Nurturing Resilience in Our Children: Answers to the Most Important Parenting Questions / Edition 1

by Robert Brooks, Sam Goldstein

Overview

TOP CHILD PSYCHOLOGISTS OFFER EXPERT INSIGHT AND PRACTICAL ADVICE FOR RAISING STRONG KIDS IN TODAY'S COMPLICATED WORLD

In their critically acclaimed parenting bestseller, Raising Resilient Children, Drs. Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein introduced readers to their breakthrough parenting model for raising resilient, emotionally healthy children capable of confronting life's challenges and bouncing back from setbacks.

In this important Q&A follow-up book, Brooks and Goldstein elaborate and expand upon their theory of resilience by supplying reasonable, jargon-free answers to dozens of questions typically asked by the thousands of parents they've encountered through their workshops, seminars, and lectures.

They discuss such important topics as:

• Helping children feel special and appreciated
• Teaching children how to solve problems and make decisions
• Encouraging self-discipline, self-control, and interpersonal skills

Fostering Resilience in Our Children shows parents how to help their children develop key competencies and character traits.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780658021107
Publisher:	McGraw Hill LLC
Publication date:	09/28/2002
Pages:	320
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.80(d)

About the Author

Robert Brooks, Ph.D., on the faculty of Harvard Medical School, is one of today's leading speakers and authors on the themes of resilience, self-esteem, motivation, and family relationships.

Sam Goldstein, Ph.D., a clinical instructor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Utah and a staff member of the Primary Children's Hospital and the University Neuropsychiatric Institute, is one of today's leading speakers and authorities on child development and neuropsychology.

McGraw-Hill authors represent the leading experts in their fields and are dedicated to improving the lives, careers, and interests of readers worldwide

Read an Excerpt

1

The Dreams and Wishes of Parents: Weaving the Threads of Resilience

Question

People always seem to talk about the "good old days." When I watch old television programs like "Father Knows Best" or "Ozzie and Harriet," it seems that being a parent was so much easier then. I know that these are just television shows and that they probably exaggerate how simple things were, but I am wondering if being a parent is more difficult today than in my parents' or grandparents' time?

Answer

Although shows such as "Father Knows Best" and "Ozzie and Harriet" were just television programs, they do seem to capture a less complicated or complex time of parenting. While we believe the dreams and wishes of parents were likely the same in our parents' and grandparents' time as in yours, there is the sense that it is more difficult today to be an effective parent and to feel confident that our everyday acts of parenting will be successful in reaching the goals we desire for our children. Whether the vantage point is fifty years ago or today, all parents hope that their children will be happy, successful, and prepared to enter the world of adults possessing the inner strength to deal day after day with the challenges and demands they encounter. Though growing up has always presented its share of challenges and pressures for children, we believe there are many more challenges facing children today than fifty years ago. In our fast-paced, stress-filled world, the number of youngsters facing adversity and the number of adversities they face continue to increase dramatically. No child is immune. Even children fortunate to not encounter significant adversity in their lives or to be burdened by intense stress or anxiety experience the pressures around them and the expectations placed upon them.

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Though growing up has always presented its share of challenges and pressures for children, we believe there are many more challenges facing children today than fifty years ago.

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We believe that as a culture becomes more technologically complex, an increased burden is placed upon children as well as parents to adapt to and cope with such systems. In a way it is a mixed blessing. Our children today have dramatically greater technology at their fingertips from information resources to medical support. In this regard, they are better off than their counterparts in past generations. Yet there is a price to pay. That price we believe is increased stress and pressure and the greater need for children at younger ages to develop coping strategies to master the stresses in their lives.

Some might argue that the solution lies in making the world a simpler place for our children. However, while making major changes in our children's environment may be an admirable goal, it has significant limitations, not the least of which are the many forces impinging on children beyond the control of parents. Instead, what seems to make the greatest sense is for parents to focus on what they do have some control over, namely, helping children develop the skills to deal with and, hopefully, change for the better the world we have created. The centerpiece of these skills is resilience. If we want to raise resilient children we must avoid expending all of our energy on attempting to change the world; rather we must begin by changing what we do with our children. We can no longer afford to assume that if our children don't face significant stress they will be unburdened as they transition into adult life.

Yes, we do believe today's children are growing up in a more complex, uncertain time than past generations. However, we are optimistic that these greater complexities will not lead parents to throw up their hands in frustration wondering what they can do. Rather, they will be prompted to search for guideposts to develop a resilient mindset in their children. Such a mindset will serve their children well in any environment.

