Rational Relating: The Smart Way to Stay Sane in the Crazy World of Love
184
Rational Relating: The Smart Way to Stay Sane in the Crazy World of Love
184eBook
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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781452581781 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Balboa Press |
| Publication date: | 11/11/2013 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 184 |
| File size: | 745 KB |
Read an Excerpt
Rational Relating
The Smart Way to Stay Sane in the Crazy World of Love
By DAMON L. JACOBS
Balboa Press
Copyright © 2013 Damon Lance JacobsAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-8177-4
CHAPTER 1
Welcome to Rational Relating
Relationships don't have to be that hard. Billions are walking around on this earth trying to connect with others and build meaningful and satisfying bonds. Yet for so many, there is something getting in the way of this experience. Something is often preventing individuals and couples from having the joyful life they want and deserve.
You would think it would be different by now. It's not as if this is a new challenge. Humans have been roaming the planet for hundreds of thousands of years and somehow we've made it this far. We have more ways than ever to stay connected: smart phones, e-mails, text messaging, IM chatting, social networks, access to travel. Go to any bookstore and you'll find dozens of books instructing people on how to find and keep fulfilling relationships. Turn on any daytime talk show and you'll see "experts" sharing how to have better communication, more sex, and happier unions. More and more American states and other countries are recognizing same sex marriages as valid and legally sanctified unions.
Given all this, why are so many relationships so unsatisfying? It is largely because most people are never taught the intelligent and practical tools of relating to each other rationally. They do not have role models or guides to demonstrate and teach the intricacies of negotiation and compromise. They do not understand that love, attention, respect, and honor must be given to oneself before they can be truly received from someone else.
And how would anyone know this? It's not as if this is ever taught in school. You are given training and skill-building for essentially every job out there. No one would expect you to be able to drive a car if you never learned how. No one would ever expect you to perform surgery if you didn't have the required education. No one would expect you to get into the kitchen and create a four-course meal without the proper preparation and instruction. Yet we expect people to get married and stay together for 50 years with absolutely no training or preparation for relationships. It's no wonder that more than half of marriages end in divorce.
Sara and Bradley's relationship is a vivid and accurate example of what can happen when two people enter into a union without adequate prior training and skill-building. They are both bright and intelligent people who have had access to Amazon's books, Oprah's insights, and more available information than at any other time in history. Yet neither has acquired the basic tools to communicate with a loved one, to act with integrity and consistency, to compromise and negotiate differences, to demonstrate compassion when hurt, or to take responsibility for their own feelings and emotions. The joyful life they want and deserve seems to be perplexing and unattainable.
This book offers a simple solution to that mystery. It is called Rational Relating, and it is based on an effective tool I have developed in my two decades of practice as a marriage and family therapist. "Rationality" is a perspective that prioritizes thought over feeling, belief over mood, action over reaction. It is a way of being present in the world and in your interactions with others that increases experiences of joy, productivity, and tranquility, while minimizing pain, stagnation, and drama. Rational thinking increases options, possibilities, and choices for one's decisions and behaviors. In short, it gives you more freedom than you ever imagined.
However, implementing rationality in everyday life can mean you are going against the grain of what is expected of you in society. On a cultural level, we are seeing more irrational thinking than ever before. "Reality" television depicts and idealizes individuals who prefer to react emotionally and blame others for their moods and feelings, while actively creating problems and situations that lead to drama, which in turn, keeps them on TV. Social media is often used by people who wish to focus on a catastrophic problem, and/or express baseless arguments anonymously. Politically, Americans have spent the past decade shifting guilt from one party to the other, and one president to the other, which only adds to a limited-attention-span approach to negotiating complex differences.
It is long past time for a change. Whether we are talking about relationships with significant others, online acquaintances, family members, or someone in a "red state" or "blue state," we all can benefit from practicing more rational thinking, logical reactions, and compassionate practices.
Rational Relating is the first step in reclaiming a sense of empowerment, fulfillment, and self-efficacy in private and public relationships. It enables you to be mindful and focused in your connection with others. It empowers you to act in your relationships instead of react. It is the gateway to experiencing more fun, fulfillment, and freedom in all relationships by taking complete charge of your emotional journey.
This book will walk you through the step-by-step process of creating a joyful infrastructure that enhances connection and comfort in all relationships, including the one with yourself. It will guide you through a series of explanations, examples, and exercises that will demonstrate how you can incorporate more rational interactions with others. All that is required to learn this model is an open mind, a caring heart, and a willingness to connect with others.
