Preparing a Catholic Funeral: Third Edition, Updated & Expanded
48
Preparing a Catholic Funeral: Third Edition, Updated & Expanded
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Overview
In a revised and expanded edition, this simple pamphlet continues to guide us in dealing with death and arranging in advance for funerals.
These booklets are often purchased in bulk by institutions to distribute to people of all ages to help them plan final arrangements, or to families of the deceased immediately after a death. The original edition was prompted by the death of the author's father: upon his passing and pending funeral, no one knew his plans or directives. Since then, scores of clergy, funeral directors, and parishioners have used this guide to address what needs to be done.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781606741474 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Church Publishing |
| Publication date: | 08/01/2012 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 48 |
| File size: | 1 MB |
About the Author
Kenneth Koehler has been a clergyperson for over twenty five years and a priest for nearly forty. He has served two Denver parishes, where the number of funerals per year has averaged 35-40. The first edition of Preparing a Catholic Funeral arose out of the experience of his own father's funeral; when it came time to plan, no one knew where/what his plans were. Since then, literally thousands of parishioners around the country have appreciated the opportunity to supply, in a quick form, the right information for the church and their families. Reverend Koehler currently serves as Pastor of St. Mark Catholic Church in Westminster, CO.
Read an Excerpt
Preparing a Catholic Funeral
By Kenneth Koehler
Church Publishing Incorporated
Copyright © 2012 Rev. Kenneth KoehlerAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-60674-147-4
CHAPTER 1
Coping with Death
Preparing for Death
by Rev. Kenneth Koehler
When Death Is Near
When someone faces death or is critically ill, the family members should immediately contact a priest and not wait until death is imminent. The sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick is for those preparing for death or facing a critical illness. Celebrating this sacrament encourages the sick or dying person through the experience of the healing presence of Christ, whose resurrection offers hope for a new life beyond suffering and death.
If the situation allows, this is an appropriate time for loved ones to ask about the dying person's wishes for the funeral celebration, for example, by using the forms found on pages 47-56 of this booklet if they have been filled out in advance. It is also helpful to ask whether any prior arrangements might have been made for someone to make decisions for the sick person (for example through a durable power of attorney or a living will), for organ donation, for the burial plot, vault, marker or niche for cremated remains in a cemetery or for prepaid funeral plans.
When Death Occurs
When a loved one dies, the family should call the priest from the person's parish. Since the sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick is for the living, the priest would not anoint the deceased person but would pray with the family in the presence of the body for the eternal salvation of the deceased and for the consolation of those who are gathered.
If no choice of a cemetery and mortuary has been made, the hospital or nursing home where the death took place will assist the family or responsible person to choose and contact a cemetery and a mortuary. Should the death take place at home, then the family should consult any available records indicating the deceased's wishes or any prior arrangements with a cemetery and a mortuary. Otherwise, they should choose a cemetery and a mortuary whose reputation they trust. If a cemetery and a mortuary have already been chosen, then it will be necessary to contact the cemetery and the mortuary. There is a form at the end of the booklet (see p. 51) to gather the information that the mortuary would normally request.
After Loss—Putting the Pieces Back Together
by Steven V. Malec, BBA, NCBF, national speaker and Director of Bereavement Ministry for the Catholic Cemeteries Association in the Diocese of Cleveland, OH
Life and death are partners. At some point, all of us will face death: our own as well as those we love. To lose a loved one through death always causes changes for us and for our lives. Life is about change. Sometimes it is painful. Sometimes it is beautiful. Many times it can be both.
After the overwhelming loss of a loved one, it feels like your heart—and your entire world—is completely shattered into pieces. No one asks for life to change this way, but it does. We have no control over death, but we do have control over how we respond to death. How we respond is what counts. After a loss, we find out who we are as we go about putting the pieces of ourselves and our lives back together.
The First Piece: Recognize the Loss
If grief is to be healed, it must be identified, acknowledged, felt and expressed. Grief only destroys us when we deny it or refuse to deal with it. Admit and honor your feelings of loss. The psychologist and spiritual writer Henri Nouwen counsels that "The only feelings that do not heal are the ones you hide." Therefore, the only cure for grief is to grieve. It is as simple and as difficult as that.