Question

It seems that I am hearing the word resilient more and more. Since the terrorist attacks on September 11, many people have used the word to describe the United States. A sportscaster once referred to a baseball team as resilient since they had many injuries but were still in first place. Then I heard a newscaster call a country resilient after an earthquake that destroyed many buildings and led to many casualties. Finally, I saw a news feature about a boy who was fighting cancer. The reporter said he was such a resilient kid. So what exactly does resilient mean?

Answer

It does seem that the word resilient is heard more and more. Actually, the word was originally used to apply to physical properties and is defined in the dictionary as "springing back or rebounding." It is the act of returning to an original form or position after being bent, compressed, or stretched. In the last twenty to twenty-five years, the meaning of resilience has been broadened to include a psychological dimension, that is, to describe people who "bounced back" from stress, trauma, or adversity. All of the examples you mentioned capture adverse situations in which people have responded in a positive way despite stress, injury, or adversity.

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Resilience should be understood as a vital ingredient in the process of parenting all children, a process that directs our interactions as we strengthen our children's ability to meet life's challenges and pressures with confidence and perseverance.

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Researchers studying resilience have typically focused on youngsters undergoing great risk such as the boy you mentioned with cancer. They have examined such risk factors as children being exposed to abuse, neglect, poverty, or mental illness in a parent. These are all worthy areas of study. However, we believe that the concept of resilience should be expanded to embrace not only children experiencing these and other hardships but to every youngster and that it should define a process of parenting that is essential if we are to prepare our children for success in all areas of their future lives. Resilience should be understood as a vital ingredient in the process of parenting all children, a process that directs our interactions as we strengthen our children's ability to meet life's challenges and pressures with confidence and perseverance. The principles involved in raising resilient children can serve as guideposts as we teach children about friendships, school, community, and dealing with challenges and mistakes, as well as meeting responsibilities.

Some may contend that our expanded application of the concept of resilience is so broad that it encompasses almost all aspects of raising children. We would not disagree, but we would see this more comprehensive definition as a positive phenomenon rather than as a watering down of an important concept. The development of resilience in our children is one of the most important tasks of parenting.

Question

In your lectures you talk about the importance of developing a resilient mindset in children. What does mindset really mean and what are the main characteristics of a resilient mindset? What impact does a mindset have in how a child actually behaves?

Answer

It seems that just as the word resilience is being increasingly used by many people, so too is the word mindset. When we write about a mindset, we are referring to a set of ideas, beliefs, attitudes, skills, and assumptions, all of which guide our behavior relative to a specific topic or issue. In this case we are referring to these qualities as they relate to resilience. Often we are not aware of or reflect upon the components of our mindset or how our mindset actually influences our behavior. Yet, as psychologists we believe strongly that our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes combine as powerful predictors in determining how we behave and ultimately deal with everyday life. In our experience it is not unusual to find that many parents have not thought about or challenged the assumptions they hold about parenting and their children's behavior.

As an example, one mother with whom we worked, had a temperamentally difficult-to-manage five-year-old daughter. The mother's mindset was that her daughter was acting difficult on purpose, and the mother told us that she was convinced that for some reason the girl was attempting to get her angry. Given this view, the mother reacted by becoming increasingly punitive, prompting the girl to feel unloved and resentful. Not surprisingly, the result was the establishment of a negative cycle between this mother and her daughter.

When we interviewed this girl, her mindset was that her mother was unfair and didn't love her. It wasn't until we helped change this mother's assumptions about her daughter by discussing the different temperaments in children and how her daughter was not placed on this earth to make her life miserable (a belief that mother had expressed in a moment of frustration), that the mother could accept our recommendations for working with a temperamentally difficult youngster. Without realizing it, this mother's assumption about her daughter's behavior was actually prompting her to respond in ways that worsened their relationship and lessened her daughter's ability to be resilient. Once this mother's mindset and subsequent behaviors changed, so did her daughter's in a positive way.

Another illustration that relates directly to the mindset of resilient individuals pertains to how children understand the reasons for the mistakes they make. Children who believe that a mistake is a sign of failure or inadequacy and something that is not easily corrected are likely to avoid mistakes at all costs or become increasingly more helpless and unhappy in the face of failure. Such children may attempt to mask their feelings of failure by saying the task is stupid and quitting, or by becoming class clowns or class bullies. In contrast, another child dealing with the very same mistakes and issues may possess a decidedly different mindset, believing that mistakes are challenges to overcome rather than failures to avoid. This child's mindset will direct him or her to seek assistance from others and figure out ways of solving the problem.

