On My Own: A Memoir

by Diane Rehm Narrated by Diane Rehm

Overview

In a deeply personal and moving book, the beloved NPR radio host speaks out about the long drawn-out death (from Parkinson's) of her husband of fifty-four years, and of her struggle to reconstruct her life without him.

With John gone, Diane was indeed “on her own,” coping with the inevitable practical issues and, more important, with the profoundly emotional ones. What to do, how to react, reaching out again into the world-struggling to create a new reality for herself while clinging to memories of the past. Her focus is on her own roller-coaster experiences, but she has also solicited the moving stories of such recently widowed friends as Roger Mudd and Susan Stamberg, which work to expose the reader to a remarkable range of reactions to the death of a spouse.

John's unnecessarily extended death-he begged to be helped to die-culminated in his taking matters into his own hands, simply refusing to take water, food, and medication. His heroic actions spurred Diane into becoming a kind of poster person for the “right to die” movement that is all too slowly taking shape in our country. With the brave determination that has characterized her whole life, she is finding a meaningful new way to contribute to the world.

Her book-as practical as it is inspiring-will be a help and a comfort to the recently bereaved, and a beacon of hope about the possibilities that remain to us as we deal with our own approaching mortality.

Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly

12/14/2015
Rehm (Finding My Voice), a popular National Public Radio host and author, has dedicated this heartfelt memoir to her husband, the late John Rehm, and the book speaks powerfully to those who have lost a loved one and found the strength to carry on. Rehm describes her 54-year marriage to John, a successful attorney, in honest terms. She was clearly in love with him and in awe of him, but she also admits that the marriage was not perfect. At times, her husband withdrew into silence, and the couple considered divorce. On the whole, as Rehm describes, the union was one in which love and mutual encouragement played significant parts. She writes that after her spouse was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and began to slowly decline in health, they grew even closer; she crawled into his hospital bed to tenderly read him poetry. Eventually John was severely disabled, angered and disheartened by a system that disallowed physician-assisted death in such cases, and he made the decision to end his life by refusing sustenance. Rehm is now closing in on 80, and nearing her retirement from radio. The seasoned broadcaster explores the many changes and challenges that come when a spouse dies; she shares feelings of guilt, loneliness, fear, and worry as well as acknowledging her strengths and newfound independence. Rehm’s forthright memoir, which probes the process of loss, grief, and renewal, will find a wide audience with fans of her show as well as many others facing this profound passage. (Feb.)

From the Publisher

Clear, moving and completely honest. . . . Diane Rehm has again found her voice, and, as she has always done, she speaks passionately and courageously about issues that concern us all.” —The Washington Post

“Rehm doesn’t have all the answers, nor does she pretend to. What she does have, as always, is a flurry of important questions, perfectly considered and potently posed.” —USA Today
 
“Poignant.”—The Miami Herald
 
“A plainspoken . . . passionate account . . . of [Rehm’s] journey through the first year of widowhood…. Eschewing self-help clichés … Rehm offers a meticulous narrative of her personal struggle to come to terms with a profound loss.” —BookPage

“Will invite comparisons to Joan Didion’s own memoir of loss, The Year of Magical Thinking.” —The Guardian (London)
 
“[A] clearheaded yet emotional call for national right-to-die laws.” —The Washington City Paper
 
“Rehm writes eloquently about the changing landscape of grief, not only her own sorrow but that of friends.” —The Kansas City Star
 
“Brave and uplifting.” —Kirkus Reviews
 
“Walks readers through the most recent year of [Rehm’s] life, struggling with living alone and figuring out a new identity.” —Philadelphia Inquirer

Library Journal - Audio

05/15/2016
Beloved NPR host Rehm's latest memoir begins with her husband John's end—depleted by Parkinson's disease, unable to "stand walk, eat, bathe, or in any way care for himself on his own, he was now ready to die." After 54 years of marriage—joyful, combative, celebratory—Rehm agonizes as he finally succumbs after refusing all water and nourishment for weeks and ponders her life ahead alone. Her experience as witness spurs her to fight for right-to-die legislation, even as she is admonished by her employers for her advocacy. Rehm shares her journey with the same intimacy that has defined her popular show for decades; she poignantly reveals both hopes and fears for who she will be once she retires. It will come as no surprise that Rehm voices her story, but her signature drawn-out syllables caused by a neurological voice disorder could motivate some listeners to opt for the print version. (To determined listeners, increasing play-speed loses none of Rehm's cadence, rhythm, or heart.) VERDICT Well worth listening to for fans of the author and memoirs. ["Her views on [right-to-die issues], delivered with her hard-earned observations about its ramifications, distinguish this account from other memoirs of widowhood": LJ 1/16 review of the Knopf hc.]—Terry Hong, Smithsonian BookDragon, Washington, DC

