Pardon Me for Mentioning . . .: Unpublished letters from The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald
Pardon Me for Mentioning . . .: Unpublished letters from The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald
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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781743433317 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Allen & Unwin Pty., Limited |
| Publication date: | 02/01/2014 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| File size: | 523 KB |
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Pardon Me for Mentioning ...
Unpublished Letters to The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald
By Alex Kaplan, Julie Lewis, Catharine Munro
Allen & Unwin
Copyright © 2013 Alex Kaplan, Julie Lewis and Catharine MunroAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-74343-331-7
CHAPTER 1
WE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY
OI, OI, ER?
Jeff Kennett wants to drop Advance Australia Fair as our national anthem and replace it with the 'very moving', the dreaded, 'I am, you are, we are'. The song does bring tears — of embarrassment — to the eyes.
It is an advertising ditty; it has none of the requirements of an anthem: nobility, dignity nor a certain grandeur.
Worst of all, the words do not fit the melody: we are forced to sing or groan 'I am, you are, we are Australi-YUN', much as in 'The Road to Gun-DAH-gai'.
And it is banal: obviously, if I am and you are, then we are.
And it is about as rousing as 'amo, amas, amat' or the five times table.
Raymond McDonald
Stanmore
Are you sure that your story about the dog sitting on the tucker box isn't presenting a sanitised version of how this icon originated? I have always understood that, far from praising the loyalty of his dog, the bullocky rounded off a tale of accumulating suffering and tribulations with the despairing cry: 'And the dog shat in the tuckerbox, five miles from Gundagai.'
Mind you, I can see that producing a statue of this event could present problems.
Rob Wills
Point Lookout
Returning from camping on Australia Day, we stopped briefly in Woy Woy where we witnessed lots of young people wearing purpose-built Australian flag capes. Written in bold print on the bottom was: COME ON THE AUSSIE 'S.
Just one more example of apostrophe abuse.
Simon White
Point Clare
Let's change the flag. Keep the stars. But blue? Mmmm. Depressing, don't you think? Mardi Gras is almost here. The economy is in the pink. That seems appropriate.
While we're at it, let's take all our bronzed statues and stick them arse-up with their heads in the sand, symbolically combining the present with the traditions of the Anzac 'legends': running enthusiastically, nay ignorantly, into no-man's-land to take one between the eyes.
That is what has made Australia what it is today.
David Jordan
Dee Why
Can someone please tell me when we changed 'advance' to 'advarnce', and who was responsible for it? It's annoyed me for years now and never more so than on Anzac Day.
Dave Robilliard
Yamba
DANCING WITH THE PLEBS
Pardon me for mentioning it, but bogans are even more snobbish about elitists than the well-voiced versa. Watch the reactions around the water cooler if you forget yourself and mention a night at the theatre, reading a book, or downloading an awesome jazz track. You won't get the polite interest you showed during their recap of last night's must-see episode of Fat bogans can sing, dance, and cook.
Peter Fyfe
Erskineville
The Geographical Names Board has killed off Rouse Hill Gardens as the name for a new suburb in the west, but for the wrong reason. While superficially attractive, place names ending in the letter S suffer from having developers' paw prints all over them, and inevitably brand the place as boganesque. Excepting, of course, Parkes. Or Paris.
Mary McClure
Armidale
According to some members of cabinet and the media, just like Snow White, Julia Gillard kisses the dwarfs on their way to work each day, in contrast to Kevin Rudd, who was a grumpy, demanding, difficult boss. Well, boo hoo.
Most Australians work for grumpy, demanding bosses most days of their working lives. They have a message for those precious petals in caucus and behind the scenes who were instrumental in deposing Kevin Rudd in 2010. Look outside the walls of Parliament House at the real Australia, as opposed to gazing interminably at the 'real' Julia.
Mary Edwards
Kilsyth
BUY IT NOW
Can we transfer the refugee issue by putting Christmas Island on eBay?