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A resilient child is an emotionally healthy child equipped to successfully confront challenges and bounce back from setbacks.

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Resilient children possess a mindset that is strikingly different from children who are not resilient and who have not been successful or able to overcome adversity. As parents understand the features of this mindset, the more they can help to nurture and reinforce it in their children. A resilient mindset is what we hope for all children. A resilient child is an emotionally healthy child equipped to successfully confront challenges and bounce back from setbacks. As we will discuss in our answers to questions in subsequent chapters, children possessing a resilient mindset feel special and appreciated. They have learned to set realistic goals and expectations. They develop the ability to solve problems and have confidence in their decisions. This leads them to view mistakes or obstacles as challenges rather than stresses. Children possessing a resilient mindset rely on productive coping strategies. Their self-concept is filled with images of strength and competence. They have developed effective interpersonal skills in their relationship with both children and adults. They are comfortable in seeking out assistance and believe that there are adults in their lives who care about and are available to them.

Our focus has been on how parents through day-in and day-out interaction with their children can develop and reinforce this "product" that we are calling a resilient mindset. The more parents are aware of the power of this mindset in their own lives and the lives of their children, the more they can make appropriate changes and become more effective parents.

Question

I heard you speak at a parenting workshop and was intrigued that as parents our mindset plays a large role in fostering resilience in our children. It's something I hadn't really thought about before, but I realize what an important concept it is. What are the characteristics of the mindset of parents who are more likely to nurture resilience in their children? And, as important, is it something that can be learned? One of the problems I see is that if I think too much about mindsets I might begin to analyze every assumption or every behavior of mine or of my children. I worry that if I do too much thinking about my parenting, I might become paralyzed in my interactions with my kids. Yet, I do want to increase my skills in understanding my mindset and that of my kids.

Answer

You raise some important questions. As we have noted, many caring, well-meaning parents have not thought about how our assumptions, including how we view ourselves, our parenting skills, and the behaviors of our children, really do determine the quality of a parent-child relationship. We believe that with awareness and practice, mindsets can be changed without having to analyze every behavior that appears in our household. We certainly don't want parents to become pseudo-psychologists poised to interpret every comment or gesture of their children, a stance that may create the appearance of a Woody Allen comedy (or tragedy). If parents understand the basic features of a resilient mindset, then we think that they will be better equipped to learn to interact with their children in a more natural and less artificial way as they reinforce this mindset in their children.

In essence, parents engaging in the process of raising resilient youngsters possess an understanding of what they can do to nurture a resilient mindset. We believe that it is a process that until now has not been actively attended to nor directly taught to parents. Some parents intuitively do it more effectively than others. However, it is our opinion that all parents are capable of learning about and appreciating the components of resilience. While the specifics of how we relate to each child will be different given their different temperaments, the process of nurturing resilience can be directed by an established set of guideposts and principles for every child. Keep in mind that children's lives are shaped by multiple factors, including their temperament, their family history and values, their educational experiences, and the culture in which they are raised. The guideposts for fostering resilience in children provide principles and ideas applicable for all children.

The mindset of a parent capable of fostering resilience in children is shaped and directed by ten important guideposts that we described in our book Raising Resilient Children. These form the foundation to help reinforce the mindset of resilient youth. Though some may seem obvious and commonsense activities or ideas that most reasonable parents would follow without difficulty, we have come to learn that what appears obvious requires continuous thought and reflection, so that we don't lose sight of what is truly important. The ten guideposts embedded in the minds of parents who foster resilience in their children, which we will address in greater detail in our answers to questions in subsequent chapters, include:

1. Being empathic. In the parenting relationship, empathy is the capacity of parents to put themselves inside the shoes of their youngsters and see the world through their eyes. Remember, empathy does not imply that you agree with everything your children do but that you attempt to appreciate and validate their point of view. You learn to ask yourself such questions as: "Would I want anyone to say or do things to me that I am saying or doing to my children?" or "How do I say and do things in a way that my children will be most responsive to listening to me?"