What I Learned From Earthquakes
I began seeing couples as a marriage family therapist intern in California in 1996. To be honest, I dreaded them at first. It seemed that most people waited until the last minute to come to therapy to resolve their issues. So often I saw relationships dissipate under the pressure of frustrations and resentments that had been built up for years.
I always pondered this. People don't call the fire department after the house has become engulfed in flames. Why do they wait to see a therapist until the minute before the relationship is over? I aspired to find a way to help couples get help before the crisis that leads to the relationship 911 call.
Living in California lends itself to a certain degree of uncertainty and instability. The ground may literally shift beneath your feet at any given moment, putting a great deal of strain on building structures. I was living in the Bay Area during the destructive Loma Prieta earthquake in 1989, and saw firsthand what became of buildings that had a brick foundation with very limited range of flexibility or movement. Those were the first to collapse under pressure because they simply had no ability to withstand the trauma of the shifting ground below.
However, most of the newer buildings did withstand the shock. They were built to be able to endure and survive the stress of a major earthquake and its subsequent aftershocks. Many had damage, but because they could shift and move with the earth, they were better able to remain standing, as they still are today.
It occurred to me that relationships operate in very much the same way. The unions that are built on weak foundations, with limited or no ability to withstand stress and trauma, are the ones that collapse. Similarly, the bonds that are initially built on solid ground, with the flexibility to shift, change, and adjust, are the strongest and most resilient.
In the two decades that I have been studying and practicing couples therapy, I have begun to visualize every relationship as an individual structure, each with its own unique blueprint, complex layout, and intended purpose. And just like any building structure or home, every relationship has pillars that it depends on to remain solid and standing. If the pillars are strong, then the home is safe, secure, and less vulnerable to internal and external threats. But if the pillars are weakened, the structure itself is dangerously at risk of collapsing.
In Rational Relating, there are five pillars that sustain and maintain the strength of a relationship in the long run. They are:
Integrity--Having your actions consistently match your stated values, instead of saying one thing and doing another.
Communication--Practicing the art and skill of effectively expressing your thoughts and feelings.
Compassion--Seeking to acknowledge and appreciate your partner, while minimizing possibilities of doing intentional harm.
Responsibility--Accepting that you are in charge of your primary thoughts, feelings, and sense of worth, not your partner.
Compromise--Process of releasing personal gain for the greater good of the relationship.
My job as a couple's therapist is to teach and assist in strengthening and reinforcing their relationship's pillars. By doing this, they can maintain a satisfying and fulfilling structure that is able to withstand stressors and traumas that can potentially weaken and "damage the unit" over time. I help couples learn how to survive the big and little "quakes" that threaten the emotional structure.
In this framework, couples are neither "healthy" nor "dysfunctional." They are neither "good" nor "bad." They simply have pillars, unique to the two people involved, that are strong, or pillars that need reinforcing. And like any reliable building, all pillars need reinforcing over time.
How To Get The Most Out Of This Book
This book is intended to be a resource, a companion, and a guide that will allow you and your partner to measure and increase the strength of your pillars together. Although you can read it in linear order, you may find yourself referring back to different sections at different times when your relationship needs "reinforcement" in various ways. To that end, I would not recommend you read it once and put it on the shelf, but that you consider it as a tool in your continued process of joyful growth and change.
I encourage you to learn these strategies, not only as a reader, but as a teacher. Consider ways that you are able to share ideas that could work for others who are struggling with their own relationship structures. The more you think about ways to discuss these ideas with others, the deeper the lessons will sink in for you.
Do not feel overwhelmed by the density of the material, or that you have to "get it all" the first time around. There are times you may want to set this book down and let certain concepts sink in before proceeding to the next chapter. Those are great times to discuss the ideas with a partner or a friend, and do your own journal writing about what you have read. If you get off track or confused about how the material you are reading fits into the metaphor of the relationship structure, then turn to page nine, which illustrates the fundamental House Plan and maps out the journey toward creating the most satisfying relationship for you.
Please be aware, all of the names and case studies have been altered to protect the privacy and confidentiality of my clients. Some of the vignettes are composites of the work with done with several couples, while others are examples of events that took place with a singular couple over a period of time. They are meant to illustrate key themes, not reflect transcribed case notes.
Finally, I am completely aware that some of the ideas and values presented may appear contrary to the ideas and values you hold. I am not here to tell anyone what to do, what to believe, what to think, or how to act. My hope is that the framework presented will enable you to create what is uniquely right for you. No two buildings are exactly alike, and no two relationship structures will be exactly alike either. But by reading this book and implementing the ideas, you will find ways to expand and increase the truth that is right for you, even if those ways don't fit for everyone else.