John Murray
Hawthorn East
Did anyone nip into the detention centres and wish the asylum seekers happy Australia Day?
Mary Morris
Darlinghurst
Given recent violence on public buses in two states, will Scott Morrison be developing behavioural protocols for 'bus people' too?
Glenn Wood
Bardon
Far from wishing to be notified if asylum seekers with a limited grasp of English were to move in next door, we would far rather be notified if Eric Abetz, Scott Morrison, Cory Bernardi or Tony Abbott were to share a fence with us.
Al Clark
Belrose
It's scary that the only thing protecting us from Pauline Hanson is Antony Green's computer.
Les Shearman
Darlington
DRUNKS AND DILLS
With symptoms including lethargy, drowsiness, confusion, delirium, tremors, neurological problems and coma, doctors would be hard pressed to distinguish between Murray Valley encephalitis and a New Year's Day hangover.
Bryan Fraser
St Kilda
The photo you published of a ute driving through floodwaters should have been captioned 'local idiot demonstrates popular unintentional suicide technique'.
Don Hampshire
Sunbury
OUT OF THE FRYING PAN
If the China mining boom ends in Australia, we will be caught between a wok and a hard place.
Paul Wells
Preston
I second your correspondent's nomination of Macquarie as the new name for Australia. We should, however, resist the push by BHP's chief executive to spell it My Quarry. And as to the other contender, well let's face it, you've seen one Westfield shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Lloyd Swanton
Wentworth Falls
The Premier's literary award
henceforth will be scrapped and ignored.
Stop wasting your time
with prose and with rhyme —
Get a job on the coal-mining board.
John Dengate
Glebe Point
PRECIOUS
Clive Palmer a national treasure? Good. Then he shouldn't mind if we dig him up, auction him to the highest bidder, and ship him overseas where they can turn him into something useful.
Jon Stirzaker
Latham
The reason for the beaching of Clive Palmer (Cestarea palmerus) is unknown. Possibly he swallowed his GPS, thinking it was a can of John West krill. This could have caused him to make a sharp turn to the extreme right, leading to his present predicament of thrashing about, high and dry.
It is incumbent on all us greenie, commie, leftie, tree-hugging, anti-mining freaks to help re-float the lovable, barnacle-encrusted Clive and send him out to sea to join his fellow creatures in the deep.
Ian Nicolson
Banora Point
The problem with the valuation of a national treasure is its subjectivity. Maybe we could replace 'national treasure' with the proverbial 'worth his weight in gold'. On that latter, objective measure, and assuming a weight of about 130kg, this would make Mr Palmer's value to the nation, on current gold prices, at just under $7.5 million.
Con Korkofingas
Bexley
Clive Palmer's ego wouldn't fit on a replica of the Titanic.
Alex Shabs
Elwood
STATES OF DENIAL
Could the 20 per cent of us who support the flood levy be allowed to form a new state called 'reality'? And would the 80 per cent who think a good hose-down is enough, please move to Western Australia, dig a big hole and call themselves hobbits?
Keith Russell
Mayfield West
I am surprised no one in regional Queensland had the foresight to build an ark. I guess available quality timber was earmarked for fiery crosses.
David Jordan
Dee Why
TRAVELLING LIGHT
Grounding the Qantas International fleet certainly preserves the airline's safety record, even if reliability is trashed. Who wants passengers anyway?
Philip Brentnall
Blackburn
Red Q? Blue Q? The remoteness of Qantas's new base and the attitude of its CEO both suggest a more appropriate name would be Far Q.
Steve Cornelius
Fairlight
On a Virgin flight into Brisbane, I swear I heard the pilot tell us to put our clocks back 100 years and 1 hour. Was he a poor loser from the State of Origin?
Linda Berry
Sandringham
Sydney Airport earns more money per passenger and provides worse service than any airport in the country, the consumer watchdog has found.