2. Communicating effectively and listening actively. To influence their children, parents must develop the skills to listen actively to what their children are communicating. Parents must keep in mind that they must find times to give their children undivided attention and to validate what their children are attempting to say to them even if they do not agree with their children's views.

3. Identifying and rewriting negative scripts. Parents possessing a resilient mindset recognize that if something they have said or done for a reasonable time is not effective then they must change their script if their children are to change theirs. Many parents continue to believe that if they keep saying the same things to their children, it is the responsibility of their children to change. This often leads to the same negative behaviors occurring year after year after year. As one parent said, "My children are going to outlast me. I better think of different ways of responding to them!" We agree.

4. Believing in their worth. A basic guidepost for building resilience is the presence of at least one adult who believes in the worth of the child. They must love their children in ways to help them to feel special and appreciated. This implies finding times to be alone with each child so that each child has our undivided attention during the week.

5. Being accepting. One of the most difficult tasks for parents is to accept their children's unique temperament. This, of course, implies that parents are very aware of the impact of temperament on a child's development and behavior. By accepting our children for who they are, we can help to set realistic goals and expectations for ourselves and them, resulting in a more satisfying, less tense parent-child relationship.

6. Focusing on strengths. Resilient children do not deny the problems they face, but they recognize and focus on their strengths. Parents possessing a mindset to foster resilience help their children experience success by identifying and reinforcing their islands of competence. Every child possesses these areas of strength. Parents must promote these rather than overemphasizing children's weaknesses.

7. Viewing mistakes as learning opportunities. Resilient children tend to view mistakes as opportunities for learning. When children make mistakes parents must use these opportunities to reinforce the message that mistakes are experiences from which to learn. It is important not to respond to our children's mistakes with comments that are demeaning or belittling. These only serve to erode the foundation for a resilient mindset.

8. Fostering a sense of responsibility. Resilient children possess a sense of responsibility. A major task of parents is to help children develop responsibility, compassion, and a social conscience. Although there are various ways to accomplish this, one of the most effective is by providing them with opportunities to make contributions to their home, school, and community.

9. Building self-esteem. Resilient children are those with high self-esteem who believe they are masters of their fate. They have a realistic sense of what they have control over and focus on those aspects of their lives. This implies that they also possess effective problem-solving and decision-making skills that are carefully nurtured by their parents.

10. Using discipline to teach. Finally, parents possessing a mindset to foster resilience, understand that one of their most important roles is to be a disciplinarian in the true sense of the word. That is, they understand that discipline stems from the word disciple and is a teaching process, not a process of intimidation and humiliation. The ways in which we discipline our children either reinforce or weaken their self-esteem, self-control, and ultimately the capacity for resilience.

Question

I have a ten-year-old son. In observing him I would say he is resilient. If he loses a game he practices twice as hard the following week. If he doesn't do well on a quiz he will put in extra time studying for the next test. But I also notice he will sometimes put a teammate down if the teammate makes an error. He once talked about how stupid a girl in his class was since she never earned more than a C on a test. On the one hand he seems resilient, but I don't understand why he has to make fun of others.

Answer

You raise a very good point. We believe that if children are resilient they do not feel the need to put down their peers. Being resilient does not imply feeling superior to or better than others. Actually, in our view, resilience is associated with greater empathy, caring, and compassion. Resilience does not equate to insensitivity. Children who face and overcome adversity are not unaffected by their experiences. In fact, they are greatly affected. However, by possessing a resilient mindset and in particular by having certain supports available to them during times of adversity, they have been able to transform these negative experiences into a positive life outcome in which they are often more understanding and tolerant of their peers.

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Empathic individuals are able to "walk in the shoes of others."

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Based on your description your son appears to possess many resilient qualities. He views mistakes as challenges. He accepts that if he doesn't do well it is his responsibility to work harder to succeed the next time. We suspect that your child has also developed reasonably good self-discipline and islands of competence. Given our relatively limited information, we are not certain if his self-expectations are too demanding, prompting him to place too much pressure on himself to succeed. However, what seems more apparent is that for whatever reason your son is not demonstrating one critical component of a resilient mindset, one that we would hope you would be able to help him develop, namely, empathy. Empathic individuals are able to "walk in the shoes of others." They can identify with the feelings, thoughts, and attitudes of others and would not say to their peers what they would not want said to them. Given the successes your child has experienced, we believe that your focus as a parent should be to nurture empathy in your son.

