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CHAPTER 1
WAS ETHEL MERMAN A MORMON?
UNIFICATION
The Mississippi at its mouth Joins the Gulf of Mexico,
The west wind mixes with the south,
High pressure with the low.
Nothing in nature stands apart,
All things rendezvous —
And I would like to mingle with you.
Intermingled, intertwined,
This is what I have in mind,
A sudden urge To merge.
The compound that is chlorophyll Formed as the light increases Makes every little flower thrill With photosynthesis.
The morning glory mingles With the honeysuckle vine.
Come wrap your little tendrils around mine.
I've been lonely as a cloud,
Drifting high and small and proud,
Lonely as a limestone butte —
Handsome, noble, destitute,
And I need you, I confess.
Let's coalesce.
BILLY THE KID
Billy the Kid Didn't do half of what they said he did.
He rustled cattle, I guess it's true,
But bad men was who they belonged to.
He killed some guys, but if you knew 'em You'd say they had it coming to 'em.
Billy the Kid went on the run Down to Mesilla in 1881.
Sheriff Pat Garrett put on the heat And came to the ranch of Billy's friend Pete But it wasn't Billy who was shot by Pat,
It was someone wearing his pants and hat.
Billy the Kid was miles away In Santa Fe with flowers in his hair And I know cuz I was there.
He made a fortune in fermented juices And built a mansion in Las Cruces,
Changed his name to William Bonney,
Wrote "Way Down Upon the Swanee"
And he may have been guilty to a degree But he was always good to me And generous to my family.
Always sent us a Christmas turkey From Albuquerque And chocolate candy From the Rio Grande And an embroidered pillow From Amarillo.
I spoke at his funeral long ago.
He was living in San Luis Obispo,
Big house On the beach.
I gave a nice speech.
People were impressed.
They didn't know he was The most famous outlaw in the West,
Feared from Tucson to Reno.
They knew him as Rudy Valentino.
NOBODY LOVES YOU
Once I lived a life of some renown,
People looked up to me in this town.
They listened to what I had to say.
They named a sandwich for me at Bud's Café.
Then they passed a no-smoking law: no smokes, zero, nada.
And I became persona non grata.
Nobody loves me When I take a smoke.
I pull out a Camel or a Lucky Strike,
They point to the door and say, "Take a hike."
I step out on the sidewalk and take my drag With the homeless lady with the garbage bag.
I went to a party at some old pals' of mine.
They grilled steaks, poured a vintage wine.
After dinner, feeling swell I reached in my pocket, pulled out a Pall Mall.
The room got silent, and everyone froze Like I'd just thrown up or taken off my clothes.
I had to stand out back to indulge in my sin Leaning up against the recycling bin.
Out on the street, the smokers stand,
Aliens in a foreign land.
Ginger Rogers smoked and so did Fred Astaire.
It was considered debonair.
Clark Gable smoked, and Cary Grant.
And nowadays you simply can't.
People don't want elegance. They want Clean Air.
So we must stand outdoors and freeze Under the bare limbs of elm trees,
Me and Bogie and Ernie Hemingway,
Huck Finn, Woody Guthrie, Prince Andrei,
One cold day I was talking to Chopin,
Shivering, smoking a cigarette (Turkish).
Is this a decent way to treat a man Who wrote those magnificent mazurkas?
EPISCOPALIAN
(R.I.P. Fats Waller)
I'm slow to anger, don't covet or lust.
No sins of pride except sometimes I really must.
Episcopalian, waiting around for you.
The theology's easy, the liturgy too.
Just stand up and kneel down and do what the others do.
Episcopalian, saving myself for you.
At St. Michael's, we recycle.
At St. Clements, we suck lemons.
Morning dawns on great white swans on the lawns of St. John's.
There's white folks and black, and gay and morose,
Some male Anglo-Saxons but we watch them pretty close.
Episcopalian, maybe you're Anglo too.
ONION SOUP
Sometimes in our lives, there is pain, there are headaches.
But what a difference homemade onion soup makes.
Boil a chicken to make bouillon With salt and tarragon And several chopped onions.
Simmer over a low flame.
Add carrots and celery,
And (why not?) a cup of champagne,
And more onions.
If you're depressed with phlegm in your chest,
Lonesome in winter in the Midwest,
Toss in a sliced chicken breast,
Add croutons or wonton,
Call up Leon, Diane, Don Juan,
Yvonne Dionne, William Shawn, Louis Kahn, Pope John, that whole group,
And serve them soup.
