Rage Against the Minivan: Learning to Parent Without Perfection

by Kristen Howerton

Overview

“Howerton writes unflinchingly about what it means to be raising children in today’s world and how to liberate ourselves from the myth of perfect motherhood.”—Glennon Doyle, author of Untamed and Love Warrior, founder of Together Rising

In this smart and subversively funny memoir, Kristen Howerton navigates the emotional and sometimes messy waters of motherhood and challenges the idea that there’s a “right” way to raise kids. Recounting her successes, trials, mishaps, and hard-won wisdom, this mother of four advocates for letting go of the expectations, the guilt, and the endless race to be the perfect parent to the perfect child in the perfect family.

This book is for
● the parent who loves their kids like crazy but feels like parenting is making them crazy, too
● the parent who said “I will never . . .” and now they have
● the parent who looks like they have it all together but feels like a hot mess on the inside
● the parent who looks like a hot mess on the outside, too
● the parent who asks Am I good enough? Doing enough? Doing it right? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with these children? Are they eighteen yet?

With her signature blend of vulnerability, sarcasm, and insight, Howerton shares her unexpected journey from infertility to adoption to pregnancy to divorce to dealing with the shock and awe of raising teens. As a mom of a multiracial family and as a marriage and family therapist, she tackles the thorny issues parents face today, like hard conversations about racism, disciplining other people’s kids, the reality of Dad Privilege, and (never) attaining that elusive work/life balance. Rage Against the Minivan is a permission slip to let it go and allow yourself to be a “good enough” parent, focused on raising happy, kind, loving humans.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781984825162
Publisher:	The Crown Publishing Group
Publication date:	06/09/2020
Pages:	224
Product dimensions:	5.60(w) x 8.40(h) x 1.00(d)

About the Author

Kristen Howerton is a licensed marriage and family therapist and became the mother of four children within four years via birth and adoption. She is the founder of the blog Rage Against the Minivan and has created several popular humor destinations online, including the popular Tumblr “Pinterest, You Are Drunk” and the #assholeparent meme and Instagram account. She is the co-host of Selfie, a podcast dedicated to exploring the mind, body, and spirit aspects of self-care.

Read an Excerpt

The Internet Is Full of $*!# and So Am I

We have the choice of two identities: the external mask which seems to be real . . . and the hidden, inner person who seems to us to be nothing, but who can give himself eternally to the truth in whom he subsists.—Thomas Merton

A couple years ago, NPR reached out to me for a segment they were doing about the holidays. They wanted to interview me for tips on how moms could stay organized and calm in the midst of the season. I said yes, being the NPR nerd that I am, and then promptly forgot to put the interview in my calendar.

I had absolutely no business giving any shred of advice on successfully navigating the holiday season. I have a massive meltdown pretty much every year mid-­December. I predictably overbook myself, take on too much, and fail to say no. This particular year was no exception, and my stress was affecting my health. I wasn’t getting enough sleep, my immune system was shot, and I had developed shingles, a reactivation of the chicken pox virus that manifests in mind-­numbingly painful blisters. Shingles is, according to Google, thought to be brought on by stress.

One morning, a few days after NPR booked me to do the segment, I stepped out of the shower and began applying calamine lotion to the rash across my chest and stomach when my cellphone rang from a New York number. I picked up, thinking it was my agent. An NPR host told me to hold. I would be live in two minutes.

The calamine lotion was still wet so I couldn’t get dressed. I turned, and on the other side of the sliding glass door that separates the bathroom from the outside I saw the guy who mows my lawn step into the backyard. I couldn’t close the curtains without exposing my body even further, so I scurried into the toilet alcove, which would at least partially hide me from view.

There, naked, with sopping wet hair and covered in calamine lotion while hiding from a man mowing the grass in my backyard, I gave a national interview on how other people could stay sane during the holidays, including tips on mindfulness, self-­care, and slowing down. I hung up and thought . . . I AM SO FULL OF SHIT.

Back in my twenties, I loved to scour through home design magazines for inspiration. Today I am just as likely to peruse Pinterest, home decor websites, or foodie Instagram accounts as I am to read a magazine. The shift from magazines to social media has spawned a marketplace where anyone can create inspirational content. I love the fact that the Internet allows creatives to publish their own work. We are looking at real people, real homes, and often, real families. We think.

As a personal blogger, I’ve been in conversations with many other bloggers who have noticed this shift. Blogging started out as a kind of online journal, but for many it has morphed into more of an online magazine—little snippets of real life that perhaps don’t paint the full picture. It’s the highlight reel, and honestly? Sometimes it’s very staged.

I’ve gotten to know enough social media mavens to know that under that perfectly clean kitchen counter is probably a pile of recently cleared junk. I’ve met the homeschooling mom who has a hired “governess” to teach her kids while she blogs. I know Instagramers who take a week’s worth of wardrobe photos at once, with their hair and makeup professionally done, and then post them every day with an #outfitoftheday tag so we think that’s how they always look. I know the mommy blogger who takes her kids to open houses and takes photos in those perfectly staged houses to present the illusion that’s her life. I’ve met the blogger who portrays her marriage as amazing and fun while in real life, things are strained and distant. (Oh wait. That last one was me.)