How best to do this? Begin by attempting to understand and reflect upon your child's perspective. Don't confuse empathy with giving in, spoiling, or being indecisive. It would appear that at this point your son is holding everyone to his standard. If he makes a mistake or doesn't do well he puts in extra time to perform better. This is fine unless you feel he is placing too much pressure on himself to succeed. If this is the case, you might help him to develop more realistic expectations and point out that everyone makes mistakes and the best way to learn from these mistakes is not to feel humiliated or intimidated by others. In a nonaccusatory way you can wonder how a teammate who makes an error or a classmate who earns a C on a test feels and what he might say to be more encouraging.

Sometimes when we engage in these conversations our children will respond that this is a particular classmate who has always done poorly and has been unable to improve. Once again empathy should be our guiding principle. Attempt to help your child understand that although he possesses the skills to learn from poor test performance and achieve higher scores some people may not. Remember that teaching empathy, similar to reinforcing any of the components of a resilient mindset, takes time. In the next chapter we will respond to a number of questions concerning empathy.

Question

I think my wife and I provide our children with a great deal of love, with a good education, and with enriching activities in the community. Our kids seem to enjoy school and these activities. Are these things enough to guarantee that our children will be resilient?

Answer

It seems that you and your wife are doing the right things to develop a resilient mindset in your children. However, there are no guarantees that even children from loving homes will easily develop resilience. Some children may be born with a greater capacity for resilience. In contrast, other youngsters, even when provided with love, a good education, and community activities, may struggle when faced with typical stress and adversity. For example, children confronted with such problems as depression, anxiety, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, and learning disabilities, all of which have a strong biological basis, will face a greater uphill battle to become resilient. It is not that biology is destiny, but biology does play an influential role in a child's development.

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Parents focused on raising resilient children must appreciate how different each child is at birth and must develop realistic expectations for their children and for themselves.

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Parents focused on raising resilient children must appreciate how different each child is at birth and must develop realistic expectations for their children and for themselves. This requires that the ways they communicate love, the kinds and number of community activities in which they involve their children, and their demands for school success must be determined by their knowledge of the unique makeup of each child. In addition, when parents understand the differences in each child they will be better equipped to avoid the pitfall of assuming more responsibility for their children's success and more blame for their failure than is warranted, a situation that typically leads to greater frustration and anger.

We wish to emphasize that even given these strong innate influences, parents play a major role in their children's development. Adhering to the guideposts we have described for nurturing a resilient mindset will ensure that you are doing the best you can in helping your child prepare to be a happy, successful adult. Just keep in mind that some children, particularly those with emotional, developmental, or behavioral problems, require more time and input than others in this process. Yet, the development of resilient qualities is even more important for these children as they face greater adversity in their current lives and, as researchers have demonstrated, in their teen and young adult lives as well.

Question

It seems from what I have read that resilient kids are kids who have overcome adversity. I have a five-year-old daughter and a seven-year-old son. When I look at them I want them to be resilient but it pains me to think of them facing adversity. I just feel like coming to their rescue or protection when they are upset by something so that they don't experience frustration or distress. Do my actions deprive them of an opportunity to become more resilient? How do I know when to step in to soothe them and when to let them handle things on their own?

Answer

Your question touches a very important point about when parents must let their children experience some frustration and failure and when it is time to move in. We have sometimes said at our workshops that being a parent is like walking a tightrope, at times. It's a real balancing act in which you don't want to move sideways in either direction too far or you might fall off the tightrope. Some parents, picking up on this metaphor, have added, "And there doesn't seem to be a safety net underneath." Actually, we believe that typically there is a safety net from which parents can bounce back, be resilient, and attempt new approaches.

Addressing your question more specifically, the basic premise of our model is that children don't need to suffer in order to develop a resilient mindset or the qualities of resilience. They do, however, need to experience the typical successes and failures that are encountered by all youngsters, and when they do experience these situations, parents must respond in ways that reinforce a resilient mindset. Although the outcome of a specific issue or problem is important, even more vital are the lessons our children learn from the process of dealing with issues and problems. Regardless of success or failure, knowledge gained provides the experience from which the seeds of resiliency develop and flourish.

Thus, your role is to ensure as much as possible that your expectations are reasonable and your children are not exposed to undue hardship. When they succeed, you must help them to take realistic credit for their success in order to build up a reservoir of ownership and confidence. When they make mistakes or fail, you must avoid being judgmental or accusatory, but instead find ways of assisting them to see that they can learn from falling down. When they are feeling down, you must be empathic and acknowledge their feelings without rushing in to rescue them.