MORMONS
Was Ethel Merman a Mormon?
And how about Jessye Norman,
General Sherman or Uma Thurman?
Mormon? or German?
In an enormous auditorium The former Mormons stood Performing "Stormy Weather"
As warmly as they could.
I'm not a Mormon, nor are you,
Neither was Harmon Killebrew.
The Little Mermaid used to be.
She murmured "Mormon" once to me.
There was a New York doorman And a dorm of sophomore men Who adored Marilyn Monroe —
Was she a Mormon? I donno.
Are former ermine farmers Mormon?
Jorma Kaukonen, Norman Mailer Or Popeye the Sailor?
Pee-Wee Herman or Norma Shearer?
Was there a Mormon in their mirror?
ON THE BEACH
Children walking to and fro.
Are they wearing sunscreen? No.
Babies sitting in the sand Eating food with filthy hands.
Men who go without long pants or Shirts are asking for skin cancer.
Naked women soon will be In chemotherapy.
Food left sitting in the sun,
Salmonella has begun.
Young girls talking to strange men Who just escaped from the state pen.
Why are we here at the ocean,
Under cover, drenched with lotion?
If only we had used our brains And stayed home on the snowy plains.
THONG SONG
To people raised in a railroad shack It is known as your butt crack.
To people who are more verbally deft It is known as the gluteal cleft.
Either way, it's at the bottom of your back Between the one on the right and the one on the left.
Some ladies' swimwear of slender heft Displays freely the gluteal cleft.
On this matter, my mind is shut:
Don't walk around showing off your butt Please desist at least Until I am deceased.
Your gluteal cleft, I must insist,
Should be seen by your dermatologist When treating a rash, or cyst,
And nobody else. No daughter of mine Wears thongs. That's the bottom line.
NEWT
Newt, Newt Wears an Extra Large suit.
His hair is shaped like a parachute.
A grand old Republican galoot With a gleam in his eye and a smirk on his snoot And a horn on his belt he is happy to toot.
Oh he can shimmy and he can shout:
Up with the flag, throw the scoundrels out!
Hurray for the crackers! Down with the fruit!
He's a big balloon with a very slow leak.
What you'd say for a minute, Newt can say for a week.
He knows what politics is all about.
Never had a moment's doubt.
Here's the handle, there's the spout.
Cash goes in and the steam comes out.
EPITHALAMION
After she took a pith,
I happily lay me on Her and there with Her, all restraint gone,
We got excited,
We passionate two O We united E pluribus duo.
Between the sheets,
Belly to belly,
The envy of Keats And also of Shelley.
ON THE ROAD
I like to get behind the wheel of an automobile And drive the 405 with a girl in the front seat Green bikini and skin so clean and sweet Bare feet up on the dashboard A spoiler in back and four on the floor Mirror shades and the radio playing hits back to back Rat Pack, Hit the Road Jack, Mack the Knife Tires humming on a summertime afternoon Someday we'll get old but no time soon Past pink bougainvillea and neon signs And old tan people with frosted hairdos Polyester suits and shiny white shoes Black-leather hipsters with two-tone hair Go ahead and stare, they don't care Roses, lantana, jasmine in the air Morning glory vines on the green stucco motel A little pink pool under the palm trees Half Hour Photo — we do video and DVDs.
No cops no stops, make a left turn on the red And here's the Dew Drop Drive-in up ahead Carhop walks up, I say Cokes and ice Hamburgers, well-done, onion, bucket of fries Baby doll you and me living free And seeing L.A.
Sh-bop sh-bop sh-bop yeah yeah hey hey And we'll have fun fun fun til Daddy takes the T-Bird away
HALE BOPP
Every four thousand years it swings on by,
A hundred twenty three million miles high,
Big and bright as a comet can be And I feel its gravity pulling on me.
I see it in the sky at night And my head spins and feet get light.
It's only twenty-three miles wide,
Nothing but ice and dust inside,
But on April 1st it approaches the sun,
Achieving its perihelion.
I'll dance with you and we will not stop Until the 8th of May When the comet fades away.
Life is short. Things disappear.
Got to catch them while they're here.
One last dance? Thank you, ma'am.
Hale Bopp a wop bop bam.
IN LOVE
Doctor, doctor, I am ill.
First I'm hot and then I'm chilled.
Heart is pounding like a pump,
Little noises make me jump.
Doctor smiled and shook his head And said, For this, there is no cure.
You're a goner, that's for sure Nothing helps that I know of —
You're in love.
I went to a gospel preacher.
