Read an Excerpt
Recovering From Rape
By Linda E. Ledray Henry Holt and Company
Copyright © 1994 Linda E. Ledray
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-62779-848-8
CHAPTER 1
It's Not Your Fault
Our identity is a dream. We are process, not reality, for reality is an illusion of the daylight, the light of our particular day.
— Loren Eiseley, The Star Thrower
TO THE SURVIVOR
Whatever you did — accepted a ride from a stranger, wore a low-cut blouse, had too much to drink with someone you met in a bar, invited a man you did not know well to your home, forgot to lock the door, were out late, took a walk alone — you did not deserve to be raped. In retrospect, we are all aware of things we would not have done if we could have known the results ahead of time. But we cannot always know the results of our actions in advance, and we do not usually get hurt. Yes, you were hurt this time, but that does not mean you should have known better and done things differently. You are not to blame. You were the victim of a violent crime, not the person responsible.
Unfortunately, rape is not something that happens to only a few women. On the average, one woman is being raped somewhere in the United States every minute of every day. One out of every four women born in this country will be raped at some point in her life. According to FBI statistics, in the United States alone, more than 100,000 women report being raped each year, and an estimated additional 400,000 to 900,000 women are raped but do not report the crime. Because most rapes go unreported, and fewer than 10 percent of the reported rapists go to jail, most rapists are still out walking the streets, free to rape again, having suffered no negative consequences as a result of their crime.
Rape occurs any time a person is forced or coerced, physically or through verbal threats, into any type of sexual contact with another person, whether the assailant is a friend, an acquaintance, an employer or a fellow employee, a husband, or a stranger. Although we may not be aware of it, each of us probably knows at least one other person who has been raped. Like many of these women, you may feel as if you should or could have done something to avoid being raped. But no matter what you did or didn't do, you should not feel foolish or stupid. You should not chastise yourself with thoughts like "I shouldn't have walked down that street," or "I should have known better than to trust him." The rape is over now, and you survived. It's time to move ahead.
At first you may find it difficult not to blame yourself, especially since other people may blame you too or not believe you were raped. Often, unintentionally upsetting comments come from boyfriends, roommates, friends, parents — those closest to you and whose opinions you value the most. People may say things without considering the implications of their words. You should be prepared for this. You must understand the dynamics involved and know not to accept the myths about rape that you may hear from others.
Janet, an eighteen-year-old woman, was out for a late-afternoon walk in the early spring.
He came out of nowhere and grabbed me from behind. I froze. He had a gun. I didn't know what to do or what he wanted. It was early, but at that moment there was no one else around. He grabbed my hair and stuck the gun in my ribs, jerking me sideways into the alley. He was holding me up by my hair as I stumbled sideways. It all happened so quickly. He raped me in back of some garbage cans. It was so dirty and so humiliating. I can still smell that terrible odor. The police brought me into the hospital and called my parents. My father came down to the emergency room. The first thing he asked me was "Can you defend yourself against a man with a gun?" I told him I couldn't, and he had been much bigger than I am too. So my father said, "That's right, so you should know better than to go out of the house alone. If you can't defend yourself, you should never go out of the house alone, day or night."
Janet felt completely deflated and helpless. She did not know how to respond. She knew somehow that what her father had said was illogical, but how could it be? She had been unable to defend herself, and in a similar situation in the future she also would be unlikely to be able to do so. Did that mean that she should become a prisoner in her own home or dependent on the "protection" of a man who could defend her? Was her father suggesting that the rape was her fault because she was "foolish" enough to go out of the house alone?
Her father, a large man himself, had not been there to "protect" Janet and "prevent" the rape. Nor had anyone else been there to protect her. But few women or men can protect themselves from someone with a gun, and it is unrealistic to become prisoners in our own homes, afraid to go out alone, day or night, for fear of being raped. Besides, women are raped when they are out with their friends and when they are home with their families. In fact, more women are raped in their own home than any other single place. In a study I conducted in Minneapolis in 1984 on the impact and treatment needs of rape victims and their families, 29 percent of the women were raped in their own homes. The next most frequent place was in a car, where 28 percent of the women were raped. While only 2 percent were actually raped on the street, another 34 percent were first approached by the rapist while they were on the street, coming and going to work, visiting friends, or waiting for a bus.
