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Chapter One
Thursday January 1st
BANE HOLIDAY IN ENGLAND,
IRELAND, SCOTLAND AND WALES
These are my New Year's resolutions:
- I will help the blind across the road.
- I will hang my trousers up.
- I will put the sleeves back on my records.
- I will not start smoking.
- I will stop squeezing my spots.
- I will be kind to the dog.
- I will help the poor and ignorant.
- After hearing the disgusting noises from downstairs last night, I have also vowed never to drink alcohol.
My father got the dog drunk on cherry brandy at the party last night. If the RSPCA hear about it he could get done. Eight days have gone by since Christmas Day but my mother still hasn't worn the green lurex apron I bought her for Christmas! She will get bathcubes next year.
Just my luck, I've got a spot on my chin for the first day of the New Year!
Friday January 2nd
BANK HOLIDAY IN SCOTLAND. FULL MOON
I felt rotten today. It's my mother's fault for singing "My Way" at two o'clock in the morning at the top of the stairs. Just my luck to have a mother like her. There is a chance my parents could be alcoholics. Next year I could be in a children's home.
The dog got its own back on my father. It jumped up and knocked down his model ship, then ran into the garden with the rigging tangled in its feet. My father kept saying, "Three months' work down the drain," over and over again. The spot on my chin is getting bigger. It's my mother's fault for not knowing about vitamins.
Saturday January 3rd
I shall go mad through lack of sleep! My father has banned the dog from the house so itbarked outside my window all night. Just my luck! My father shouted a swear-word at it. If he's not careful he will get done by the police for obscene language.
I think the spot is a boil. Just my luck to have it where everybody can see it. I pointed out to my mother that I hadn't had any vitamin C today. She said, "Go and buy an orange, then." This is typical.
She still hasn't worn the lurex apron.
I will be glad to get back to school.
Sunday January 4th
SECOND AFTER CHRISTMAS
My father has got the flu. I'm not surprised with the diet we get. My mother went out in the rain to get him a vitamin C drink, but as I told her, "It's too late now." It's a miracle we don't get scurvy. My mother says she can't see anything on my chin, but this is guilt because of the diet.
The dog has run off because my mother didn't close the gate. I have broken the arm on the stereo. Nobody knows yet, and with a bit of luck my father will be ill for a long time. He is the only one who uses it apart from me, No sign of the apron.
Monday January 5th
The dog hasn't come back yet. It is peaceful without it. My mother rang the police and gave a description of the dog. She made it sound worse than it actually is: straggly hair over its eyes and all that. I really think the police have got better things to do than look for dogs, such as catchingmurderers. I told my mother this but she still rang them. Serve her right if she was murdered because of the dog.
My father is still lazing about in bed. He is supposed to be ill, but I noticed he is still smoking!
Nigel came round today. He has got a tan from his Christmas holiday. I think Nigel will be ill soon from the shock of the cold in England. I think Nigel's parents were wrong to take him abroad.
He hasn't got a single spot yet.
Tuesday January 6th
EPIPHANY. NEW M0ON
The dog is in trouble!
It knocked a meter-reader off his bike and messed all the cards up. So now we will all end up in court I expect. A policeman said we must keep the dog under control and asked how long it had been lame. My mother said it wasn't, lame, and examined it. There was a tiny model pirate trapped in its left front paw.
The dog was pleased when my mother took the pirate out and it jumped up the policeman's tunic with its muddy paws. My mother fetched a cloth from the kitchen but it had strawberry jam on it where I had wiped the knife, so the tunic was worse than ever. The policeman went then. I'm sure he swore. I could report him for that.
I will look up Epiphany in my new dictionary.
Wednesday January 7th
Nigel came round on his new bike this morning. It has got a water bottle, a milometer, a speedometer, a yellow saddle, and very thin racing wheels. It's wasted on Nigel. He only goes to the shops and back on it. If I had it, I would go all over the country and have an experience.
My spot or boil has reached its peak. Surely it can't get any bigger!
I found a word in my dictionary that describes my father. It is malingerer. He is still in bed guzzling vitamin C.
The dog is locked in the coal shed.
Epiphany is something to do with the three wise men. Big deal!
Thursday January 8th
Now my mother has got the flu. This means that I have to look after them both. Just my luck!
I have been up and down the stairs all day. I cooked a big dinner for them tonight: two poached eggs with beans, and tinned semolina pudding. It's a good job I wore the green lurex apron because...
The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole. Copyright © by Sue Townsend. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