To begin grieving, you need to accept the full reality of your loss—in both the big and all the little ways. The primary loss is that of your loved one; however, there are always a host of other losses as well. You need to identify all the losses that the death of your loved one involves. Make a list and identify all your losses so you know exactly what you are dealing with.
The Second Piece: Express the Loss
Initially, a very important step in the healing process is to tell and retell the story of your loss, with all of its pain. We need to experience the pain and express it in order to heal. Pain and emotional feelings are essential ingredients in the healing process.
Sharing your loss helps to ease that pain. You can share your loss by talking, writing, crying and praying. Grief is not a problem that we fix or solve, but an experience that we must embrace and express in order to heal.
Grieving is not something that must be done alone either. Ask for help from your family, friends, church and professional agencies. Don't always wait for others to read your mind and offer help. Make a list of what you need and be willing to accept the help that others offer. Be gentle and patient with yourself and realistic with what you can and simply cannot do at this time. Keep in touch with supportive friends or others who have been in a similar situation. Think about attending a support group.
The Third Piece: Learn about Grief
Grief is the normal, natural and appropriate response to the loss of a loved one. It is essential for the healing process. You are not going crazy; you are grieving. You work through the loss of a loved one by moving from the deep pain, intense sorrow and distressing regret to healing, inner peace and even joy.
It helps to learn all you can about the grief process. Read literature on grief and loss and watch the newspaper for articles about grief. Check with your church for support and resources. Look up Websites that have information on grief. Get on the mailing list for bereavement care newsletters from your cemetery, funeral home and area hospice.
The Fourth Piece: Face Your Loss
As you grieve, you are going to hurt. Grieving means living with pain. But that pain is the sign that you loved someone and someone loved you. You will always miss them and long to hear their voice one more time and that is okay. You cannot heal what you do not allow yourself to feel. Over time, each day will get a little better.
Each person's experience of loss is unique, but there are also common elements of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no orderly stages of progression. There are, however, healthy and unhealthy ways to cope with your grief.
Some healthy ways of coping include: talking about your loss with family, friends and others, writing in a journal, prayer, visiting the grave, looking at photos, honoring your feelings and taking good care of yourself physically and spiritually.
Doing these things often brings lots of tears. For both women and men, crying is a natural response to sorrow and can be extremely healing. Crying supports the immune system. Scientists have discovered that tears of sadness are chemically different from tears of joy. Crying these tears of sorrow flushes out depressants from the body.
You must also learn how to deal with the pain of your grief. The death of a loved one is the greatest of hurts that you will ever endure, and healing is never easy. Grieving takes courage, patience, endurance and faith. And though grieving is healthy and necessary, still it takes a huge toll on your body, mind and soul. So make sure to get proper rest, nutrition and exercise.
The Fifth Piece: Work through Your Grief
Grief has many different names and faces. When grieving a loss, it is normal to experience any of the following: shock/disbelief/numbness; loneliness/emptiness; fear/anxiety; anger/hostility; deep sadness/situational depression; a lack of purpose; a lack of energy; inability to concentrate; change in eating habits; change in sleeping habits; guilt/regret/relief; searching; envy of others; a strengthening or weakening of faith; acceptance/survival/healing.
Be determined to take time, notice and work through your grief even if others may want to hurry you through it. The funeral and burial may be finished in a week, but grieving goes on for a much longer time. The initial grief reactions of shock and disbelief are not the most painful or enduring ones. The five main grief reactions that usually remain the longest are anger, guilt, fear, sadness and loneliness. As you work through your grief, these acute grief reactions often lessen in intensity and soften. But you will have feelings of grief and will keep having them until you no longer need to.
There comes a time in your grief process when you will need to press through your emotions and grief reactions. Do not allow the "whys," the guilt or the regret to paralyze you in your grieving. If you do become stuck in your grief or if there is an issue that you cannot resolve, you may want to seek professional help. Also, let your faith help to heal you—in prayer give these unresolved areas to God as a seed and you will discover that God will bring you a harvest.