CHAPTER 2The House Plan
Before we study the composition and construction of the five pillars themselves, we have some interesting prep work to do. This involves an exploratory look at our own attitudes and habits that were created and conditioned by the communities and societies in which we have lived.
There are five basic principles that are integral in creating a long-lasting structure. Or to put it another way, the following ideas are the "House Plans" that infuse Rational Relationships with power, strength, and durability. They are contrasted here as an alternative to the more traditional views of relationships taught in America, which are often fraught with pain, strife, and instability. As you read, think about which model feels like a better fit for you, and how you would prefer to connect with another person.
Rational Relationships seek to create vs. conform. In the traditional model of relationships, couples adapt their partnership and their family around society's ideas of "normal" without discussing, or even considering, whether or not these values are right for them. Decisions such as where to live, how to raise children, how to manage finances and where to go for vacations and holidays are made in order to conform with what people think they "should" do. The inevitable conflicts that stem from these unquestioned societal norms are frequently the very issues that lead couples to the therapy couch.
The problem with this model is that in an ever diversifying and rapidly changing world, there is no intrinsic "normal" or "should" that will apply to everyone. Long held traditions are being challenged and changed at an accelerated level, as technology allows us to learn about cultures and groups who live their lives and conduct their relationships in new ways. Individuals now grow up exposed to multiple ideas of how to dress, where to live, what to study, how to raise a child, and even how to express one's personal sexuality.
What one person in a relationship considers "normal" and "traditional" can vary completely from another's opinion. If one person leans toward conforming to traditional values, while the other person wishes to express more creativity, it can lead to conflict and resentment. We saw this in the opening example with Sara and Bradley when she insisted he "should" come with her to a family wedding even though he did not want to subject himself to abuse and ridicule.
In Chapter Eight we will go into more depth about how couples can create values and practices that are meaningful and right for them through the art and skill of compromise. Suffice to say that if one or both members insist on rigid "shoulds" and make decisions based on the values of other people, it will promote conflict, strife, and a consistent weakening of the couple's pillars.
Rational Relationships act with consistency vs. confusion. How often do you get upset when your partner says one thing and does another? With small actions this can lead to annoyance and irritation. With larger behaviors, such as lying, deceiving, or having a relationship outside your agreements, it can lead to anger, betrayal, and violations of trust.
We often see the media present a sensational story that reveals a public person's actions as inconsistent with their stated values. It has become commonplace for elected officials and corporate CEOs to say one thing and do another. Political campaigns often show candidates drastically changing their policies and promises depending on the audience they are addressing. From mismanaging investments, to senators who vote against gay rights while carrying on same sex affairs, we live in a world that is facing a preponderance of public values and opinions that are out of alignment with private choices and decisions. How do you ever know what or whom to believe?
This same confusion and uncertainty can affect the way we relate to our partners and spouses. People may say they believe in values like monogamy, while having an affair outside their primary relationship. They may say they want to save money while secretly going on shopping binges. Or, they may say they want to preserve the relationship while doing everything in their power to sabotage it. We saw this with Sara when she appeared to be saying and doing everything to push Bradley away, all the while asking if this marriage can be saved. Repairing the damage caused by discrepancies between words and actions, and promoting consistency between stated values and behaviors, is fundamental in maintaining a satisfying and trustworthy alliance.
Rational Relationships express gratitude vs. grievances. As mentioned earlier,most of ushavenot been given adequatetools and skills to engage in rational, equitable, and loving communication with one another. Instead, we have been conditioned to use words and language to complain, control, attack, and demand. Most conversations I hear in local coffee shops, subways, or theaters, or read online, involve some level of complaint or focus on what someone else is doing "wrong." With Sara and Bradley, there is clearly a pattern of anger, disparagement, bitterness, and resentment that permeates their verbal interactions.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Rational Relating by DAMON L. JACOBS. Copyright © 2013 Damon Lance Jacobs. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Foreword, vii,Introduction, ix,
Chapter 1 Welcome to Rational Relating, 1,
Chapter 2 The House Plan, 9,
Chapter 3 Laying The Foundation, 17,
Chapter 4 The Integrity Pillar, 32,
Chapter 5 The Communication Pillar, 55,
Chapter 6 The Compassion Pillar, 84,
Chapter 7 The Responsibility Pillar, 109,
Chapter 8 The Compromise Pillar, 131,
Chapter 9 Welcome To Your New Home, 156,
Acknowledgments, 169,