I worry about the false messages about life, and specifically about motherhood, these influencers are collectively sending. Many of the early visions I had for my own family were drawn from images of motherhood presented in curated feeds that highlighted a perfect domestic existence, complete with sun­kissed lighting, designer clothes, and slightly mismatching West Elm pillows. I wanted those aesthetics for my own life. Creating those scenes would make me a good mom.

Then I had children. As it turns out, children arrive with personalities and needs that do not cooperate with our fantasies. My children were more interested in cartoon-­emblazoned plastic toys than the artisan-­crocheted dolls I bought on Etsy. They preferred SpongeBob to nature documentaries. They turned up their noses at vegetables or any kind of sauce, requesting instead the Bland Beige Food Group. They were uninterested in quiet family meals. Our table felt more like the breakfast scene from Cheaper by the Dozen than something painted by Norman Rockwell.

Motherhood is beautiful, but it’s also messy. In fact, happy family life should be messy. A lifestyle of only perfect moments is not a lifestyle I’m familiar with, nor is it one in which kids can really thrive.

On any given day, my sink is full of dishes. My house is clean exactly twice a month, every other Friday afternoon after the cleaning lady has come. The night before we all do a mad dash to clean the house before the cleaning lady comes because most rooms have gotten too messy in the course of two weeks for her to even be able to mop the floor. Most days there is a pile of clean laundry sitting on the sofa waiting to be put away. There is a chair next to my bed that solely exists for me to pile clothes on it. This chair is NEVER empty. I have never sat in that chair.

In the dining room there is a credenza whose sole purpose is being a place to pile papers. About once a month I will go through the papers and realize all of the things I forgot to do/sign/deal with. My junk drawer is so full that you have to rattle it a bit to open it, and every pen in there inexplicably does not work. Despite my daily nagging, there are approximately twelve pairs of shoes scattered across my living room floor, and probably more than a dozen abandoned cups. So many cups, you guys.

As the kids are getting older we also have real-­life dramas. Broken hearts and social issues and challenges in school and therapy appointments. We are far from perfect. And yet I think we are very typical. We’re an average, okay, mostly happy family. And my ongoing challenge has been learning that this is enough.

It’s still a constant temptation to compare my life to the “highlight reel” people post online. Once I was scrolling through Instagram and saw photos of a friend on a Hawaiian vacation with her kids. And as I looked at their photos, I had this pang of jealousy. I was thinking, Wow. They really go on a lot of trips. I wish I was able to do that. I want to be a family that travels more. They look like they are having so much fun.

Then I realized that I was looking at my phone at an Airbnb in Palm Springs where I was staying with my kids for a week. I was jealous of someone else’s family vacation while I was on my own awesome vacation. That is how absurd social media FOMO can be.

The truth is that contentment is an inside job. So is authenticity. Validation doesn’t come from magazines, blogs, Facebook feeds, or even your best friends. It doesn’t come from looking like you have it all together online. It’s easy to spend our time trying to manufacture the visuals of contentment, or longing for the images of happiness that permeate social media. It’s harder, but more rewarding, to dig into our own lives to do the work of finding gratitude and satisfaction in our private moments.

The struggle to be content and happy with your imperfect self is a journey. Over the years, I’ve worked hard at settling into peace with myself as a “good enough” mom, while maintaining some semblance of my own identity outside of parenting. That’s what raging against the minivan has come to mean to me. It’s the quiet rebellion against obsessing over the optics and outcomes of motherhood, from the kind of car we drive to looking like we have it all together. It’s about opting out of the comparison game and giving ourselves permission to fail, to get back up, and to love with our whole hearts again the next day.

Table of Contents

The Internet Is Full of $*!# and So Am I 3

Poop, There It Is 8

Ready, Set, Nope: How to Fail at Motherhood Before You Even Start 14

Miracle Baby 24

I "Had It All," Right on the Front of My Shirt 33

Give Me Downtime or Give Me Death 42

#Assholeparent 48

Ambiguity, for Sure 56

But They Are Such Cute Little Narcissists… 64

Smells Like Teen Spirit 69

Is You Is or is You Ain't My Baby 73

The Myth of Colorblindness 82

Checking Email Is the New Churning Butter 93

Dad Privilege 98

Opting Out 105

Cheerleaders and Ass-Kickers 115

Shaken 127

What Is Love? (Baby, Don't Hurt Me) 141

"Sleep When the Baby Sleeps" and Other Lies 150

Skin in the Game 156

Vwazinaj Se Fanmi (The Neighborhood Is the Family) 163

Does This Divorce Make My Brand Look Bad? 170

Type-A Mom, B+ Family: Excelling at Average 183

Opting In 188

It Gets Better: The Light at the End of the Laundry Room 194

Acknowledgments 201

Editorial Reviews

Howerton is one of the clearest, wisest, smartest voices in our culture. She tackles the complicated aspects of motherhood and distills them down to what is absolutely true, right, and good. Plus, she is funny and endearing, so she will forever be one of my favorite writers.”—Jen Hatmaker, author of Fierce, Free, and Full of Fire, For the Love, and Of Mess and Moxie