And what will the consumer watchdog do? Go 'woof, woof'?
Henk Verhoeven
Beacon Hill
CHRISTMAS WISHES
To everybody out there in this wide brown land, this lucky country of ours, the noisy minority groups, advocates of lost causes, the loony-left and their cataclysmic supporters, the do-gooders, bleeding-hearts, cringe-dwellers, doomsayers, snivel-libertarians, promoters of politically correct mantra and Manly rugby league supporters, the bride and I wish you all a trouble-free and relaxed New Year. May you deserve what you get — and get what you deserve.
Ron Elphick
Buff Point
GENDER WARS
INTO THE TRENCHES
I have been reading the letters section of the Herald for 40 years. I started as a 10-year-old and have maintained the habit, almost daily. I have noticed one very important trend: most of the letters are from men and most of the news is about men.
Pete and Kevin and Don and Arthur and some of the regular intelligentsia from almost everywhere write. Then we have Silvio, Barack, another Kevin, a Wayne, a Pope, a ballsmith named Tendulkar, assorted 'leaders' and followers, murderers, the court in Cairo and virginity tests for protesting women. Oh, and then I made the mistake of watching Warhorse.
Do you know what boys? I am sick of you; sick of your ideas, your excuses, your reasons for ruining everything. Your wars, your Marxist regimes, your awful financial system, and a special finger sign to John Maynard Keynes.
I am sick of not wearing skirts because you keep your brains in your pants and I am sick of preparing my daughter for living among you.
I am tired, women in general are tired and all I can say to you is: MAKE IT STOP!
Lisa Foster
Upper Hunter Valley
Going by what happens on a building site when the heavens open, it is obvious that men are made of sugar and dissolve in the rain.
Alicia Dawson
Balmain
R-RATED MULTI-TASKING
Your correspondent claims to be a multi-tasker because she sent a Letter to the Editor and prepared dinner on the same day. Nice try. But please forgive me if I sound a little old-fashioned because I have always believed the benchmark for multi-tasking is to engage in sex while nursing a splitting headache.
Dean Hartigan
Umina
Multi-tasking just for women? Give me a break. As I have pointed out many times, of course men can multi-task, we simply choose not to do so.
Philip Watters
North Melbourne
Men can multi-task: fantasising and having an erection; sitting and eating; avoiding doing the washing up and walking down the hall; dropping clothes on the floor and not picking them up.
Richard Lynch
Waterloo
A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE
I'm so glad your correspondent and his wife enjoyed 'a successful natural birth'. But methinks his wife may not have had quite as much fun as he did.
Randi Svensen
Leura
I must inform your correspondent who protests against the way Asian women are objectified in Australia and claims there would be a 'furore' if the local papers were full of ads for brothels spruiking Jewish girls, that this would not be so. There would simply be a number of calls to the ACCC. Every Jewish male knows that the closest he'll come to having a sex object is when he asks for sex, she objects.
Daniel Lewis
Rushcutters Bay
PS. The first 10 drafts of this letter were completely unprintable.
SPIT AND POLISH
What is the point of Angelina Jolie appearing without make-up? I guess one can argue that there is a slight difference between an unpolished Rolls Royce and a polished one.
Mustafa Erem
Terrigal
MARRIAGE AND OTHERCATASTROPHES
Overheard in an Ascot Vale cafe. Guest at 60th wedding anniversary gathering. What is the secret of such a long marriage? Woman replied: neither of us is dead yet.
Tim Bainbridge
Woodend
Saturday: big craft show at Caulfield Racecourse, huge crowd, 99 per cent female. Seen: a big burly bloke, V8 Supercars logos on shirt, manoeuvring a pushchair with small girl on board, following wife through the throng, patiently waiting as she examines various stands and exhibits. That's loyalty for you.
David Briggs
Rowville
A court in France has ordered a man to pay $13,500 in damages to his long-frustrated ex-wife after he failed in his marriage 'duties' by withholding sex from her for years. I realise that the woman lives in France, however, what is her address?
