Table of Contents
Introduction 1
Part I How Am I Going to Get Through This? Dealing with Separation from a Parent's Perspective
1 The Defining Difference 15
The Relationship Between Stress and Parenting 16
How Your Stress Affects Your Children 19
2 Balancing Your Life 21
How to Support Yourself Through the Early Stages of Separation and Divorce 25
Self-Care Checkup 28
Take Action: Making Your Self Care a Priority 34
3 Understanding the Emotional Divorce 36
Dynamics of the Emotional Divorce 36
Divorce Involves Multiple Changes 36
Grieving Is Not Time Specific 38
Children Have Different Feelings and Perspectives 38
When Parents Are in Different Stages 39
Emotional Stages of Loss 40
Denial 41
Anger 43
Bargaining 47
Depression 48
Acceptance 51
Raising Your Level of Emotional Awareness 52
4 Till Death Do You Part… 55
Changing How You Think 56
Changing Your Relationship 59
Guidelines for Communicating with the Other Parent 60
Tips for E-Mails and Letters 62
5 Managing the Legal System 64
Understanding the Purpose of the Legal Process 66
Other Options Worth Knowing About 68
Parent Education Classes for Separated and Divorced Parents 68
Mediation 68
Collaborative Law 70
Parent Coordination 72
Three Fundamental Principle for Managing the Legal Aspects of Divorce 72
6 Walking the Walk: Pitfalls to Avoid 74
Do's and Don'ts 76
Don't Ignore or Mismanage Your Feelings 76
Do Pay Attention to Your Feelings 76
Don't Assume You Know How Your Children Are Feeling 77
Do Practice Listening to Your Children 77
Don't Allow Your Children to Become Emotionally Responsible for You 78
Do Create a Supportive Network for Both You and Your Children 79
Don't Let Your Divorce Take Over Your Life 80
Do Make Good Choices About How You Spend Your Energy 81
Don't Expect to Get What You Never Got 82
Do Change Your Expectations 83
Part II How Children Are Affected by Divorce
7 Factors That Affect How Children Handle Divorce 87
Factors That Affect How Children Manage and Adjust to Divorce 88
Emotional Stages of Loss for Children 89
Denial 90
Anger 92
Bargaining 95
Depression 97
Acceptance 100
8 Infants (Newborn to 18 Months) 102
Developmental Issues for Infants 102
Bonding 102
Quality Time and Quantity Time 104
Managing Your Baby's Stress 104
What Your Infant Needs 105
Ideas for Parenting Your Infant 106
9 Toddlers (18 Months to 2 Years) 108
Developmental Issues for Toddlers 109
Feelings of Security 109
Anxiety over New Experiences 109
Acting Out Feelings 111
Ideas for Parenting Your Toddler 113
10 Preschoolers (3 to 5 Years) 115
Developmental Issues for Preschoolers 116
Image of Self 116
Regression 118
Feelings of Responsibility 120
Acting Out 121
Ideas for Parenting Your Preschooler 122
11 Primary Schoolers (6 to 9 Years) 125
Developmental Issues for Primary School Children 126
Self-Esteem 126
Developing Skills and Talents 129
Greater Sense of Sadness 129
Ideas for Parenting Your Primary School Child 131
12 Preteens (9 to 12 Years) 134
Developmental Issues for Preteens 135
Changes in Thinking 135
Physical Changes 137
Emotional Changes 138
Ideas for Parenting Your Preteen 142
13 Teenagers (13 to 18 Years) 145
Developmental Issues for Teens 147
Role Confusion 147
New Experiences 153
Risk Taking 157
Ideas for Parenting Your Teen 158
Part III A Guide to the Most Common Problems and Issues for Divorced or Separated Parents
14 How to Tell Your Children You Are Getting a Divorce 163
Why You Need to Talk to Your Children 164
When Is the Best Time? 166
How to Talk About Divorce 167
One Parent or Two? 168
If You Can't Agree About What Will Be Said 168
Age-Specific Conversation 170
A Parent's Checklist 174
If You Say the Wrong Thing 177
15 What to Do When Children Ask Why 178
The Hard Questions 180
So Whose Fault Is It? 180
Why Do Your Children Need to Talk About Why More Than Once? 181
How Much Information Is Enough? 182
If One Parent Wants to Stay in the Marriage 183
When a Parent Has Made Bad Choices 185
Tips for Answering Why 187
Telling Children the Truth 188
16 Supporting the Other Parent's Relationship with Your Children 190
Why Does Your Opinion About the Other Parent Matter? 191
Not-So-Obvious Ways Parents Can Devalue Each Other 192
What Can You Do to Support Your Children's Relationship with Your Ex? 194
Rejecting the Term Visitation 194
Approach Decision Making and Information Sharing as if You Were Still Married 196
Don't Undermine the Other Parent's Authority, Even When You Don't See Eye to Eye 197