According to these statistics, if you stay off the streets, out of cars, and out of your home, you may reduce your chance of being raped by more than 90 percent. Unfortunately, even being with a man "for protection" does not always prevent rape.
My boyfriend and I decided to see a late movie after having dinner downtown. I always thought I was safe out with him. I still can't believe it really happened. We were in the parking lot when all of a sudden two men were forcing us into a car. A third guy got into the backseat. They drove us to a deserted lot, somewhere on the edge of town, all the while saying, "If you just sit quiet and cooperate we won't hurt you." The only thing worse they could have done was to kill us both. I thought they might. They made my boyfriend watch while one raped me and they forced me to have oral sex with one of the others. Then he urinated on me. When they were done with me, they raped my boyfriend.
Should Peggy and her boyfriend have known better than to stay out late or to park in the restaurant parking lot? Does the fact that they parked there mean that they deserved to be raped or that they were asking for it? The initial response of one of Peggy's friends was "You should have known better than to have parked there."
Gloria, the mother of two teenage sons, was spending a quiet evening at her suburban home with her family. She went to answer the door and was overpowered by three men with a shotgun. They tied up her husband and her eighteen-year-old son and dragged her around the house looking for valuables, then they raped her before they left.
Should Gloria have known better than to have answered the door? Does the fact that she answered the door and that these men then got in make her responsible? Her neighbor told her, "You should never have opened your front door without knowing who was there."
No matter what you could have done differently, the rapist — not you — is to blame for the assault. So, why do so many otherwise-intelligent, rational people blame the survivor? Why do survivors blame themselves? Why have the many myths about rape been kept alive for so long? In order to put these detrimental myths to rest, we must understand why certain beliefs are accepted.
The Function of Rape Myths
Myths about rape have survived in our culture so tenaciously for so long because they have a number of social functions. Rape myths allow people to feel safe by letting them believe that rape rarely happens, and that when it does, it is because the woman secretly wanted to be raped. The myths enable us to maintain our belief that we live in a just world. They allow us to believe we can prevent future rapes. They keep women unequal to men, living under their control and in need of their protection from harm, and they maintain the Adam-and-Eve tradition of our culture, in which man is believed to be the innocent victim of the evil temptress — woman.
Myths Provide False Security
When we are confronted with the story of a rape, the easiest way to maintain our feelings of safety and invulnerability is to believe that what we are hearing is indeed a work of fiction, not a true story. If we believe that "many rape reports are false," then we significantly lower our perceived chance of becoming a victim too. In 1978 a survey evaluating the acceptance of rape myths was conducted at the University of Minnesota School for Social Research. Most participants believed that more than half of the women who claim to be raped lie about it because they are "angry at the man and want to get even," or "they are pregnant and want to protect their reputation." More than 49 percent reported believing that women who say they are raped are "lying to call attention to themselves."
There have been a few cases where women have recanted their stories, as happened in the widely publicized 1985 Gary Dotson/Cathleen Webb case in Illinois. However, the vast majority of women who report being raped are telling the truth. Even a woman who recants may not have lied about being raped. She may have decided to change her story for a number of reasons, such as to end threats from the rapist's family or because of pressure from a religious leader who urges her to forgive and forget. Battered women often recant to the police in order to get the assailant out of jail, after he begs for their forgiveness and perhaps even offers marriage or to change his ways to prove his real love.
The implication behind many myths is that there may have been sexual intercourse, but it was not rape. For example, the myth that "a woman can run faster with her skirt up than a man can with his pants down" is simple enough. People who believe this myth think that a woman should be able to run away from a rapist, and if she does not, then she really must not have wanted to get away. This does not, however, take into consideration the immobility that results when you are faced with a threatening, angry man, with or without a weapon, and are afraid of being hurt or killed if you don't do what he tells you.