“This book is imperfectly perfect. Or perfectly imperfect. I get those confused. Either way, you should totally read it.”—Jenny Lawson, author of Furiously Happy and Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

“This book is like no parenting book I’ve ever read—it’s hilarious, thoughtful, and chock-full of the very best advice about raising kids. Read it. Not only will you have better tools and ideas for your parenting journey, but you’ll also realize you’re not alone.”—Matthew Paul Turner, author of When God Made You and When I Pray for You

“Howerton has a unique ability to be simultaneously playful and wise, funny and deeply thoughtful. She writes like a familiar friend and an insightful guide in the same moment. That’s a rare gift, and it makes this book so special.”—Shauna Niequist, author of Present Over Perfect and Savor

“Howerton tells a much bigger story than motherhood—she tells a human story. As someone without kids, I wondered where I might find myself in these pages, but everywhere I looked, there I was. Her honest and hilarious examination of motherhood —about losing control, never arriving, and learning something new at every turn—is deeply relatable and a fresh reminder that you’re not the only one who doesn’t have it all together.”—Brit Barron, author of Worth It

“I'm a grandpa now, enjoying all the high-reward, low-cost payoffs for decades of front-line parenting. But I vowed never to forget those most demanding (and amazing) years of my life, those years of the minivan slimed with orange Cheetos grease and perfumed with soccer-sock sweat. Kristen Howerton has written the book I wish I could have read back then, the book I would wish on any young parent whose moods swing between elation and exhaustion, rage and pride, unspeakable love and a desperate desire for five minutes without a diaper to change or a whine to interrupt. Read this book, parents. You'll know how much you need it when you’re a few pages in.”—Brian D. McLaren, author of The Great Spiritual Migration

“Howerton, a marriage and family therapist, gives readers a refreshing take on parenting: Relax. Nobody is perfect. . . . Howerton’s tone is refreshingly authentic and upfront but not cheeky, sassy, or heavy-handed. . . . Candid and witty.”—Kirkus Reviews

“Howerton’s parenting manifesto is a laugh-out-loud funny read many moms may find themselves nodding along with. . . . [Her] sage humor will resonate with a variety of readers of all types. Whether ruining her daughter’s lunch by putting a yellow straw in a pink cup, discussing the travails and joys of adopting her son Kembe from Haiti, or poking fun at unrealistic ideals of parenting culture, Howerton is both hilarious and relatable.”—Library Journal­­­

From the Publisher

05/01/2020

Family therapist Howerton guides parents struggling with perfectionism to do less, not more. Baptized by fire with four kids in as many years, the author has dealt with infertility, adoption, and divorce and is also a parent of children of several different races. Howerton's sage humor will resonate with a variety of readers of all types. Whether ruining her daughter's lunch by putting a yellow straw in a pink cup, discussing the travails and joys of adopting her son Kembe from Haiti, or poking fun at unrealistic ideals of parenting culture, Howerton is both hilarious and relatable. VERDICT Howerton's parenting manifesto is a laugh-out-loud funny read many moms may find themselves nodding along with.

Library Journal

2020-03-29
Why it’s OK not to be a perfect parent.

In her first book, Howerton, a marriage and family therapist, gives readers a refreshing take on parenting: Relax. Nobody is perfect. As the mother of four children, two adopted and two biological, the author is well equipped to offer advice. “Hopefully,” she writes, “this book will help you rage against the narratives of motherhood and life and relationships and gender that tell us we aren’t enough.” Among other topics, she shares her tragic experiences with multiple miscarriages, her long wait to officially adopt her first son, and the confusion people experienced when encountering her mixed-race family. Howerton’s tone is refreshingly authentic and upfront but not cheeky, sassy, or heavy-handed as it attempts to hit the laugh-out-loud button. “The truth is that contentment is an inside job,” she writes. “So is authenticity. Validation doesn’t come from magazines, blogs, Facebook feeds, or even your best friends. It doesn’t come from looking like you have it all together online.” So forget unattainable goals, she writes; “it’s about opting out of the comparison game and giving ourselves permission to fail, to get back up, and to love with our whole hearts again the next day.” Nothing offers more proof of that maxim than Howerton’s story of her trip to Haiti with a newborn to see her adoptive son at the time of the massive earthquake that devastated the country. She also explores her difficult decision to divorce her pastor husband despite their deeply religious community, which led to “some of the darkest [years] of my life. Many days, not crying in public or in front of my kids was the best I could do.” Ultimately, Howerton shows the good and the bad sides of parenting and encourages readers to breathe easier when contemplating their own inadequacies.

A candid and witty alternative to more formulaic parenting books.

Kirkus Reviews