Read an Excerpt
Secret Survivors
Real-Life Stories to Give You Hope for Healing
By Jen Howver Megan Hutchinson Zondervan
Copyright © 2008 Jen Howver and Megan Hutchinson
All right reserved. ISBN: 978-0-310-28322-5
Chapter One KAT A SURVIVOR OF DATE RAPE * * *
Kat is a strong woman with a lively personality that draws others to her. But beyond her energetic spirit, there is a compassionate woman who understands pain, shame, and healing. She's committed to helping others who are in pain because of the journey she's made herself-a journey through hurt to a place of healing that enables her to shine and bring joy to everyone around her. So here's the story of Kat-a survivor of date rape.
* * *
It was a warm evening in October. They were at his grandparents' house, alone in the backyard. They looked up at the full moon as Dave began touching her with tender kisses and gentle strokes of her hair. And as he kissed her, he would say, "I love you ... I love you." Kat felt so loved inside.
But in an instant Dave's tender gentleness turned into a more aggressive touch. His sweet voice grew harsh. He forced her onto the ground, as she cried, "No ... No." She struggled, confused by what was happening. But she could not stop him. He forced himself inside of her and, within seconds, it was over. It all happened so quickly, but Kat recalls every vivid detail. Her boyfriend had sex with her against her will.
She lay on the ground as Dave quickly got up, adjusted himself, and looked at her tear-stained face. "What the hell is the matter with you?" he asked harshly. "I love you. Get up."
Disillusioned, she thought to herself, "He's right. What is the matter with me?" So she picked herself up, dusted herself off, and acted like it never happened.
Nearly five years later, Kat sat in her college chapel service listening to another woman share her own story of being date raped. Kat's stomach was in knots as she listened. "I felt as though the speaker was telling my story. That was the first time I realized that what had happened to me when I was only 14 was not my fault. I had been date raped."
* * *
Born just a few days after the fourth of July, Kat always lived up to the nickname her mother gave her-"firecracker baby." As the youngest of four girls, it didn't take Kat long to figure out she loved people and any attention she could get from them. She discovered a talent for roller-skating, so she would invite all the neighbors to pay a dime to attend her "shows." As she rolled into aerials and cartwheels, the "audience" cheered! From that point on, Kat worked hard to gain the applause and praise of those around her.
Kat also loved to play. She and her youngest sister, Allison, spent many hours up in the old wooden tree house their dad had built-playing, singing, dancing, and laughing. They also went on lots of family trips in their motor home. They went all over the country-usually with their boat or motorcycle in tow. Looking back, these are among Kat's fondest memories.
Her family never missed church on Sunday. Mom would make sure everyone was dressed like perfect little ladies, and then dad would pile all the girls-Karen, Ann, Allison, and Kat-into the family station wagon. "I hated church, mostly because it was boring, but also because my school was part of the church-it was like I could never escape."
But church is the place Kat learned to be on her very best behavior. When the girls misbehaved, they were spanked. However, when they behaved well, they were rewarded with a piece of candy from the local 7-Eleven store. The girls loved candy, so they were usually on their best behavior.
When Kat was nine, the family went to New York City and saw the Broadway musical, "Little Orphan Annie." It inspired Kat like nothing else, and it became her goal to sound just like Annie. Day after day, she and Allison would sing "Tomorrow" at the top of their lungs, hoping someone would hear and compliment their talent.
Kat soon found herself singing all the time. She took private voice lessons for 10 years, and began singing professionally during that time. Whenever her parents had guests over, Kat was the entertainment. She performed everywhere she could-musicals, churches, and even her tree house (so all the neighbors could hear!). When people clapped and cheered, she felt like she was special-like she was loved and valued and worth something. It was during these experiences that Kat started to determine how loved she was by how well she performed-in every area of her life.
Like many other girls, Kat went through junior high concerned about her body and obsessed with boys. Shortly after her 14th birthday, she started attending a new youth group in a local church. That's when she first locked eyes with Dave. That night he offered to drive her home and she accepted.
Dave was almost 17, and Kat was flattered by his attention. When they got to her house, he asked her out to the movies and she accepted immediately. The only problem was her parents' rule-the girls couldn't date until they turned 16. But Kat was so thrilled to have the attention of a boy she liked that she decided to lie to her parents. "The entire youth group is going to the drive-in movie this Friday," she told them with convincing excitement. "Can I go?" Her parents said yes-up until this point, she'd never given them any reason not to trust her.