Steve Barrett
Glenbrook
Bridge players are very passionate about their game. A Chicago player sued her husband for divorce on the inexcusable grounds that he trumped her ace. Another wife shot her husband to death shortly after he failed in his attempt to make a contract of four spades. At the trial a bridge expert reconstructed the final deal and concluded the husband could have made the fateful four-spade contract after all. The wife was acquitted.
Has the editor considered the possible ramifications of dropping the weekly bridge column from Saturday's Age?
Paul Hobson
Camberwell
Groucho Marx once said that the secret to a happy marriage is when a husband learns to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open. I now know he was wrong. My wife was shortlisted for the Letters page yesterday and published today and she has been on cloud nine since. Thank you, I owe you one!
Jeremy Brender
Pymble
I just quickly checked a representative sample of all nearby mothers, and I think the major retailers have it right. She's still in her twenties, still slim, and still gorgeous — even with three children. Happy anniversary Mrs Tyrrell!
Ian Tyrrell
Hazelbrook
The poem I composed for my beloved for Valentine Day:
It is hard to have hanky-panky
With a woman who is often cranky.
Andrew Partos
Seaforth
It is hard to feel sorry for the father of six in the energy advertisement recently on television. Less energy in the bedroom might be an easier way to reduce family budget pressures.
Geoff Phillips
Wonga Park
WHEN MISOGYNY TOOK OVER THE WORLD
At my local pub conversation tends to centre on sport. With the football season over and the weather covered in full, the chatter can become dull, but not so over the past few days. Some blokes in the group introduced misogyny into the conversation. Yes. In convincing terms. It was all misogyny this and misogynists that up until the point one chap asked: 'What is this misogyny?' Silence followed until another fellow promised to look it up in the dictionary when he went home and report back next time. Normal conversation resumed.
Ivan Zlatin
Denistone
Just read Peter Slipper's text messages online, expecting the worst but, in fact, my impression is that he likes women (and their genitals) and is trying to explain this to someone he thinks does not share this viewpoint.
The painter Georgia O'Keeffe mostly paints flowers but sometimes also marine life, such as Clam and Mussel, 1926. It is a beautiful painting.
The opposition labels Slipper's anatomical references 'vile'. Perhaps he should have used a floral image rather than a marine one? Would they have preferred gladioli?
Peter Cook
Marrickville
My feelings about eating seafood have changed forever.
Philip Telford
Tarago
May we call their bluff? These defenders of shock jocks, these soldiers of free speech who condemn political correctness yet embrace it with such fervour when it suits their politics; let these exemplars of equality and freedom release all their private text communications to the world so that we may see what they regard as appropriate language to be used in private by 'honourable members'. We could set up a website, call it PrickyLeaks. Apologies to anyone offended by the use of the phrase 'honourable members'.
Andy Kinikos
Brunswick
Slipper, Slipper what a call, Gillard's choice really hit the wall. Faulty judgment on display, Let's give misogyny a play.
Alex Rabin
Bellevue Hill
To paraphrase Tennyson, misogyny to right of us, misandry to left of us, into the jaws of gender baiting rode the electorate.
What's a beckoned misanthrope to think? Perhaps that homophobia around same-sex marriage bridges the gap — et tu, Julia and Tony.
Andrew Elder
Ashfield
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Pardon Me for Mentioning ... by Alex Kaplan, Julie Lewis, Catharine Munro. Copyright © 2013 Alex Kaplan, Julie Lewis and Catharine Munro. Excerpted by permission of Allen & Unwin.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Introduction,We should be so lucky,
Gender wars,
The way we live now ...,
Shall we pray,
Grand plans,
The Canberra circus,
Crimes against the English language,
Boots, Bingle and B.O.,
Laughing all the way to climate doom,
Tale of two cities,
Friends and neighbours,
Of moguls and scribblers,
Acknowledgements,