The Sixth Piece: Manage Your Loss
There is no easy way to bypass the experience of grief when a loved one dies. You must learn to manage your loss and not have your loss manage you. Bad things do happen to good people. You are still fragile, yet strong. Your heart is shattered, your bones ache and there are knots in your stomach.
Time alone does not heal all wounds, but rather what you do with your time does. Your heart is deeply wounded, and it will take time and hard work for healing to occur. While there is no set time schedule for the grief process, research shows that most grief reactions will be experienced and healed within 2-4 years for an anticipated loss and 4-7 years for a sudden loss. Although we usually want to know how long our grief will last, it is better to ask how willing are we to accept the reality of pain and truly work toward healing it.
Gradually, you will not only reclaim aspects of your old life but also add new ones, too. You will never really "get over it," but you can get through it. Through grieving, "moving on" is really moving back to former activities that you used to do and enjoy—dining out, going to the movies, doing hobbies, shopping, singing in church, among others.
We never really "let go" of our loved ones, but we do loosen our grip a little bit and let go of some of the pain. They are still a part of you and always will be! Take time to make a little connection with them every day.
The Seventh Piece: Hope for Healing
At the root of our faith is an unshakeable hope. Death is not the end. We believe that with Christ, there is life after death—"for your faithful people life has changed, not ended" (Preface of Christian Death, 1). Knowing and experiencing this makes our grief much different. It may not be any easier, but it is different.
We are like the Israelites who, when faced with the destruction of Jerusalem and its temple, did not despair but dared to hope and cried out in their grief: "My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is. My soul continually thinks of my affliction and is bowed down within me. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end" (Lamentations 3:17, 20-22).
We too dare to hope in the Lord. When a loved one dies, we grieve their loss. Christians grieve like everyone else, but we also grieve with faith and look to the crucified and risen Jesus for our hope. St. Paul encourages us to trust in the power of Christ's resurrection: "We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about those who have died so that you may not grieve as others who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have died" (1 Thessalonians 4:13-14).
There is life after death for your loved one. There is also life after loss for you! After the death of a loved one, your life has been changed because of your loss. Over time, your grief will change, too. It will soften. You will not always feel as you do at this moment.
But just because your life has changed, this doesn't mean it is ruined. There is hope and healing. First you must allow yourself to feel the pain of loss and grieve. Then in time and with hard work, the good days will begin to outnumber the bad days.
Let faith be your consolation and eternal life your hope. Jesus can help you heal if you invite him into the process. Through Jesus' suffering and death, we find hope and healing. It is an unrealistic expectation, however, to think that healing will restore your life back exactly the way it was before your loss. There is no full recovery. Some part of your loss may remain unrecovered for the rest of your life.
This doesn't mean that you cannot have peace and joy within you. Healing involves making peace with your life and even finding joy again. There is always loss before gain. Through this healing process, you will emerge a new person—stronger, more compassionate, more understanding and loving, with a life full of renewed meaning, purpose and love.
Putting the Pieces Back Together
Although this life has to end, love doesn't. A heart can be broken; but it still keeps beating. You can feel shattered, but you can put the pieces together again. Healing is a daily journey and a constant choice to go on and to look forward. Healing comes not from the forgetting, but from the remembering. Piece by piece, you will be healing.
May you experience the peace of Jesus Christ, which is beyond all understanding, as you journey through your loss to healing and anticipate your joyful reunion with all your loved ones.
Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Q & A: Catholic Funeral Practices
by Roxanne King, Editor, Denver Catholic Register
"For dust you are, and to dust you shall return."
—Genesis 3:19
The Denver Catholic Register spoke with Deacon Charles Parker, director of the archdiocesan Office of Liturgy, about Catholic funeral practices.
Q: What does the Catholic Church teach about death?
A: It's a transition from life to new life. In the prayers for the funeral Mass it says when our earthly dwelling ends in death we gain an everlasting life in heaven.