It is not always an easy call to know when to step in and when to let our children struggle a little. We advise parents to trust their instincts and judgment and to keep in mind how their past responses have impacted their children. If you find that in your attempts to keep your children from feeling frustrated, they are less apt to attempt new things or to persevere on difficult tasks, this is a strong cue you are overprotecting them and keeping them from opportunities to learn what they are capable of doing. In some situations it is helpful to communicate to our children that we are available should they need our help. If they call upon us, we can use our involvement as a learning experience to help them sort out what they can do by themselves and when they need our assistance. If they are having difficulty but don't call on us, we can also use that as a way of communicating we admire their perseverance but that it is sometimes helpful to enlist the input of others.

And don't worry. How to walk across the tightrope without falling off too often is a learning experience for all of us as parents. The more we do it, the better our balance will be.

Question

Sometimes I think we are in an "arms race" when it comes to raising children. We continue to create a more complicated world that is overwhelming to many children. Then we have to teach them to be more resilient. Wouldn't it be better if we could figure out how to make the world less complicated?

Answer

As we discussed in an earlier answer, it is a reality that our world is not going to become less complicated. But complexity does not necessarily have to equate with significant stress and adversity. We are distressed by the statistics reflecting the number of children who live below the poverty level, or who are abused or neglected in the United States and throughout the world. Technology and complexity are not to blame for these problems. We can have a complex yet humane child-focused culture. Even so we don't believe that changing the world around us offers a complete solution. We are not suggesting that we should not be involved in even small ways to change conditions in our community that will lead to a healthier emotional and physical environment for our children. However, we must be realistic of what we can change in the world and what we can change in our day-to-day interactions with our children. Even if we could do so, we are not in favor of freezing our culture in a time warp of years long past. A basic belief we espouse is that if we want to raise resilient children we must not concentrate all of our energy on changing the world around us, but we must begin by changing what we do with our children. Hopefully, the guideposts we have suggested to nurture resilience will provide direction as we interact and teach our children.

Always keep in mind the influence we have as parents to protect our children from undue stress and to instill in them a sense of hope and optimism even when the "outside" world is filled with painful events.

Question

I have twin brothers. They are fraternal twins. One of them is happily married, has a wonderful job, always has a smile on his face, and is upbeat. He was that way as a kid. My other brother is just the opposite. He never seems happy. He has been married three times, can't seem to hold a job for more than a few months, and just doesn't seem satisfied with anything in his life. How can they be so different having the same parents and growing up in the same environment? Is it all genetic? If they were identical twins would they be exactly the same? The reason I have even more of an interest than ever before is that I have two-year-old fraternal twin boys and I am already seeing differences in them even though I think my husband and I treat them the same. Is there anything else I should be doing?

Answer

Your question touches on several important issues related to factors that help children develop a resilient mindset, which as you indicate take on greater personal relevance since you have fraternal twin boys of your own. First, you ask, "Is it all genetic?" We know that temperamental characteristics are present at birth, and as one parent said at a workshop, "It's in the genes." While that statement is true to some extent, it only captures part of the story. The full picture is more complex.

Obviously, identical twins are the siblings most likely to have the same temperamental features given that they emerge from the same egg and sperm, but even with identical twins there may be differences at birth. Fraternal twins genetically are similar to different age brothers or sisters; they will have more of a probability of sharing similar temperamental characteristics than those who are not blood relations but not to the same degree as identical twins. Thus, in the case of your fraternal twin brothers whom you describe as very different even as kids, we would not be surprised to find that they were already quite different from birth.

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Many parents find it easier to relate to and be affectionate with one of their children than another.

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However, as we constantly emphasize, a child's temperament alone does not determine all facets of his or her thoughts, emotions, and behavior. This is where the influence of parents enters and a complicated picture emerges (is there anything that is not complicated in parenting?). Although parents may say that they treat all their children the same or that they love all of their children the same amount (however one measures love), this is rarely the case. Many parents find it easier to relate to and be affectionate with one of their children than another. This phenomenon may be based on several factors including a child's temperament. Some children love to be held, while others don't. Some loved to be kissed, while others back away. Some are cheery and always smiling--as is the case with one of your brothers--while others are more difficult to interact with since they are needy and perpetually unhappy, which seems to be the situation with your other brother.