Library Journal

01/01/2016
Veteran public radio personality and interviewer Rehm (Finding My Voice) presents the next installment in her story in this candid account of the last years of marriage to her husband of over 50 years, John. Rehm writes of John's life, his struggle with declining abilities owing to Parkinson's disease, and her reactions to those life-altering circumstances. Her distinctive radio persona may be detected in each episode she recounts, including those dealing with her own ambivalence about John's move to a care facility and her desire to keep working throughout the years of his decline. More pointedly, however, Rehm takes aim at the unsettled state of U.S. right-to-die legislation and policies, a situation that forced a heartbreaking and brutal decision by John. Anecdotes about other popular news figures who have been widowed, and Rehm's ruminations on her retirement plans as well as her own mortality are presented in the same conversational tone familiar to listeners of her long-running show. VERDICT Rehm doesn't gloss over the emotional complexities and difficulties of a long-term marriage, nor does she shy away from making her opinions about the inconsistencies in right-to-die legislation known (despite the apparent objections of her employers). Her views on the controversial topic, delivered with her hard-earned observations about its ramifications, distinguish this account from other memoirs of widowhood.—Thérèse Purcell Nielsen, Huntington P.L., NY

MARCH 2016 - AudioFile

The popular NPR talk show host discusses her experiences as her husband waged a lengthy battle against Parkinson’s disease. She also addresses her political advocacy for the right to a dignified medically induced death. Rehm’s narration, while heartfelt, is strained at times, due to her speech impediment, spasmodic dysphonia. Some listeners may feel that the hiring of an accomplished narrator may well have improved their listening experience. On the other hand, those who enjoy Rehm’s popular radio show may more fully appreciate her reminiscences and commentary, which include her successful life transitions following her husband’s passing. W.A.G. © AudioFile 2016, Portland, Maine

Kirkus Reviews

2015-11-24
NPR host Rehm (Life with Maxie, 2010, etc.) reflects on loneliness, loss, and aging. "For fifty-four years I have been a wife," Rehm writes in a memoir more notable for candor than artfulness. "Now I am widow. Am I someone new?" In the mid-2000s, her husband, John, was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, marking a profound change in their lives. As he gradually succumbed to the illness, the author found herself increasingly alone: the couple slept in separate bedrooms because of John's involuntary thrashing, and in 2012, he moved into an assisted living facility because he needed 24-hour care. Despondent over his condition, he begged for help to end his life. "We had promised that we would do everything we could to support each other's wishes in the face of debilitating and unalterable conditions," Rehm writes. But she was helpless, as were John's physicians. Making his own decision, John refused food, water, or medicines, and after 10 days, "surely the longest of my life," the author admits, he died. Rehm was beset by guilt, worrying that she should have given up her career to care for John during the final year of his life. As she looks back at their sometimes-rocky marriage, she blames herself for not being passive or submissive enough to please a man who wanted to dominate. The author is often overcome by grief, not only for John, but "for our youth, for our love, for our happiness." Widowhood is not the only identity change that Rehm has faced. She wonders who she will be once she retires and how, beginning her eighth decade, she can continue as "a fully engaged human being." The prose reads like journal entries or letters to readers, punctuated by sometimes-trite remarks: "Death is the ultimate finality," she writes. "There is no turning back." Nevertheless, her perspectives on old age are brave and uplifting.

Product Details

BN ID:	2940172023033
Publisher:	Penguin Random House
Publication date:	02/02/2016
Edition description:	Unabridged

Read an Excerpt

On June 14, 2014, my husband, John Rehm—age eighty-three—began his withdrawal from life. The aides at Brighton Gardens were instructed to stop bringing medications, menus, or water. His decision to die came after a long and difficult conversation the day before with Dr. Roy Fried, his primary physician; our son, David; our daughter, Jennifer, who was on the phone from Boston; and me.

John declared to Dr. Fried that because Parkinson’s disease had so affected him that he no longer had the use of his hands, arms, or legs, because he could no longer stand, walk, eat, bathe, or in any way care for himself on his own, he was now ready to die. He said that he understood the disease was progressing, taking him further and further into incapacity, with no hope of improvement. Therefore, he wanted to end his life.
 
Clearly, his expectation—and his misunderstanding—was that, now that he had made his decision, he could simply be “put to sleep” immediately, with medication. When Dr. Fried explained that he was unable to carry out John’s wishes, that he was prohibited from committing such an act in the state of Maryland, John became very angry. He said, “I feel betrayed.” Tears came into his eyes, tears of frustration and disappointment. Here was a man who had lived his life able, for the most part, to take charge of events, to be certain that his well-considered decisions would be carried out. And now he was making the ultimate decision, and having it thwarted.
 
It was then that Dr. Fried explained that the only alternative John had, if he truly wished to die, was to stop eating, drinking fluids, or taking medications. In other words, he could bring his life to an end through those means, but no one could do it for him. Dr. Fried added that he hoped John would not make the decision to end his life, but that, if he did so, as his physician he would honor it.
 
My husband had moved into assisted living at Brighton Gardens in Chevy Chase, Maryland, in November 2012, because he could no longer stand or walk without falling, or care for himself without assistance. We’d spent months talking about the decision we both knew was coming. We went over and over various possibilities, such as having someone move into our apartment to care for him on a twenty-four-hour basis, but we knew that wouldn’t work: there was simply not enough room for another human to be here full-time.
 