From that first date, they were hooked. They soon started seeing each other nearly every day, and Kat's parents were thrilled she was spending so much time with the "youth group." As the weeks went by, Kat began to feel things for Dave she'd never felt before; she trusted him and cared deeply for him.
About a month after they started dating, Kat and Dave went to a friend's house one night to hang out in the hot tub, since the friend's parents were out of town. They joked around and laughed, and Dave gently kissed Kat and told her how much he loved being near her. Then he started to touch her breasts, and she began to cry. She'd never been touched like that before, and she was not comfortable with it. But Dave's response put her at ease. "I'm sorry, I love you. Let's pray." She believed him, especially since he told her he loved her. So far in life, Kat's experiences had taught her that people who love you don't intentionally hurt you.
But the next night they went back to the hot tub and he started again. Except this time he tried to go even further. Again, Kat cried, and Dave was quick to respond, "I'm sorry, I love you. Let's pray." Kat believed him again. In her mind he was her first love, and she believed he loved her and he loved God.
The next time Dave touched her, he proved he was not worthy of her trust. This was the night he violated her terribly, by having sex with her against her will. It was a night she would never, ever forget.
* * *
She walked away from that experience a different girl. She thought it was her fault. In a matter of seconds her world was turned upside-down and nothing would ever be the same-not her family, her friends, her school, God, and especially the way she viewed herself. And in the days and months that followed, she felt surrounded by a thick, dark fog. She felt the beating of a constant pain inside her.
Two weeks after the night when Dave forced her to have sex, Kat was getting ready to sing a solo at church when Dave walked in. He came over to her and said, "I never loved you. It's over," and walked away.
She stood there in disbelief. She wondered, "How could he do that? How could he give himself to me and then dump me like nothing ever happened? As if sex never happened!" She wanted to scream at him, but she couldn't find any words. She loved him and hated him at the same time-and it left her confused and devastated. She fell deeper into the fog and contemplated suicide. She wrote a suicide letter to her family and then tore it into pieces. Deep inside she knew that wasn't the answer.
But Kat didn't know how to handle all the pain she was feeling. She started doing things she'd never done before-ditching school, sneaking out in the middle of the night, drinking, experimenting with drugs, and hooking up with random guys. Her pain hit an all-time low when she woke up in a motel room one morning next to a guy she barely knew. She had to ask him what they'd done together, because she'd been too drunk to remember. She was in a downward spiral and life felt out of control. Her dreams were broken and her heart was broken.
"It was like I was trying to drown out my pain with anything that might distract me," Kat recalls. "But I couldn't escape the pain, and people started to notice." It wasn't long before her parents, who loved her deeply, were catching her in her own lies. She was grounded for days, weeks, and even months on end. But it didn't make her change. In fact, it made her rebel even more.
As an innocent nine-year-old, Kat had dreamed of being Annie. As an infatuated 14-year-old, she'd lost her virginity against her will. And now, suddenly, she was 18-a legal adult-and her life was spinning out of control.
But the date rape was still her secret. No one knew what had happened with Dave. Kat tried to cover her pain and brokenness by performing even more, trying to appear like she had it all together. She sang her heart out to get applause and dated every willing guy-anything to make her feel accepted and loved.
* * *
When she was 19, Kat started attending a Christian college, on a vocal music scholarship. As a freshman she often wore skimpy clothing to get attention from guys. She remembers very vividly a day when another girl gently confronted her about the way she dressed. It shocked Kat. She didn't know her efforts to gain attention and approval were so obvious. "Slowly I began to realize that the feeling I got when a guy gave me a look or a smile didn't really satisfy my deep longing for love and acceptance."
Kat experienced a lot of changes when she started college. But during her first semester, something unexplainable happened. Overnight, she lost her singing voice. Doctors couldn't explain the loss. She saw the top vocal specialist in Los Angeles, and his words shocked her. "Kat, you will never sing again."
She listened in disbelief. "What do you mean I'll never be able to sing again?" she asked. "There's got to be something you can do. I'm a singer! That's what I'm supposed to do with my life!" But there was nothing any doctor could do. For years Kat had dreamed she'd make it as a singer. She'd been told she was good enough to make it in New York. And now, in a single moment, she'd lost her scholarship, her dream, and the focus of her life. Kat cried and asked herself a million questions: "What will I do now? Who am I without my singing voice? Why would God allow this to happen to me?" It wasn't until years later that she would find answers to her questions.