Q: What does the Church say about care of the body after death?
A: One of the reasons we use incense at the funeral Mass and incense the casket that houses the body is we believe the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit; through baptism and confirmation we know that Christ resides in our body. So that's why we owe the greatest honor and respect to the body in this life and after death.
Q: Both burial and cremation are permitted for Catholics. Which is the preferred option and why?
A: The Church clearly says that while cremation is permitted it doesn't enjoy the same value as burial of the body. In the new appendix to the Order of Christian Funerals for the cremation rite, it says the Church prefers and urges that the body be present for the funeral rites if one does choose cremation, but the Church says that cremation doesn't hold the same value as burial of the body. Just as Christ was bodily buried in the tomb, so ought we to follow that example.
Q: Do cremated remains need to be buried?
A: Cremated remains need to be treated with the same respect as we would the body of our deceased loved ones. They need to be inurned into the ground or placed in a cremation niche, which is the same for cremation as a mausoleum is for the body. The practice of keeping your loved one around the house is not the reverent disposition the Church requires. Nor is the scattering of ashes allowed. The cremated remains are to be buried or placed in a mausoleum-type niche.
Q: Why is it important not to scatter the remains?
A: The Church says the scattering of remains is not the reverent disposition that the Church requires; we need to treat them as we would a body. We would never think of parting out the body of our loved ones, nor should we part out their remains.
Q: What are the three stations of a Catholic burial?
A: The three principal stations of Catholic burial are: the funeral vigil—some people opt for a rosary—followed by a funeral Mass and, lastly, the prayers of committal done at the gravesite. Those are the three principal stages of Christian burial. There are additional options. There are options for the family to gather with a priest or deacon in the presence of the body and do initial prayers at first viewing at the mortuary. There are options for praying the office of the dead. There are many different options, just as there are for the funeral, to mark this journey with our loved ones from this earth to new life.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Preparing a Catholic Funeral by Kenneth Koehler. Copyright © 2012 Rev. Kenneth Koehler. Excerpted by permission of Church Publishing Incorporated.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Foreword by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D,How to Use This Booklet,
COPING WITH DEATH,
Preparing for Death by Rev. Kenneth Koehler,
After Loss—Putting the Pieces Back Together by Steven V. Malec, BBA, NCBF,
Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Q&A: Catholic Funeral Practices by Roxanne King,
Preparing Children for Funerals by Rev. Kenneth Koehler,
Honoring Wishes for End-of-Life Care by Dianne L. Josephson, RN, MSN,
Using Modern Technology and Social Media by Rev. Kenneth Koehler with Amy Sander Montanez and Dirk deVries,
GUIDELINES FOR PLANNING A FUNERAL,
Planning a Funeral by Rev. Kenneth Koehler,
Guidelines for Giving a Eulogy at a Funeral Mass by Rev. Kenneth Koehler,
The Vigil Service: Sharing the Reality of Life and Death by Dianne L. Josephson, RN, MSN,
The Importance of the Vigil by Anthony Haas,
Seven Tips about What to Say and Do to Comfort Others by Steven V. Malec, BBA, NCBF,
SCRIPTURE READINGS FOR FUNERALS,
MUSIC SUGGESTIONS FOR FUNERALS,
INSTRUCTION FORMS,
Vital Information for Survivors or Personal Representative,
Financial Papers & Records,
Vital Information for the Mortuary,
Funeral Services,
Vital Information for the Parish Church,
What People are Saying About This
"As one deeply involved in funeral ministry, both on a diocesan and parish level, this planning aid is a wonderful resource. I encourage the clergy and faithful alike to avail themselves of this valuable resource.
Order of Christian Funeral eloquently states, 'Christians celebrate the funeral rites to offer worship, praise and thanksgiving to God for the gift of a life which has now been returned to God' OCF #5. This planning book helps in fulfilling the Church’s vision for well-planned and celebrated funeral rites."
—Deacon Charles Parker, Director of Liturgy, Archdiocese of Denver