Most days I spent part of the afternoon with John at Brighton Gardens. Sometimes we’d sit silently, particularly in the weeks immediately after he moved in. Although he never admitted feeling resentful, it was clear he was unhappy. He had a private room, but was now in an institution, in the company of strangers, eating foods he didn’t care for in a large communal dining room, and feeling an extreme loss of privacy. But slowly he regained his sense of humor, his interest in world events, and his happiness each time I walked through the door.
 
Over the years, John and I had talked many times about how we wanted to die. We had promised that we would do everything we could to support each other’s wishes in the face of debilitating and unalterable conditions. Yet here I was, helpless to keep my promise. I could do nothing but listen as he railed against a medical and judicial system that prohibited a doctor from helping him die, even knowing that what awaited him was prolonged misery, further decline, and, to his mind, loss of dignity.
 
So John did what I dreaded, but knew in my heart he would do: he declared he would stop eating, drinking, or taking medications. He asked Dr. Fried how long the process of dying would last and was told it could be ten days to two weeks. John wanted to know, “Will I be in pain?” “Absolutely not,” responded Dr. Fried. “I promise you, you will be kept comfortable.”
 
A few months before this, John had come down with what’s so often been called the old man’s blessing. I was in South America, on a cruise with NPR listeners. It was a Saturday evening in March, and before I went to join the group for dinner, I called Brighton Gardens to check in. Our dear friends David and Mary Beth Busby were there with John, and Mary Beth answered the phone. When I asked how John was, she said, to my shock, “He’s not responsive.” I wasn’t sure I was hearing correctly. “What do you mean, Mary Beth?” “Well, just that,” she said. The two of them had been sitting there with John for an hour or so, and he was simply not moving; he was in a deep sleep, not responding to their questions, not moving when they prodded him. I asked her to feel his head. “Warm,” she said. I immediately called Dr. Fried, who instructed an aide to take his temperature. It was 101.5 degrees. Dr. Fried said John was probably experiencing pneumonia. Urgently I demanded to know what he would do next. Dr. Fried said he would order oral antibiotics for him, but warned it could be four hours before they arrived, and that John might not be able to swallow them. At this point, I lost all composure. I screamed into the phone, “But he could be dead in four hours!” Dr. Fried then said he would go to a nearby pharmacy to obtain an injectable form of antibiotic, which he did, taking it to Brighton Gardens that night and giving John what may have been a lifesaving dose of the drug. It was 6:30 Saturday evening, and I was in Buenos Aires. I tried to get a flight out that very evening, but it was too late, so I flew to Miami the next night and then home to Washington on Monday.
 
By the time I arrived, John had responded well to the medication and was making a good recovery. All of our friends, as well as our son, David, who had hovered over him during the critical period of my absence, were amazed and delighted at the turnaround.
 
Sadly, within three weeks of my return, pneumonia again crept into John’s lungs. Whether it was a remnant of the first infection or a brand-new one, he was again feverish, coughing, and exhibiting all the other symptoms he’d had earlier. He was put back on antibiotics, this time for a longer period.
 
After the second bout of pneumonia, and lengthy and extraordinarily frank and compassionate discussions with Dr. Fried and me, John said he no longer wished to be treated with antibiotics should he experience pneumonia yet again. He was clearly in a more weakened state.
 
Two months later, he was placed under hospice care, which meant the doctor had concluded that he had six months or less to live. John had already made clear his wishes for “comfort care only.”
 
And so on June 14, John began to carry out his decision to withdraw from life. Some of the aides at Brighton Gardens were clearly uncomfortable with the instructions to cease bringing all food, water, and medications, and during the first two days came to see him, asking whether he didn’t want to change his mind. John said “No” pleasantly, even cheerfully, as though, somehow, he had taken back his life and could do with it as he chose. So I sat by my husband’s side as he slowly died.
 
I rage at a system that would not allow John to be helped toward his own death. He was of rational mind, with no hope of recovery, knowing full well that the only way ahead was a slow downward slide, moving toward more incapacity and even greater indignity. Why should it be that only a few states allow aid in dying with help from a trained physician willing to offer the ultimate gift? Why should my husband have to starve him- self to death? I wonder, too, why John should have had to be so alone in the dying process. I cry at the loss of what might have been this final intimacy between us, replaced by a long descent into oblivion, unaware of his family and friends beside him offering him a loving farewell and wishing him a peaceful journey.
 
On the day John made his decision, I brought him a photograph album I’d made for him many years earlier recording his childhood and youth, from his birth in Paris, where his mother and dad had met, to his graduation from Friends Seminary in New York. He loved seeing the photos of the pond near the little house in France where he had spent the first six years of his life. His father worked the night shift at the Paris Herald Tribune, and therefore slept a good part of every day. John remembered attending a small French school at age three, and having the teacher put a pen into his hand on the very first day.
 
That hour, as I sat beside him on his bed going through the photographs, was extraordinary. Here was a man who had just decided he wanted to end his life experiencing so much joy as he reflected on his early years, while I, as I always had, adored gazing at his baby pictures. He was a beautiful child and a beautiful young man.

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