Positively Support Your Children's Time with the Other Parent 199
17 Two-Home Concept and What Helps Children 201
Why Do Children Need Two Homes? 202
How to Help Children Adjust to Life in Two Homes 207
Ditch the Suitcase 207
Make Sure Children Have Space in Each Home 208
Change How You Talk About Each Home 208
Allow Different to Be Different 208
Make Your Rules and Expectations Clear 209
Give Children Calendars 209
Transition Rituals 210
Tips for Managing Activities Out of Two Homes 211
18 Creating a Schedule and Agreement That Works for Your Children 215
Finding Common Ground, Developing a Guiding Principle 217
Factors to Consider and Questions to Ask When Creating a Parenting Plan 219
Tips for Creating a Successful Parenting Plan 223
What Is Joint Custody? 225
What Is a 50-50 Time Split and Will It Work for Your Children? 225
Nesting 227
Sharing One Home After You Have Filed for Divorce 228
19 Parenting Pointers for On-Duty and Off-Duty Parents 230
Avoiding Court-Based Language 230
How You View Each Other's Roles 232
On-Duty and Off-Duty Parenting 234
Guidelines for On-Duty Parents 236
Guidelines for Off-Duty Parents 239
Long-distance Parenting 241
20 Financial Issues: What Do Kids Need to Know? 244
What Do Children Need to Know About Money and Divorce? 247
When There Are Significant Financial Differences Between Households 250
21 Dealing with a Difficult Ex 253
High-Conflict Situations 255
When Both Parents Are Committed to the Conflict 255
When One Parent Is Invested in the Conflict 258
When Your Ex Doesn't Think They're Part of the Problem 260
Dealing with an Uncooperative Ex: Taking Higher Ground 262
First Step in Managing the Conflict 263
Tips for Dealing with a Difficult Ex 266
22 Less-Than-Ideal Situations 269
Staying Safe: Dealing with Domestic Violence, Addictions, and Divorce 272
How to Help Children Manage Less-Than-Ideal Situations 273
Talking to Your Children about Less-Than-Ideal Situations 274
23 Alienation: What It Is and How to Respond 279
What Is Parent Alienation? 281
How Do You Know if Your Child Is Alienated? 283
Hostile Aggressive Parenting 283
Misconceptions About Alienation 285
What Can Parents Do? 289
24 How to Help Children Deal with Feelings and Be a Good Listener 296
Why Is Listening So Hard? 298
Qualities of Being a Good Listener 299
Tips for Being a Better Listener 301
If You Have a Child Who Doesn't Want to Talk 304
25 How to Handle Things When Your Child Is Angry 307
Children's Sense of Security and How They Express Anger 308
Different Ways Children Manage Their Anger 310
Young Children 310
Preadolescents and Teens 311
Silent Anger 312
Six Steps to Helping Children Handle Anger 312
Points About Anger for Parents 315
26 What to Do When Your Child Is Sad 317
Depression and Children: How to Recognize It 322
When You Feel Sad, Too 325
Healthy Ways to Express Sadness 326
27 When to Get Help for Children 328
Assessing Your Concerns 329
Situations That Warrant an Immediate Response 330
Types of Professionals 332
Initial Appointments 334
Possible Stumbling Blocks 337
When Your Child Doesn't Want to Go to Counseling 337
When the Other Parent Doesn't Think There's a Problem and Won't Support Getting Help 338
28 When Children Hear Bad Things About One of Their Parents 341
What Is Badmouthing and How Does It Affect Children? 342
Ways Parents Engage in Badmouthing 343
What Can You Do if You Are the One Doing the Badmouthing? 344
What if the Other Parent Is Badmouthing You? 347
What to Do When Children Are Exposed to Badmouthing 349
Help Children Learn How to Cope with the Problem 350
When Badmouthing Backfires 352
Part IV Moving on from Divorce
29 Going from We to Me: Being Single and Redefining Your Family 355
Beginning Stages: Adjusting to Being Single 356
Tips for Successful Single Parenting 359
30 Dating, New Relationships, and Kids 362
When to Introduce Your Children to Someone You Are Dating 364
When the Other Parent Introduces Your Child to Someone He or She Is Dating 367
31 Before You Say I Do Again: Second Marriages, Being a Bonus Parent and Blended Families 369
Before You Say I Do 370
Tips for a Successful Second Marriage 371
Points for Merging Families 373
Guidelines for Bonus Parents 375
If Your Child Gets a New Bonus Parent 377
Resources for Children 379
Resources for Parents 383
Resources for Life After Divorce 387
Tools for Communicating Between Homes 389
Resources for Managing Legal Processes 391
Resources for Parent Alienation 393
Resources for Domestic Violence, Abuse, or Addiction 395