Many people, especially men, are unwilling to believe that a rape has occurred unless the woman fights to the point of exhaustion and sustains physical injuries, such as cuts or bruises, or torn clothing, as proof of her resistance. A 1979 study completed at Iowa State University found an interesting difference between male and female students' attitudes toward rape survivors who did or did not fight back. In cases in which the survivor resisted more forcefully, male students believed that the woman was more intelligent and less to blame for the rape. Female students, on the other hand, believed survivors who had resisted more forcefully were less intelligent and more at fault. According to researchers, the findings supported established societal norms. The students interpreted the survivors' behavior according to norms for their own sex: Men are taught to fight back and defend themselves, and see this as the intelligent, responsible thing to do; women are taught that men will be good to them and won't hurt them if they do as they are told. The result is that many women believe if a woman is foolish enough not to follow a man's directions, she "deserves what she gets." The Iowa State University study also found that, because they expect women to resist physical aggression, the men were less likely to believe a crime — a rape — had really been committed when the woman did not fight back. They were more likely to blame the nonresisting woman and to believe the rape was her own fault. After all, if she had really wanted to get away, she would have fought back — as these men felt they would do — when attacked.
Pauline met a very attractive man in one of the classier bars in town while out one Friday night. The man bought her a couple of drinks, then suggested they go to another bar just a short distance away. His car was in the parking lot, so he said he would drive. As soon as she got into his car, he grabbed her hair and forced her down on the seat. Then he took out a pair of handcuffs and put them on her. He drove to a deserted street not far away, raped her both vaginally and anally, and forced her to perform oral sex.
The police would not make an arrest in the case because they did not think it would hold up in court. Pauline had been seen drinking with this man, and she had willingly left the bar with him. She had not fought back, so she had no cuts, bruises, or torn clothing to indicate there had been a struggle. He claimed consent and there was no physical proof to indicate he was lying. Too many people still believe the old myths, so this man went free. Unfortunately, this is not an unusual situation.
In reality, less than 30 percent of all rape survivors are cut or bruised as a result of the rape. Only 23 percent of the women I interviewed in a Minneapolis study completed in 1984 used physical means such as hitting, biting, kicking, or pushing to resist the assailant. An additional 24 percent screamed. More than half of the women were too frightened or intimidated to use any physical means of resistance. But they did not consent. It was still rape.
Women, for the most part, are not taught to resist physical attacks. We are taught to submit to physical force, and we usually do. In fact, we usually submit even before we are confronted with threats of physical harm. While aggressiveness is an expected and approved trait in boys, it is strongly discouraged in girls. Even today advocates are still fighting for equality of sports activities in the schools, and they have a long way to go.
Women are expected to respond with fear to the same situations to which men are expected to respond with anger. In a 1976 study completed at Cornell University, subjects were shown a videotape of a small baby seeing a jack-in-the-box for the first time and were asked to describe the baby's reaction. When the subjects were told that the baby was a girl, they interpreted her response as being frightened. When other subjects saw the same tape of the same baby but were told it was a boy, they described the response as anger.
Some people concede that a man accused of rape may have used force, but they still maintain that the woman "really wanted it anyway." While some women may fantasize about being raped, there is a big difference between what people want in fantasy and what they want in reality. No woman wants to be brutally raped by anyone. Both men and women fantasize about many things they would never actually want to have happen.
More than 70 percent of the general public responding in a 1978 survey carried out by the University of Minnesota Center for Social Research believed that women are raped because, out of an unconscious wish to be raped, they do such things as dress provocatively. Rapists, however, know that this is not true. Only 6 percent of the rapists questioned in the same survey said that rape was the survivor's fault.
There are also many myths about how women are supposed to act after a rape — that is, if they were "really raped." One of these beliefs is that "after a woman is raped, she will be hysterical"; she will be extremely upset, crying, afraid, angry, or very sad.
Nina had been raped at knifepoint. Here's her story.
He acted like a lunatic. He was real nice when I first met him, and insisted on walking me home so I would be safe, of all things. My apartment was close, only a few blocks away, but he insisted and he seemed so nice. When we got to my apartment door, he suddenly forced his way in and took out a knife and started talking about how he was going to kill me. I was so scared I couldn't move or speak. I did exactly what he wanted.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Recovering From Rape by Linda E. Ledray. Copyright © 1994 Linda E. Ledray. Excerpted by permission of Henry Holt and Company.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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