Subtly or not so subtly most parents enjoy interacting with a child who makes them feel good as a parent. Children are rather perceptive in knowing if a parent likes to be with them. However, children are often unaware of how their own actions play a role in influencing their parents' behavior. Thus, a child with an unhappy, difficult-to-please temperament is likely to evoke negative feelings from his or her parents, negative feelings that lead the child to conclude, "My parents don't love me," "My parents aren't fair," "My parents love my brother more than they love me," or "My brother always gets much more than I do." When children feel this way, they are prone to respond in a negative, less cooperative manner with their parents, which invites further parental anger and frustration. A negative script is set in motion.

Also, even if your brothers' temperaments were similar, your parents might have had different feelings about them based on such factors as their physical appearance or birth order. We once worked with parents who had fraternal twin girls. In the course of therapy, the mother became more aware of the fact that the older twin reminded her of herself while the younger one was more similar in looks to mother's younger sister, whom mother described as "selfish" and "always opinionated." Without realizing it, these perceptions of her sister colored this mother's view of her twin daughters.

Thus, even if children are raised in the same home, their images of themselves and of others may be markedly different based on their temperament, their parents' response to their temperament, and their perception of their parents' actions. As is evident, many factors contribute to the emergence of a child's personality.

In terms of your own twins, try to appreciate each one's unique temperament and respond accordingly. Being fair does not mean you should do the same thing with each of your sons but rather that you should respond to each based on what each needs. Examine whether the perceptions you have about your twin brothers impact on how you see and respond to each of your sons, always keeping in mind that although your sons are fraternal twins just as your brothers are, your sons are different from your brothers. Also, find time to be alone with each of your sons, and your husband should do the same. This is important for all siblings but sometimes of greater urgency when you have children who are often lumped together under the label "the twins." Use all of your interactions to foster a resilient mindset in each of your sons.

Question

This may seem like a silly question but I have been thinking a lot about it. Is resilience inherited, at least in part?

Answer

Your question is not silly and is raised in different ways by many parents. We doubt there are "resilience genes." However, as we have alluded to in a number of our other answers, we believe strongly that there are qualities of human temperament and behavior that protect and insulate children, increasing the likelihood that one child will be resilient while another will be at-risk. Some children are very easy to comfort from birth while others are much more difficult to calm and comfort. This latter group often experiences a very low emotional threshold and a high intensity of reaction. That is, small amounts of negative stimulation in the environment, amounts that usually don't result in much distress for other children, distress these children a great deal.

It might be helpful to imagine that you are one of these easily stressed children. Consider what life is like if multiple times during the day the minor stresses that have little, if any, impact, on most children are very upsetting to you. Imagine that when you are upset, you respond primarily through tantrums. How would these reactions influence your self-image and the manner in which you perceive others treat you? Because of your low emotional threshold the often innocent actions of others are experienced by you as very distressing and thereby "intended" to upset you. Certainly this type of temperament would work against the development of a resilient mindset. We are not suggesting that children with this temperamental style are incapable of developing resilience but rather that parents need to understand that the development of resilient qualities may require more effort, consistency, tolerance, and support on their part.

Although resilience genes may not exist, what do exist are inborn characteristics that will predispose children toward becoming more or less resilient. Although children may begin at a different point along a "resilience continuum," where they end up along this continuum will be greatly determined by their daily interactions with their parents and other adults.

Table of Contents

	Quick Solution Finder	ix
	Preface	xiii
1	The Dreams and Wishes of Parents: Weaving the Threads of Resilience	1
2	Teaching and Conveying Empathy: Through the Eyes of Others	19
3	Communicating Effectively: To Listen, to Learn, to Influence	41
4	Changing the Words of Parenting: Rewriting Negative Scripts	67
5	Parental Love: When Children Feel Special and Appreciated	89
6	Words of Acceptance: Stories to Help Children Learn to Set Realistic Expectations and Goals	115
7	Nurturing Islands of Competence: The Experience of Joy and Success	143
8	Mistakes Are Experiences from Which to Learn	161
9	Responsibility, Compassion, and a Social Conscience: Giving of One's Self	185
10	Teaching Our Children to Make Decisions and Solve Problems	201
11	Self-Discipline and Self-Worth: The Keys to Success	217
12	The Alliance Between Parents and Schools	241
13	Todd's Story: The Process of Resilience	261
	Recommended Reading	289
	Index	291