He said, O you sinful creature,
Kneel down and repent Right here in my gospel tent.
But a painted lady in a Cadillac Was waiting for him out back.
Preacher, preacher, not you too?
Yes, he said, what can I do?
I cut a hole in the ice And I walked around it twice.
Finally I jumped in To cleanse myself of carnal sin.
And a woman with no clothes Slowly from the water rose,
Shimmying her narrow hips And kissed me on the lips.
I guess that's the chance you take,
Jumping in a lake.
Love is the universal sport The night is dark and life is short The heart is open, always willing,
The touch of skin is so fulfilling.
Darling, when I look at you There is not much I can do.
Touch is push and push is shove —
I'm in love.
THE FABULOUS FOX
We're here at the Fabulous Fox It dazzles it glitters it rocks If it doesn't thrill You then nothing will And you should be laid out in a box.
The lobby is truly deluxe Makes you feel you are wearing a tux The design is Chinese but Mexican too With touches of Aztec Egypt Peru Some statuary for atmosphere Greek columns and a French chandelier.
The extravagance is so ridiculous You'd think Czar Nicholas Was on his way With Pope Leo, Delores Del Rio and the mayor of Pompeii.
But no it's just me and Darlene Here to see Halloween
And The Creature
A double feature.
CHIVALRY
I would climb mountains, swim the seas,
Walk through a swarm of bumblebees,
Even jump off Lover's Leap For Meryl Streep.
For Bonnie Raitt, I'd be braver.
If the great ship went down, I'd save her.
Run barefoot cross the burning decks,
Save Hillary, Angelina,
Angela, Melina, Tina,
Anything for the gentle sex.
If I were with Zadie Smith,
I'd write great literature,
Hoping to catch her.
I would paint the Sistine ceiling If Christine McVie were kneeling at my feet and saying,
Please.
I'd compose symphonies,
I'd write The Scarlet Letter
If I could know Scarlett Johansson better.
Or an epic drama For Michelle Obama.
ODE TO THE WOMEN ON THE MURAL AT THE STATE THEATRE, HENNEPIN AVENUE,
MINNEAPOLIS
Dear naked ladies Up in the air Naked gurals Of the murals I love your hair
Here it's November The season of flu Weather is cold and drear Nobody's naked here Except for you
Had a good summer Though it was dry I felt mortality Reach out for me,
Time flying by
I go to work at eight Try to write prose Some mornings it's good Some I wish we could Take off our clothes
Dear naked ladies Your naked form Your physiognomies Withstand the winter freeze Keep us all warm
Dear naked ladies Up in the air Ladies of my delight Hope to rise up some night And meet you there
KANSAS
Savannah, Santa Fe, Montana Laurel Canyon, Susquehanna San Francisco or Manhattan Eat your heart out, I'm in Kansas.
I'm in Kansas,
Handsome Kansas In the land of long romances Fertile plants and cash finances Handsome mansions, the advance Of man's expansion here in Kansas.
Rembrandt, Cezanne, could've painted Kansas The landscape's like the south of France is.
Chopin would have written dances Had he hung his pants in Kansas.
All the saints, including Francis,
Prayed that if the Good Lord grants us Second chances, could we Transubstantiate to Kansas?
UROLOGY
Urology Urology O tell me what's the matter At the pot I try to pee It trickles out erratically And then it leaks all over me I have a sad old bladder.
Urology Urology When working on my plumbing Be careful where you put your knife I have to entertain my wife She beats the drum. I play the fife.
I love to hear her coming.
SHOW BUSINESS
Life is like a circus parade Marching along as the calliope's played.
There you are, young and elegant,
Up on the back of the lead elephant In your glittery costume And I'm the guy with the shovel and broom.
My assignment is to scoop Up the piles of elephant poop.
You, my love, are youth and beauty.
I'm on sanitation duty.
A slight demotion, yes, I know But I'm still with the show,
Enjoying the hullabaloo And the health benefits are okay too,
Same as if I were a star,
So there you are.
DOXOLOGY
O Lord, please bless our old State Fair,
The riders whirling in the air,
The ladies who have baked the pies Competing for the First Grand Prize.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow,
The rodeo and talent show.
Praise Him for sugar and for grease,
And may He grant our stomachs peace.
The 4-H girls who show their llamas,
Weeping infants and their mamas,
The homely girl in the homemade dress,
The lonely ones, dear Lord, please bless.
Forgive our gluttony and noise.
Protect the Demolition Derby boys.
May the Fat Man still be sweet Despite the gawkers at his feet.
