends and the proprietors of her neighborhood bar and cafe to help her keep some perspective on her experiences. Ironically, the same year she met Abel, Sales went to war with Tinder by publishing in Vanity Fair what was apparently the first article to criticize the dating app. The company fought back with a smear campaign, but Sales continued working—and dating. On the memoir side, Sales writes engagingly about her parents and her coming-of-age in Florida waiting tables in their hippie diner, and she takes us through some failed relationships, her successful journalism career, and stories of dating during the pandemic. The personal narrative is illuminated by often chilling research—e.g., a 2014 Harvard Business School study that “should dispel any notion that millennial men ‘see women as equals’ ” or a 2019 survey that found “31 percent of the women…reported being sexually assaulted or raped by someone they had met through an online dating site. Sales makes it abundantly clear that it’s not pretty out there.

Against all odds, this unsparing, must-read portrait of modern dating and sex is also a love story.

Kirkus Reviews