It was just a week after hearing that news from her doctor that Kat found herself sitting in the college chapel, listening to a woman who shared her own story of being date raped. Kat sat, with her stomach in knots, as the woman spoke of how her experience had led her to look for love and acceptance from men to ease her pain. She said it had taken years for her to realize and accept how deeply God loved her.
"As I listened, I felt like she was telling my story. For the very first time, I realized that what had happened to me when I was just 14 wasn't my fault." The words rang through her ears: It was not my fault. It was not my fault. Kat ran to her dorm room, grabbed her teddy bear, and curled into a ball. She cried until she had no tears left, and then she called her mom. Kat could barely speak the words of her long-locked secret: "Mom ... I ... was ... date ... raped." It was the first time she had told anyone.
Her mom comforted her over the phone. She reminded Kat of how much she and her dad loved her, and said they'd do whatever it took to get her the help she needed. "You're going to be okay, honey. It's going to be all right." Kat felt a strange sense of peace for the first time in a long time.
* * *
The very next day Kat began meeting with a counselor. And week by week, month by month, and year by year, her life began to change. She learned a lot in those years. She learned that keeping that secret-what had happened to her at age 14-was only hurting her. She learned to trust herself. She learned to have faith in God again. Eventually, she learned she could actually forgive Dave. And she learned that her true identity was not as a singer, a girlfriend, a student, or a successful career woman. Her identity was as the woman that God created her to be-with gifts, talents, and abilities that she could use to make a difference in the world.
Kat is quick to point out that she didn't learn any of those things overnight. She spent years believing she was unlovable (unless a guy was attracted to her) and unworthy (unless she was offering something to someone else) and unacceptable (unless she was performing). It took years for Kat to replace those lies with the truth. She had to remind herself daily who she really was, and that she was deeply loved.
During her junior year of college, Kat clung to a few verses in the Bible that she prayed for herself everyday. She'd get on her knees and tell herself:
Kat, you were bought with a price. (1 Corinthians 6:20)
Kat, you are a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
Kat, you are chosen by God, holy and dearly loved. (Colossians 3:12)
Kat, be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)
As she repeated these promises from God each day and learned to trust her own voice, the truth began to sink in. Today, Kat knows she is loved and accepted just as she is-even if she can't sing, and even if she's not the center of attention.
When Kat looks back on her journey, she sees that God never wastes a pain. She believes that God can take even our most tumultuous and tragic experiences and use them to help us-and others-grow emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. But she knows from experience that, in order for any good to come from our pain, we have to do our part. We have to choose how we handle our pain, or else our pain will handle us.
Kat buried her pain for years, and it had repercussions in every area of her life. But once she was able to face the reality of being a date rape victim, and once she dealt with the painful effects it had on her life, she found a way to reach out to other victims, to gently guide them through their own pain. And as she's been able to use her own experience to help others, she's come to realize her pain was not wasted.
Today, Kat shares her story without hesitation, in an effort to help break down the walls of secrets we all carry in our lives. She serves as a pastor to hurting students at her local church and everyday helps students get open about their hidden pain. Her biggest support is from her husband, whom she's been married to for more than 10 years. Together, they know the truth that there is a way out of the secrets that control us, and that there is always help for our hurt.
REFLECTIONS
Take a minute to reflect on Kat's story. Close your eyes and imagine what it must have felt like to be a 14-year-old girl who was brutally betrayed by someone she thought loved her. Maybe you've felt that kind of betrayal yourself.
1. Have you ever felt like Kat-used, abused, and discarded like a piece of trash? When? What happened? Who was there? How did you feel? What did you do after that?
2. Do you ever feel like you have to perform to be accepted? Whose acceptance are you seeking? What do feel like you have to do to be acceptable to them?
3. What do you think would happen if you stopped performing in order to get noticed or gain people's acceptance?
4. Use the assurances from Scripture that are printed below to help you remember who you really are, and what your value truly is. Write your name in each blank, and remember to tell yourself these things every day.
_________________________, you were bought with a price. (1 Corinthians 6:20)
_________________________, you are a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
_________________________, you are chosen by God, holy and dearly loved. (Colossians 3:12)
_________________________, be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Secret Survivors by Jen Howver Megan Hutchinson
Copyright © 2008 by Jen Howver and Megan Hutchinson. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