PSALM
Blessed is the man who does not sit in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the
LORD.
O give thanks unto the LORD; for He is good: for His mercy endureth for ever even through
the 2012 presidential campaign.
Yea, though Barack Obama went blank during the first debate and let that gilded idiot
Romney smarm and strut and puff, yet will I give thanks unto Thee, O LORD GOD.
Yea, though the Gallup poll shows the race in a dead heat and Romney is full of crazed
confidence, and we must contemplate the return of Calvinist economics and smallpox and
indentured servitude and stiffer sentences for stealing bread, yet will I praise Thee, O LORD
GOD.
And though it is late October, and my tongue bleeds from biting it when people whom I
know personally say that maybe Romney can get the economy moving, yet I will attempt to
praise the LORD for His goodness to me.
Romney will be elected President and the White House will be full of grinning
Caucasoids who believe God has given them dominion over the earth. Have mercy upon me and
answer me, O LORD.
And the LORD hath shown mercy. Barack Obama won Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania,
Ohio, Virginia, Nevada, and Florida, and Mr. Romney came on TV stunned, tongue-tied, and
the Koch Brothers and Karl Rove were confounded and had to eat their underwear and Mr.
Obama gave an elegant victory speech and we went to bed saying, Thanks be to You,
O LORD. Your mercy endureth forever. Amen.
CHAPTER 2
A MAJOR FAUX PAS PROHIBITED BY LAW
O, WHAT A LUXURY
O, what a luxury it be What pleasure O what perfect bliss So ordinary and yet chic To pee to piss to take a leak
To feel your bladder just go free And open like the Mighty Miss And all your cares go down the creek To pee to piss to take a leak
For gentlemen of great physique Who can hold water for one week For ladies who one quarter-cup Of tea can fill completely up For folks in urinalysis For little kids just learning this For Viennese or Swiss or Greek For everyone it's pretty great To urinate
Women are quite circumspect But men can piss with great effect With terrible hydraulic force Can make a stream or change its course Can put out fires or cigarettes And sometimes laying down our bets Late at night outside the bars We like to aim up at the stars
O yes for men it's much more grand Women sit or squat We stand And hold the fellow in our hand And proudly watch the golden arc Adjust the range and make our mark On stones and posts for rival men To smell and not come back again
A QUESTION
His wife said, "Please be careful," and he smiled patiently And said, "Hey, don't worry about me."
And he buckled right in with a confident grin And his screwdriver touched a live wire.
And he let out a cry and proceeded to die In a shower of sparks and fire.
And the people who gave the eulogy Spoke of honor and love and ambition.
They spoke well of the dead, and nobody said,
"Why didn't he call an electrician?"
MANNERS
1.
Mind your manners at all times and places.
Be polite on a regular basis.
Say Buenos días as someone approaches,
Or, if it's evening, say Buenas noches,
And please try not to stare.
Everyone has their burden to bear,
So don't be rude.
The man with a snake around his neck And platform shoes and birdcage hair,
Yes, he does appear to be nude —
But what the heck?
Everyone is somewhat unique.
One man's normal is another man's freak.
No matter where you're from,
You too may stick out like a sore thumb.
Yes, that lady's neckline is low,
But you've seen breasts before, I know,
And unless you're an infant who needs to be fed,
Put your eyes back in your head.
2.
Good manners! What more can I say?
Please and Thank you go a long way.
Excuse me and After you and If I may.
Always chew with your mouth shut And please don't scratch your butt.
Do Swedes or Norwegians Scratch their nether regions?
Did President Bush Reach back and itch his executive tush?
No. Only savage brutes Digitally address their glutes.
Someday you may be distinguished And give a speech in very good English At Harvard, to heavy applause,
And because You feel a low irritation —
There is a temptation,
But please. Where were you raised?
In a home of good taste Or in a little mud hut?
Don't scratch your butt.
3.
A fine young man on his way to a meeting,
Handsome, well-dressed, with a beard,
Across the parking lot was proceeding,
When suddenly his finger disappeared.
I thought, Please don't pick your nose.
No matter how good it feels.
Doing it out in the open shows You're an oaf and a lummox. Even CEOs Behind smoked glass in automobiles Who suffer from social psychosis Don't pick their noses.
Do and your stock will drop And that beautiful woman will cry, "Please stop!"
And she'll go away and she will not miss you.
Use a tissue.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "O, What a Luxury"
by .
Copyright © 2013 Garrison Keillor.
Excerpted by permission of Grove Atlantic, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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